Over the Rainbow

As I sit here listening to "Over the Rainbow" from the soundtrack to the movie 50 First Dates I can't help but picture the ending scene where Drew Barrymore is looking out over the sea with the mountains in the backdrop and the sails aloft on the sunny, breezy morning....and I love this song and the way it makes me feel.

I've been down again today. We had a great Christmas, and I'm looking forward to the New Year, with a "real" party for New Year's Eve, no less. But there's three things I have been thinking about:

Death - 

In days past, and not so very far away, death was accepted as part of life. It was expected, even. Most families had more children who died than lived, and to grow old with a spouse was almost unheard of. To grow old in general is something that very few did. But in our time, in this country, we view life as a right everyone deserves, and to a ripe old age. When people die, we talk about them being "stolen" from us. And in a way, they are. But only because we have the view that it is normal to expect them to be with us forever, or until the "normal" time for dying comes...around 90, maybe?

But death IS a part of life. Even God must see death somewhat differently from us, as He killed many people without much of a thought in the Old Testament. I can be comforted, though, that Jesus mourned both for Lazerus and for John the Baptist. This means that when it is my time to face death or loss, my sadness won't be unexpected. And yet, I hope that I can also see that it is a part of our human fate. That I have no right to expect happiness all of my days. I will welcome the joyous times, no doubt. But to think that harm will pass me by is careless and a form of denial.

Someday, I, too, will mourn. I hope it is not soon, and I can only pray that when it does happen that God holds me up. For there are some things that I will never understand this side of Heaven...

The second thing I've been pondering is:

Confidence - 

Why is it that I can't be confident in who I am? Who God made me to be? Part of it is that I'm always second guessing who that person is. Or who that person is SUPPOSED to be...Am I doing what God wants me to do? Being who He wants me to be? Or am I missing the mark?

I look for other people who I feel comfortable with, and as I am around them I begin to think that they have all the answers. So I try to be as much like them as possible. And yet I fall short. And so when another group of my friends get together, and I know they are smart and well-rounded individuals whom I respect and like, I feel out of place because of the ideas I present from my other group of friens. This group feels differently, and I feel on the "outs." I want to be accepted by both groups, but find I fall just short in both arenas.

It appears that despite my desire to fit in and be accepted, I still stand apart. And yet that's okay, too. But it would be nice if I had people come up to me and say, "You know...not only do I think that what you are doing is great, I think it's so great I want to do it too!"

I want that pat on the back that says I'm doing a good job. That people like me. That I am okay. Funny how grade-school ostracism never strays too far from the ego...

Part of me is okay with who I am. Confident that my children are doing well. But the other part says I'm a failure at everything I do. Good enough but not outstanding...

Which leads me to the last thing on my mind:

Art for the Sake of Fun - 

I haven't touched my clay in forever. But I haven't even touched my needle felting. Not for lack of time. Or ideas. But for fear. Fear of failing. Fear of wasting money. Fear of falling short.

I spent a lot of money on the materials for needle felting, and I haven't done that good of a job on it. Of course, the best way to learn is to practice, and yet if I practice just for the sake of practicing, then I feel like I'm wasting all that money. I want to make things that "count." Toys for the kids, gifts for friends, something worth something.

It's a reflection of my life. I want to make something that the world sees as worth. I want kids that people think are well-raised. A home that looks well-kept. A craft that looks well-made. Conversation that sounds well-thought.

I can't seem to accept God's seal of approval for the fact that I'm just me. That my hubby loves me and thinks I work hard and come up with great ideas for crafting. That my kids love me.

And so as I listen to this music, I think about the things that are good in my life. And it truly is a wonderful world I live in. There's enough negativity out there, and I don't need to search for it.

But the positive...there's SO much of that, too. And though on some days it's hard to find, when I look it's hard to miss. And I think, I truly think, that if you could weigh the good against the bad, I'd still come out on the good side.

There's still a lot of bad to work out. But God isn't finished with me yet. He's still smoothing out the sides and gently burnishing the sharper points on me. I look forward to seeing what changes He'll bring in 2008...

It Just Keeps Coming

Last week's headlines in our local paper told the story of a trio consisting of an angry ex-wife, her brother, and their friend who conspired to kill her ex-husband in cold blood, leaving his sons to find his dead body on the back porch when they got home from school. Apparently the killer also practiced on their pet dog before shooting the father.

Today in front of Boom's high school a fed-ex truck slid sideways causing another car to run full-on into it, and a tracker trailer tipped over trying to avoid the accident. The young man, only 22, driving the car was killed. The son of a family we're friends with, who happen to also be homeschoolers, I can't even imagine what his mother and siblings are feeling tonight. 

And for the whole season. This year, for so many, 2008 will be a Christmas they will never forget. But for all the wrong reasons.  And I'm having a hard time not getting down about it.

So the best I can do is be thankful for my family. Live in the moment and know that I didn't waste even a day. Because if my daughter dies when she turns two, I'll know that those two years weren't spent "training" her to be an adult, but appreciating her for who she is now. 

I'll know that I didn't let my children fear if they didn't have to, or cry if I could help it. Yes, there have been times of fear and several tears shed. But not because I forced them to cry it out in a dark room while longing for me. Not because I force them to obey arbitrary rules just "because I said so."

Now, more than ever, I am thankful that I am on the unschooling journey in our lives. Not just accademically, but whole living. I have so much joy in my life right now with my children and husband. I cherish them completely, and am glad for each new day with them...

Tis' the Season

This year I have so much to be thankful for. Unfortunately, I wish I could say the same for many of my friends and family.

A couple very close to us not only split up, leaving the kids wondering why, but one of them now has another person in their love life, which means they probably won't be working this problem out. I feel awful for our friends, and even more awful for their kids, who are already showing physical problems of stress (wetting pants at school...)

Another couple celebrated the birth of their beautiful daughter last Sunday after Thanksgiving, only to find out less than 24 hours later that something went wrong and she started suffering seizures which ultimately cost her her life just last evening. She was declared brain dead less than 48 hours after she was born, and struggled to live just over a week after that so her parents could hold her and say goodbye. She was their firstborn, and instead of celebrating her first Christmas, they are planning her funeral...

Another family lost a wife, daughter, sister and friend as a woman gave birth and then suffered blood loss and eventually died leaving behind her husband and firstborn daughter. She was younger than I am and Boom was friends with her in school, and she taught at the local elementary school in the area...

I've been trying to get a hold of my old best friend from high school and college. Her name is very common and I haven't been able to track her down in years. But I ran into luck by finding her sister on Facebook. However, the cell phone number I called and left a message at hasn't returned my call, and the sister claims she's looking for an e-mail address but had just been busy. The thing is is that she's gone to movies, hung out with friends, and regularly posts to facebook, so I'm not sure is she just can't find the e-mail or doesn't ever talk to her sister to get it from her, of if my friend is avoiding me.

