Sunday, July 31, 2005

Little Town - Big Sale

Yesterday was Sugar Grove Sales Day...the whole town has a garage sale, usually inviting friends and family so that whole yards are filled with tables, tarps, chairs, canopies, etc. Last year was the first time I was even close to the whole shabang, as we had just bought our house (signed the papers, hadn't closed.) We were showing it off to our parents, and it happened to be that Saturday. So we had to fight the hundreds of cars just to get to the house, and it was raining last year. We walked around to some of the houses, and even bought a few things, but I never knew the extent of it until now...

The sale didn't start until early Saturday morning, but I had spent half of my money the night before, from our two next door neighbors. The rest I spent yesterday, and I won't say how much, but it was more than I thought I would. Apparently it's good that I never know where garage sales are! I got a few toys, some of them good (pentamino set, light bright, a bubble light globe thing), and some just ordinary toys (bubble mower, double baby stroller for Pumpkin), clothes for me and the kids, a gift for Boom, an old fashioned push mower for Boom (he needs one more to complete his set of three that he wants to pull behind a regular mower...and we had a tip on one but it wasn't a very good tip, and by the time I found the house that was selling it, it had sold an hour ago...)

There were vendors, too. From food to trinkets to t-shirts and paintings...which I found to be annoying because it's supposed to be a garage sale. But on the other hand, this means if I get a kiln one of these days and make my own wares, I could sell them without feeling weird. I saw some people who make their own thing selling it, and a few people sold some baked goods.

But the most exciting part of the day was after my MIL and BIL left and my BIL's girlfriend was just there. We got to talk for the first time and really get to know each other. It turns out that we have far more in common than I would have thought, and she shares the same plight with MIL that I do, but for her it's a little worse because MIL actually puts her down to her face, and instead of BIL sticking up for her, he runs to Mommy when they've had an argument. I'm glad Boom stood up to my MIL the first day we lived with them, because I think that made all the difference in the world. She knows if she ever pushed me hard enough, she'll be pushing into her own son...

Anyway, now I made a new friend. And for now she's not working, so I can visit her during the day! I hope that this won't bring repercussions among my end of the MIL thing, but I have a feeling it may. Especially since lately my in-laws aren't always fond of this girl, and if it turns out I'm visiting her a lot (which since she lives behind my MIL where we used to live, MIL will see me visit her and wonder big-time...probably will even call to see why I'm there) there may be side effects. Oh, well. I'm willing to go for it anyway...

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Season For Dreams

Today the weather stuck around 65 degrees the whole day. It rained on and off and frankly, if the trees weren't so green, I'd have said it was a perfect fall day...

Fall is my favorite season of the year, bar none. I love everything about it, except the fact that Boom is not around as much due to the busy nature of football. But I even look forward to Football, believe it or not. I always have.

When I was a child, I fell asleep in the fall to the sound of a football announcer commenting somewhere in my neighborhood. When I got married, I napped on Sunday afternoons while Boom watched his game. And then as Boom got deeper into coaching, I began to appreciate the details of the game and of course now I have my own personal interests on the line with him being the head coach.

I love campfires in the backyard, hiking, camping (when the kids are older, I hope), leaves falling and crunching beneath my feet. And I hope I can do most of these things this year.

I know my fertility is returning soon...there are signs, even as simple as the increased acne on my face that I keep messing with. And with that comes the hope that I don't get pregnant this time. I want to enjoy this year without morning sickness, sore nipples, and pain.

I want to enjoy two toddlers who marvel at the wonders of a backyard in the fall. Of playgrounds and s'mores.

I also keep thinking about clay. I thought about if I had a kiln right now, and that I could be having so much fun today with this weather and smoothing the clay with water, and listening to music, etc. I can feel it so strongly, I can see it...and I wonder if it's nothing more than another of my "little girl" dreams.

Not that I ever dreamt of sculpting in clay before. No, this is a relatively new dream. But I've had others. I have never known what I wanted to be, but I knew I could do whatever I wanted if I put my heart into it, as my Mother always told me. I am a Jack Of All Trades, Master Of None. I do many things okay, but nothing spectacular.

I know I am intelligent. Smart, no. I only memorized facts then forgot them. But I am intelligent, which I consider to mean a mature thinker. I know I am creative. Not Andy Warhol creative, but I definitely think out of the box. More often than not, I find I can't identify with those around me because my thought differ so much. Last night at the Book Discussion group...I have so little in common with anyone I meet...at least if you go past the surface. I mean, sure, I can have many things in common like we are mothers, or we both have cats, or we live in Sugar Grove....but beneath all that to who we really are...there's not much I see in others that I find in myself.

Most people either have bought into today's agenda, or they say they haven't but simply go under a different name. Maybe I do too...if they are blind to it, then perhaps I am, too. And I know on some levels, I am.

But I have always believed, in everything I've ever done. Every report, every science project, I have believed one thing that I must believe God instilled into me: it must be fun!!! If God didn't give me this idea, then I am lost, truly. Because it's the one constant in my life. It's why I still have toys from my childhood, and even some for my adulthood. It's why I want to homeschool in part.

You see, I want more than just an education for my children, I want them to have an experience. If they read the definition of sculptor in the dictionary, they might have an idea of what one is. And if they see a picture of a sculptor, they have a better understanding. And better still with a video or actual visit to a sculptor...But if you let them sculpt, then they will fully understand. That's what I want.....and that's why I'm afraid, because I don't know if I can get or find the resources.

Anyway, today I dreamed of ceramics, again. I dreamed of a fall filled with sweet memories and carefree days. I dreamed of a future that I don't know exists, but hope with all my heart does. And I enjoyed the dream.

*8*8*8*

Tonight at church the pastor asked me to pray about becoming the person in charge of the nursery. Here's fodder for the homechurcher's out there! ;) I didn't even want to be a nursery worker in the first place, let alone in charge of it all. And I know he said I could say no, and I will. But I'll still feel guilty. But I can't do it...I can't. I am the kind of person who stresses, stresses, and stresses. I can't do it....

But I wish I could pray about stuff and get answers. I don't think God has ever answered those kind of prayers for me, or else I don't know how to hear. Which is why I have a hard time with my personal time with God. I never seem to hear from Him. I thank Him all the time. I pray for others, but when it comes to talking with God, I always seem to be stuck. I try to confess any known and unknown sin so that "wall" people talk about isn't there. But still nothing. I try to quiet the thoughts in my head enough, but still nothing. And then I feel guilty for not hearing the Still Small Voice, and then I doubt if I'm even saved in the first place, and then I end up here...not remembering the last time I tried, and worried that I'll not be saved anyway by default for not trying for so long....

At any rate, some people think that Stay At Home means Not Busy. I don't want to go into my rant on Stay At Home vs. Working Moms right now, since I am very tired. But it came up again tonight, as well...

So here's to dreams in the fall and hopes for future...

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Mother Knows Best


I hate Internet Explorer! This is the fourth time I've tried posting to the blog, and I tried copying and pasting, but that won't work apparently...but this thing keeps shutting down with it's "Send Error Report" error message. *argh!*

Anyway....

