Today was the first day of school around here, and so I awoke to the sounds of school buses dropping children off next door. (We live right next door to the elementary school.)
But this also means I get depressed again. For now Boom is gone back too, and until the sound of buses no longer hits my ears in the morning, I will miss him. I just feel more stable when he's around. I don't even get to talk to him once all day....
It's hard to believe it's been a whole year since we moved in. This weekend will mark that year to the day. A year ago tomorrow, on a Tuesday evening, we came to the house to put in our mailbox and then over to the lawyer's to close. I simply sat on the porch swing with Rugger, my just-born.
And then on Wednesday we started moving stuff over. Mostly dishes to be put away in the kitchen. But I didn't get much done. My head was in the clouds as I wanted to hold my SO new son, and I wanted to look at my SO empty house.
But that didn't last for long. The sound of children playing the the playground on the gentle breeze through the screen door turned to the sound of many men asking me where to put this dresser, that box.....and then they were gone. And we were left with the knowledge that the washer and dryer didn't work without some parts and hoses, and with a newborn and toddler in cloth diapers and a hubby going to work in nice clothes daily, a washer and dryer was something of a priority to me.
And then Friday night approached and with boxes stacked to the ceiling in front of the fireplace and both kids long gone to bed, I stayed up past midnight waiting for Boom and putting thing after thing in its new place. I felt SO alone, happy though I was to be here.
And I feel SO alone now. Happy though I am that we are settled and Rugger is almost walking. But I want someone older than 3 to converse with, even just once a week.
And today is clouded over, which doesn't help.
I hope I can get the kiln up and running soon, so I can at least look forward to that. And once the kids can play outside without crawling on the cold, wet, ground, I can look forward to more outings....
Monday, August 29, 2005
Friday, August 26, 2005
One Sweet Summer Night
One year ago today...
Just a little after midnight at the Penley home...in the midst of gentle candle light and soft music, from womb to warm water, surrounded by hushed voices and loving arms...my son was born.
Happy First Birthday, Rugger!
Just a little after midnight at the Penley home...in the midst of gentle candle light and soft music, from womb to warm water, surrounded by hushed voices and loving arms...my son was born.
Happy First Birthday, Rugger!
Thursday, August 25, 2005
Fever Fever
No, that wasn't a typo. It's what I have at my house right now. Two very small children with two very annoying fevers. And it won't go away real soon....
When the tylenol and IBprofin didn't keep the fever away for long, I wondered. When Rugger only wanted held and didn't want to play, I wondered. When they moaned in their sleep, I wondered. But when Rugger wouldn't nurse or drink any water, then I worried.
I took a flashlight and saw a couple white spots on his throat, but it didn't look like strep. Nonetheless, I had to wait until 2:30 to take them to the doctor.
Turns out they have a strain of the cocsackie virus. Namely Herpangina, thought not the foot or hand part. Just the open sores on the back of the throat, making it very, very painful. And they are contagious for the whole week, I guess, with the fever possible lasting as long, and the sores definately so....
Which means I'm going to be one stretched and tired mom this week since Boom is gone at his first week at school.
And what a birthday present for Rugger! My sister and BIL's girlfriend can't come because they are pregnant, and there IS one strain which an hurt babies in utero. And of course I don't want the little boy to catch it, either (the girlfriend's son.) So there goes the party. My parents will still be here, but it just won't be the same. He won't even get to eat his own birthday cake with the joy that one expects... :( And he's my eater, too!
Oh, well. It could be worse. But this means I can't take them anywhere for a week, either. Bummer.
When the tylenol and IBprofin didn't keep the fever away for long, I wondered. When Rugger only wanted held and didn't want to play, I wondered. When they moaned in their sleep, I wondered. But when Rugger wouldn't nurse or drink any water, then I worried.
I took a flashlight and saw a couple white spots on his throat, but it didn't look like strep. Nonetheless, I had to wait until 2:30 to take them to the doctor.
Turns out they have a strain of the cocsackie virus. Namely Herpangina, thought not the foot or hand part. Just the open sores on the back of the throat, making it very, very painful. And they are contagious for the whole week, I guess, with the fever possible lasting as long, and the sores definately so....
Which means I'm going to be one stretched and tired mom this week since Boom is gone at his first week at school.
And what a birthday present for Rugger! My sister and BIL's girlfriend can't come because they are pregnant, and there IS one strain which an hurt babies in utero. And of course I don't want the little boy to catch it, either (the girlfriend's son.) So there goes the party. My parents will still be here, but it just won't be the same. He won't even get to eat his own birthday cake with the joy that one expects... :( And he's my eater, too!
Oh, well. It could be worse. But this means I can't take them anywhere for a week, either. Bummer.
Wednesday, August 24, 2005
Hand Crafted
Well, the good news is I got my kiln!!! The not so best but not so bad news is that I spent a little more than what we planned on spending. But after calling Boom up and spilling the news, he just thought it was funny and forgave me, which I knew he would, anyway.
But it was exhilarating! I got on the computer this morning and nothing had changed. But about 10 minutes before the auction was over, I checked again and there were at least 10 more bids in! So I waited not so patiently next to my computer, refreshing my screen every 10 seconds until it was about 3 minutes left. I placed my bid and pressed ENTER. Then it asked me to sign in.
SIGN IN! I forgot to sign in! My hands shaking now, I quickly enter my login name and password, hoping I got it right since I couldn't stop the jerky movements of my hands, and waited. It went through! But when I refreshed the screen, I had been outbid again! So I bid again, and again, and back and forth we went, neck and neck, right up to the last 8 seconds and then I held my breath.
I looked at my screen. In small red words it said: This auction has ended. I was afraid to look down, but I had to...and there on the top of the list of bids...was ME!!!! I had got it!
And then I felt immediate remorse. I knew that 3 bids ago I had gone as high as I had planned worst case scenario....but I couldn't let them have it now! Not after dreaming about it for days! For weeks! For months! I was only seconds away from claiming it for my own! I had to bid higher! I couldn't walk away without a fight!
And then it was over. It was mine. I was free to pay and ask directions for pick up. The other people, whoever they may be, must have been sorely disappointed and I honestly felt bad for them. Maybe they wanted it as bad as me....But I hope not. Or I hope that they can find another. But for me this means no more pouring over ebay listings hoping to find one, no more time wasted trying to devise a plan to get a kiln....I now am the proud owner of a used, but still good, kiln.
And so I will call my Aunt-In-Law (such a thing?) and ask if her boyfriend can come look at our electric in the garage shed thing and see if we need to re-wire it. Then I need to purchase kiln furniture, cones, clay and glazes. And then I can pot! Oh, wait, that's not a verb, is it....Well, if one makes pottery, and they are a potter, then don't they pot? ;)
Seriously, though, I can sculpt. I hope I can figure out how to work the thing well enough that I don't screw it up. And my MIL knows someone who either owns a ceramic place here in nowhere, or else she just quit it lately. And maybe she can give me some lessons.
At any rate, yesterday I spent some time uploading scanned-in pics of some of my polymer clay and corn husk work. I made a sort of gallery on my other site. Check it out if you want, especially the chess set, bird's nest, and sweeping woman. It's not a professional gallery, I know, but it's something. And hopefully I can add to it soon.
_________________________________________________________
On a side note worth risking TMI, today also happens to be the day of my first cycle since Rugger was born just a very little under a year ago.
But it was exhilarating! I got on the computer this morning and nothing had changed. But about 10 minutes before the auction was over, I checked again and there were at least 10 more bids in! So I waited not so patiently next to my computer, refreshing my screen every 10 seconds until it was about 3 minutes left. I placed my bid and pressed ENTER. Then it asked me to sign in.
SIGN IN! I forgot to sign in! My hands shaking now, I quickly enter my login name and password, hoping I got it right since I couldn't stop the jerky movements of my hands, and waited. It went through! But when I refreshed the screen, I had been outbid again! So I bid again, and again, and back and forth we went, neck and neck, right up to the last 8 seconds and then I held my breath.
I looked at my screen. In small red words it said: This auction has ended. I was afraid to look down, but I had to...and there on the top of the list of bids...was ME!!!! I had got it!
And then I felt immediate remorse. I knew that 3 bids ago I had gone as high as I had planned worst case scenario....but I couldn't let them have it now! Not after dreaming about it for days! For weeks! For months! I was only seconds away from claiming it for my own! I had to bid higher! I couldn't walk away without a fight!