I really hope she's not because for some reason that hurts more than it should....

But we are doing really good here ourselves, and I am grateful. The twins are just as wonderful as the older two are, and I'm having so much fun with them, though I am constantly chasing them around and having to remove them from danger and clean up all.the.time!

I made some laptops for the older two out of coldpress board:




The screen is just printed on paper and I have acetate in front of it. I like them, anyway :)

It amazes me how much these kids pick up things. Rugger notices every last detail in everything, even my parents' bedroom - the little lamp on their bedstand - when he hardly even goes into a room. And today Pumpkin was serving "Burger King" food and only had fries but Rugger wanted chicken nuggets. I told her that that WAS his order, he's not asking for the french fries she has. So she blurts out, "Well, we're fresh out of them, so NOW what do you want?" I'm guessing Sponge Bob was where she picked that up, but I have no idea! LOL!!!

I look forward to this Christmas, and I pray for comfort for those that can't.

Trick-Or-Treat!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!

Here are my two most favorite pumpkins that I carved this year. I told you, I'm enjoying trying new things! The top one I got from a book Pumpkin checked out of the library. The bottom one is my own idea.



Tonight (I know it says it's November 1st, but that's only because I'm up past midnight...) we went trick-or-treating. And at the last minute, I decided to dress up too!

This was the first year, ever, in my whole life, that I dressed up. I was going to go as a fairy, since I have a good skirt and I could borrow Pumpkin's wings. But they didn't fit well and when I mentioned to a friend that I'd love to have Pumpkin's pirate costume (which I got at the Outpost - our church's hand-me-down place) she said she had some stuff that I could use and so I became a pirate! Which spurred Rugger to become one two and she brought some of her son's old stuff over for him.

Birdie is a fairy and Booger is a train engineer.



Rugger tried on the pants, boots, and belt I was planning on wearing,



So I got him another shirt and pants he could wear,



Until our friend brought over the "real" pirate costume he just HAD to wear!

My Hobbies Expanded

I ended up buying some Crazy Aaron's Thinking Putty after all, and I entered the contest for 2008. Here's my entry:



I also ordered some needle felting kits online and made this lion for Rugger, who chose the colors:



I'm really enjoying trying out new things, and it helps me not dwell on my lack of clay contact!

Fall, fall, fall

A most perfect fall this year, and we are enjoying it by riding and walking and jogging!



We made ghosts using plastic grocery bags and marker stuffed with newspaper. They were "ooooo"ing when I took the picture, and we hung them on the porch where they swayed in the wind.


We made critters out of old pine cones and nut shells, except Rugger make a snowman out of Styrofoam balls...


For Pumpkin's birthday, she wanted a castle cake from Family Fun Magazine:

Crafts

Corn husk dolls:


Paper mache pumpkins: (Pumpkin's is a "baby pumpkin", which is why it's green.)


Other side of pumpkins: (Rugger didn't like his and asked me to draw another face on the other side...)

Cut apples before we dried them. These were our first ones, which rotted, but I had a picture. The next group I dried in the oven,


And they turned out like this:



I've always wanted to play with toothpicks and marshmallows:

Newsprint & More

The babies having fun on a new desk from our church's hand-me-down store (which is run by volunteers and gives the proceeds back to the community - lots of cool stuff!) Birdie is barefoot by choice :) Usually she's topless, as well!


A fort from rolled up newspapers:


And a sword and cardboard shield with a t-shirt cape:

Lots of Photos

Okay, I'm actually going to break this up into several posts for ease in case you don't have a fast connection. But some of these go all the way back to August...

Back around the time of Rugger's birthday, Boom made him a chainsaw out of wood:



For Rugger's birthday, I made this cake from Family Fun Magazine:


And the kids wanted to frost some cookies, so we made these:

Her First Cartoon!

Pumpkin loves cartoons. Well, most people do. But she has been asking about how they move and who makes them talk and such for over a year now.

So I felt it my duty to show her how stop motion animation works, and let her draw her own cartoon:



Yes, she has a somewhat sadistic sort of humor (*wink*). Seriously, though, like most young kids she finds most things funny that in real life would not be, including potty humor. It's just a kid thing, trust me.

Speaking of trust...I have been rolling ideas about in my head for weeks now regarding Radical Unschooling (as opposed to just academic unschooling.) I went on a well-known RU forum on Yahoo Groups, but unfortunately I didn't know the rules, or rather, the "culture" of the forum. I'm not part of many forums that DON'T either post rules or just let you come in and chat, so I was unfamiliar with their particular style of discussion, and long story short I got my feelings hurt.

But they'll be quick to tell you it's not their job to see about my feelings, but to discuss unschooling. And so I got over the jab to my emotions (mostly) and have been lurking and learning now. We have been mostly RUing for our whole time as a family since Pumpkin was born, but now I'm trying to be even more trusting with our children, and it's an interesting mind shift.

We did finish some of the crafts I had planned on trying, and when I get my pics transferred, I'll post them. I also came up with the idea today to make colored ice cubes to make a mini ice sculpture. Alas, I filled one of the trays up too full and all the colors merged into brown when I picked up the tray to put it in the freezer. But I'll do it at least two more times so they have plenty of blocks, and next time I'll be sure not to fill it too full.

I think I'm starting a new hobby!!! I ordered some needle felting supplies and I'm going to attmept to make sculptures from wool. I also have been brainstorming some ideas that I might actually be able to sell, which would be great! I specialize in dreams, though, so who knows?

Today my midwife called me up and I might be going with her to see one of her Amish new mothers tomorrow to encourage and advise her with breastfeeding her infant. I have wanted to become a post-partum doula someday, when the kids are older, and so I look forward to this visit. I get nervous, though, because I never want people to feel "less than" when I talk about what they can do to help themselves. I like to cheer people up, make them happy. But I also like to see them succeed.

This is where I differ from the owner of the RU forum I was on. She also wants to see people succeed, but she doesn't have the goal of cheering them up. There have been many messages in my life this week that have made me realize that this is okay. She is who she is, and I am who I am. She wasn't wrong, and I wasn't wrong. We both look at things differently. In the end, her advice is still the same, and in the end, I still get to choose if I want to take it, or not. And that's the beauty of it all...

On a sad note, I think some people very close to us are making some very unwise decisions. They've been making some unwise decisions for awhile now, but it's getting to the point where they will be hurting their kids for the rest of their lives. And I feel angry, and hurt, and just plain saddened that they can't see through their own pain to the pain they are causing their children. Their children didn't CHOOSE to be born. They didn't CHOOSE to live with this family. And so it is the parents' responsibility to make sure that their lives are secure, and so far they are doing lousy at it. I love these people VERY much. And BECAUSE of that, I hate to see what's happening. The irony this time is that the mother wants to "simplify" her life by being by herself and with "her" kids. I wonder if she hasn't noticed that most single mom's lives are far from being "simple."