Yesterday, once I got over feeling depressed and realized I needed to do something in order to feel better, I cleaned the house again. It wasn't too bad since I had just cleaned it the day before we left for Indiana, but it still stressed me out. So I picked up most of the stuff and felt better the rest of the night.

I even took the kids to the playground after supper, which Pumpkin had been asking for all day(the playground, not the supper.) They actually put a stairway up to the slides, where previously they only had a vertical ladder. It was nice because now Pumpkin can climb up to the slides and go down by herself. I even let Rugger crawl up the steps with me close behind and we went down the slides together. The weather was nice, too, since it had cooled off by then. I enjoyed myself better than I thought I would. It was nice to see Amber able to do stuff at this playground, for once.

Today is supposed to be very hot, but so far it's been pretty pleasant. I still filled up the kiddy pool this morning after breakfast so it warms up, too.

But today my day got off to a bad start when the neighbor lady came to visit. She invited me to tea at her house tomorrow with a bunch of ladies. Well, I told her I would love to go (which I would) but it's Wednesday night and I have the small group with the ladies at church, which I also like. (I only joined the class for socializing, so I look forward to it. Not that I'm not getting anything out of it, it's just that most of the classes aren't where I'm at right now, and I just plain want human interaction, so I joined the women's only group.) Anyway, she told me to skip it (which irks me simply because if I state I have a previous commitment, it means I don't plan on skipping...I don't skip things...it's not my nature. If I plan on something, I'll usually do it.) But when I told her I usually bring the kids with me to church (I didn't mention nursery, so she probably assumed they sit with me, which they have at times when I couldn't get them to calm down, and that I'd have to bring them with me to the tea, she just said, "oh."

I didn't bother telling her that the only person I've had watch them is my MIL because even though I don't trust or like everything she does, I trust her more than strangers or people I don't know as well, and I'm having her come here tonight so I can go to a book discussion on a book that I normally wouldn't read because it's language is inappropriate (The Sweet Potato Queen's Book of Love) but again because of the human interaction I want to go, and I don't want to ask MIL to come over again on Friday so I can chat with more women, let alone that I don't want her watching my kids too often, anyway.....

So, I just told her I'd come another time. Then she started talking small talk and mentioned football and how she's not into it, so I felt the need to defend what I now know is not just a brutal sport, but a reflection of life, with as much strategy as a chess game, as much choreography as a ballet, and as much meaning as a family unit. I didn't say all that; I just simply told her I understand football now, and she said something like, "Well, I suppose as the coach's wife you need to know something..." which got to me I'm not sure why. I don't know if it implied that's the only reason I should know stuff, or if it implied I should know football (which I don't think is necessary, technically) or if it was nothing and I get too heated about her comments. But there's a reason for that...

The first time I met her I didn't even know it. We were at a mutual friend's house for one of those Tastefully Simple parties and my friend brought me my drink in a mug that was shaped like a pregnant woman's belly. My future neighbor asked if I was pregnant, to which I replied, "Not that I know of! At least, not yet. And not for awhile, hopefully." Little did I know I was indeed pregnant as of that weekend...though I didn't take the test until the next Tuesday to be sure.

Anyway, the second time I met her was the day before Rugger was born. Our mutual friend introduced us, and I was glad to be her neighbor. So when Rugger was around 5 months old, I found out she was pregnant with her fourth, and so when I ran into her a few months later I told her if she needed anyone to talk to when the baby comes, I've right here. After all, for me the hardest part of both my babies was the loneliness. She then told me I needed to get out more, and I responded that I don't trust many people to watch them, and she replied that, "Sometimes you need to let them suffer........."

I just don't agree, frankly. And I'm not talking about discipline and the natural consequences. I'm talking about leaving kids when they don't know the person, or just plain don't know why I'm leaving them. Just like in the nursery. I get tired of well-meaning people telling me I need my own time without the kids. I know. But to me, if the kids cry the whole time I'm gone, any fun I had went right out the door. Let alone the fact that I'd worry the whole time I was out, anyway.

As it stands, this woman is a working Mom, so she obviously feels differently. And that's okay, but she has this mindset that I am a slave to my kids' every desire and never set foot away from my home or them. This became obvious when I told her about a month later that Boom and I had gone to the theater to watch such-and-such movie and she exclaims, "You brought Rugger?" Confused, I told her that, no, my mother and father watched the kids. To which she replied, "Oh! So you do leave him!" *sigh* -------and would it be so wrong if I didn't????

So today, she comes to my porch, me with my pigtails from last night (didn't want to get hair in my face or on my neck in my sweatiness while cleaning) and rags for clothing on (haven't taken a shower, what do I care?) and as we talk about football I tell her my dilemma about Boom's first game of the year.

It's his toughest opponent, and the first game. It's two hours away. I want to go, but won't put the kids through it. However, even though my mom offered to watch the kids, I don't know about leaving Rugger since he still nurses every two hours at night, at least. (I didn't mention the two hour part...knew she'd disapprove of that based on earlier conversations about kids sleeping through the night.) She, of course, said very casually, "Oh, just leave him. You never leave them, anyway." I wanted to scream and shrivel up at the same time. Why is it I have to leave my kids to be a good person??? WHY?

I just don't mind being with my kids. Yes, they drive me crazy at times. But that's part of the territory...I accept it. Just like the quirks of marriage. I don't leave Boom every time he drives me crazy, why would I leave my kids? I'm not saying time to myself isn't good or healthy, but I'll get that time when I want it, and when the kids are old enough to take it better.

I didn't let Pumpkin stay over night with my sister, who begged, until she was 2. Even then, I was nervous. She was more fine than I thought, but does that mean I'm overprotective and spoil my kids?

Anyway, I don't tell this woman that studies support staying at home with your children when they are young. When she told me that she's going back to work next week I didn't tell her that I was glad my kids weren't separated from me at such a young, crucial age. So why does she tell me that I'm too much of one thing when I could just as easily tell her she's too much of another?

And I'm not even against working Moms. I just don't think it's the best for the kids, in my opinion. But I'll not think less of you, though I might wonder what caused you to make one decision, and me another. But that's okay...just don't make me feel back for my choices, either.

Then again, I do get sick and tired of all the PC stuff out there today. I'm not always sure where to draw the line, but I do know that some things are right, and some are wrong. And I won't be popular in voicing it, but I still believe sex should be saved for marriage. I believe homosexuality is wrong (I'm not afraid of it, I don't think they are horrible people, just people who are sincerely lost, some of them very good people.) I believe abortion is wrong, though I don't know all the answers to the unplanned children resulting. I believe a lot of things, but if I speak it in public, then I am intolerant and judgmental...

Unfortunately, it's not just me. And someday, when you meet you're maker face to face, you'll realize that He's not trying to be judgmental, He just wants what's best for you.

Anyway, I always get caught in the middle, because I'm too afraid to tell people all of the above. I'm afraid they'll think I'm judging people, and I'm afraid they will judge me, believing in "religion" and such. I'm a people pleaser, and I don't want anyone mad at me. It's especially difficult when I have a different view point with a good friend, or if two friends have different viewpoints, then I don't want the one with the viewpoint I disagree with to like me less.