And then it was over. It was mine. I was free to pay and ask directions for pick up. The other people, whoever they may be, must have been sorely disappointed and I honestly felt bad for them. Maybe they wanted it as bad as me....But I hope not. Or I hope that they can find another. But for me this means no more pouring over ebay listings hoping to find one, no more time wasted trying to devise a plan to get a kiln....I now am the proud owner of a used, but still good, kiln.
And so I will call my Aunt-In-Law (such a thing?) and ask if her boyfriend can come look at our electric in the garage shed thing and see if we need to re-wire it. Then I need to purchase kiln furniture, cones, clay and glazes. And then I can pot! Oh, wait, that's not a verb, is it....Well, if one makes pottery, and they are a potter, then don't they pot? ;)
Seriously, though, I can sculpt. I hope I can figure out how to work the thing well enough that I don't screw it up. And my MIL knows someone who either owns a ceramic place here in nowhere, or else she just quit it lately. And maybe she can give me some lessons.
At any rate, yesterday I spent some time uploading scanned-in pics of some of my polymer clay and corn husk work. I made a sort of gallery on my other site. Check it out if you want, especially the chess set, bird's nest, and sweeping woman. It's not a professional gallery, I know, but it's something. And hopefully I can add to it soon.
_________________________________________________________
On a side note worth risking TMI, today also happens to be the day of my first cycle since Rugger was born just a very little under a year ago.
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Maybe We're All Hypocrits
I knew the evening would go downhill for me once she said the words, "Come on in!"
I've been attending monthly book discussions at my local library for about 3 months now. This third month we switched books because the book we chose (without having read or even looked at it other than searching for a book on Amazon.com) was filled with the "F" word and tons of sexual vulgarities. The book we switched to, however, is more like a Nancy Drew mystery of sorts.
Now, I really don't mind WHAT book we read, as long as I can discuss it with other adults! However, I was offended by the book we chose, though I read it anyway (see post below.) But there are some in our book club who were more offended at the "fluffy" mystery because it was not thought provoking. Two of these women are very outspoken (which I don't mind.) However, it's what they are outspoken about that gets to me. They are outspoken against the moral fiber I stand on. And that's something that just plain doesn't go well with me. I know in our world of tolerism that I should just tolerate what everyone else does with a "to each his own." But frankly I take the words of God to heart that say "...Think on THESE things." Phillipians 4:8
So tonight I thought it was reading club. My neighbor did too, and asked me if it was. I told her yes. A half hour later I'm walking over to her house because no one is at the library. So she suggests we walk to one of the ladies' house to ask her. And of course, that lady is one of the outspoken, and my neighbor tends to be as well. (again, if just outspoken, that's fine. But when it goes against the word of God...)
So she tells us the meeting is next weeek, but to come on in. She offers us wine, which I decline. She tells me I'll drink it once the kids are grown, "it's what you do" she says. I don't like being told what I'll do.
We then sit down and she and my neighbor discuss for the next two and a half hours how they can't believe the book we just read. That it's fit only for children. That if people are offended by men who are obsessed with their penises then they can put the book down, but we don't want our group to be just old "blue haired ladies." On and on they went.
I, meanwhile, try to say that I, too, felt a little put off by the pervertedness of the first book. The plot was interesting, yes, but it was a bit much in the way of vulgarity. They just keep plowing in their conversation.
And then the lady starts talking about the librarian in charge of the group, how she's...whatever...and that it all started "when she decided to homeschool her son." Now HERE'S where I got prepared to do battler, wishing I knew all the comebacks and stats you homeschoolers out there already know that I have yet to learn. I didn't want to make us look bad.
So she starts saying how there's two things she found wrong with homeschooling (she never did get to number two, thank goodness.) And ironically she asks me what my hubby thinks because he teaches public school. I told her that school does not have to be involved for a child to go through "certain experiences" that enable him to become a capable adult. Then her daughter jumped in on the conversation and to my relief completely agreed with me on some of the points John Holt makes in his book "How Children Fail." She was going to become a teacher, but after learning how teacher's are supposed to teach, became frustrated that they weren't teaching children to learn, but are teaching them to test well. So she dropped out, to which her one teacher wisely said, "But it's people like you who we need to become teachers, because you care."
Anyway, her mom had to take the conversation back, so she began to talk about the fact that she wanted out club to have books one could discuss and learn something about, or about real life. And I wanted to ask her what "Skinny Dip" had in it that taught us something, or that reflected real life.
Then she pointed out that the librarian wouldn't agree to read "The DaVinci Code" because it went against her religious beliefs. And this lady said that she didn't understand because this librarian lets her kids watch "The Terminator", and when they were younger, "Power Rangers." And she asked, "Isn't that hypocritical?"
To which I thought, Then we must all be hypocrits at some point, whether or not we want to be. I mean, I WANT to live a Godly life. I want to be like Christ, who was perfect. But I can not attain that. I want to put every thought into submission and live evey moment in God's will, and that is what I should want to do.
But I will fail. And even when I don't, I must decide what His will is, based off of the Bible, my prayer times, etc. And perhaps I will think that a certain violent movie is okay. Or a certain humorous book. But something else I don't think is okay because it takes the Lord's name in vain. Or whatever.
And I'll appear to be a hypocrit. At least in her eyes. And she can't be a hypocrit, because she approved of everything. She even said that she doesn't care what her husband does and where he goes (even with women), as long as he doesn't bring something home that he didn't leave without. (To me this would include a sexual relation that he didn't leave home with, but apparently not to her...)
But you know what? The word hypocrit, in Jesus day, literally meant "actor." Hypocrits were the Greek actors who acted out plays in the ampitheater (I can't spell check because it's down, I apoligize for any mistakes.) It is someone who is faking it. He knows he is not what he is pretending to be.
Which is why Jesus called the Pharisees "actors." They were claiming to be perfect...but perfectionists was more like it. They had their rules and regulations, and they kept them. But they were playing their part. They didn't really buy into any of it.
But that's not me. I don't claim to have it all together. I don't claim to get it all right. And I struggle daily with what I should and should not do as a Christian. So when you see something that I do that doesn't add up with something that I don't do, I supposed you could call me a hypocrit in the way that the word is used now days. But I'm not acting. I'm genuinely trying to live a life in accordance with the will of the one who created me. And I know I'm not perfect. And my choices may and will change over time.
But I doubt that, as both of the ladies tonight thought, I will become less conservative as I grow older. I sure hope not. I mean, in a way, I became less judgemental when I had kids. And one might say more "liberal." But I didn't become less conservative. Nothing came make me become that short of a deliberate back turning on God. So I really hope that age doesn't turn me into a loose cannon who doesn't mind swearing and inappropriate nudity and love affairs. I'd rather remain an innocent child who likes to read Nancy Drew than a lover of all things evil.
And for that matter, the book that we exchanged for the second book was not any more deep or thought provoking. It was just as entertaining as the second book. The only difference, in my opinion, was that the first book was rated "R." Unfortunately, many people mistake this to mean it is more mature and adultlike. Is it more "real life?" I guess it depends on who you talk to. Not in this home.
And that's one point in John Holt's book "What Do I Do On Monday?" that I disagreed with. I don't think children should swear in school, or anywhere for that matter. So what if it's what goes on in the real world, or that adults do it. People kill people, lie, steal, cheat. I don't want my kids doing any of those things, so why swear? Personally, I find swearing unnecessary and often redundant. Occasionaly it makes sense when done in anger or in suprise or something...not that it makes it right. But too often it is littered thoughout langauge as if it were the most common letter of the alphabet, and that's absurd to me.
But hey, I'm not exactly what one would call an esteemed literate, so maybe I'm just a hypocrit.
I've been attending monthly book discussions at my local library for about 3 months now. This third month we switched books because the book we chose (without having read or even looked at it other than searching for a book on Amazon.com) was filled with the "F" word and tons of sexual vulgarities. The book we switched to, however, is more like a Nancy Drew mystery of sorts.