All I Want For Christmas

Is THIS!!!


This stuff comes in Glow-In-The-Dark, Temperature-Sensitive Colors, Marbleized Colors, and even a Magnetic putty!

Plus, it's cheaper per ounce than Silly Putty, and it comes in a larger amount for adult-sized hands and in a very nice tin to store it in!

Now, if I could only afford the $500 to buy just about all I really want of it! Of course, they also sell 1 lb. bags of the stuff, and even customize colors with PMS charts or for promotional items the tins can carry your logo!

But there's more...if I can get a tin (or three?) before Christmas, I could enter this contest. Talk about incentive! The only thing is, it's hard to tell what would win since I think a lot of the previous submissions were better than the chosen winners....

But it says that EVERYONE who enters gets SOMETHING...so I'm now starting to really think about this!

************************

Anyway, non-putty related news...

Rugger pedaled off two days after Pumpkin, and they've been fighting over the pedal bike ever since. I'm waiting until Spring to see how tall Pumpkin is then, though I may ask our friend and neighbor (who is more like a Grandma) what size her son's are that he's selling when we see her tomorrow.

Another reason I want the putty is because I like clay of all types, really. And one thing I want to do with the kids sometime is make our own clay-mation video. It wouldn't be that hard, just time consuming.

Today I helped them (okay, did most of it!) paper mache a few balloons to make into pumpkins to decorate for fall (Pumpkin always wants to be official and is excited that TOMORROW is fall...or today as I'm writing this after midnight...)

So we have to wait, like, 5 days for the stuff to dry because I put all three layers on at once because when am I going to find the time or desire to get that messy all over again? Then we'll paint our pumpkins on. Pumpkin says her's is a baby pumpkin so she'll paint it green :)

Here's the list of other stuff I want to do with/for them:

Make corn husk dolls. This one I think they will actually be able to do apart from tying the string.

Make wrinkly apple dolls. Again, if I help, they can probably carve them somewhat. Then just wait to dry.

Make magazine paper bead necklace and bracelet. They already made a shell bracelet and necklace, but this one will look more "cool" in my mind, and they'll have fun rolling, I think. And they'll be able to string them easier than the shells, which will be nice.

Make a button-man key chain. I need to buy some elastic string for this one, and I'm not sure I have colorful buttons, so I'll have to check.

Either way, these will be fun and something for them to look forward to. Now if I can only convince them I need to pay my bills and clear off my desk first!

Fudge-cycles

No, that's not a typo, it's just a summation of the last two days and new things we are doing in our household!

First off, Pumpkin and Rugger have been accompanying me on our walks with their balance bike, and are really doing quite well. So well, in fact, that I thought they should try their pedal bike.

Well, first they did it on our mini-hill in the backyard (gliding about 20 feet or so), and then I said to glide and then lift their feet up, and eventually to add the pedaling motion in.

Pumpkin was the first to get it, and took off really well, though stopping quickly because the grass is just plain hard to ride in, especially for an almost-6 year old. Rugger does okay, but mostly when he touches the pedals he loses faith and just doesn't think he can do it. He's actually better than Pumpkin at the balancing and will turn his bike around and off-road and everything, but just doesn't want to try the pedals.

Anyway, last night we took Pumpkin and Rugger over to the school parking lot (can't do it without someone to help with the babies) and Pumpkin took right off pretty much on the first try, and by the third try I was jogging to keep up with her! She was great! Had to work on her breaking a little, they're the back-pedaling kind, but other than that, she now has it down.

Rugger on the other hand, still wouldn't do it, but went EVERYWHERE with his balance bike. Up the curb, jumping off the curb, squeeling away and going round and round....so when he DOES learn to pedal, I'm in trouble!!!

Can you say Emergency Room??? I just closed my eyes a few times because I was sure he would fall. Of course, last night he DID fall, and because I hadn't thought to have them wear their helmets, he now has a big shiner on his forehead. Bad mommy....

Anyway, this morning I tried my hand for the first time at fudge making. It wasn't very hard, and I did the complete bare-bones kind - no chocolate chips, cream, or corn syrup. Just butter, milk, sugar and cocoa. I also did a peanut butter kind with brown sugar, milk, butter, then corn starch and water with the peanut butter. And both had vanilla.

Anyway, they turned out DELICIOUS!!! Boom likes fudge, and so I made it officially for his birthday, which isn't technically for another week, but since my parents were here we celebrated anyway.

Here's the recipes if you want to give it a try:

Old Fashioned Chocolate Fudge

Cathy's Peanut Butter Fudge

Ignore the pictures - this stuff is great!

Also, read up on HOW to make fudge correctly, because the directions don't include the "no stirring while cooling to 110 degrees" thing...

I also got a few new shelves from my parents (they didn't need them anymore since my dad make built-in shelves in their new room that he made from their porch), and I had fun putting my pottery out where I can actually see it for once. I was then able to get rid of another plant stand that I've never liked but needed for the space. Overall I'm happy with the rooms, if I could just get rid of all the junk! Toys, toys, and more toys....

Anyway, here's the video of Pumpkin and Rugger. Ignore me and my awful pink pants and frizzy bed-head hair. I promise, some days I actually DO get ready in the morning!

Moving On

Well, last weekend I rearranged the living room, and then this past week I cleaned up the kitchen, so it only seemed appropriate that I finally address the bedrooms.

It started when Pumpkin and Rugger decided to play in their "club house", which happened to be our bedroom. And so I decided to ask them if they'd like their own room to play in, and sleep in, with all of their toys (which the babies can't get to with a gate on the door) and they enthusiastically said, "YES!!!"

So I began moving. Beds. Dressers. Shelves. Without Boom home, I used some muscles that I haven't felt in awhile. And with the humidity, I was dripping more than once. And I realized again just how much JUNK (oops, I mean TOYS) we really have. Finding homes for all of them is a day-long job....actually I was up way past bedtime still putting things away.

But I finally got it all done. And with two mattresses I got from my midwife we now have Pumpkin and Rugger upstairs in the big bedroom, with the little bedroom serving guests and a toyroom for the babies. And downstairs is Boom and I with the babies next to us in a twin bed. Which is still being worked out as the babies are used to sleeping in certain positions...namely against me and Boom!

I did miss the two older ones, though they didn't miss us. (Rugger DID burn his finger on the new lamp I put on their beds, but didn't even cry out, and the blister is HUGE, which he then TORE OPEN....!!!) I guess he isn't one for talking during Children's Church on Sundays, but yesterday he told the kids all about his new lamp, and the burn (which I didn't know about) and how he picked it (Pumpkin's idea as she told him she chews her fingers - which she gets from Boom), and then the bandaid I put on it....the whole shebang. He had the older kids rolling on the floor laughing because they've never heard Rugger say so much before. And the teacher (our pastor's wife, a wonderful, funny Irish woman) kept trying to continue with the lesson, but then Rugger would jump right back in with, "...and then my DOG..."