At any rate, I felt stupid again today. I hate it when people make me feel that way. I hate it that I allow myself to feel that way over something someone said in ignorance. If I'm fine with the way I do things, what does it matter what other people think? It matters because I always worry that maybe I am wrong. That maybe there's a better way, and since I want the best, I try to be open to other ideas. Otherwise I wouldn't even be where I am today.

And so in the end, I really don't know who knows best. Studies always show both sides to be right, depending on what you read, and I keep hearing that I know my kids best, to go with my instinct. And if that's true, then I'm just fine where I am, thank you very much.

-+-+-+-+-+-+- -+-+-+-+-+-+-

It did get hot, but we got our swim in before the storm hit which cooled things off considerably. While I was sitting in the pool, though, I thought couldn't stop thinking about my neighbor. And I focused on two trains of thought. One, there was no place I'd rather be at that moment but with my kids, and I'm glad it was me and not someone else. I want to be the one to take them to the playground, see the amazement as they catch their first grasshopper, watch them play house, etc. Second, I wondered if my neighbor could hear me laughing and talking with my children and would think it strange that I was having fun. For some reason, I picture her to think I'm boring since I must not go anywhere or do anything, as I'm with my kids at home all day.

There's really two things wrong with this picture. I do go places, and sometimes I take my kids, and sometimes I don't. And even if I don't go anywhere, I still do stuff with them at home.

Also, I wonder if she'd be suprised by who I was before I had kids. I was a colorguard in the marching band. I was in Bible Quizzing. I love to travel. I love to see new places and try new things. I am social by nature, though shy at first.

But she sees a wall, and that's too bad...

By the way, in case anyone should think that I don't know it, in regards to my previous posting, I know that I, too, am not perfect. I sin just like everyone else. I just have a problem with people who think that there is no such thing as sin...

Anyway, it's late, I must go.

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Home Again

We're back from our annual Holderread reunion in Indiana. And once again, though I'm glad to be back in our house in sleep in my bed tonight, I already miss the fun we had. I so wish this kind of thing could be a daily, or even weekly, or even bi-weekly, event...then I think my life would be so much richer and the blows seem so much less intense.

Wednesday the kids were fine during small group. Rugger was asleep when I handed him off, so he did fine. Only four ladies were in the group, though, so it wasn't as in-depth as normal. After the kids went to bed, I packed everything and put it in the car, except for the food and water since I wanted to put it in the cooler as late as possible.

We left a little after 5 AM and it actually went well. Rugger woke up an hour before breakfast, fused some, but not bad. Then we stopped, ate and moved around, and he slept again and only fussed a few minutes before our next stop. Same thing the next time around, and then we were there. Pumpkin, however, didn't act like her usual songbird-in-the-car self, she chose to whine instead. But otherwise, a good trip out.

The kids enjoyed the downtime when we got there, and the next day we went to the College Football Hall of Fame. I love it. There were so many comparisons to high school football, and I really enjoyed seeing the footage of other coaches talk about how it's not the game that matters to coaches in the end, it's the players. And that's how it is with Boom. We also got to kick a football, throw a football, tackle a cardboard lineman, and do other silly little things in the "training camp" area. My cousin, Travis, who is around 10 years old, had fun with us. He's such a cute, good kid. I hope he stays that way. Too many of my cousins...well, I save that for later.

Afterward we went to the Notre Dame campus and walked around a little. We didn't have strollers, though, and it was so hot, that we stopped to sit and play at a bench, and then decided to just go back to my Uncle's house. But it was pleasant, anyway. Boom had wanted to see the stadium, but it was closed and there were a ton of teens and kids around for summer camps. But I personally had a blast the whole day.

Saturday was okay. It was a little too hot to be outside, and we had to move the reunion because of Boom, so the location was changed, as well, though in the end Boom's schedule cleared up on the original date, after all, but that's all right because we voted to keep the location at the relative's house it was at this year. Not much of the food I slaved over was gone, so maybe next year I won't work as hard. And the gift I made for the white elephant auction (which my sister so kindly bought, which saved me later embarrassment) broke, of course, after all the work I put into it. It figures, which is why I hate polymer clay now, and want a kiln more than ever. *sigh*

We played beanbag horseshoes and rode go carts in their path made for the purpose in their backyard. The only really disappointing thing was that no one in our generation was there, again. After my uncle Kenny dies someday, I don't know what we'll do. If we're the only ones going our age (me and my sister that is) then we might as well just meet at my parents house, which is much closer. Since much of the reason we go is for our Uncle. He's always been what we look forward to out there.

Anyway, we left there at 5AM our time and I felt so down. I didn't want to leave then, but knew it'd be easier on the little tikes. And the whole way home I felt down. I knew everyone else was at church listening to my dad play trombone (OH! how I miss that! And he does, too...) and then eating another carry-in of sorts. They would be talking, laughing, and having fun, while I was heading home, alone.

Don't get me wrong, I like being with Boom and the kids. But I want friends. Friends who I can play board games with, card games with (which we also played Friday night with Kenny), beanbag games with, joke with. Friends who don't wait for me to pester for weeks, pinning them down until I get a date, and then we have one lousy good time never to be repeated unless I pester them again. I want socialness. *sigh*

So, I didn't do a thing when we got home, so down did I feel. But we got pizza and wings and I am reading Leota's Garden by Francine Rivers, so I feel better. But I still miss being with family and friends...

Wednesday, July 20, 2005

A Bond Forgotten

Well, at least I know, now. But my heart still aches...

I have been toying with the idea of re-introducing nursing to Pumpkin. I had never wanted to wean her in the first place, but it became necessary. And it's only been 9 months since she last asked to nurse, and already she doesn't remember nursing at all.

I had read about toddlers who remembered nursing when they became adults, and there are books written from the toddler's point of view. I had always hoped that would be my children, that they would remember my very physical love for them at the beginning of their lives. But for Pumpkin, that will never be. And is Rugger stays on his previous course, he may be done even sooner than Pumpkin.

I'll never forget the way her eyes would look into mine; questioning if I had the time and desire for her. I used to enjoy our times spent so close, relaxing for both of us, soothing the sharp spots in our day. But that's why I had to stop. The question in her eyes had turned to fear: fear of my anger over her asking to nurse now!, fear of my anger over her falling asleep and pinching my already sore pregnant nipple, fear that I would take away the one thing that she had that assured her I was there...and I did.

But she was okay. In fact, she became less needy, less demanding, less of the little girl I had grown used to. Maybe she would have changed anyway. Maybe her new brother and new home had already begun to work on her. Or maybe it was because she believed me when I told her she was okay...that I would always be there for her.

But I still felt like I should have persevered. That I had tried so hard, and if I had only waited a few more weeks, maybe she wouldn't have been so bad. And so I've contemplated trying again. But she's never asked, so I didn't know if it would be wrong to offer.

Well, the lady at church on Sunday talked about nursing her kids well into toddlerhood, and she said I wouldn't be that strange, and it was what I needed to at least ask my first, my only, daughter if she ever felt she wanted to nurse again.

So I asked her, and she said, "no." So I said, "okay." There was no hesitation, no thinking it over. In fact, in her confused toddler-ness, she even went as far as to start saying, "No! I don't want to nurse!" as if I was going to force her to...