Now, I really don't mind WHAT book we read, as long as I can discuss it with other adults! However, I was offended by the book we chose, though I read it anyway (see post below.) But there are some in our book club who were more offended at the "fluffy" mystery because it was not thought provoking. Two of these women are very outspoken (which I don't mind.) However, it's what they are outspoken about that gets to me. They are outspoken against the moral fiber I stand on. And that's something that just plain doesn't go well with me. I know in our world of tolerism that I should just tolerate what everyone else does with a "to each his own." But frankly I take the words of God to heart that say "...Think on THESE things." Phillipians 4:8
So tonight I thought it was reading club. My neighbor did too, and asked me if it was. I told her yes. A half hour later I'm walking over to her house because no one is at the library. So she suggests we walk to one of the ladies' house to ask her. And of course, that lady is one of the outspoken, and my neighbor tends to be as well. (again, if just outspoken, that's fine. But when it goes against the word of God...)
So she tells us the meeting is next weeek, but to come on in. She offers us wine, which I decline. She tells me I'll drink it once the kids are grown, "it's what you do" she says. I don't like being told what I'll do.
We then sit down and she and my neighbor discuss for the next two and a half hours how they can't believe the book we just read. That it's fit only for children. That if people are offended by men who are obsessed with their penises then they can put the book down, but we don't want our group to be just old "blue haired ladies." On and on they went.
I, meanwhile, try to say that I, too, felt a little put off by the pervertedness of the first book. The plot was interesting, yes, but it was a bit much in the way of vulgarity. They just keep plowing in their conversation.
And then the lady starts talking about the librarian in charge of the group, how she's...whatever...and that it all started "when she decided to homeschool her son." Now HERE'S where I got prepared to do battler, wishing I knew all the comebacks and stats you homeschoolers out there already know that I have yet to learn. I didn't want to make us look bad.
So she starts saying how there's two things she found wrong with homeschooling (she never did get to number two, thank goodness.) And ironically she asks me what my hubby thinks because he teaches public school. I told her that school does not have to be involved for a child to go through "certain experiences" that enable him to become a capable adult. Then her daughter jumped in on the conversation and to my relief completely agreed with me on some of the points John Holt makes in his book "How Children Fail." She was going to become a teacher, but after learning how teacher's are supposed to teach, became frustrated that they weren't teaching children to learn, but are teaching them to test well. So she dropped out, to which her one teacher wisely said, "But it's people like you who we need to become teachers, because you care."
Anyway, her mom had to take the conversation back, so she began to talk about the fact that she wanted out club to have books one could discuss and learn something about, or about real life. And I wanted to ask her what "Skinny Dip" had in it that taught us something, or that reflected real life.
Then she pointed out that the librarian wouldn't agree to read "The DaVinci Code" because it went against her religious beliefs. And this lady said that she didn't understand because this librarian lets her kids watch "The Terminator", and when they were younger, "Power Rangers." And she asked, "Isn't that hypocritical?"
To which I thought, Then we must all be hypocrits at some point, whether or not we want to be. I mean, I WANT to live a Godly life. I want to be like Christ, who was perfect. But I can not attain that. I want to put every thought into submission and live evey moment in God's will, and that is what I should want to do.
But I will fail. And even when I don't, I must decide what His will is, based off of the Bible, my prayer times, etc. And perhaps I will think that a certain violent movie is okay. Or a certain humorous book. But something else I don't think is okay because it takes the Lord's name in vain. Or whatever.
And I'll appear to be a hypocrit. At least in her eyes. And she can't be a hypocrit, because she approved of everything. She even said that she doesn't care what her husband does and where he goes (even with women), as long as he doesn't bring something home that he didn't leave without. (To me this would include a sexual relation that he didn't leave home with, but apparently not to her...)
But you know what? The word hypocrit, in Jesus day, literally meant "actor." Hypocrits were the Greek actors who acted out plays in the ampitheater (I can't spell check because it's down, I apoligize for any mistakes.) It is someone who is faking it. He knows he is not what he is pretending to be.
Which is why Jesus called the Pharisees "actors." They were claiming to be perfect...but perfectionists was more like it. They had their rules and regulations, and they kept them. But they were playing their part. They didn't really buy into any of it.
But that's not me. I don't claim to have it all together. I don't claim to get it all right. And I struggle daily with what I should and should not do as a Christian. So when you see something that I do that doesn't add up with something that I don't do, I supposed you could call me a hypocrit in the way that the word is used now days. But I'm not acting. I'm genuinely trying to live a life in accordance with the will of the one who created me. And I know I'm not perfect. And my choices may and will change over time.
But I doubt that, as both of the ladies tonight thought, I will become less conservative as I grow older. I sure hope not. I mean, in a way, I became less judgemental when I had kids. And one might say more "liberal." But I didn't become less conservative. Nothing came make me become that short of a deliberate back turning on God. So I really hope that age doesn't turn me into a loose cannon who doesn't mind swearing and inappropriate nudity and love affairs. I'd rather remain an innocent child who likes to read Nancy Drew than a lover of all things evil.
And for that matter, the book that we exchanged for the second book was not any more deep or thought provoking. It was just as entertaining as the second book. The only difference, in my opinion, was that the first book was rated "R." Unfortunately, many people mistake this to mean it is more mature and adultlike. Is it more "real life?" I guess it depends on who you talk to. Not in this home.
And that's one point in John Holt's book "What Do I Do On Monday?" that I disagreed with. I don't think children should swear in school, or anywhere for that matter. So what if it's what goes on in the real world, or that adults do it. People kill people, lie, steal, cheat. I don't want my kids doing any of those things, so why swear? Personally, I find swearing unnecessary and often redundant. Occasionaly it makes sense when done in anger or in suprise or something...not that it makes it right. But too often it is littered thoughout langauge as if it were the most common letter of the alphabet, and that's absurd to me.
But hey, I'm not exactly what one would call an esteemed literate, so maybe I'm just a hypocrit.
Toddler Toes & Waiting Woes
This week has been an odd one for me. By most standards this week should be considered a good one, in the sense that nothing bad has happened, I've been lazy and yet productive at the same time, and life is good.
Yet this week has been filled with the little things that grow and gather in my mind until I am so full that I can do nothing but escape in my mind to day dreams and contemplations.
Pumpkin has been clingy and "toddleresque" this week. I'm not sure if it's sibling jealousy or just the terrible twos. But her standard high volume demands are getting to me, and I don't understand why she must repeat stuff over and over again. Over and over again. Over and over again. Over and over again. Over and over again. Over and over again. Over and....you get the idea. It doesn't matter if I tell her I'm cooking her supper RIGHT NOW! She'll still yell in a whining voice that's too loud for my sanity, "I want something to eat!" Etc.
And, she's been downright defiant to all requests Boom or I make. Whether we ask nicely for her to share with Rugger, or demand after requesting nicely that she put down the legos and go to brush her teeth, or threaten or even do spank her after we've amptly warned her. Nothing is working. She just says, "No." I reason with her, I tell her how things are. I threaten her with no cookies, with bedtime now, nothing works.
And she's only two and she already has conquered me. The one thing you aren't supposed to let your kids do. They are supposed to know that you are the authority, the one in charge, right? *sigh* I don't know. I hope it goes away and she becomes the compliant one again soon. I really don't know when to worry about these things. Right now it's just an annoyance.
And Rugger has taken his first steps, or at least more than one step in a row! I'm so proud of him! But then comes the issue of it being fall and him needing some form of footwear on his little feet before he romps around outdoors. So I try to put shoes on him. I remember this with Pumpkin, and it's yet another reason I'm not one of those ladies who so kindly recalls the infanthood of her children. Why is it that one-year-olds (or close to it) cannot straighten their feet? Why is it that with much yelling on my part (not wanting to, just getting frustrated to that point...I'm not proud of it) and crying on his part, instead of pushing his feet into the shoe, he tries to pull them out of it! Why is it that when I want to leave in 5 minutes and I'm already behind, it takes 15 minutes to get 2 pairs of shoes on two kids?!? Surely managing a hormonal teenager has to be easier than this!
I know, it won't be. But let me be happy in my delusions that it gets easier. At least then if they go barefoot it will be there choice and any injuries that incur will be an "I told you so" on my part. For now I'm the responsible one if anything happens due to lack of proper footwear.
On a nicer note, last Wednesday when we left church (after dragging a literally kicking and screaming Pumpkin to the car from the beloved playground where I told her she could play a few minutes since, being the nice Mommy I want to be sometimes, I told her she could since she didn't get to during class time) Pumpkin looked up at the moon from her carseat and said, "The moon followed us from the playground!" It was sweet, and if there was more of that, and less of the other stuff that she does, I'd venture to say that I enjoy them when they are this young.