I also found a lot of stuff to get rid of or send to the Outpost (our church's local hand-me-down store which is non-profit, doesn't pay the volunteers, and the proceeds go to local needs.)

The only thing that made me really sad was all the baby blankets. I'm keeping the ones that are so familiar that looking at them is like looking at me oldest daughter's smile. They are the ones I can still see her in, all the way through her brother, and even down to the little ones. They'll stay for playing with, and then eventually as keepsakes.

Well, I don't really want to end this post, but the babies are both climbing on me, and are trying to destroy the computer, so sianara!

While I Can

Since I seem to blog a lot when I'm feeling down, I figured I might as well post again while I'm feeling happy. That's, what?, three whole blogs in a row! Yeah!!!

Anyway, today was another day that went pretty good. Booger was tired during church and so he fussed the entire time through worship and down in the nursery, but then went down for a 2 1/2 hour nap, which is unheard of around here...

I did some "fall cleaning" yesterday, which felt good. I shampooed our carpet for the second time since buying our Kurby over a year ago (the first time was less than a month ago!) and rearranged our lazy boy chair to where Boom had wanted it originally. I had it my way for 2 years, so I'm trying it his way, just because I do love him so!

And the twins are just being great for me, as well as they can be between all the trouble they cause! But it's just plain looking up right now.

I am excited about Boom's birthday as we got some things I know he'll like. He's hard to buy for as he doesn't really like gifts. He says he feels blessed enough just to have us (awww) but I'm a gift-giver, so I like seeing him enjoy things. And I also think I know what Pumpkin will be getting.

Now if only our team would just get to the playoffs and do well, this should be a good fall. Though I'm not sure about winter - I heard geese over two weeks ago for the first time, and that can't really be good, can it?

I am also thinking about starting another blog when I get into my clay again. So I can bore anyone with my step-by-step stuff. I can't wait for that, either. I actually found a thread over at mothering.com where the women were discussing the fact that they literally physically ache to create, which is hard to do when attachment parenting little ones. You can't just create in 10 minute spurts - you need to dig down deep and let yourself go....

So I'm not alone in my all-consuming yearning for my clay. They might have different yearnings, but still....painting, sculpting, whatever...it's the same need.

I almost forgot to mention that tonight the twins didn't go to sleep while nursing. So I just took them upstairs and laid with them. And I've done this a few times before with similar results. They both lay there quietly, Booger squirming a bit, then settling, with Birdie somehow laying on me, face down or turned away from me but with the majority of her body touching mine. And this is how they fall asleep. And I absolutely love it.

And lastly, here's a quote from the swingset:

"Hey, Rugger...you remember when you farted in Birdie's face?" :laughs:

"Yeah..." :chuckles: "That was funny...."

Kids....

So THIS is what you do...

Okay, I tend to love crafts, and science experiments, and all such fun things. Maybe that's why I love unschooling. But this idea came straight from my son, Rugger.

Ever since I brought home a book (Make It Work! Machines - from Scholastic) from the library on Sales Day (biggest yard sale of the year here) he has been begging me to help him build this rocket:
So I finally decided to do it today. We got the cardboard out, the babies loved helping with the tape and glue, and this is what OURS looked like:


Not quite as colorful! But as you'll see, just as functional! Here's the video:



And lest you think I only cater to my boy, my daughter asked me to make her a marionette for her after seeing one at the zoo. Now THIS took some time to make!


Yes, it's a zebra. And there are strings connected to the head, and all four legs. I used straws, toilet paper roll, pom poms, and felt. For the handle I used bamboo skewers which I cut to length. There was no directions for this guy - he's all from my head!


Booger has decided that he hates bathing now. Pumpkin went through the same phase, and he'll just scream while I wash him and quickly get him out, much like Pumpkin at that age. They were also the only babies who screamed while infants bathing...

One of the booster moms has been sending blueberries home with Boom and I am LOVING it! I made batchs of pancakes, a pie, muffins, have been eating them on my homemade granola with yogurt, and of course just plain! They are delicious and I'm addicted! Thank you!

Our friend from church, who is more like a grandma or mother to me, also brought over 3 gallons of applesauce from her dutchess apple tree. I'm so thankful for such generous people in my life.

It reminds me of last year when so many people helped out with the twins. There was supper for a couple of months, and things still came pouring in long afterwards. We truly felt like we had one huge extended family in our community. Thank you, everyone.

My Little Princess

I can't say for sure that Birdie will love dressing up as she gets older, but I DO know that for now she absolutely cracks me up!



She was running around buck naked with these necklaces on, and I just couldn't resist! She loves putting ANYTHING on or taking it off. Necklaces, shirts, blankets, her daddy's underwear, my bras!

Anyway, I forgot to mention that I also made homemade caramels for the first time this last weekend. My friend and neighbor (one and the same) came over to help me and did most of the work while the two little ones kept crying for me to hold them (I can't wait for the stranger anxiety phase to be done with...one is bad enough but with two!)

We used a candy thermometer I just bought at this cool kitchen store in the mall (I don't ever go to the mall, but wanted to see what Old Navy had for sale, so stopped in the kitchen place for the thermometer) and it is THE COOLEST place ever. So many gadgets! So many colors! Too many kids with me wanting to grab it all and chew on it or play with it!!! Which is good, because I would have spent enough time in there to convince myself to buy SOMETHING I don't really need....

Anyway, we had to wait for the caramel to cook enough to cut and individually wrap, and even dipped some in melted Dove chocolate (yum!) The chocolate ones kind of became puddles as it was so warm in the house that the caramel was starting to melt by that time. But it still tasted great.

Tomorrow's our first game of the season. Boom's already dealt with a couple of injuries, more politics, and some other stuff. I so wish I could watch the game from the stands - cold as it gets eventually. I miss watching the band and hearing all the people, and being able to SEE what's going on. But as it is the kids are going to drive me nuts, and realistically they probably shouldn't have to be drug to the games, but what can I do? I want to be there, and I'm not leaving them at home. It's just too bad that my parents don't live here...

Affirmation

Well, today I spent awhile online at Mothering.com discussion boards. I go there when I need to hear other people who think like me so I feel better about the choices I make. I know, how lame....

Anyway, I was glad to see other people discussing homebirth and the fact that even though we take responsibility for anything that MIGHT go wrong during a home birth, it doesn't mean we are putting our children or ourselves at risk just so we can have a cozy birth. Truly. I don't get why people think that we haven't informed ourselves, studied, debated, and even prayed before we've made these decisions.