So I asked her again today, I'm not sure why (part of me still hoping maybe she will and I can regain that special way of communicating JUST to her?) There's just something about nursing. It's not sexual, but in a way, it's a similar form of communicating love to a person that you can't communicate to everyone. I nurse my own children, but not others. (not that I can't, but you know what I mean.) So she looked at me and said, "No...Rugger nurse...like a baby!"

But then, after a moment or so, she shyly says, "I want to nurse?" like she's asking to try a taco or other unknown food food for the first time. I actually got hopeful and sat down again. I took her in my arms, held her in the crook of my elbow, and offered my breast. She opened her mouth, but did nothing. I asked her if she remembered, I told her to suck like a straw or a sippy cup, but don't bite. She still did nothing. So I held her close, a lump in my throat. When she hopped down, she pointed at me and said, "That a boob!" and I knew that she had completely forgotten what was once the most important thing in the world to her.

I often wonder if there is a deep part of us that can remember these things on some level. Has Rugger already forgotten the rhythmic "whoosh-whoosh" of my womb? Does he remember the inner sound of my voice? I wanted to pull Pumpkin to me and tell her of my sacrifice, of my dedication through pain and nausea, of my desire to nurse her until she wanted otherwise. But I know it will be a long time before she begins to understand. Maybe not even until she is a nursing mother herself.

So I hope she remembers, somehow, somewhere. I don't even remember sitting upon my Mother's knee as a child, and I refused her breast after the doctor's gave me a rubber nipple. So I hope my daughter will be different. I hope that somehow the two years that I gave her life from my body, the many dreams she had at my breast, that somehow they are ingrained into her image of me; her mother.

Because though it appears that she has completely forgotten; I will remember forever.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

I was so tired last night that I forgot to mention our trip to the zoo on Friday. We had a pretty good time, though it was very hot out. And of course, the zoo robbed us of six dollars so we could ride the train around the park and Pumpkin and I could ride the carousel (her first.) I would have taken Rugger, too, but that would have been another 2 dollars! When we got home we ate at Subway (I love the flavored bread! Oh, to have the time again to make my own!) and got Pumpkin a Aunt Annie's pretzel. Then we went home where Boom discovered the lawn mower he got worked and then we went to the in-laws and took a dip in the pond.

Oh, and I found out that the lawyer admitted to making the mistake on our house taxes, and is suing the previous owners for the money, so he'll pay us if he has to, but it will get taken care of. Good.

Anyway, today I did find Rugger's birth announcement, or rather Boom found it on microfilm at the library, which was a huge help. I've only messed with microfilm once so I never even thought about using it to help us, and I would have been lost. Anyway, I also had to get a book from the Warren library that I tried to request through inter-library loan but didn't get for reason too pointless to explain here.

And that's when I discovered two stupid things about the library. One: you can't return inter-loaned books at any location, including the one they came from, except the one you picked them up at. (In other words, I tried to return books from Warren that I got here in Sugar Grove, and was told to take them back.) Two: if you forget your card, you must pay a dollar to get a new one, even though you are already in the system. Oh, well. "Free library" around here never seems to mean that. The "free library" in Jamestown charges $10 dollars if you are out of state, and you have to pay to park in the parking lot to boot. I think knowledge should be free, but I also understand that they have to have money to keep up the building, the employees, buy books and video, etc.

Afterwards Boom and I ate at a Chinese buffet in town, which was considerably empty for lunchtime, but still good eats. We discussed homeschooling, in part because of the blogs I've been reading here lately, and in part because even my cousin, who understands changing the view you've been raised with, and who has been living in a different culture for 3 years, told me to make sure that my kids don't become social misfits. I told him that was the least of my worries...

I worry that I don't fit the prototype for homeschooling. You see, I don't fit the prototype for anything I do. I'm not a militant anything, but it seems like most people who chose the same choices I do are militant, and I am afraid that they will attack me for not being as strong minded as they are. I do the family bed, but I'm not against those who don't. I breastfeed, but I don't think that everyone should strive to nurse for 3 years. And I'll homeschool, but not because I think it's what everyone should do, but simply because it's what I believe we should do.

I want to homeschool because I think there are better ways of educating our children. More personal, more individualized, more different, out of the box, ways. But my husband is a public school teacher. And I believe in what he's doing, as well. I know he cares for his kids. I know his hands are tied and that his own teaching style is a bit, ah, "unrefined." But the kids love it. A lot of kids labeled losers by other teachers thrived in his classroom. Yes, he has to play with the politics, which is just as frustrating to him as it is to parents because he had to pass 3 students this past year who had been failing all year. Not students who were trying hard but not quite getting it, but students who, when he was forced to give them a second chance, had their parents do the work for them. He hated passing them. But he would have lost his job if he hadn't. And in the end, the parents in this case obviously only cared about the kids passing as well, or they would have helped sooner.

I think this is one reason we'll make good homeschoolers. Boom can tell me where some kids go "wrong" with homeschooling (the ones that weren't taught anything at home except how to "obey the Lord.") There are some parents who don't educate; that won't be us.

And we both agree we want the kids to attend the high school, for various reasons, though I won't mention them now in case someone does disagree, since I'm not ready for that battle, yet. And I hope that decision doesn't mean I'm on the "out" group of homeschoolers.

I'm the kind of person that likes Black & White. Then I know where I stand. But the world isn't Black & White, it's grey. And even God's will for our lives has many shades of grey that are left up to our "free will" choice. And I hope and pray that I find the best choices for our family. But I won't be shooting down others in the process.

Yes, I will defend myself. It's a habit ever since I first uttered the words "I'm having a home birth." I will feel a surge of anger is anyone puts down homeschooling, and I will quote all the facts I've learned about the benefits of homeschooling. But in the end, if you don't homeschool, I won't think less of you. I just hope you don't think less of me. And I hope those who choose the same as me won't think less of me for not carrying it out to the fullest extent. I'm only human, too. And the best I can do may not be as good as the best you can do, but that doesn't mean my kids will turn out less than yours. Lets face it: if we are totally honest, we can admit that there are many public school kids who turn out not only fine but who thrive. And I've seen public school kids more attatched than my family ever was. I've seen public school kids who didn't conform to today's standard but set their own path. I think it has a lot less to do with the how's, and more to do with the why's. If we as parents are consciously working to be a part of our kids lives, then that is the ultimate factor. There are studies out there on both sides of every issue that if we searched we could find convincing arguments on both sides. I choose to find the ones that support my decisions, but I know that our culture has a majority that is opposite of my choices, and if you placed these children in a room together, you couldn't tell the difference: slept with Mom, or crib in own room? nursed for 2 years or bottlefed from the beginning? homeschooled, public schooled? private schooled? Combination of the above?