But, on to the other peculiar thing of this week. After ranting about not having a kiln, it looks like I've been given another chance. I'm bidding on a kiln on ebay that is in my parents area, so they could pick it up for me. It looks pretty good in terms of not looking like it's abused or used too much. And I might get it for under $200 which is pretty good, I think. But after bidding the first time (I know, I know. My sister pointed out that I should wait until the last 5 minutes, too. But I'm too eager, darn it!) and thinking I'd get it really cheap, someone later in the day came and bid, and I thought that since this person bids on a lot of stuff, vs. the other bidder who hasn't, that I'd for sure have to battler for this kiln. And so I moped the rest of the day about not getting the kiln I had dreamt all night about the night before...literally, I dreamt of clay and kilns...
So I am holding my breath and watching the clock. By tomorrow morning I'll know if it's mine. Ironically, I've been looking around for a used kiln vent, since new ones usually go for around $400. For about a week I've checked and nothing. Then last night I found that Dick Blick is having a sale on the Orton Master Kiln Vent and it's 40% off! So if I spend less than $200 on the kiln, then I'll both the kiln and the kiln vent for under $500! Which would be so cool!
And then, and I know you'll think this is where I lost it, I felt guilty. Guilty because we don't have money to throw around. Guilty because I was lamenting about not having something so material that I really want. And guilty because I might actually get it. I don't know whether God is teasing me or going to bless me. Because I sure don't deserve it. Even though I feel like I eat breath and dream about sculpting, and that I feel that it's something that I've always wanted to do but never knew about, and even though I feel that this may help alleviate some of my pent-up emotions from being boxed in with little ones day in and day out, and even though I justify it by knowing that I could make homemade gifts and use it for homeschooling, etc. All these things are just feelings. For whatever reason, I feel that I don't deserve to get this, that my dream should remain just that. That it's money better spent elsewhere. That I'm selfish and spoiled, etc.
And yet, don't I have a right to express myself creatively, and if that opportunity comes along where I can do it to the highest degree at a fraction of the price, isn't that a good thing?
I feel like I'm on Dr. Phil and he's asking me why I don't feel I'm worth something good. And I've always felt that way. Like with my family...I'm almost always aware that there is the chance that I may lose them. And it makes me feel all the worse when I screw up and yell at them. I keep thinking that I'm not lucky enough to be able to spend all my days with them, watch my kids grow up, grow old with my soulmate, and enjoy grandchildren. I see all these people on TV or in magazines who thought that they would be fine in life and then BOOM! someone dies. Or gets a horrible disease and is crippled in some way for life, or whatever. And I keep thinking, "When will that be me?" Or will I lose my dad soon, when I have always thought that he'd be around for awhile...other people my age have lost parents in accidents...
Or maybe I'll get to be sort of old. My kids are teenagers, and then I lose them. On the verge of adulthood. Like two teens this year....
And so I always get wary when things go my way. This past year I had a wonderful birth, a nice new (for us) house, Boom is coaching a teaching, and now I may get a kiln and begin a dream of mine....but this means that we are at the top of the roller coaster, ready to descend, and I wonder......into what?
I know that's not how I'm supposed to think, but it's true. You can't stay up forever. And I just wonder...
Yet this week has been filled with the little things that grow and gather in my mind until I am so full that I can do nothing but escape in my mind to day dreams and contemplations.
Pumpkin has been clingy and "toddleresque" this week. I'm not sure if it's sibling jealousy or just the terrible twos. But her standard high volume demands are getting to me, and I don't understand why she must repeat stuff over and over again. Over and over again. Over and over again. Over and over again. Over and over again. Over and over again. Over and....you get the idea. It doesn't matter if I tell her I'm cooking her supper RIGHT NOW! She'll still yell in a whining voice that's too loud for my sanity, "I want something to eat!" Etc.
And, she's been downright defiant to all requests Boom or I make. Whether we ask nicely for her to share with Rugger, or demand after requesting nicely that she put down the legos and go to brush her teeth, or threaten or even do spank her after we've amptly warned her. Nothing is working. She just says, "No." I reason with her, I tell her how things are. I threaten her with no cookies, with bedtime now, nothing works.
And she's only two and she already has conquered me. The one thing you aren't supposed to let your kids do. They are supposed to know that you are the authority, the one in charge, right? *sigh* I don't know. I hope it goes away and she becomes the compliant one again soon. I really don't know when to worry about these things. Right now it's just an annoyance.
And Rugger has taken his first steps, or at least more than one step in a row! I'm so proud of him! But then comes the issue of it being fall and him needing some form of footwear on his little feet before he romps around outdoors. So I try to put shoes on him. I remember this with Pumpkin, and it's yet another reason I'm not one of those ladies who so kindly recalls the infanthood of her children. Why is it that one-year-olds (or close to it) cannot straighten their feet? Why is it that with much yelling on my part (not wanting to, just getting frustrated to that point...I'm not proud of it) and crying on his part, instead of pushing his feet into the shoe, he tries to pull them out of it! Why is it that when I want to leave in 5 minutes and I'm already behind, it takes 15 minutes to get 2 pairs of shoes on two kids?!? Surely managing a hormonal teenager has to be easier than this!
I know, it won't be. But let me be happy in my delusions that it gets easier. At least then if they go barefoot it will be there choice and any injuries that incur will be an "I told you so" on my part. For now I'm the responsible one if anything happens due to lack of proper footwear.
On a nicer note, last Wednesday when we left church (after dragging a literally kicking and screaming Pumpkin to the car from the beloved playground where I told her she could play a few minutes since, being the nice Mommy I want to be sometimes, I told her she could since she didn't get to during class time) Pumpkin looked up at the moon from her carseat and said, "The moon followed us from the playground!" It was sweet, and if there was more of that, and less of the other stuff that she does, I'd venture to say that I enjoy them when they are this young.
But, on to the other peculiar thing of this week. After ranting about not having a kiln, it looks like I've been given another chance. I'm bidding on a kiln on ebay that is in my parents area, so they could pick it up for me. It looks pretty good in terms of not looking like it's abused or used too much. And I might get it for under $200 which is pretty good, I think. But after bidding the first time (I know, I know. My sister pointed out that I should wait until the last 5 minutes, too. But I'm too eager, darn it!) and thinking I'd get it really cheap, someone later in the day came and bid, and I thought that since this person bids on a lot of stuff, vs. the other bidder who hasn't, that I'd for sure have to battler for this kiln. And so I moped the rest of the day about not getting the kiln I had dreamt all night about the night before...literally, I dreamt of clay and kilns...
So I am holding my breath and watching the clock. By tomorrow morning I'll know if it's mine. Ironically, I've been looking around for a used kiln vent, since new ones usually go for around $400. For about a week I've checked and nothing. Then last night I found that Dick Blick is having a sale on the Orton Master Kiln Vent and it's 40% off! So if I spend less than $200 on the kiln, then I'll both the kiln and the kiln vent for under $500! Which would be so cool!
And then, and I know you'll think this is where I lost it, I felt guilty. Guilty because we don't have money to throw around. Guilty because I was lamenting about not having something so material that I really want. And guilty because I might actually get it. I don't know whether God is teasing me or going to bless me. Because I sure don't deserve it. Even though I feel like I eat breath and dream about sculpting, and that I feel that it's something that I've always wanted to do but never knew about, and even though I feel that this may help alleviate some of my pent-up emotions from being boxed in with little ones day in and day out, and even though I justify it by knowing that I could make homemade gifts and use it for homeschooling, etc. All these things are just feelings. For whatever reason, I feel that I don't deserve to get this, that my dream should remain just that. That it's money better spent elsewhere. That I'm selfish and spoiled, etc.
And yet, don't I have a right to express myself creatively, and if that opportunity comes along where I can do it to the highest degree at a fraction of the price, isn't that a good thing?
I feel like I'm on Dr. Phil and he's asking me why I don't feel I'm worth something good. And I've always felt that way. Like with my family...I'm almost always aware that there is the chance that I may lose them. And it makes me feel all the worse when I screw up and yell at them. I keep thinking that I'm not lucky enough to be able to spend all my days with them, watch my kids grow up, grow old with my soulmate, and enjoy grandchildren. I see all these people on TV or in magazines who thought that they would be fine in life and then BOOM! someone dies. Or gets a horrible disease and is crippled in some way for life, or whatever. And I keep thinking, "When will that be me?" Or will I lose my dad soon, when I have always thought that he'd be around for awhile...other people my age have lost parents in accidents...