Or that midwives are some hillbilly yocals who have no idea what to do if a baby is in distress. Geez. You'd think that we were performing surgery with our own hands the way some people talk about it.

And then there's the unschooling crowd. It was neat how a lot of them were discussing that the term "unschooling" is rather negative, so the alternatives were brought up, though most people said they simply don't label what they do. I tend to do both - mention the word "unschooling" or else just describe loosely that I don't use textbooks and schedules and such. Most people haven't a clue what I'm trying to say, anyway, and it's probably best they don't else they think my kids are learning nothing because I'm not teaching them.

But the coolest part was this link:

http://fivefreebirds.blogspot.com/2008/07/unschool-v-school.html

It was so neat to see that he did okay even though he never once was taught anything in the traditional sense. And then I caught this:

http://fivefreebirds.blogspot.com/2008/08/unschooled-v-schooled-comments.html

So we'll have to see what it's like when he's done.

Anyway, it made me feel better to see the end result of what I'm starting now. It's those little tidbits that I need to keep me going.

I should have mentioned that I got Rugger (well, it's for all the kids) a balance bike from Kinderbike. He loves it and is getting very good at gliding down our small grade behind the house (I mean VERY small grade...) I wish they sold these in Wal-mart but oh, well. He loves it, and insisted on the horn that his grandmother got him, as well as the mirror. I do love that kid!

Pumpkin and I finished a puzzle book we started yesterday. I do miss going through things like that with her. We've also been playing puzzle games on the computer. She picks them up very well, and it surprises me sometimes.

I'll say again I'm enjoying more the groove we are in for now. If only the babies would stop trying to destroy everything! Birdie was heading down the driveway in the general direction of the road, and both of them keep playing in the dog's water and eating his food. They've been tearing off the toilet paper again (this time it's mostly Birdie) and she'll tear up the diaper wipes as well. She even threw a toothbrush and cup in the toilet, though Booger's the one who figured out that it flushes....so they make a terrific, terrible team. *sigh*

This, too, unfortunately, shall pass. And I'll miss it...sometimes :)

My Alternate Life

Today was the first day that Pumpkin did NOT go to school. I mean, she didn't go to school for the past two years as well, when all her friends were in preschool. And our church DOES have an outstanding preschool which is only a couple hours for two days of the week, so it wouldn't have HURT her or anything...I just chose not to send her...

But today is the day that officially everyone who is schooling their children by kindergarten sent them off, and Pumpkin remained home. So officially, I am homeschooling. Or mostly just NOT schooling...

We had a good day, mostly. We got up when the babies did, ate breakfast, went on a walk, played outside, read books, ate lunch, played outside some more, and just relaxed. Mostly the same stuff we've been doing all summer long. When the kids (or rather babies) weren't getting into trouble I was reading a book.

It's amazing how much they are growing, and I love it. I so look forward to this year and the coming ones as they start understanding physical dangers more and I only have to deal with the emotional and mental and spiritual aspects of parenting. Or rather FOCUS on them, as I'm sure there will be other physical hurdles in my future (can anyone say ER and sports???)

But overall, I had a good day. Though I did fantasize a lot about my pottery.

I don't know if it's just me or if anyone else does this, but I talk to "myself" a lot, only it's not me, it's the person I WANT to be talking to, or maybe I'll be thinking about what I'll type into my blog later (95% of what I THINK about typing, I never do. I only post about 5% of the blogs I've typed in my head, due to time and energy....)

I will do this with my lips visibly moving, however, and I'm sure people must have seen me while on walks doing this, and I wonder what they think of me. If they wonder if I'm crazy. And maybe I am.

But I can't help it. I picture the best scenario possible for my future. I always do. This is not to say I never worry or wonder about my future. I do. A lot. But not while fantasizing. When fantasizing, everything goes my way, and works out, and I am good at what I do. Call it positive thinking, or what-have-you. It's how I pictured my births, for that matter. How I pictured my marriage, my kids, etc.

And strangely enough, many times things DO turn out pretty close to what I picture, though not always. Luckily I have enough pessimism in me to recognize that the very worst MAY happen instead, and if or when it does, I take the blow in a "I knew it" sort of way, and deal with it.

Either way, I was lost in thought much of today. I'm glad I never had to take a philosophy class, because I think it would have killed me. Literally. I was thinking about how what is best or right for me is not best or right for the world, and I do this often. I go in circles as I try to reason and make the logic work, and it just doesn't.

I can't rationalize how much control a person or people should have over lives. Who decides what is right and wrong? Who has the authority to enforce it? We can create lives and prolong lives, but we can't end them? Why is one end of the life spectrum allowed but not the other? Because it's positive? Not always. Some babies that aren't aborted are beaten to death. Some babies not left to die live on machines that eat and breathe for them, and brain waves hardly register at all. I wouldn't call that positive. Or some people are in so much pain they pray daily to leave this earth. And yet think that the higher road is to prolong their agony....

But I cannot say who it is who can judge these things apart from God. I cannot say whether creating life in a tube, or cloning, or pausing life is okay.

When does the individual's choice become overridden by another individual's right? If my son had died in childbirth, would you blame me for his death because of my choice to homebirth? What if he had died in the hospital...there is no blame because I was in the "right" place? Or is it because you can blame the professionals? Is that like blaming the school when your children do not learn?

Or is a child falls ill to a simple disease that we have vaccines for - is their parent to blame for not vaxing, yet when a child falls ill to the vaccine and dies - the parent is not to blame because it's the "normal" and accepted thing to do?

When is discipline considered abuse, and who decides how much right another has to oversee this? If I decide to use home remedies instead of use antibiotics, but it is found out later that I should have used the medicine, am I wrong? What about the mother who smokes in front of her kids, knowing the harm. Should she be taken away?

In a world where morals are relative, who decides? We discussed a book last month called "The Infidel" where the author points out that we are protecting the Islam religion in the name of tolerance, but denying the muslim women their rights as humans as they are being beaten and killed in the name of Allah. Yet if we step in and prohibit them from practicing their religion, then who will next stop Christians or Buddists or Hindus from practicing?

We have protected children in public schools by giving them the easy road and a way out. In the name of kindness we have stripped them of ever learning how to cope in the real world. We promote sameness and yet strive to remain unique.

Have humans always struggled thus?

I try to live as naturally as possible. As if mankind had never moved past the garden. And yet I recognize the benefits we have acheived as well. So I, too, am an oxymoron. And yet I have peace with what I have chosen.

I just wish others agreed. And yet they can't. Because by doing so, they automatically condemn their own choices. We can agree to disagree...and I guess that's what I'll have to live with. But darn it if I'm not so difficult that I actually wish we COULD all agree. Me and my black & white world....

Pictures!

