Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Over the Rainbow

As I sit here listening to "Over the Rainbow" from the soundtrack to the movie 50 First Dates I can't help but picture the ending scene where Drew Barrymore is looking out over the sea with the mountains in the backdrop and the sails aloft on the sunny, breezy morning....and I love this song and the way it makes me feel.

I've been down again today. We had a great Christmas, and I'm looking forward to the New Year, with a "real" party for New Year's Eve, no less. But there's three things I have been thinking about:

Death - 
In days past, and not so very far away, death was accepted as part of life. It was expected, even. Most families had more children who died than lived, and to grow old with a spouse was almost unheard of. To grow old in general is something that very few did. But in our time, in this country, we view life as a right everyone deserves, and to a ripe old age. When people die, we talk about them being "stolen" from us. And in a way, they are. But only because we have the view that it is normal to expect them to be with us forever, or until the "normal" time for dying comes...around 90, maybe?

But death IS a part of life. Even God must see death somewhat differently from us, as He killed many people without much of a thought in the Old Testament. I can be comforted, though, that Jesus mourned both for Lazerus and for John the Baptist. This means that when it is my time to face death or loss, my sadness won't be unexpected. And yet, I hope that I can also see that it is a part of our human fate. That I have no right to expect happiness all of my days. I will welcome the joyous times, no doubt. But to think that harm will pass me by is careless and a form of denial.

Someday, I, too, will mourn. I hope it is not soon, and I can only pray that when it does happen that God holds me up. For there are some things that I will never understand this side of Heaven...

The second thing I've been pondering is:

Confidence - 

Why is it that I can't be confident in who I am? Who God made me to be? Part of it is that I'm always second guessing who that person is. Or who that person is SUPPOSED to be...Am I doing what God wants me to do? Being who He wants me to be? Or am I missing the mark?

I look for other people who I feel comfortable with, and as I am around them I begin to think that they have all the answers. So I try to be as much like them as possible. And yet I fall short. And so when another group of my friends get together, and I know they are smart and well-rounded individuals whom I respect and like, I feel out of place because of the ideas I present from my other group of friens. This group feels differently, and I feel on the "outs." I want to be accepted by both groups, but find I fall just short in both arenas.

It appears that despite my desire to fit in and be accepted, I still stand apart. And yet that's okay, too. But it would be nice if I had people come up to me and say, "You know...not only do I think that what you are doing is great, I think it's so great I want to do it too!"

I want that pat on the back that says I'm doing a good job. That people like me. That I am okay. Funny how grade-school ostracism never strays too far from the ego...

Part of me is okay with who I am. Confident that my children are doing well. But the other part says I'm a failure at everything I do. Good enough but not outstanding...

Which leads me to the last thing on my mind:

Art for the Sake of Fun - 

I haven't touched my clay in forever. But I haven't even touched my needle felting. Not for lack of time. Or ideas. But for fear. Fear of failing. Fear of wasting money. Fear of falling short.

I spent a lot of money on the materials for needle felting, and I haven't done that good of a job on it. Of course, the best way to learn is to practice, and yet if I practice just for the sake of practicing, then I feel like I'm wasting all that money. I want to make things that "count." Toys for the kids, gifts for friends, something worth something.

It's a reflection of my life. I want to make something that the world sees as worth. I want kids that people think are well-raised. A home that looks well-kept. A craft that looks well-made. Conversation that sounds well-thought.

I can't seem to accept God's seal of approval for the fact that I'm just me. That my hubby loves me and thinks I work hard and come up with great ideas for crafting. That my kids love me.

And so as I listen to this music, I think about the things that are good in my life. And it truly is a wonderful world I live in. There's enough negativity out there, and I don't need to search for it.

But the positive...there's SO much of that, too. And though on some days it's hard to find, when I look it's hard to miss. And I think, I truly think, that if you could weigh the good against the bad, I'd still come out on the good side.

