I've been down again today. We had a great Christmas, and I'm looking forward to the New Year, with a "real" party for New Year's Eve, no less. But there's three things I have been thinking about:
Death -
In days past, and not so very far away, death was accepted as part of life. It was expected, even. Most families had more children who died than lived, and to grow old with a spouse was almost unheard of. To grow old in general is something that very few did. But in our time, in this country, we view life as a right everyone deserves, and to a ripe old age. When people die, we talk about them being "stolen" from us. And in a way, they are. But only because we have the view that it is normal to expect them to be with us forever, or until the "normal" time for dying comes...around 90, maybe?
But death IS a part of life. Even God must see death somewhat differently from us, as He killed many people without much of a thought in the Old Testament. I can be comforted, though, that Jesus mourned both for Lazerus and for John the Baptist. This means that when it is my time to face death or loss, my sadness won't be unexpected. And yet, I hope that I can also see that it is a part of our human fate. That I have no right to expect happiness all of my days. I will welcome the joyous times, no doubt. But to think that harm will pass me by is careless and a form of denial.
Someday, I, too, will mourn. I hope it is not soon, and I can only pray that when it does happen that God holds me up. For there are some things that I will never understand this side of Heaven...
The second thing I've been pondering is:
Confidence -
Why is it that I can't be confident in who I am? Who God made me to be? Part of it is that I'm always second guessing who that person is. Or who that person is SUPPOSED to be...Am I doing what God wants me to do? Being who He wants me to be? Or am I missing the mark?
I look for other people who I feel comfortable with, and as I am around them I begin to think that they have all the answers. So I try to be as much like them as possible. And yet I fall short. And so when another group of my friends get together, and I know they are smart and well-rounded individuals whom I respect and like, I feel out of place because of the ideas I present from my other group of friens. This group feels differently, and I feel on the "outs." I want to be accepted by both groups, but find I fall just short in both arenas.
It appears that despite my desire to fit in and be accepted, I still stand apart. And yet that's okay, too. But it would be nice if I had people come up to me and say, "You know...not only do I think that what you are doing is great, I think it's so great I want to do it too!"
I want that pat on the back that says I'm doing a good job. That people like me. That I am okay. Funny how grade-school ostracism never strays too far from the ego...
Part of me is okay with who I am. Confident that my children are doing well. But the other part says I'm a failure at everything I do. Good enough but not outstanding...
Which leads me to the last thing on my mind:
Art for the Sake of Fun -
I haven't touched my clay in forever. But I haven't even touched my needle felting. Not for lack of time. Or ideas. But for fear. Fear of failing. Fear of wasting money. Fear of falling short.
I spent a lot of money on the materials for needle felting, and I haven't done that good of a job on it. Of course, the best way to learn is to practice, and yet if I practice just for the sake of practicing, then I feel like I'm wasting all that money. I want to make things that "count." Toys for the kids, gifts for friends, something worth something.
It's a reflection of my life. I want to make something that the world sees as worth. I want kids that people think are well-raised. A home that looks well-kept. A craft that looks well-made. Conversation that sounds well-thought.
I can't seem to accept God's seal of approval for the fact that I'm just me. That my hubby loves me and thinks I work hard and come up with great ideas for crafting. That my kids love me.
And so as I listen to this music, I think about the things that are good in my life. And it truly is a wonderful world I live in. There's enough negativity out there, and I don't need to search for it.
But the positive...there's SO much of that, too. And though on some days it's hard to find, when I look it's hard to miss. And I think, I truly think, that if you could weigh the good against the bad, I'd still come out on the good side.
There's still a lot of bad to work out. But God isn't finished with me yet. He's still smoothing out the sides and gently burnishing the sharper points on me. I look forward to seeing what changes He'll bring in 2008...
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