Okay, so I changed my look just a tad (I still love the old one, what can I say?) and I got to add some pics of my favorite people! But while I'm at it, let me bombard you with some more from our recent happenings:

You'll notice that Pumpkin is not smiling in most pictures. She thinks she can't smile and so as soon as you grab the camera, will stop smiling, but if you ask her to smile, she tries too hard and makes a very fake smile that is almost worse than not smiling (thus her reason for thinking she can't smile.) So she's not unhappy, per se, just not able to naturally smile at the moment...

This is the two pouch slings I made from one of my Moby wraps.
I've actually used the slings like this a couple of times now.

This is the stroller I push the kids in each day almost 2 miles. The work out is worth it!

Here are the two little ones chillin' on the counter while I cook. I have pictures of the older two doing the same thing, actually. My kids hang out here often.

Here are the four of them on a rock at the zoo.

Here is one of Rugger climbing the ropes at the Pittsburgh Zoo.

Here is Pumpkin sliding at the same place as the ropes.

At the hotel the kids had way too much fun

And lastly, here is a link to a place where I posted some pictures of me tandem nursing or the kids co-sleeping:

http://www.naturallyparentingtwins.com/drupal/

It's a great site where I don't feel weird for parenting the way I do!

Growing So Quickly

We went to the Erie Zoo yesterday, just the six of us, and we had a pretty good time. The babies slept on the way there while the older two watched Sponge Bob (and Rugger only asked once about 5 minutes out if we were there yet.) So Boom and I got to chat some without any interruptions, which was nice.

It's amazing how just a couple of months can make such a big difference. In April my parents went with me and the kids to the same zoo, and the babies hated it. Wanted held (by only me) all day. This time they loved it - the train, the carousel (though Birdie was scared once the ride actually started up and needed held), even the animals. Birdie would do her sweet little amused giggle when she saw the animals move, and Booger would point if we pointed to something (though he didn't aways see what we were looking at as was evidenced by his pointing to a rope while Daddy was pointing to the animal BEYOND the rope!)

We ate lunch at the playground and the older two couldn't wait to play, so we pushed the babies for awhile in the swings. I do wish this zoo was bigger, but it makes it easy to go up and head home. The downside is the ride there is an hour, as is back, of course, so that kind of stinks for the gas and time.

But these past couple of days have been good to me. The babies are at a good stage right now, for the most part. They can climb this little stairs and slide set I got from our church's thrift store for 5 dollars. Birdie slides on it the "correct" way sitting up, and Booger will laugh and just throw his body on it belly down and slide down feet first. Birdie has taken a liking to stuffed animals (and dolls until I made one "talk"to her) and will hug them to her chest which is too cute! Booger still is such a stinker and will sniff out the remotes and phone (he actually dialed 9-1-1 the other day so I have to really hide it now) and will eat paper, dirt, and dog food like I don't feed him or something!

I just look at them and I love this age. Their little curls at the napes of their necks, their fine hair and bright eyes. Their waddling little gait and huge grins just because. They seem on the verge of using actual words, which I can't wait for.

It's strange. I don't want any more kids, and I really don't want to be pregnant ever again (not that I could - we took care of it on Boom's half), but there was a part of me that recalled being at all the zoos last year when I was pregnant, and I must admit that a part of me is sad that that stage in my life is over. I will never again be with child or birth one into this world. And I don't want to - but it's just strange that being a woman means that you wear different hats in your life, more so I think than men. And two of those hats have forever passed in my lifetime for me. I was more than blessed to have known them, and I will enjoy the next phase probably more so. But still, it was strange knowing that that part of me is gone, if you will.

It was sweet. Thursday night I was walking in the yard holding Booger's hand, and he would take a few steps, then look up at me and smile, walk some more, look up and smile. And my heart just melts. These two are definitely at the point where I really start enjoying the journey. I look at Rugger and Pumpkin and I can't believe how they've gotten here so quickly.

Rugger says to Boom yesterday "Don't eat all that, Daddy - we just bought it!" regarding the Nutella. What he doesn't know is that it' s been ME eating it all up! He moved all the toys out of the yard so Boom could mow, even though Boom wasn't home, yet. I can't recall what it was that Pumpkin said the other day that impressed me, but she is getting too smart for me sometimes. I love it :)

Well, I'm going to see if I can change the template for my blog now that I have DSL...

Down

Tonight I'm feeling down. From nothing in particular, and yet from lots of things combined. Stupid little things that make me feel stupid.

And I miss Boom. I hate when he's away. It just feels as if I'm not all here when he's gone. Even though things are hectic right now with the babies and all, we still feel complete at the end of the day when we're lying in bed together and our family is all there. And I don't get to tell him all the itty bitty details of my day since there are people here to hear our conversation, and people there to here him as well. And so my day isn't complete, I'm not at rest, and he isn't here to make me feel better, which he always does.

Why is it that sometimes when it seems like you should have nothing to complain about, there are little things that loom larger than life, and you feel so minute and insignificant, or worse you feel like the worst thing alive. I feel like I've been had, and less than what I am. And I know there's no basis for these feelings, but that's why I need Boom.

It's like the movie "Jerry Maguire" where he says, "You complete me." That's how it is with us. Boom may not be a runway model. (thankgoodness because I'm sure as heck not, and I'd be always afraid of him leaving me if he WAS the kind of guy every girl looked at!) But he IS the kind of guy a girl wants when she's feeling down. When the world turns against her, when she needs someone to believe in her.

Boom has always been my biggest fan. My strongest defender. And he's the only one who absolutely thinks I'm always beautiful (even with unshaven legs, glaringly white skin, frizzy curly hair, red cheeks, and all the other quirks that are me.)

I know there are a lot of people who can't stand the thought of spending every minute of every day with their spouse. But not me. I used to work with him once, on the night shift. And people were amazed that we got along. But we THRIVED that way. Being together constantly. The only downside is we get along SO well we don't tend to get our jobs done (like at home, I don't get cleaning done and he doesn't get schoolwork or work around the house done.)

But otherwise, we'd rather be with each other than with ANY ONE ELSE ANYWHERE. Period. We have our hobbies, but to be honest, even those we try our best to share because we WANT to be with the other person.

This isn't suffocating to us as it is to some. I've heard many women complain that they want their husbands out of the house because they annoy them. I've heard women complain about a lot more with their men. And I guess I'm shocked that so many women only picked their husband on his good looks or something, because they really don't seem to like the man at all.

So Boom, I love you. Very much. And I miss you. And every time you're gone, even for a day, I pray that you will safely return to me. For without you I am literally lost. I can't function. And I'm glad you forgive me for the stupid stuff I do without you. I feel like we truly have merged into one and that when you're not here, it's like I'm missing an arm and trying to make up for it but end up acting clumsy instead....