There's still a lot of bad to work out. But God isn't finished with me yet. He's still smoothing out the sides and gently burnishing the sharper points on me. I look forward to seeing what changes He'll bring in 2008...

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

It Just Keeps Coming

Last week's headlines in our local paper told the story of a trio consisting of an angry ex-wife, her brother, and their friend who conspired to kill her ex-husband in cold blood, leaving his sons to find his dead body on the back porch when they got home from school. Apparently the killer also practiced on their pet dog before shooting the father.

Today in front of Boom's high school a fed-ex truck slid sideways causing another car to run full-on into it, and a tracker trailer tipped over trying to avoid the accident. The young man, only 22, driving the car was killed. The son of a family we're friends with, who happen to also be homeschoolers, I can't even imagine what his mother and siblings are feeling tonight. 

And for the whole season. This year, for so many, 2008 will be a Christmas they will never forget. But for all the wrong reasons.  And I'm having a hard time not getting down about it.

So the best I can do is be thankful for my family. Live in the moment and know that I didn't waste even a day. Because if my daughter dies when she turns two, I'll know that those two years weren't spent "training" her to be an adult, but appreciating her for who she is now. 

I'll know that I didn't let my children fear if they didn't have to, or cry if I could help it. Yes, there have been times of fear and several tears shed. But not because I forced them to cry it out in a dark room while longing for me. Not because I force them to obey arbitrary rules just "because I said so."

Now, more than ever, I am thankful that I am on the unschooling journey in our lives. Not just accademically, but whole living. I have so much joy in my life right now with my children and husband. I cherish them completely, and am glad for each new day with them...

Friday, December 12, 2008

Tis' the Season

This year I have so much to be thankful for. Unfortunately, I wish I could say the same for many of my friends and family.

A couple very close to us not only split up, leaving the kids wondering why, but one of them now has another person in their love life, which means they probably won't be working this problem out. I feel awful for our friends, and even more awful for their kids, who are already showing physical problems of stress (wetting pants at school...)

Another couple celebrated the birth of their beautiful daughter last Sunday after Thanksgiving, only to find out less than 24 hours later that something went wrong and she started suffering seizures which ultimately cost her her life just last evening. She was declared brain dead less than 48 hours after she was born, and struggled to live just over a week after that so her parents could hold her and say goodbye. She was their firstborn, and instead of celebrating her first Christmas, they are planning her funeral...

Another family lost a wife, daughter, sister and friend as a woman gave birth and then suffered blood loss and eventually died leaving behind her husband and firstborn daughter. She was younger than I am and Boom was friends with her in school, and she taught at the local elementary school in the area...

I've been trying to get a hold of my old best friend from high school and college. Her name is very common and I haven't been able to track her down in years. But I ran into luck by finding her sister on Facebook. However, the cell phone number I called and left a message at hasn't returned my call, and the sister claims she's looking for an e-mail address but had just been busy. The thing is is that she's gone to movies, hung out with friends, and regularly posts to facebook, so I'm not sure is she just can't find the e-mail or doesn't ever talk to her sister to get it from her, of if my friend is avoiding me.

I really hope she's not because for some reason that hurts more than it should....

But we are doing really good here ourselves, and I am grateful. The twins are just as wonderful as the older two are, and I'm having so much fun with them, though I am constantly chasing them around and having to remove them from danger and clean up all.the.time!

I made some laptops for the older two out of coldpress board:




The screen is just printed on paper and I have acetate in front of it. I like them, anyway :)

It amazes me how much these kids pick up things. Rugger notices every last detail in everything, even my parents' bedroom - the little lamp on their bedstand - when he hardly even goes into a room. And today Pumpkin was serving "Burger King" food and only had fries but Rugger wanted chicken nuggets. I told her that that WAS his order, he's not asking for the french fries she has. So she blurts out, "Well, we're fresh out of them, so NOW what do you want?" I'm guessing Sponge Bob was where she picked that up, but I have no idea! LOL!!!

I look forward to this Christmas, and I pray for comfort for those that can't.