If only emotions could be controlled by a dial I would turn them down when I'm overwhelmed, turn them up when I'm apathetic, and tune them out when I can't take it anymore.
But there is no dial and so many different emotions have crashed upon my shore lately. I'll try to list them and be brief since to be otherwise would be insane...
- Broken-hearted as we attend VBS at our old church (me and the kids, Boom has football.) The one thing I felt really bad about was taking Pumpkin out of the place where she had bloomed and opened up. All her friends upon seeing her exclaimed, "Amber's here!!" and her teacher didn't realize we had left the church until tonight when I told him, and had been looking forward to Cubbies (Awana) in the fall, and said, "Oh, and she was my favorite..." It almost made me want to cry. Our new church isn't bad at all, but it's much smaller, so Pumpkin only has ONE child her age in her class, the same boy we see weekly with his family.
- Happy and Hopeful at our new church. I have made many new friends whom I see on a more regular basis with either football, the library and other community events, or a playdate. The playdate friend is the pastor's daughter and the youth pastor's wife. Their son is Pumpkin's age and their daughter is a few months younger than Rugger.
- Frustrated and Depressed about the clay situation. I want my kiln hooked up so I can move forward. I wonder if I'm really any good, and I wish I could practice more to find out. I wonder if I'll be good enough to make ANY type of profit from it, and when I'll find the time to make enough to sell if I can.
- Torn about my homeschooling decision. As a child I was always on the outside looking at the IN crowd. Not by choice, but by their default. I was the one they chose to pick on. So I became a people pleaser, wanting only ONE thing all my life - to be accepted and fit in. And though it defies odds, I keep choosing things in my adult life that put me outside of that "normal" circle (ie. homebirth, cloth diapers, co-sleeping, etc.) And so the one thing I have NEVER wanted for my children was for them to not be included, liked, wanted. And I realized as all of Pumpkins friends/relatives that are her age will be in pre-school next year, and she won't. And if you ask her, she'd love to go to school (it's on TV, in her books, and she has toys that depict "school.") And I realize that I, *I* am the one who is placing her on the outside looking in, I'm setting her apart, making her "odd." And it rips me apart.
- Encouraged by the movie "Spanglish" when Adam Sandlers says, "You have to root for 'odd' verses 'the same'" and then at the end when the author of the essay states, "one thing defines me: I am my mother's daughter." I of course cried and hoped that maybe my daughter will be okay, afterall.
- Worried that my happy life will someday be shattered. As I lay in bed the other night after Rugger had just nursed to sleep and Pumpkin was sleeping in the bed a few feet away, I wanted for a moment to freeze time; to stay right where we were and not move forward in time, where tragedy or sorrow or despair might hit us at any point in time. For here there was only peace, happiness, and contentment. And my heart clenched to think that it may not always be so.
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