So please come back. Soon.

A Year Has Passed

Well, the twins are now a year old, and they didn't even get a proper birthday. No presents, barely a cake, and hardly any family.

BUT, they got to see fireworks! We went to Boom's brother's house on the river where they just moved in, and their neighbors come up once a year from Pittsburgh with a bunch of friends (rich folk) and put off a VERY good show of fireworks, right there on the river.

VERY, VERY, nice. We loved it, and it was the first fireworks Pumpkin and Rugger got to see, too. We didn't make it to any parades or anything else because it's just too hard with the babies. We did go to Pittsburgh early in June and had a WONDERFUL time at the zoo and especially the hotel and then briefly in the city. The kids loved the elevator, and Boom and I missed the diversity of the people in large cities. We decided to make it an annual trip, we had so much fun.

But on to now. Birdie is finally walking. She is SUCH a cutie! She's definately stolen our hearts. For all the doubt we had about whether we'd be okay with "just" another girl, we wouldn't have had to worry. She had us both tied around her fingers. She makes faces all the time, and when she laughs, you feel like you discovered a beautiful secret all of a sudden. She loves holding small things, and won't let go of what she wants. She'll push Booger, hit him (though to be fair it's often in a "I like you" sort of way) and crawl over him if she wants to get somewhere or take something from him. She likes kicking her little feet while sitting on the edge of seats, and can down food pretty quickly without making a mess like her brother does, even when he DOESN'T down the food.

She enjoys the animals. She'll pet and pat the cats, and loves patting and petting Boomer when we go on walks. Her little chubby hand just barely reaches him over the stroller bar. She'll still stick our her tongue with new foods or if she doesn't like something. And make that "plttt" sound. She also is still shy with anyone knew and will cry if left alone in a new place or if someone looks at her the "wrong" way. She's also quick to cry when things scare her.

Booger is just always on the go. Walking around just for the sake of walking. And often tripping over his own feet more than over toys. He wants to eat anything we do, and then some, including paper, kleenex, dog food, and especially dirt. He loves sippy cups, like his sister, and he tries to drink from regular cups but still chokes. He understands the command to sit (as in in the tub or on the stairs) and likes to dance to music. He sort of says "Dad" and "bye" and "hi." He and Birdie both liked swimming in the large pool at a friends, though he took longer to warm up to the idea. Birdie just loved it right away.

He also will NOT let go of the phone. He knows his don't work, and he won't settle for them. He'll chase around the phone all day, and when he gets it, he'll "talk" into it and press all the buttons. Pencils are another favorite with both babies.

Rugger is still into his trucks, tools and trains. He also is starting to venture out and become his own being. He'll tell me he can't help me because "his back hurts" (he hears his dad say this after chopping wood) and he'll get frustrated when he can't do something as good as Pumpkin or us. He is wonderful to the babies, and just loves them. But of course because of them he can't play with all his little toys where they can reach them. I expect next year will be a lot better for him. He was so happy to get a saw from the outpost, that he asked if he could cut wood IN the house. I told him "yes" and he reminded me that bits of wood would get everywhere, to which I reminded him that it was just pretend, and he says, "Oh...yeah" and smiles his goofy grin.

He still struggles with some words, and though he USED to say "spider" and "smile" it's now been "fpider" and "fmile" for a few months. I know he can say the "s" sound, so I hope he outgrows it. He loves playing in mud puddles and loves his lizards and bugs and spiders. If only I could get him not to lose things!

Pumpkin is still into creating things. She's made a wallet (it's not brown yet because it didn't go through that part of the factory, yet) and many "paper books" (I've been waiting my whole life to make one of these...) She is less quick to help out now (you gotta love those toddler years when they are cooperative most of the time) but is very conscientious. She still doesn't like being bad and getting into trouble, and is very empathetic. She likes making friends, and I need to be more proactive in getting her together with them. The other day before supper I was getting the food on their plates, and she says to me, "Move the hats out of the way...and for goodness sake, the potty!" because the travel potty was sitting on the table at her spot.

I find that the way they get along together makes me so proud, and yet at the same time it's the same thing that annoys me so as they are always wrestling or jumping or running together and I'm afraid they will get hurt, not to mention the noise. So it's hard to know what to do. Again, I look forward to the next year as things get easier with the younger ones.

So that's where we are at. And books - some day I'll actually be reading them again with the kids. I read my own for now, though I'd rather play in clay, but that, too, will come in time.

And now my head is spinning and I need to sleep.

DSL and You Tube

Well, we're finally moving up in the world. We succumbed to an offer from the only DSL around, and got both caller ID AND DSL...what could be better?

Anyway, I actually was inspired to make a movie about our births finally, since I love others on You Tube, and Boom bought a new software to use for his highlight films and such for football (he sends them to prospective colleges for his seniors.)

So here it is:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YPPP9isUEIA

The music is from a CD I had playing during Caleb's entire birth. That might still be my favorite birth, even though this last one was less painful...

Anyway, I am reading Dean Koontz's Odd Thomas for the first time, so I will be going now.

Apples, Oranges, Grapes & Pears

Once again I find myself caught in the endless trap of trying to be prefectly okay with who I am and where I am in life, and instead comparing myself to others and what they have.

I feel like the school girl I used to be: on the outside of the immature cliques based on hair types or fashionable tee-shirts or other pointless subjects, and me on the outside desperately wanting to fit in.

And yet, even then, I didn't want what they HAD to be a part of the group; I just wanted to be accepted AS I WAS.

As so it's been every since.

My parents did a good job making me feel proud of who I was, despite the fact that they couldn't quite convince me that I was beautiful (Daddy's will always think their little girls are beautiful, just as husbands will always think their wives are beautiful...until ALL men and women think I'm beautiful, I will simply think that my Dad and Hubby are slightly blind...)

But overall, I was okay with who I was as a person. I wasn't fat, nor skinny. I was smart, could be funny, and I consider myself an optimist though I also always consider the worst so that anything that DOES happen is automatically better than the worst.

I didn't WHERE I was going to be in the future, but it didn't bother me. I didn't lie up late at night wondering IF I'd get that job, or WHEN I'd meet that special someone. It would happen SOMEDAY, I believed. In fact, I had that word written in glow-in-the-dark paint on my mirror in my bedroom, and I never once doubted it.

So here I am, with many of my "someday"s already here. I have a great husband, wonderful kids, and I did get to work in my field, though definitely not at my "perfect" job idea.

And yet I find myself SOMETIMES more unhappy than ever before. Mainly because there's so much more riding on the issue than just me. It's my kids' futures at stake.

And so most days (and nights) I'm okay with homebirthing, co-sleeping (and waking up every hour sometimes to nurse), and cloth diapering, and extended nursing, and holding my babies, and homeschooling. Most days I'm okay staying at home and not going on vacations, or out to eat, or buying lots of stuff I would love to have.

