Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Mother Knows Best


I hate Internet Explorer! This is the fourth time I've tried posting to the blog, and I tried copying and pasting, but that won't work apparently...but this thing keeps shutting down with it's "Send Error Report" error message. *argh!*

Anyway....

Yesterday, once I got over feeling depressed and realized I needed to do something in order to feel better, I cleaned the house again. It wasn't too bad since I had just cleaned it the day before we left for Indiana, but it still stressed me out. So I picked up most of the stuff and felt better the rest of the night.

I even took the kids to the playground after supper, which Pumpkin had been asking for all day(the playground, not the supper.) They actually put a stairway up to the slides, where previously they only had a vertical ladder. It was nice because now Pumpkin can climb up to the slides and go down by herself. I even let Rugger crawl up the steps with me close behind and we went down the slides together. The weather was nice, too, since it had cooled off by then. I enjoyed myself better than I thought I would. It was nice to see Amber able to do stuff at this playground, for once.

Today is supposed to be very hot, but so far it's been pretty pleasant. I still filled up the kiddy pool this morning after breakfast so it warms up, too.

But today my day got off to a bad start when the neighbor lady came to visit. She invited me to tea at her house tomorrow with a bunch of ladies. Well, I told her I would love to go (which I would) but it's Wednesday night and I have the small group with the ladies at church, which I also like. (I only joined the class for socializing, so I look forward to it. Not that I'm not getting anything out of it, it's just that most of the classes aren't where I'm at right now, and I just plain want human interaction, so I joined the women's only group.) Anyway, she told me to skip it (which irks me simply because if I state I have a previous commitment, it means I don't plan on skipping...I don't skip things...it's not my nature. If I plan on something, I'll usually do it.) But when I told her I usually bring the kids with me to church (I didn't mention nursery, so she probably assumed they sit with me, which they have at times when I couldn't get them to calm down, and that I'd have to bring them with me to the tea, she just said, "oh."

I didn't bother telling her that the only person I've had watch them is my MIL because even though I don't trust or like everything she does, I trust her more than strangers or people I don't know as well, and I'm having her come here tonight so I can go to a book discussion on a book that I normally wouldn't read because it's language is inappropriate (The Sweet Potato Queen's Book of Love) but again because of the human interaction I want to go, and I don't want to ask MIL to come over again on Friday so I can chat with more women, let alone that I don't want her watching my kids too often, anyway.....

So, I just told her I'd come another time. Then she started talking small talk and mentioned football and how she's not into it, so I felt the need to defend what I now know is not just a brutal sport, but a reflection of life, with as much strategy as a chess game, as much choreography as a ballet, and as much meaning as a family unit. I didn't say all that; I just simply told her I understand football now, and she said something like, "Well, I suppose as the coach's wife you need to know something..." which got to me I'm not sure why. I don't know if it implied that's the only reason I should know stuff, or if it implied I should know football (which I don't think is necessary, technically) or if it was nothing and I get too heated about her comments. But there's a reason for that...

The first time I met her I didn't even know it. We were at a mutual friend's house for one of those Tastefully Simple parties and my friend brought me my drink in a mug that was shaped like a pregnant woman's belly. My future neighbor asked if I was pregnant, to which I replied, "Not that I know of! At least, not yet. And not for awhile, hopefully." Little did I know I was indeed pregnant as of that weekend...though I didn't take the test until the next Tuesday to be sure.

Anyway, the second time I met her was the day before Rugger was born. Our mutual friend introduced us, and I was glad to be her neighbor. So when Rugger was around 5 months old, I found out she was pregnant with her fourth, and so when I ran into her a few months later I told her if she needed anyone to talk to when the baby comes, I've right here. After all, for me the hardest part of both my babies was the loneliness. She then told me I needed to get out more, and I responded that I don't trust many people to watch them, and she replied that, "Sometimes you need to let them suffer........."

I just don't agree, frankly. And I'm not talking about discipline and the natural consequences. I'm talking about leaving kids when they don't know the person, or just plain don't know why I'm leaving them. Just like in the nursery. I get tired of well-meaning people telling me I need my own time without the kids. I know. But to me, if the kids cry the whole time I'm gone, any fun I had went right out the door. Let alone the fact that I'd worry the whole time I was out, anyway.

As it stands, this woman is a working Mom, so she obviously feels differently. And that's okay, but she has this mindset that I am a slave to my kids' every desire and never set foot away from my home or them. This became obvious when I told her about a month later that Boom and I had gone to the theater to watch such-and-such movie and she exclaims, "You brought Rugger?" Confused, I told her that, no, my mother and father watched the kids. To which she replied, "Oh! So you do leave him!" *sigh* -------and would it be so wrong if I didn't????