Or maybe I'll get to be sort of old. My kids are teenagers, and then I lose them. On the verge of adulthood. Like two teens this year....
And so I always get wary when things go my way. This past year I had a wonderful birth, a nice new (for us) house, Boom is coaching a teaching, and now I may get a kiln and begin a dream of mine....but this means that we are at the top of the roller coaster, ready to descend, and I wonder......into what?
I know that's not how I'm supposed to think, but it's true. You can't stay up forever. And I just wonder...
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Why can't I be a sheep, too?
My hubby once said he wanted a hat that said something to the effect of "I'm not a sheep," or something like that. He said he hated people that just went along with the crowd, like a bunch of dumb sheep. That's why we're a good match, he and I. We both tend to go against the norm, or at least question the norm before we jump in and join.
But sometimes...sometimes I get tired of pushing past all the white fluffy sheep next to me to find my own way. And ironically, the choices I make are of course choices other sheep have made before me, so I am one of the sheep, just not the majority of them. No, the majority go along looking for the next green pasture or water hole, blindly following the sheep ahead of them. Sometimes there's a shepherd, sometimes not. But the sheep don't really care. In fact, that's what I envy; their care free lifestyle.
Not me, though. No, I check out all the local sources for the best green pasture...maybe one with a different strain of grass. And no normal water hole for me...no sir-ee. I'd like to see if a natural spring is nearby, perhaps.
And of course, sometimes I settle for the same old stuff all the other sheep have. Whether it's because I'm lazy, or I think it is the best option, or I can't decide, but a million other sheep can't be all that wrong, so I might as well join them on this one.
And I'm not even sure where I got this tendency to go against the norm. I have always so wanted to fit in...but yet I never compromised (or at least rarely, I'm only human) my beliefs to fit in...not just religious beliefs, but my personal beliefs about who I am. Like curly hair and straightening it. I won't do it...not ever. It's who I am, for better or worse. If you don't like it...then you don't appreciate variety, I guess.
Anyway, sometimes I ask myself why in the world do I go to such lengths to do things differently than everyone else? Why is it I have to find a way to do things that's never been done before? Especially since I so depend on someone or something telling me what to do. And that's the irony of it. I like commands. I like being told how to do something the right way, so I have the satisfaction of knowing I did it right. But here I am, pushing the envelope against all I've ever known...and for what?
Why do I ask questions that other people don't even know exist? For example: Last night I asked the youth pastor's wife what style of homeschooling she's doing. She gave me a blank look and said that no one had asked her that before. She didn't know there were such things as homeschooling styles. She knew how her parents had homeschooled, and went from there. She's using curriculum and mixing it up a bit.
And I envied her. I envied her lack of knowledge....the whole ignorance is bliss thing. I mean, she didn't feel guilty or perplexed about her decision of teaching tools for her children. She didn't wonder if there was something better out there that she was missing. She didn't pine over whether her kids would be getting the best education possible, or if she would have to change ideas in a few years. She just made her decision and is fine with it.
Why can't I do that? Why couldn't I just go to the hospital and give birth the way most Americans do? Why did I fight to find a midwife in my area, and with my second child walk the corridors of the hospital with a newborn in my arms looking for a doctor to sign a paper saying I had my child at home so that I could get a birth certificate since my midwife was not certified? Why do I nurse every 2 hours at night with my 11 month old instead of letting him cry it out in a weekend? Why do I research for hours about the choices I have made and have yet to make? And more importantly, why doesn't everybody else?
I do it because I have this idea of good, better, best. And it's that same standard that kills me in the end. Because if I don't find the best, if I fail at what the highest standard is, then I didn't achieve my goal. Because someday when God looks at what He gave me, and He see that there was a better way that I didn't see, then I fail.
And I know that's not the truth. I know God isn't like that. But it's how I feel. It's what drives me to my endless searching in perfection. I fail everyday. I yell at my kids. I push them off of me when they are climbing all day. I scream in frustration when my toddler just isn't "getting it." I fail everyday. And so I want to at least make sure I'm getting it right in the long run. That I'm doing everything in my power to make sure my kids have the best of me and what I can give them.
And that's why I do what I do. I know I'm not perfect. And truth be told, there are millions of fine kids out there who's parents did everything opposite that I'm doing. Heck, my sister's kids eventually may some of them. But at least I looked at every option available to see if something out there wasn't better than the way I knew. And if there was, at least I tried it.
But sometimes....I just wish I could be a dumb sheep.
But sometimes...sometimes I get tired of pushing past all the white fluffy sheep next to me to find my own way. And ironically, the choices I make are of course choices other sheep have made before me, so I am one of the sheep, just not the majority of them. No, the majority go along looking for the next green pasture or water hole, blindly following the sheep ahead of them. Sometimes there's a shepherd, sometimes not. But the sheep don't really care. In fact, that's what I envy; their care free lifestyle.
Not me, though. No, I check out all the local sources for the best green pasture...maybe one with a different strain of grass. And no normal water hole for me...no sir-ee. I'd like to see if a natural spring is nearby, perhaps.
And of course, sometimes I settle for the same old stuff all the other sheep have. Whether it's because I'm lazy, or I think it is the best option, or I can't decide, but a million other sheep can't be all that wrong, so I might as well join them on this one.
And I'm not even sure where I got this tendency to go against the norm. I have always so wanted to fit in...but yet I never compromised (or at least rarely, I'm only human) my beliefs to fit in...not just religious beliefs, but my personal beliefs about who I am. Like curly hair and straightening it. I won't do it...not ever. It's who I am, for better or worse. If you don't like it...then you don't appreciate variety, I guess.
Anyway, sometimes I ask myself why in the world do I go to such lengths to do things differently than everyone else? Why is it I have to find a way to do things that's never been done before? Especially since I so depend on someone or something telling me what to do. And that's the irony of it. I like commands. I like being told how to do something the right way, so I have the satisfaction of knowing I did it right. But here I am, pushing the envelope against all I've ever known...and for what?
Why do I ask questions that other people don't even know exist? For example: Last night I asked the youth pastor's wife what style of homeschooling she's doing. She gave me a blank look and said that no one had asked her that before. She didn't know there were such things as homeschooling styles. She knew how her parents had homeschooled, and went from there. She's using curriculum and mixing it up a bit.
And I envied her. I envied her lack of knowledge....the whole ignorance is bliss thing. I mean, she didn't feel guilty or perplexed about her decision of teaching tools for her children. She didn't wonder if there was something better out there that she was missing. She didn't pine over whether her kids would be getting the best education possible, or if she would have to change ideas in a few years. She just made her decision and is fine with it.
Why can't I do that? Why couldn't I just go to the hospital and give birth the way most Americans do? Why did I fight to find a midwife in my area, and with my second child walk the corridors of the hospital with a newborn in my arms looking for a doctor to sign a paper saying I had my child at home so that I could get a birth certificate since my midwife was not certified? Why do I nurse every 2 hours at night with my 11 month old instead of letting him cry it out in a weekend? Why do I research for hours about the choices I have made and have yet to make? And more importantly, why doesn't everybody else?
I do it because I have this idea of good, better, best. And it's that same standard that kills me in the end. Because if I don't find the best, if I fail at what the highest standard is, then I didn't achieve my goal. Because someday when God looks at what He gave me, and He see that there was a better way that I didn't see, then I fail.
And I know that's not the truth. I know God isn't like that. But it's how I feel. It's what drives me to my endless searching in perfection. I fail everyday. I yell at my kids. I push them off of me when they are climbing all day. I scream in frustration when my toddler just isn't "getting it." I fail everyday. And so I want to at least make sure I'm getting it right in the long run. That I'm doing everything in my power to make sure my kids have the best of me and what I can give them.
And that's why I do what I do. I know I'm not perfect. And truth be told, there are millions of fine kids out there who's parents did everything opposite that I'm doing. Heck, my sister's kids eventually may some of them. But at least I looked at every option available to see if something out there wasn't better than the way I knew. And if there was, at least I tried it.
But sometimes....I just wish I could be a dumb sheep.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
Down in the Dumps
I must be one of the most selfish people on this planet...or maybe I'm just human, I don't know.
