Thursday, July 28, 2005

Season For Dreams

Today the weather stuck around 65 degrees the whole day. It rained on and off and frankly, if the trees weren't so green, I'd have said it was a perfect fall day...

Fall is my favorite season of the year, bar none. I love everything about it, except the fact that Boom is not around as much due to the busy nature of football. But I even look forward to Football, believe it or not. I always have.

When I was a child, I fell asleep in the fall to the sound of a football announcer commenting somewhere in my neighborhood. When I got married, I napped on Sunday afternoons while Boom watched his game. And then as Boom got deeper into coaching, I began to appreciate the details of the game and of course now I have my own personal interests on the line with him being the head coach.

I love campfires in the backyard, hiking, camping (when the kids are older, I hope), leaves falling and crunching beneath my feet. And I hope I can do most of these things this year.

I know my fertility is returning soon...there are signs, even as simple as the increased acne on my face that I keep messing with. And with that comes the hope that I don't get pregnant this time. I want to enjoy this year without morning sickness, sore nipples, and pain.

I want to enjoy two toddlers who marvel at the wonders of a backyard in the fall. Of playgrounds and s'mores.

I also keep thinking about clay. I thought about if I had a kiln right now, and that I could be having so much fun today with this weather and smoothing the clay with water, and listening to music, etc. I can feel it so strongly, I can see it...and I wonder if it's nothing more than another of my "little girl" dreams.

Not that I ever dreamt of sculpting in clay before. No, this is a relatively new dream. But I've had others. I have never known what I wanted to be, but I knew I could do whatever I wanted if I put my heart into it, as my Mother always told me. I am a Jack Of All Trades, Master Of None. I do many things okay, but nothing spectacular.

I know I am intelligent. Smart, no. I only memorized facts then forgot them. But I am intelligent, which I consider to mean a mature thinker. I know I am creative. Not Andy Warhol creative, but I definitely think out of the box. More often than not, I find I can't identify with those around me because my thought differ so much. Last night at the Book Discussion group...I have so little in common with anyone I meet...at least if you go past the surface. I mean, sure, I can have many things in common like we are mothers, or we both have cats, or we live in Sugar Grove....but beneath all that to who we really are...there's not much I see in others that I find in myself.

Most people either have bought into today's agenda, or they say they haven't but simply go under a different name. Maybe I do too...if they are blind to it, then perhaps I am, too. And I know on some levels, I am.

But I have always believed, in everything I've ever done. Every report, every science project, I have believed one thing that I must believe God instilled into me: it must be fun!!! If God didn't give me this idea, then I am lost, truly. Because it's the one constant in my life. It's why I still have toys from my childhood, and even some for my adulthood. It's why I want to homeschool in part.

You see, I want more than just an education for my children, I want them to have an experience. If they read the definition of sculptor in the dictionary, they might have an idea of what one is. And if they see a picture of a sculptor, they have a better understanding. And better still with a video or actual visit to a sculptor...But if you let them sculpt, then they will fully understand. That's what I want.....and that's why I'm afraid, because I don't know if I can get or find the resources.

Anyway, today I dreamed of ceramics, again. I dreamed of a fall filled with sweet memories and carefree days. I dreamed of a future that I don't know exists, but hope with all my heart does. And I enjoyed the dream.

*8*8*8*

Tonight at church the pastor asked me to pray about becoming the person in charge of the nursery. Here's fodder for the homechurcher's out there! ;) I didn't even want to be a nursery worker in the first place, let alone in charge of it all. And I know he said I could say no, and I will. But I'll still feel guilty. But I can't do it...I can't. I am the kind of person who stresses, stresses, and stresses. I can't do it....

But I wish I could pray about stuff and get answers. I don't think God has ever answered those kind of prayers for me, or else I don't know how to hear. Which is why I have a hard time with my personal time with God. I never seem to hear from Him. I thank Him all the time. I pray for others, but when it comes to talking with God, I always seem to be stuck. I try to confess any known and unknown sin so that "wall" people talk about isn't there. But still nothing. I try to quiet the thoughts in my head enough, but still nothing. And then I feel guilty for not hearing the Still Small Voice, and then I doubt if I'm even saved in the first place, and then I end up here...not remembering the last time I tried, and worried that I'll not be saved anyway by default for not trying for so long....

At any rate, some people think that Stay At Home means Not Busy. I don't want to go into my rant on Stay At Home vs. Working Moms right now, since I am very tired. But it came up again tonight, as well...

So here's to dreams in the fall and hopes for future...
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