Sunday, April 15, 2007

A Mother's Tears

As I sat here tonight rocking you to sleep, I couldn't help but cry. Since my belly has been expanding and my back, hips, and now ribs have been hurting, I have not had you fall asleep in my arms in quite a few weeks.

And I miss it.

I tried to remember you nursing, and though it's only been a couple of months (when exactly was it last??? - I think around mid February, though I'll never know for sure now...) I already have trouble remembering how it was.

You seem so much older now. You are growing so quickly. I know you will only grow more, and faster, and I so wish I could draw out this window of your still chubby cheeks, your wobbling gait as you run, and your 2 year old smile.

I know you won't fit on my lap forever, but I wish you could. I know I won't always be able to sniff your hair and enjoy the smell of little boy sweat and innocence. But I wish I could.

Oh, I look forward to seeing who you become. But I'll miss your small hands as they become rough and outgrow my own. I'll miss your frustration as you learn to put your coat on without getting confused by which way to turn it and zippers that don't go. I'll miss your sweet "Ni Ni Ma Ma" as you lay in your bed.

Which tonight Daddy decided to put by him as we transition you for the baby. And there is no crib on my side yet, and I didn't know he had done it until I carried you up already asleep, so you won't know until morning comes.

And I cried some more because I miss you. I miss being next to you.

When your sister climbs into bed in the morning after Daddy leaves, on the rare occasion that she is awake and does so, I can't help but to cherish those moments as well. And when Daddy had back pain and was sleeping on the couch, and I had you on one side and your sister on the other...I admit that I loved it. I enjoyed sleeping next to both of you.

If I could get a bed big enough, you would both be in bed beside Daddy and me. And I know that he'd enjoy it too, as he has fallen asleep with you in my place on the nights I stay up late. We both love being with you two.

And as I feel this new one kick inside me. I wonder who it is. I wonder if I will love it as much as I have loved you. I feel sometimes that our lives will crumble. That they are good now. You two play well together. You get along great. I like the way we are now.

And soon it will change. Soon I will be busy with another who demands all my time and attention. And I know it won't always be easy on either of you.

But I hope. I hope that I will fall just as much in love as I did with you. I hope that I will cherish holding this baby in my arms as well, and look forward to lazy mornings when you are all in bed with me, or even more rare in bed with both Daddy and me on a Saturday or Sunday when you all wake up before us.

I know that you must grow older. I know that life requires change. But sometimes I find it aches me so. I find that I cannot contain the love that I have for you and it spills over in tears as I hold on a little tighter than I need to. As I sit in the chair a little longer than I need to. As I kiss your cheeks and your hair one more time because someday I won't get to.

And I cry. Being a mother is hard. Not just when you challenge me as an infant and I feel burnt out. Not just when you dry me crazy asking 1,000 questions a day, most of them repeats. Not just when you demand so much and give so little.

But it's hard when you are so precious just being you. When I can't help but smile at your childish ways. When I see that time is moving and the moment is gone. That's when it's REALLY hard.

I hope someday that my love for you is realized. I hope I can nurture our relationship and that you always will feel close to your father and I. I hope that I'll never have to look at you and wish you were different because I don't understand you. I hope that you'll know that I love you so much that you will never truly understand until you love another just as much.

That as I rub your small arms and hold your small body, that I can't possibly love you any more. That it hurts because I know you aren't fully mine. God claimed you long before I did, and you are in His hands.

Which means I can't control how long I have the pleasure of knowing you, of holding you, of keeping you. I hope and pray for a long life for both of us, but only God knows what tomorrow holds. And it hurts. Because I want to keep you for myself. I want to hold on to you forever, and make sure that nothing can harm you.

But I can't.

So I cry. And I love. And I hold you while I can.

And eventually I put you down, and I kiss you again. And I whisper Good Night. And tomorrow you will play and laugh and run like you always do, never knowing how much my love for you fills me to the point of tears.

I love you Sweet Ones. Mommy loves you.