I got this brilliant idea to look closer at the kiln section of the clay catalogues I requested, and picked out the kind I want. Then I looked on ebay to see if anything was available. It was...but all in the wrong places and they were not shippable, just "local pick up only." So I found one that was not bid on yet, but it looked like the tech school it came from abused it. So I called the manufacturers and they quoted what it would take to just replace the completely cracked lid, and by the time I added it all up, I might as well go for the new one.
I called my friend lady who knows the lady who might be willing to part with one of her smaller kilns. I still haven't heard, and she said she'd give her my number, so we'll see. But I'm thinking it's no, there, too since she doesn't seem too anxious to get ahold of me.
And the thing is, the almost $2,000 for the cheaper kiln that I'd go for isn't even the end of it. There's another $500 for a kiln vent which is a necessity for taking away toxic fumes and for bringing in oxygen into the firing for the best colors. And then there's kiln furniture, and cones, and the correct wiring so I don't burn down the place.
Not to mention that I've never touched a kiln in my entire life, and that classes are too expensive and there's no workshops in my area, and that I feel like I'm not even chasing a dream but that I'm just plain stupid.
Either I've found my "calling" (or at least my talent, though I can't tell for sure since I haven't even tried it yet!!!) too late in life, or by the time I get enough money to see it realized, it will be too late to be of "therapeutic value" to me.
Which brings me to today. This whole week I've been pouring over the internet finding nothing that I want and everything that I can't have, and I'm tired of it. Top that off with kids who care nothing about my creative desires, or at least not yet since they can't comprehend much beyond their combined 3 years of life, and I'm going nuts again.
Give me a friend (who has hours to talk to me), give me a kiln, or give me something that I can do that will give me a break worth something....Sure I could go on a walk. Then I come home. I could work out, but then I'd need a new pair of jeans. I could write, but I never find the right words due to my lack of vocabulary. I actually enjoyed the Sculpey until the last project which crumbled to pieces. And I'd try some more, lengthening the cooking time, but truth is, I get tired of using armatures for sculpting. I can't truly sculpt around something...but Sculpey slumps in the oven if you don't support it properly...something REAL clay won't do. I could actually sculpt anything with real clay, and put it into the kiln the same way it comes out...no super glue needed to piece it together, just some slip before it dries and goes into the kiln.
*sigh*
And I know none of this matters in the "big picture." I have a great family, healthy and happy. I have a nice home, food on my table. Why should I want soooo bad something I don't need?
And I do blame TV some. It's my fault I watch it. You would think everyone and their brother (or sister) owns a kiln by watching Crafters Coast to Coast. And I know that obviously they find people who craft a lot, but still. There are ceramic kilns, glass kilns, etc. in the homes of many of those people. And I just want to know how they did it. Did they wait for years, save up? Go into debt? Some of these people have hundreds of dollars in paper supplies for scrapbooking, etc. It's unbelievable.
I think that people in general must have been happier before advertising came into being. I mean, here is a house wife with a farmer for a husband. They both work hard, do with what they have. Then she sees a commercial for a kitchen gadget and the clean, smiling house wife who obviously enjoys her duties more than she, and then comes the husband dressed in clean slacks and a tie, and this woman wonders why her hubby can't dress up more often. Never mind that this didn't bother her yesterday. She didn't know yesterday that one could look so good if one had that particular kitchen gadget, and she didn't know that other husbands dressed so nice at home.
And that's how I feel. I was fine until I knew. Like Eve with the apple, I want to take a bite! And it's getting to me! I don't blame her a bit. I'm not good at saying no to temptation. I'm not a patient person. And perhaps both indicate my lack of consistency with meeting with my Master Potter.
I should start there...looking up those verses about how God will test us in the fire...similar I suppose to the way a potter puts his pots into the fire...I will have to think on this.
But for now, Boom is finally home and supper is about half an hour late (I don't usually make it ahead of time, now I know why ;) ) and I must go.
I got this brilliant idea to look closer at the kiln section of the clay catalogues I requested, and picked out the kind I want. Then I looked on ebay to see if anything was available. It was...but all in the wrong places and they were not shippable, just "local pick up only." So I found one that was not bid on yet, but it looked like the tech school it came from abused it. So I called the manufacturers and they quoted what it would take to just replace the completely cracked lid, and by the time I added it all up, I might as well go for the new one.
I called my friend lady who knows the lady who might be willing to part with one of her smaller kilns. I still haven't heard, and she said she'd give her my number, so we'll see. But I'm thinking it's no, there, too since she doesn't seem too anxious to get ahold of me.
And the thing is, the almost $2,000 for the cheaper kiln that I'd go for isn't even the end of it. There's another $500 for a kiln vent which is a necessity for taking away toxic fumes and for bringing in oxygen into the firing for the best colors. And then there's kiln furniture, and cones, and the correct wiring so I don't burn down the place.
Not to mention that I've never touched a kiln in my entire life, and that classes are too expensive and there's no workshops in my area, and that I feel like I'm not even chasing a dream but that I'm just plain stupid.
Either I've found my "calling" (or at least my talent, though I can't tell for sure since I haven't even tried it yet!!!) too late in life, or by the time I get enough money to see it realized, it will be too late to be of "therapeutic value" to me.
Which brings me to today. This whole week I've been pouring over the internet finding nothing that I want and everything that I can't have, and I'm tired of it. Top that off with kids who care nothing about my creative desires, or at least not yet since they can't comprehend much beyond their combined 3 years of life, and I'm going nuts again.
Give me a friend (who has hours to talk to me), give me a kiln, or give me something that I can do that will give me a break worth something....Sure I could go on a walk. Then I come home. I could work out, but then I'd need a new pair of jeans. I could write, but I never find the right words due to my lack of vocabulary. I actually enjoyed the Sculpey until the last project which crumbled to pieces. And I'd try some more, lengthening the cooking time, but truth is, I get tired of using armatures for sculpting. I can't truly sculpt around something...but Sculpey slumps in the oven if you don't support it properly...something REAL clay won't do. I could actually sculpt anything with real clay, and put it into the kiln the same way it comes out...no super glue needed to piece it together, just some slip before it dries and goes into the kiln.
*sigh*
And I know none of this matters in the "big picture." I have a great family, healthy and happy. I have a nice home, food on my table. Why should I want soooo bad something I don't need?
And I do blame TV some. It's my fault I watch it. You would think everyone and their brother (or sister) owns a kiln by watching Crafters Coast to Coast. And I know that obviously they find people who craft a lot, but still. There are ceramic kilns, glass kilns, etc. in the homes of many of those people. And I just want to know how they did it. Did they wait for years, save up? Go into debt? Some of these people have hundreds of dollars in paper supplies for scrapbooking, etc. It's unbelievable.
I think that people in general must have been happier before advertising came into being. I mean, here is a house wife with a farmer for a husband. They both work hard, do with what they have. Then she sees a commercial for a kitchen gadget and the clean, smiling house wife who obviously enjoys her duties more than she, and then comes the husband dressed in clean slacks and a tie, and this woman wonders why her hubby can't dress up more often. Never mind that this didn't bother her yesterday. She didn't know yesterday that one could look so good if one had that particular kitchen gadget, and she didn't know that other husbands dressed so nice at home.
And that's how I feel. I was fine until I knew. Like Eve with the apple, I want to take a bite! And it's getting to me! I don't blame her a bit. I'm not good at saying no to temptation. I'm not a patient person. And perhaps both indicate my lack of consistency with meeting with my Master Potter.
I should start there...looking up those verses about how God will test us in the fire...similar I suppose to the way a potter puts his pots into the fire...I will have to think on this.
But for now, Boom is finally home and supper is about half an hour late (I don't usually make it ahead of time, now I know why ;) ) and I must go.
Monday, August 15, 2005
Not Just Another Monday
Today started out normal enough, except that it's the first day of Crash Week for Ike Football, so Boom was gone all day until about 5, and I so missed him. When we used to work together when we were first married, people didn't understand how we could stand to be together 24/7, but we have never wanted otherwise. He's my other half, through and through. It's just not complete without him here.
But, that's the way it is during the fall. And it's better than him being away at war or something. At least he can come home still...
Then at 2:00 I got a call from my mom from the hospital where she was at with my sister. I feared the worst: that she had lost little Ethan Thomas. But she hadn't. She had gone in with what she thought were contractions, but they were just Braxton Hicks (crevix was long and hard as should be.)