So, in the end, I must believe that all that matters is that I believe in what I'm doing. There are studies to support it, history to prove it works, and my gut feeling. And in the end, all I can do is hope I do a good enough job at whatever choice I made to make it worth it. In a way, I at least know that I didn't just follow the crowd. I chose the hard path. I did the research. I dug up the facts. I answered all the nay-sayers. Deep down I would like to be able to look back and say, "See, I told you I chose the better choice. Look how much better my family is than yours!" (The human nature is never too far from evil.) But I can't. Because they may not be. Someone else may get a Pulitzer prize. Someone else may become the next Mozart. Someone else may have a better relationship with their mother. But that's okay. I didn't do it to be better. I did it because I felt it was right our me and for mine. And that has to be okay, because some days that's all I have.






On a personal rant, Circumcision is one of those issues that I'm in the minority on (in the US anyway) but not militant about, either. I chose not to circumcise, but not because I believe it's a mutation to do so, but simply because I couldn't find enough reasons to do so. But I think that since God created Man, and invented Sex, and commanded Circumcision, it can't be all that bad since His chosen people were marked in that way. Was it humbling? That's my personal guess, but mutating or cruel? I personally don't think so...

Monday, July 18, 2005

Well, I've been busy the last couple of days, I guess.

First off, I hate polymer clay. I know I thought I would love it, and I bought all this stuff for it (only $70 including clay, but still) and now I only hope that my kiln can be bought much sooner than a whole lot later. Because I still want to sculpt, but not out of polymer stuff.

I know a ton of people are nuts about the stuff, that's why I got so enthusiastic myself. But they use it mainly for visual effects: imitating other natural materials like ivory and jade, creating beads that resemble glass caning, "painting" with texture. I'm trying to use it for pure sculpting. Which means I have two MAIN problems, and tons of little ones. First, the clay is so expensive that I try to use as little of it as possible, which makes it more frail than it already it, which is pretty frail in my humble opinion. Sure, dropping a bead of the stuff won't break it. But when you make anything stick-like that's only a 1/8 of an inch thick...forget it. Second, the stuff gets soft in the oven before it hardens, which means that you have to have an armature of some sort in everything you make or else it will sag upon "firing." This sucks, pure and simple. I don't like the amount of armature you have to use. I prefer straight clay, so my hands can find where it goes. The armature gets in my way. And plus, REAL clay hardens first before it's kiln fired, so I wouldn't have to worry about that.

But with polymer clay, I do. And I really enjoy the sculpting part, if it weren't for all the downsides of the stuff.

Oh, well. There are worse things in life, eh?

Had nursery in church again today. And like usual, it was only my kids and now the youth pastor's daughter. Before he started coming to our church, every Sunday I and Boom worked the nursery there would only be our kids, and I'm not sure why. It's like "curse" (for lack of better word, I'm not trying to be sac-religious here) everytime I'm there. And no one even could have known I'd be there because I switched with someone so our names were wrong.

Anyway, I got to talk to a lady the whole time and that was fun. We talked about Mom stuff, but I enjoyed it. She's my mother's age, so she talked from experience and I talked about going through it...She's worked as a daycare person and with the social services so we also discussed the problems with my in-law situation and how I'll talk with Pumpkin soon about Good and Bad Touch...how I wish that were not necessary!

Other than that, I've been preparing for this weekend. It will be such a long drive out and back for the kids, so I hope we can make it without major crying. Tomorrow we are going to the library to pick up a book I tried requesting twice through interlibrary loaning, but the first time it was messed up and the second time I or else the librarian forgot to get it. Then we'll go to the newspaper and try to find the birth announcement for Rugger, if it's there. Mother-In-Law said she called it in, but she forgot to save the paper (we don't get the paper.) She had at least 10 copies of Pumpkin's, and she saved a wedding pic from one of Boom's friends just weeks after his birth, but no birth announcement.

Then we'll eat Chinese buffet, cheap and yummy, if not always pleasant on the tummy! :)

Then on Tuesday I need to bake cookies for the reunion, then on Wednesday I need to make Strawberry Pretzel Salad (it's big around here, but I never even had it at home) and chop up the ingredients for a pasta salad, after I buy the ingredients so they're fresh. And then I have small group at church, and then we'll plan to leave Thursday at 5 AM.

Whew! Busy week ahead! And I'm already behind on sleep, so I'll catch ya later!

And I already know my blog is boring! Who cares?!

*snicker* I just did the spell check, and it didn't know the word "blog." The blog's own spell checker...

Friday, July 15, 2005

A Good Day

Today I woke up happy, and relaxed. It wasn't too hot today, and there was a really nice breeze. The only slightly annoying thing that happened was trying to think of something to make out of polymer clay for the white elephant auction at the reunion next weekend. So when I came up with my idea at during lunch, all was well.

We ate pancakes for breakfast, on the electric skillet. I can't believe I almost gave that thing away! (Good call, Boom!) If I had known how perfect I could make pancakes on that thing I would've began years ago, let me tell you! I used to use a square skillet pan that was so old it was warped and you had to keep rotating the pan to try to get the pancakes done right. Cooking on gas most of my married life I always had pancakes that were done on one half but not the other, which make flipping them most difficult and usually very messy. We often had pancake goo instead.

After lunch I went outside with the kids while Boom sat and relaxed in front of the toob (falling asleep a little.) We just sat on the swing and I almost felt guilty for enjoying doing absolutely nothing on this perfect summer day! We swung and we swang, and we swung some more.

Then I decided to go to the store last minute because a month ago I bought Boom some more underwear (he's very specific about brand and type) and it wasn't the right kind, though I know I looked hard for the normal kind. So when I looked it up on the net, and he was right that it wasn't a change in the normal (you know how sometimes something you love gets changed and there's nothing you can do about it...) but that somehow I missed the usual, I decided I couldn't let him go another day without. (I know I'd hate it if I had been doing with less-than-the-best for awhile)

So I took a shower and we left, promising the kids (or rather, Pumpkin, Rugger doesn't understand yet) a trip to the playground on the way back. And, I told myself I'd get something that me and Boom could enjoy, since I haven't been into Victoria's Secrets since early in our marriage, and I figured Walmart would have something for much cheaper.

Anyway, I soon found out why I couldn't find Boom's favorite undies. I still couldn't find them, and after at least 15 minutes, I finally was going to try another brand that I knew was the same style, and see if it would work. And then I noticed that all the brands began again, and there were tons of his favorites - at the end of the shelf!

So, then it was my turn to look for me...and I absolutely hate shopping for myself since I can't ever find what I want, and when I find something I think might work, it doesn't fit. And once again, I wasn't let down and spent way too much time in the dressing rooms. I had been hoping for a teddy type thing, but I settled for something else and finally got on our way to the playground.

On the drive home I saw three young ladies in a car obviously headed out for a girls' night out. I did envy them. I miss starting my evening at 7, having dinner and then going to the mall or a movie, or just staying up late gabbing. I miss shopping without someone tugging on my leg or trying on clothes while someone's eating my wallet and its contents.

Maybe someday here I will go to Victoria's and find something truly nice, but I can guarantee you I won't be talking anyone under 20 in there with me! Somehow dragging toddlers into a lingerie shop kind of kills the mood, know what I mean?

Anyway, all's well that ends well, I suppose. Boom has his unmentionables in time for the zoo tomorrow. I enjoyed a day off, basically, and life is good for the moment. And I must try to live there. So, good night, and farewell. We live to see another day.