But some days, I just want to fit in. Some times I see other moms and wish I was more like them. Even though I wouldn't like to do what they are doing, they seem happy with it, and I think maybe I'd be happier if I did it, too. Though I know I wouldn't be.

Or I feel odd when I'm the only one in the area who co-sleeps and nurses all night long, or walks all four of my kids at once because I'd rather be with them most of the time than without. I know there are groups of women just like me on-line. And thank goodness, or I'd REALLY feel lost. Just knowing they are there and can respond to a post on a forum of crunchy mothers makes me feel not-so-insane again.

But still, I sometimes feel like I'm not in the "in" crowd.

I still don't have a "best" friend. My sister-in-law (sort-of) and my neighbor are about the closest thing to it, and if I had the time, maybe they'd get deeper than they are. And perhaps, if I'm lucky, as time goes on, they WILL get deeper and BECOME that sort of "once in a lifetime" best friend. The one who knows all about you and GETS you. They know what makes you tick and what ticks you off.

It was really very telling when we moved to this house and women were surprised by my art folders. They had no idea I had gone to school for graphic design...after 2 years of knowing me. And yet my neighbor knows me well enough to have brought over a cupcake with fondant sculpted to look like a baby with a blanket and pillow, because she figured I'd like it.

Now THAT's friendship. I only hope I can return the favor sometime, because it meant the world to me that day.

And yet I'm so stuck up on myself and pitying myself that I DON'T think about what I can do for others. I don't even know HOW I'd do anything for lack of keeping myself together lately. I hope it will come in time - this focusing on others more than myself again. I want to share with people and GIVE, not just take.

I want to volunteer and make a difference, and in the process realize how truly blessed I am, because I KNOW I am, I just don't always FEEL I am.

And that's the key. I KNOW I'm okay the way I am and the choices I've made are good ones. I believe in them and they'll work for US. But yet I still find I look outward and compare the choices others have made for THEIR families, and I doubt.

Why can't I accept that what's best for ME and US isn't best for others, and what's best for them isn't okay for us, and that THAT'S OKAY. It really is.

Some people like the color blue, others red, and still others green or yellow or periwinkle. But none of those colors are BETTER or BEST or BAD. And yet I feel that if I don't agree with SOMEONE, then I'm not "cool" or acceptable.

I want to feel connected to others. Some have family to back them up. Others have their history in this area. I have nothing save my own 5 family members here to agree with me. And so I seek outward approval, though logically I know I don't need it.

I feel smug, I admit, when people comment on the twins or me walking with all four kids, because I feel important, set apart. And yet ironically, at the same time, I wish I WASN'T different, but just normal. I can't seem to win.

I dream daily, sometimes hourly, about working in clay. But not just playing in it. I hope, I dream, I pray, that someday, somehow, I'll make enough money with it to at least support my habit if not bring in a little extra for our family. What could be better than making money doing what you love, afterall?

But part of that is also affirmation. If I succeed, if I sell my work, then I am AFFIRMED. I'm approved, accepted, allowed.

I feel like no one takes me seriously (in the pottery world) because I didn't go to school for clay, because I haven't taken ANY class. That I'm a kid playing in the mud.

And so I want to prove them wrong. Prove that like many before me it's more about how hard you work and how determined you are that determines whether you succeed or fail. If I try hard enough and don't give up, and do what it takes, I WILL succeed....SOMEDAY.

But mostly, I just want to be happy with where I'm at now. And from a practical standpoint, logically speaking, I am. I have everything I've ever needed, most of what I've ever wanted, and so much more that I never deserved. There is no reason to look at someone else and be envious, and I wish my mind and heart would just quit. Because I am a VERY BLESSED person. Thank You, Lord.

Another Life Cut Short

Only a year ago I wrote this post: A Mother's Tears, and now I find the words more true than ever as another senior on the brink of life, with her future stretched out before her, died in a car accident over the weekend. And her passenger is still not clear of death's unfair clutches...

Instead of a graduation party, her parents are planning her funeral. Sometimes life is so unfair.

Just Like Little Adults Sometimes

You that fascination with photocopying one's own buttocks? I don't get it, either. But apparently my 3 year old son does...

He brings me his digital camera (the one I bought him so he'd just poop on the potty already) and is flipping through his pics, and he laughs as he shows me one he took with his pants off. What made him decide to put the camera back there and flash away, I have no idea. But it proves I understand the male mind of a boy just as much as that of his father....

Anyway, my 5 year old meanwhile acts as if she's ARRIVED. The same night I got to view Rugger's derrier, I was about to turn on Survivor, and Pumpkin cocks her head and notes, "Survivor...I used to love that show when I was four" in a voice that says that's SO behind her now...

Birdie, meanwhile, has learned to crawl almost as well as her brother and is realizing that wherever he goes, there's usually something more fun (translated: off limits) to be seen, so you'll often catch her trailing behind him. It's very cute, and I'm really loving this stage right now, despite the still sleepless nights.

Well, I splurged and got a quad stroller so I can walk again. It's been almost a year. Well, basically I stopped walking when the twins were born, so a few more months. But it FEELS like forever. My friend who is pregnant and due in June asked me how I possibly walked during my pregnancy as much as I did (almsot 2 miles almost daily) and especially with twins, since she felt wore out with just one and not walking that much. I told her I honestly didn't know, that perhaps part of me instinctly knew I was going to need to build up my strength for taking care of twins I didn't know were there, yet.

But I DO know it was very difficult. Every day it was a challenge, and every step was a battle. By the time the twins DID come, my lower body was skinnier than it is now. Though I weigh less due to the birth, technically I was skinnier then if you take off the belly.

So I'm ready to get back out there and walk again. I liked the time to think, and the kids love the ride, too. We went two weekends ago when it first got warm out, with the two strollers, and I loved walking that stretch again. The two older ones can only go about a block before they're wore out, so I kept trying to think of a way to walk without depending on someone else, which would be difficult for so many reasons.

And I kept looking for quad strollers within our budget. Most I saw cost over $1,000 and there was no way I was paying that. So when I found one on ebay for less than half, including shipping (which was over a forth of the cost), I just HAD to get it.

It should come early next week, and I can't wait. With these nice days, we've been out on the front porch (so it's like a giant playpen for the babies, as the backyard would be impossible with them eating everything in sight!) and the only thing missing is that walk. I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait!

Let alone the nice weather means I eat less sweets. I just don't crave them as much when I'm happy outside. And the walk...oh, it just cleanses you, you know what I mean?

So, here's to Spring and all the good changes it will bring (school being out soon so Boom can be home, a trip to Pittsburgh - our stomping grounds as a family - including the zoo there, the babies turning a year old, and no more bundling to go outside.)