However, when they did the ultrasound on the baby, they discovered a massive tumor in his chest. It was not there a month ago when they had the routine ultrasound, and the doctor was concerned enough to get an amniocentesis done to rule out genetic problems, and in case she had to go in for intra-uterine sugery.
I guess she'll go in twice a week from now on to check on the progress of the tumor. Worst case it will grow and she'll go to Philly for sugery. Middle case it will stay the same but baby will grow and get surgery after being born C-section. Best case tumor shrinks and baby is born vaginally and if stable gets sugery later.
Right now his one lung is smaller than the other because the tumor is robbing the blood from the heart before it reaches that lung.
But at least it's not life and death at this point. I believe God gave her the contractions to go to the hospital, so Ethan can get help if needed. I pray that it will not be needed.
But at least I feel better knowing that hopefully he will be okay. I was so afraid.....
But, that's the way it is during the fall. And it's better than him being away at war or something. At least he can come home still...
Then at 2:00 I got a call from my mom from the hospital where she was at with my sister. I feared the worst: that she had lost little Ethan Thomas. But she hadn't. She had gone in with what she thought were contractions, but they were just Braxton Hicks (crevix was long and hard as should be.)
However, when they did the ultrasound on the baby, they discovered a massive tumor in his chest. It was not there a month ago when they had the routine ultrasound, and the doctor was concerned enough to get an amniocentesis done to rule out genetic problems, and in case she had to go in for intra-uterine sugery.
I guess she'll go in twice a week from now on to check on the progress of the tumor. Worst case it will grow and she'll go to Philly for sugery. Middle case it will stay the same but baby will grow and get surgery after being born C-section. Best case tumor shrinks and baby is born vaginally and if stable gets sugery later.
Right now his one lung is smaller than the other because the tumor is robbing the blood from the heart before it reaches that lung.
But at least it's not life and death at this point. I believe God gave her the contractions to go to the hospital, so Ethan can get help if needed. I pray that it will not be needed.
But at least I feel better knowing that hopefully he will be okay. I was so afraid.....
Sunday, August 14, 2005
Decisions, Convictions, and a Good Movie
Well, I decided to start looking at homeschool choices after talking to the three families briefly at church. But I felt like I was in over my head. So many choices, so many websites, and no way to physically "flip through" it all here in my own living room. I used to love the Internet and all it's offerings. I used to love sitting at the computer. But not anymore. I'm not up to date, I don't want to be, and I get tired of all the un-needed extra stimulation of ads and nonsense links that just keep me from my real goal, whatever it may be.
I got a couple leads from a friend and I really like the sound of the Charlotte Mason style, but I think it may be a bit too heavy on the reading (which is something I really like, don't get me wrong; I love reading) and a little less on the hands-on that I really want to go for. I also like the idea of unschooling, but feel a little more structure may be what I'm comfortable with. So if I can find and inbetween, if it exists, then that's what I want. I want an Eclectic style, according to the definition. A little of this, and a little of that.
But I want, ironically, to be able to follow something in writing vs. just looking stuff up on the net, for the reasons mentioned above. I personally need something tactile to flip through, and I'm more confident with a real book than an e-book.
So I don't know if what I want even exists out there.
Tonight Boom had a small cook-out for the coaches and near the end my doula and good friend (who also sells antiques) came over while her daughter visited a friend at the playground. So we jaunted on over to my neighbor who is a good friend of hers (the one who makes me feel down when I talk to her, though not purposely.) I enjoyed talking to my friend, and we may go on a shopping trip to Bemus Point to window shop or real shop, which I've been wanting to do for awhile now, but just haven't got the nerve to do by myself with the kids. It's only about a half hour's drive away, and it goes over the bridge that goes over Chautauqua Lake, which I've always wanted to drive over since moving here. So I hope we go.
Anyway, while at my neighbors, we discussed discussing books and reading books in general, and my neighbor mentioned that she can't always read novels because she finds that she doesn't read her Bible as much when she has a good book she can't put down. This cut right through me because I haven't read the Bible in a very long time, and it bothers me, and I use excuses, the main one being that it doesn't seem to have anything to say to me right now, in my situation, etc. I try a few days in a row, and I don't get anything. So I figure either there's something I'm doing wrong and God isn't speaking to me, or I just can't figure out how to listen to Him correctly. Either way, I get discouraged and give up.
But her statement made me realize that if I have time for all the reading I've been doing, I really should try harder to get into God's Word. Maybe this homeschooling thing will be clarified if I get closer to God. But see, there I go second guessing because I don't want to read just so that I get my answer to prayer....*sigh*
And Wednesday before Bible School I dropped off a book at the library and picked up a couple of movies we hadn't seen yet: The Bourne Supremacy and Big Fish. The Bourne Supremacy was great, of course. We liked the first movie and this one was just as good. But we were surprised by Big Fish. When we saw the previews on TV, we thought it looked strange, and neither of us are fans of Tim Burton, and I only picked the movie because there weren't any others there that we hadn't seen. But it turned out that we both really loved the movie, crying many times throughout. I want to own it someday now. I really, really liked it.
I got a couple leads from a friend and I really like the sound of the Charlotte Mason style, but I think it may be a bit too heavy on the reading (which is something I really like, don't get me wrong; I love reading) and a little less on the hands-on that I really want to go for. I also like the idea of unschooling, but feel a little more structure may be what I'm comfortable with. So if I can find and inbetween, if it exists, then that's what I want. I want an Eclectic style, according to the definition. A little of this, and a little of that.
But I want, ironically, to be able to follow something in writing vs. just looking stuff up on the net, for the reasons mentioned above. I personally need something tactile to flip through, and I'm more confident with a real book than an e-book.
So I don't know if what I want even exists out there.
Tonight Boom had a small cook-out for the coaches and near the end my doula and good friend (who also sells antiques) came over while her daughter visited a friend at the playground. So we jaunted on over to my neighbor who is a good friend of hers (the one who makes me feel down when I talk to her, though not purposely.) I enjoyed talking to my friend, and we may go on a shopping trip to Bemus Point to window shop or real shop, which I've been wanting to do for awhile now, but just haven't got the nerve to do by myself with the kids. It's only about a half hour's drive away, and it goes over the bridge that goes over Chautauqua Lake, which I've always wanted to drive over since moving here. So I hope we go.
Anyway, while at my neighbors, we discussed discussing books and reading books in general, and my neighbor mentioned that she can't always read novels because she finds that she doesn't read her Bible as much when she has a good book she can't put down. This cut right through me because I haven't read the Bible in a very long time, and it bothers me, and I use excuses, the main one being that it doesn't seem to have anything to say to me right now, in my situation, etc. I try a few days in a row, and I don't get anything. So I figure either there's something I'm doing wrong and God isn't speaking to me, or I just can't figure out how to listen to Him correctly. Either way, I get discouraged and give up.
But her statement made me realize that if I have time for all the reading I've been doing, I really should try harder to get into God's Word. Maybe this homeschooling thing will be clarified if I get closer to God. But see, there I go second guessing because I don't want to read just so that I get my answer to prayer....*sigh*
And Wednesday before Bible School I dropped off a book at the library and picked up a couple of movies we hadn't seen yet: The Bourne Supremacy and Big Fish. The Bourne Supremacy was great, of course. We liked the first movie and this one was just as good. But we were surprised by Big Fish. When we saw the previews on TV, we thought it looked strange, and neither of us are fans of Tim Burton, and I only picked the movie because there weren't any others there that we hadn't seen. But it turned out that we both really loved the movie, crying many times throughout. I want to own it someday now. I really, really liked it.
Saturday, August 13, 2005
Pranks & Parties
Last night it did not rain. It was hot, but the rain, which was mild, came earlier in the afternoon and was well past by the time the party, of sorts, began. We started in the sanctuary with all the classes singing one song each, including the pre-schoolers who sang "If You're Happy & You Know It." Pumpkin actually went up on her own and stood with the others, though she didn't sing or do the actions. Pretty much just took it all in. But I was proud that she went up at all. She has moved so far from just a few months ago when she would close her eyes at anyone not extremely familiar to her.