P.S. I just noticed that the times have been wrong when I post...until now, since I changed it. Ignore those other times just in case you didn't and thought they were right. I'll try to remember from now on to change it.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

A day for thinking...

Sometimes I wish I could turn my mind off, I think too much. Today for the first half of the day, I felt really down. No reason that I could find, just felt down. I had a whole house to clean, my youngest didn't want to let me leave the room without crying, and it's hot out. Not that it's hot in here, but it didn't help my mood. And Boom was gone this morning getting something done, so I missed him.

Luckily, he helped out with the kids and took them into the kiddie pool out back while I got most of the cleaning done. Then he semi-watched them while talking on the phone so I could finish cleaning and get a shower in. I felt a lot better with a clean house. Won't last long, but I enjoyed it anyway.

Pumpkin was great at church. She told me all day she would be happy in the nursery, and she walked right in and was! I hope this means she's over the whole negativity thing she was doing. Buddy even did good with only a short pout after I snuck quickly away (if he sees me leave, he won't stop crying and I would've had him with me again.) It's not that I don't want my kids with me, it's just that I can't concentrate if they are. And I know many people with my problem who don't go to church for that reason. Makes me wonder what God really expects of Moms....I just don't think it's true that kids should cry so I can have some time alone, even if it IS with God. He made my heart, so he knows it breaks if they cry too hard and long. And then I wasn't listening to the message I wanted to hear, anyway.

So, I had a good time in class, though it figures that only have the class was there on the one good night I had.

Then Pumpkin wanted to play on the playground, and I let her for a little while, though she peed again which I thought she might and I knew I should've made her pee in the nursery bathroom. She's been trained for a month now, with not any accidents at all, then all of a sudden she's been peeing in the car, on the playground, in the living room, at the dinner table, random times and random places. I hope it's normal, because I feel bad about telling her she's wrong, but at the same time I don't want her thinking she can pee anyway anytime and not use the potty.

And then when I came home tonight, Boom was in a down mood, and I never know how to help him. I try, and he appreciates it, but I think he just needs to work through things sometimes. And then I read a blog that I identified with, but that also made me feel down because I don't know how to make her feel better, either. But at least it made me feel better because once again I feel not so much alone.

But now here I am, alone at my computer, Boom trying to sleep upstairs but his thoughts too many, and I just wish I could turn off the thoughts and be happy.

And yet I am. I am happy that I am...that I have been blessed to live the life I have. That I have the freedom to type this and not be afraid. That I can think for myself and choose. That my family, for today, is here - safe, secure, and satisfied.

I will save my worries for tomorrow. Goodnight.

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Well, once again time goes by as I seemingly don't do a thing. I hate shopping, with a passion. And I spent three hours between three stores, getting the essentials as well as stuff for my family reunion coming up and VBS shortly thereafter, and groceries for the month, or there abouts.

Anway, I hate it. And especially today, in 90 degree weather, one day after we got back from Ohio. But tomorrow I have church at night, and since it's hard enough trying to get the kids to enjoy the nursery that they used to enjoy (another story for another time), I don't like to drive them up the wall by shopping on Wednesdays. And I'm still hoping the weather will be nice later this week so we can drive up to Erie to the zoo. And next week is the reunion, so I don't really want to go then, but odds are that I'll end up needing something by then, anyway.

I am so thankful for this cool house, though. In this weather we would be so miserable in the trailor. Shirts off and probably pants off, sticking to the kids as I hold them, let alone nursing....uhh! So, thank you, Lord, for this house. Thank you for the fans in each room, and the money to pay afford it in the first place. And thank you for parents that helped us...

We will probably go swimming after I watch Crafters Coast to Coast on HGTV, which will feel so good. Boom had to buy yet another mower (I still wonder how many times you can buy something used before you should just have bought it new in the first place. But then again, I guess at least half of the mowers we've had have been given to us. Rather too large for the lawn ornaments they've, become, though.)

Anway, I feel like I have too much to do, too much to remember, and I have to get to it.

Monday, July 11, 2005

Ohh, how time flies.

I haven't been able to post because this past weekend I was at my parents' house in Ohio, and their browsers didn't support whatever it is that allows me to post my stuff here, so I'll try to remember all that I wanted to say.

First off, on Friday I got to talk for four hours with my very good friend from high school. We both really enjoyed the time together and wish we lived closer. On Saturday I saw two of my newest cousins, the son and daughter of two of my immediate cousins, born just a day apart from each other. They both were sleeping, but I didn't mind. I know what it's like for someone to visit and try to wake up your sleeping infant when all you want is some time to yourself and the visitor to leave your baby alone. So we didn't stay too long, but it was neat seeing my childhood buddies become parents. Now I won't feel so alone at Thanksgiving and Christmas, as I did the last two years since I was the only parent among us 'kids.'

Then in the afternoon we attended my good friend's from quizzing wedding (I'm not sure how to do that grammatically correct, please excuse all grammar in all my posts - again, I hope I can learn to homeschool my children better than I learned.) It was a sweet wedding, and I got to see a couple of old friends there, but not as many as I expected, and not the ones I expected to see. For instance, the one couple I sat next to with my two kids (Boom couldn't come, he had a passing camp) was someone I knew from Bible Quizzing, but they were (and are) from the memorabilia area of Pittsburgh. But it was neat because sometimes I feel as if that part of my past is only a good memory, and all aspects of it have disappeared completely from my life. I so desperately miss it at times, and it felt good to reconnect, if only for a few hours. Hope does stay alive with even a small spark, does it not?

After the kids were in bed I attempted to clean two pasta machines. One is newer and the one I had used a few times for my polymer clay. The other one is really old and I'm going to use it for clay and use the newer one for pasta. Anyway, they were fairly easy to take apart and clean, by reading the directions from the Sculpey website, but putting them together was by far the most difficult thing I've done since giving birth last August. (Not that this means it was the most difficult thing to do, but just the most difficult thing I've done...which doesn't look to good for those who already think me to be boring.) But we got it done and I eventually went to bad way too late.

On Sunday another friend came to visit for a couple of hours, and I must admit that I felt somewhat down during the conversation and afterwards. I guess sometimes you don't know someone as much as you think you do, and you know even less how they must view you. That's not to say I didn't enjoy the visit, but once I again I wish I could just go back to my childhood and live perpetually in ignorant bliss sometimes.

Funny, though, how when I am faced with a person who must think of my life and my goals as boring, pointless, or simply not inspiring...that it is then that I feel just the opposite. I see that my position in life right now is one of importance, and that as much as I feel the hassle of demanding young children, it is by no means a job I'd walk away from to pursue something more "worthy" in the eyes of others. I may die having never achieved any lofty goals. But if I can raise my children to be what God meant them to be, then I know I will be happy.

That's not to say that I won't still wonder about my own calling and pursue my own desires and ambitions. But my family comes first, period.


We got to play "Screw Your Neighbor" (a card game) with my sister and hubby and my parents, though Boom didn't play. He didn't grow up playing cards, so he doesn't always join in since he feels like he'll not play well. But once the kids are old enough to not want to eat the cards, I'll definitely make sure our family is a card-playing lot! The hours of fun I've had playing board games and especially card games with both sides of my family can't even be counted...