So today, she comes to my porch, me with my pigtails from last night (didn't want to get hair in my face or on my neck in my sweatiness while cleaning) and rags for clothing on (haven't taken a shower, what do I care?) and as we talk about football I tell her my dilemma about Boom's first game of the year.

It's his toughest opponent, and the first game. It's two hours away. I want to go, but won't put the kids through it. However, even though my mom offered to watch the kids, I don't know about leaving Rugger since he still nurses every two hours at night, at least. (I didn't mention the two hour part...knew she'd disapprove of that based on earlier conversations about kids sleeping through the night.) She, of course, said very casually, "Oh, just leave him. You never leave them, anyway." I wanted to scream and shrivel up at the same time. Why is it I have to leave my kids to be a good person??? WHY?

I just don't mind being with my kids. Yes, they drive me crazy at times. But that's part of the territory...I accept it. Just like the quirks of marriage. I don't leave Boom every time he drives me crazy, why would I leave my kids? I'm not saying time to myself isn't good or healthy, but I'll get that time when I want it, and when the kids are old enough to take it better.

I didn't let Pumpkin stay over night with my sister, who begged, until she was 2. Even then, I was nervous. She was more fine than I thought, but does that mean I'm overprotective and spoil my kids?

Anyway, I don't tell this woman that studies support staying at home with your children when they are young. When she told me that she's going back to work next week I didn't tell her that I was glad my kids weren't separated from me at such a young, crucial age. So why does she tell me that I'm too much of one thing when I could just as easily tell her she's too much of another?

And I'm not even against working Moms. I just don't think it's the best for the kids, in my opinion. But I'll not think less of you, though I might wonder what caused you to make one decision, and me another. But that's okay...just don't make me feel back for my choices, either.

Then again, I do get sick and tired of all the PC stuff out there today. I'm not always sure where to draw the line, but I do know that some things are right, and some are wrong. And I won't be popular in voicing it, but I still believe sex should be saved for marriage. I believe homosexuality is wrong (I'm not afraid of it, I don't think they are horrible people, just people who are sincerely lost, some of them very good people.) I believe abortion is wrong, though I don't know all the answers to the unplanned children resulting. I believe a lot of things, but if I speak it in public, then I am intolerant and judgmental...

Unfortunately, it's not just me. And someday, when you meet you're maker face to face, you'll realize that He's not trying to be judgmental, He just wants what's best for you.

Anyway, I always get caught in the middle, because I'm too afraid to tell people all of the above. I'm afraid they'll think I'm judging people, and I'm afraid they will judge me, believing in "religion" and such. I'm a people pleaser, and I don't want anyone mad at me. It's especially difficult when I have a different view point with a good friend, or if two friends have different viewpoints, then I don't want the one with the viewpoint I disagree with to like me less.

At any rate, I felt stupid again today. I hate it when people make me feel that way. I hate it that I allow myself to feel that way over something someone said in ignorance. If I'm fine with the way I do things, what does it matter what other people think? It matters because I always worry that maybe I am wrong. That maybe there's a better way, and since I want the best, I try to be open to other ideas. Otherwise I wouldn't even be where I am today.

And so in the end, I really don't know who knows best. Studies always show both sides to be right, depending on what you read, and I keep hearing that I know my kids best, to go with my instinct. And if that's true, then I'm just fine where I am, thank you very much.

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It did get hot, but we got our swim in before the storm hit which cooled things off considerably. While I was sitting in the pool, though, I thought couldn't stop thinking about my neighbor. And I focused on two trains of thought. One, there was no place I'd rather be at that moment but with my kids, and I'm glad it was me and not someone else. I want to be the one to take them to the playground, see the amazement as they catch their first grasshopper, watch them play house, etc. Second, I wondered if my neighbor could hear me laughing and talking with my children and would think it strange that I was having fun. For some reason, I picture her to think I'm boring since I must not go anywhere or do anything, as I'm with my kids at home all day.

There's really two things wrong with this picture. I do go places, and sometimes I take my kids, and sometimes I don't. And even if I don't go anywhere, I still do stuff with them at home.

Also, I wonder if she'd be suprised by who I was before I had kids. I was a colorguard in the marching band. I was in Bible Quizzing. I love to travel. I love to see new places and try new things. I am social by nature, though shy at first.

But she sees a wall, and that's too bad...

By the way, in case anyone should think that I don't know it, in regards to my previous posting, I know that I, too, am not perfect. I sin just like everyone else. I just have a problem with people who think that there is no such thing as sin...

Anyway, it's late, I must go.
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