Why can't I be a sheep, too?

My hubby once said he wanted a hat that said something to the effect of "I'm not a sheep," or something like that. He said he hated people that just went along with the crowd, like a bunch of dumb sheep. That's why we're a good match, he and I. We both tend to go against the norm, or at least question the norm before we jump in and join.

But sometimes...sometimes I get tired of pushing past all the white fluffy sheep next to me to find my own way. And ironically, the choices I make are of course choices other sheep have made before me, so I am one of the sheep, just not the majority of them. No, the majority go along looking for the next green pasture or water hole, blindly following the sheep ahead of them. Sometimes there's a shepherd, sometimes not. But the sheep don't really care. In fact, that's what I envy; their care free lifestyle.

Not me, though. No, I check out all the local sources for the best green pasture...maybe one with a different strain of grass. And no normal water hole for me...no sir-ee. I'd like to see if a natural spring is nearby, perhaps.

And of course, sometimes I settle for the same old stuff all the other sheep have. Whether it's because I'm lazy, or I think it is the best option, or I can't decide, but a million other sheep can't be all that wrong, so I might as well join them on this one.

And I'm not even sure where I got this tendency to go against the norm. I have always so wanted to fit in...but yet I never compromised (or at least rarely, I'm only human) my beliefs to fit in...not just religious beliefs, but my personal beliefs about who I am. Like curly hair and straightening it. I won't do it...not ever. It's who I am, for better or worse. If you don't like it...then you don't appreciate variety, I guess.

Anyway, sometimes I ask myself why in the world do I go to such lengths to do things differently than everyone else? Why is it I have to find a way to do things that's never been done before? Especially since I so depend on someone or something telling me what to do. And that's the irony of it. I like commands. I like being told how to do something the right way, so I have the satisfaction of knowing I did it right. But here I am, pushing the envelope against all I've ever known...and for what?

Why do I ask questions that other people don't even know exist? For example: Last night I asked the youth pastor's wife what style of homeschooling she's doing. She gave me a blank look and said that no one had asked her that before. She didn't know there were such things as homeschooling styles. She knew how her parents had homeschooled, and went from there. She's using curriculum and mixing it up a bit.

And I envied her. I envied her lack of knowledge....the whole ignorance is bliss thing. I mean, she didn't feel guilty or perplexed about her decision of teaching tools for her children. She didn't wonder if there was something better out there that she was missing. She didn't pine over whether her kids would be getting the best education possible, or if she would have to change ideas in a few years. She just made her decision and is fine with it.

Why can't I do that? Why couldn't I just go to the hospital and give birth the way most Americans do? Why did I fight to find a midwife in my area, and with my second child walk the corridors of the hospital with a newborn in my arms looking for a doctor to sign a paper saying I had my child at home so that I could get a birth certificate since my midwife was not certified? Why do I nurse every 2 hours at night with my 11 month old instead of letting him cry it out in a weekend? Why do I research for hours about the choices I have made and have yet to make? And more importantly, why doesn't everybody else?

I do it because I have this idea of good, better, best. And it's that same standard that kills me in the end. Because if I don't find the best, if I fail at what the highest standard is, then I didn't achieve my goal. Because someday when God looks at what He gave me, and He see that there was a better way that I didn't see, then I fail.

And I know that's not the truth. I know God isn't like that. But it's how I feel. It's what drives me to my endless searching in perfection. I fail everyday. I yell at my kids. I push them off of me when they are climbing all day. I scream in frustration when my toddler just isn't "getting it." I fail everyday. And so I want to at least make sure I'm getting it right in the long run. That I'm doing everything in my power to make sure my kids have the best of me and what I can give them.

And that's why I do what I do. I know I'm not perfect. And truth be told, there are millions of fine kids out there who's parents did everything opposite that I'm doing. Heck, my sister's kids eventually may some of them. But at least I looked at every option available to see if something out there wasn't better than the way I knew. And if there was, at least I tried it.

But sometimes....I just wish I could be a dumb sheep.