On a side note I was contemplating about fashion a little. Since when did size 10 become a "plus" size? I hate it that the stores carry cute little outfits for people size 8 and under, but once you hit size 10 you apparently aren't allowed to look that cute. The very real curves a size 10 and above body has apparently aren't fit for cute little outfits anymore. And I don't even want to imagine what it would be like if I had a really full figure. I just walk past that section and want to cringe. It's like no one wants to take the time to measure a real woman, or no one thinks that women over certain sizes should look good. And they can look good, you know.

The other side thought I had was while I was looking at a cookie box's "nutritional" information. We might as well just call it "ingredient percentage list" since we know there's really nothing "nutritional" about it.

Anyway....

But I'm tired from the drive back out here and I have to unpack yet, and my son is fussing for me, and my daughter wants her cup refilled and I just plain don't have any thoughts left. And I don't even want to think about all the things I have to remember in the next two weeks, or months, for that matter. But I look forward to football, at least. Boom's team creamed the competition at the passing camp, and he was pretty excited. I really do hope he gets his chance at a D-10 title this year.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

I didn't get a chance to post last night because I was working on a polymer clay gift for my friend's wedding, and Boom and one of his players were reviewing game film so I didn't want to disrupt them by being on the computer, anyway.

BUT, I had a great day yesterday, mostly because of the evening.

First, I came up with an idea that I liked for the polymer clay gift. Ever since I decided that someday I WILL buy a kiln, it's hard to want to use the polymer clay because in my mind it's inferior to ceramics. BUT, there's some stuff you can do that you can't do with any other medium, so I try to use that. Anyway, if I like the final product, maybe I'll scan it in once I get the pictures developed.

Which brings me to the subject of digital cameras. We don't have one, yet, because to get a good one is very expensive, and there's only two reasons I want one: I can delete all the goofed up pics or the ones I accidently take and only develope the ones I like, and two: I can upload the pics to my computer and publish them on the web. But that's the only reasons I want one, and there are many more reasons I want other things, so for now I'll do without the digital camera.

Anyway, then I cleaned the house (by cleaned I mean picked up toys, vaccumed quickly, did the dishes and put the clothes from 3 days ago away.) But then at church I enjoyed our small group (it's all women and we are discussing the inner workings of our men so we can be better wives, working from the book For Women Only.) Afterwards I went to show the one lady my artwork for VBS, and she loved it! I was worried that they would want to change something, but they liked it! They like Boom's drawing of a Biblical character running, which they thought was clipart and when I told them Boom had drawn it, they were impressed. I was very happy because I worked very hard on the project, which I hadn't even really wanted to do, but once I said I would, I wanted to do it well. It's the graphic designer that still exists in me :)

The second, REALLY EXCITING thing that happened...well, actually, I forgot to mention one! BEFORE I got to church or even finished cleaning, the mailman knocked on my door and after I thanked him for bringing the package to my door, I ran inside the house and grabbed a pair of scissors because my Slinkys had arrived! You see, ever since I was a kid, I have loved slinkys. From the moment I heard the "slink" of the metal 'walking' down my Grandparents stairwell, echoing in perfect rythm, to the times I slid the whole thing on my little girl arms as a giant braclet (which hurt like crazy as it caught all my arm hairs in it's coils), to the time I found a miniture version (non-brand name) in college, I have loved slinkys and have kept them on my person at all times (all most... I"m not obsessed, after all;) ) Anyway, the one from college I had with me for so long, in my bookbag, then my purse, and eventually the diaper bag. Well, last month sometime I lost it. I must have taken it out for Caleb or Amber to play with along with other toys, and somehow I missed it when I gathered up everything, because I was looking for it later, and it never turned up.

So, depressed I began searching in stores and on the internet for THAT particular slinky, which is slightly smaller and longer than a SLINKY, JR. I found only one promising site that sold 24 spring toys in bulk, and I finally went for it, desperate as I am. I wasn't sure they'd be the same size, since it didn't say it was the same brand, but I hoped it would be close enough. So when I opened the box and saw that they were the exact same springs that I had in college, I was thrilled! They were wrapped in small plastic bags with the logo printed on it, and had gold twisty ties on them. It was like opening your favorite candy!

So, the only thing that topped that was when one of the ladies at church was talking with me, and when I mentioned my dream of buying a kiln someday, she mentioned a friend of hers that had a kiln that she didn't think she used anymore because she had planned on opening a ceramics place (much like my dream) and only had a couple of parties and then kind of gave up on the idea. But she thought that maybe this lady would be willing to sell me the kiln for cheaper than a new one, and they could maybe use the money because of recent situations, and my stomach jumped up to my chest like it does when I'm at the top of the first hill of a roller coaster (which is one the few places I love best on this earth) and I could hardly breath with the idea of possibly owing a kiln soon, much sooner than I planned on. And that I could be making ceramics before the end of the year, in time for Christmas!

But I have to hold my breath and that thought because for all I know the other lady still wants her kiln and won't even think of parting with it, so I can't get too excited until I hear more. But like a 16 year old waiting for his first car, I can't help it....

And with that, I must go because my own two little ones are getting out of hand, and I must attend to them.

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Hmm. Day 3.

Again in bed last night I thought of a spelling error, but I'll leave it be. I think I spelled rune ruin, though I'm too lazy even to check right now.

Well, the lawyer still hasn't gotten back, though I have been on the net on and off all day looking for a particular kind of artwork. I really wish I could draw worth squat. I can copy images, I can draw a still object (except people, that's a little harder), and I can manipulate photos like you wouldn't believe, but I can't for the life of me get what's in my head onto a piece of paper. I can sculpt, thought not people (yet.) But I can't draw. *sigh*

But the lawyer I have a feeling will drive us nuts. We chose him because a)He's the husband of a friend's friend, b)he shares our faith so we thought we'd support his business, and c)he was the closest lawyer and we don't know any others so we'd basically be picking one by random. But now I wish we hadn't, because he's our neighbor and if things go sour that could be rather awkward. Basically, what happened is that we just received a notice that we have back taxes due from 2003 on the house. Taxes that the previous owners should have paid. Taxes that the lawyer should have found when he did the title search. Taxes that need to be paid and we don't have the money and our lawyer hasn't got back since a week ago when we told him, so we assume he must have made a mistake and the taxes were on the title search but he missed it, but he doesn't want to pay so he's trying to track down the previous owners. Good luck...and in the meantime it's our butt that sits in the frying pan.

Not much else happened today, so I'll actually take the time to do a spell check on this thing.

Oh, I forgot to add that I should have just combined the sweet & sour cherries for two pies, and I think it would have tasted fine. But the neighbor lady was insistent that I should find a recipe that specified dark sweet cherries. Oh, well. Next time.

Monday, July 04, 2005

Okay, day 2. First things first. I had to edit my first post because I made two spelling mistakes, and the one didn't bother me much, but I thought about the other one in bed even before I checked if I was right: Jergen's lotion, NOT Jerkins. Apparently I spell with phonetics :) I will admit that spelling is not a high priority with me, which is not good because I plan on homeschooling and I know that homeschoolers always win the National Spelling Bee or something, so I should probably start caring about spelling. But for me as long as my point gets across, I don't mind what method. It's a "pick your battles" thing, even though that's not really the right context since spelling isn't a battle with anyone, unless you're an English teacher...

But seriously, the pie experiment turned out bad. My sour cherry pie should have been perfect, I followed it to the "T," I know I did. But it was more like soup. And I wasn't sure if the neighbors want soup or not, and they weren't home when I called, so now I have to figure out if they'll remember that I offered and feel offended if I don't bring some over, or if they won't mind and I'll save myself the embarassment of handing them the whip cream container with cherry pie soup.

On the other hand, the crisp, which only had sugar, flour, butter and the extract as a topping (nothing mixed with the fruit), was delicious. I don't know if it made any difference that the sour cherries were fresh and the pie I made last year used home-made (from mom) canned ones, and half of the pie was with store-bought canned that is pie-ready, so I added less sugar, and it was a GREAT pie...

Well, today was the 4th of July (I know, I know, it's still technically the 4th) and we went to the in-laws for the day. It was great weather, very warm but not too warm. Not humid, nice breeze. A little hazy here and there. We sat by the small pond my FIL built last year and even though the rye (not grass, but rye, planted because it's quick growing) was sparce, had already grown to seed, and the ground was hard and slanted toward the pond, it all worked out.

Rugger (whom I'll also refer to as "Buddy" because that's what we all call him) did fine being held or playing with toys, which is good because I was afraid he'd fuss without being able to crawl around, which he tried some, but it just was too hard on his little knees.

Pumpkin also did well, and actually let us pull her into the water (well, at first she laid on the raft like she was tanning, sunglasses and all, I wish I'd had my camera) which is one step ahead of last time when she screamed for dear life and refused to stay in the water, even on the raft. But her "suedo" cousin (son of her uncle's girlfriend) who is the same age was swimming just fine with his "daddy" so she felt she could do okay, too. Eventually I got her off the raft and into my arms in a tight hold, and then I convinced her to go in her own floaty, which she loved and didn't want to get out of the water, then. Rugger did let me hold him in the water, though he kind of wimpered until his attention was grabbed by the other people (uncles, friends of uncles, grandpa and grandma.) But that's further than he's ever got, too. So in all, a success.

I got to talk to Boom's (or Boomer, which I should also mention) youngest brother's girlfriend at the end of the day. I really like her and get along well with her. We have more in common than the other brother's girlfriend, I think. And his other brother (I know, I'm sounding like the Newhart show) hasn't had a girlfriend so I'm not sure what that will be like.

Anyway, they (the brother and his girlfriend) go on vacations all the time because her parents have money and foot the bill, I guess, and they gave us some shirts from Hawaii. Mine is cool since is has those "cave-like" stick figures and drawings, kind of like a ruin. I love that kind of stuff. I always feel odd when people spend money (even at a garage sale) on me and I don't like the gift, so I'm glad I genuinely liked this one.

I'm the kind of person who has to find the "right" gift for someone. Which is why I hate Christmas...too many people and too little budget to get them all something I know they'll like. So we end up giving the same amount of money per gift, and get them stuff we don't know if they'll like, or worse we just give the cash in a card. And after we all open all the gifts, and my MIL has spent way more than I know her budget allows, and we have all these gifts that most of them don't even "fit" us, and I wonder why we do it, anyway? But I know that at least my MIL would be sorely disappointed if I ever suggested a name drawing or other forms of Christmas cheer that some families adopt (like charitable giving instead of internal giving,) and that's because she loves giving gifts, too. Too much, which is why it's even worse when you know she spent money she doesn't have getting you a gift you won't use. *sigh*

But back to July, I can vent about Christmas get togethers later, and I'm sure I will. But that's another story for another time.

Today was good. That is enough for now. Tomorrow won't be so good. I have calls to make I don't want to make, things to do I don't want to do, and not enough time before Friday when I leave for Ohio for a good friend's wedding (he was in Bible Quizzing.) While there I have two new babies to visit (my cousins gave birth one day apart) and planning for the kids' game time at the reunion in two weeks.

Let alone I'm not sure how to deal with Rugger wetting through so many diapers at night, because I am now taking cloth diapers with me overnight, since he wets through disposables, but the amount he wets through now is such that I'll have to wash the bunch at least once while in Indiana...The only other option is to not nurse him as much at night, but I don't know that I'm ready for that fight, yet, or that it's best for him, either. Oh, that kids would come with an instruction manual!

So, Ta-Ta for now!

Sunday, July 03, 2005

Well, don't expect anything fancy, at least not yet, anyway. Because I don't have the time. If I did have the time, I would be designing my own blog page with my own software on my own ISP space.

But I don't have the time, so you'll have to live with this pre-fabricated, though nice, blog setup. I'm just glad I have somewhere to put down my thoughts. Not that anyone will read it. But you never know. Maybe someday, eh?

So, where to begin...Do I tell you about myself, or what? That would be too complicated. So I'll just begin by telling you what it's like here at my house today.

After church I had a good talk with Boom (I never thought about using nicknames until I saw a friend's blog, so from now on I will refer to my hubby as Boom) and spilled my guts, which made me feel 10 times better and able to face the day.

Yesterday I took the kiddos on a walk and ran into our neighbor who had picked over $40 worth of cherries, so she gave us 6 cups sour and 6 cups sweet to take home once she asked if I baked. I gave her our electric air pump to borrow to inflate their swimming pool. I thought about asking her if her hubby (a lawyer) had found anything out about the taxes we shouldn't owe on our house from 2003, but I figured he'd have called us if he did and it would be rude to ruin our visit by asking.

So today I baked a cherry pie with the sour cherries (homemade crust with lattice, only because I didn't have any frozen crusts from Aldi), and a crisp with the sweet cherries (which was made with almond extract, which I LOVE the smell and taste of! When I realized that Jergen's lotion was almond scented, I went nuts! I still haven't used it because I don't ever use things that I consider to be the best thing out there..I always save it so that I always have it. Weird, I know, and it kind of defeats the purpose, but that's a part of me since childhood.)

I told the other neighbors (the real next door nieghbor) that I would make them a pie, but that was before I realized I didn't have enough to make two pies because I guess you don't make pies with sweet cherries. I would have tried it, but I didn't want to waste all that time. So I will wait until both cool completely and take half of each to them. I sure hope they like cherry stuff because I LOVE cherry stuff, and if it weren't for the fact that I joked about bringing them some, I'd gladly eat it all myself.

Anyway, I must go put a diaper on Rugger (his daddy's nickname for him) since I just took off a poopy diaper and let him go free. (as a side note, so you know more about me, I use homemade wipes with soap, water and mineral oil and half a Bounty Big Roll. Used them for two years now and I love them.)

But I'm glad I have a place to put my words now, and just the thought that somebody, somewhere, might actually read this, is enough to make me happy. I'll try to figure out how this blog works and stuff, but for now, this is Day 1.

Oh, and my other little one is Pumpkin for this site. She's 2 and 1/2 years old, Rugger is 10 months, I'm 27 and Boom is 27. Oh, and I'm calling myself Prism, which is a "handle" I've used since high school.