The corn was good, and the maze was a little wooden thing covered by a tarp that I had another girl take Pumpkin through. My in-laws couldn't make it, so it was just our family. I chose a seat near another family that I'd like to get to know. If we can actually get together more often, I think we could be great friends. The husband/father of the family was even playing a little with Pumpkin while Boom went to get us the corn (it was being roasted in spurts; they were having trouble with something.) And I asked the mom/wife if she was planning on homeschooling her son, also, since her sister-in-law (the youth pastor's wife) was, and I knew that didn't mean she was, but I thought I'd ask. And I'm glad I did. She's planning on homeschooling, also. She had also been going back and forth about it, but had made up her mind recently, as have I. So now I know three families in our church who are homeschooling. And she mentioned the fact that I was already realizing: many, many families in this particular area are homeschooling.
And I began to think that maybe God did have a plan for me in this area, and not just for Boom. I have thought about the fact that not one person has said anything to me about nursing in public. Instead, usually the opposite, saying "I remember nursing mine..." or "we've all nursed, honey, no one will wink an eye at you." (this at both church and the school parents I've met.) Most people seem okay with me sleeping with my kids, non-plussed about my homebirths (interested, usually), and now I have the hope that even homeschooling will be mostly accepted.
As I nursed Rugger last night about 2 hours after he went to bed (if I stay up late I am wide awake by his second nursing of the night and usually think about things) I laid there looking at him, still searching for my breast in the dark at a year old, then afterwards, content and secure, flopping onto his back and flinging his chubby arms up above his head, his mouth closed tight in the way that only comes from having just nursed....and I know that this is the moment I'll miss in a year, or two, or forever.
I miss when Pumpkin was about a year old. There's just something about that magic age that makes them the perfect size and cuteness. They aren't the frail newborn, they aren't the strong-minded toddler, they're the cute little cuddler who fits perfectly in your lap. And their face at this age is like no other. In between the baby and the child...
On a whole other note, much less happy, Boom had bad news today. He went to the school to pick some stuff up, and someone had drove their car onto the muddy field again yesterday, doing donuts and destroying the grass, what little of it there was, and leaving behind metal, nails, glass, etc. The police, if you can call them that, did little by way of investigating, and they probably won't even try very hard to discover who it is. About a month ago, same thing happened, and someone also did it to the soccer field. The thing is, our field is the only one in the county that doesn't have the gate shut, so cars can drive in anytime like that. Boom wasn't happy, to say the least. This poses a definite hazard to the boys' health, as if the field wasn't already bad with it's potholes and other faults from being neglected over the years.
However, Boom finally got told his exact budget amount, and it's about double what he first thought. Which means that for the past three years, between him and the previous coach, about $12,000 have gone un-used for the football team, which needed it but was never told it was available, and went instead to other sports. As the athletic director basically stated, "We rob Paul to feed Peter around here..."
So at least he knows he can purchase more stuff since he was short the last two years. If only he had known when he first ordered the stuff...
It is raining now, but pleasantly. I used to get depressed when it rained, but since moving here, I've enjoyed the showers and even the storms, and they are calming to me, now, too, as they have always been to Boom. I think I feel more secure here in the house vs. the trailer on the windy hill.
Well, Rugger just got a cut sure to leave a scar, from knocking the books off the bookshelf, a pastime that was also a favorites of his sister at that age. One must of knicked him, because it's rather a nice little cut, right about the eye. But now, after nursing, and with some Neosporin and a Major League Baseball band-aid (gotten from the while elephant auction in Indiana) he seems okay.
And today, I feel just plain lazy, for no reason at all. I finished my reading club book (the new one.) And that's all I've done today. Oh, well. Some days are like that, I suppose.
The corn was good, and the maze was a little wooden thing covered by a tarp that I had another girl take Pumpkin through. My in-laws couldn't make it, so it was just our family. I chose a seat near another family that I'd like to get to know. If we can actually get together more often, I think we could be great friends. The husband/father of the family was even playing a little with Pumpkin while Boom went to get us the corn (it was being roasted in spurts; they were having trouble with something.) And I asked the mom/wife if she was planning on homeschooling her son, also, since her sister-in-law (the youth pastor's wife) was, and I knew that didn't mean she was, but I thought I'd ask. And I'm glad I did. She's planning on homeschooling, also. She had also been going back and forth about it, but had made up her mind recently, as have I. So now I know three families in our church who are homeschooling. And she mentioned the fact that I was already realizing: many, many families in this particular area are homeschooling.
And I began to think that maybe God did have a plan for me in this area, and not just for Boom. I have thought about the fact that not one person has said anything to me about nursing in public. Instead, usually the opposite, saying "I remember nursing mine..." or "we've all nursed, honey, no one will wink an eye at you." (this at both church and the school parents I've met.) Most people seem okay with me sleeping with my kids, non-plussed about my homebirths (interested, usually), and now I have the hope that even homeschooling will be mostly accepted.
As I nursed Rugger last night about 2 hours after he went to bed (if I stay up late I am wide awake by his second nursing of the night and usually think about things) I laid there looking at him, still searching for my breast in the dark at a year old, then afterwards, content and secure, flopping onto his back and flinging his chubby arms up above his head, his mouth closed tight in the way that only comes from having just nursed....and I know that this is the moment I'll miss in a year, or two, or forever.
I miss when Pumpkin was about a year old. There's just something about that magic age that makes them the perfect size and cuteness. They aren't the frail newborn, they aren't the strong-minded toddler, they're the cute little cuddler who fits perfectly in your lap. And their face at this age is like no other. In between the baby and the child...
On a whole other note, much less happy, Boom had bad news today. He went to the school to pick some stuff up, and someone had drove their car onto the muddy field again yesterday, doing donuts and destroying the grass, what little of it there was, and leaving behind metal, nails, glass, etc. The police, if you can call them that, did little by way of investigating, and they probably won't even try very hard to discover who it is. About a month ago, same thing happened, and someone also did it to the soccer field. The thing is, our field is the only one in the county that doesn't have the gate shut, so cars can drive in anytime like that. Boom wasn't happy, to say the least. This poses a definite hazard to the boys' health, as if the field wasn't already bad with it's potholes and other faults from being neglected over the years.
However, Boom finally got told his exact budget amount, and it's about double what he first thought. Which means that for the past three years, between him and the previous coach, about $12,000 have gone un-used for the football team, which needed it but was never told it was available, and went instead to other sports. As the athletic director basically stated, "We rob Paul to feed Peter around here..."
So at least he knows he can purchase more stuff since he was short the last two years. If only he had known when he first ordered the stuff...
It is raining now, but pleasantly. I used to get depressed when it rained, but since moving here, I've enjoyed the showers and even the storms, and they are calming to me, now, too, as they have always been to Boom. I think I feel more secure here in the house vs. the trailer on the windy hill.
Well, Rugger just got a cut sure to leave a scar, from knocking the books off the bookshelf, a pastime that was also a favorites of his sister at that age. One must of knicked him, because it's rather a nice little cut, right about the eye. But now, after nursing, and with some Neosporin and a Major League Baseball band-aid (gotten from the while elephant auction in Indiana) he seems okay.
And today, I feel just plain lazy, for no reason at all. I finished my reading club book (the new one.) And that's all I've done today. Oh, well. Some days are like that, I suppose.
Friday, August 12, 2005
Walk in the Water
Yesterday I went with my mom and the kids to a small creek out behind the ballfield in our backyard/elementary school. At first Pumpkin wouldn't even touch the water. But when she saw me wade in the 3 in. deep clear water, and Rugger shortly thereafter, she couldn't be stopped. By the end she had wet shorts from stooping down to look at the "guppies" (a.k.a. minnows.)
The funny thing is that just minutes before we had been playing on the playground, and the slides were wet from rain the night before. So I keep going down the slides to dry them off, which of course soaked my shorts. Pumpkin, the ever worried one, kept asking me, "Mommy, are you wet?" Because of course, she wasn't going down the slides and getting wet.
So as we walked back from the creek, my daughter and I, her in my arms with a damp bum and me with a lighter heart for having had the fun in the creek, she simply says to me, "Mommy, are you wet?" "Yep. Are you wet?" And she simply says back to me, without any remorse or other tell-tale feelings, "yes." And I just smiled and gave her a squeeze.
**************************
People at church keep commenting on my short, short hair. Apparently they think it's cute. But I don't really like it this short. Not that I liked it very long anymore, either. So I don't know what to think. I've just never liked short hair on women, but in me particular. It brings back memories of my second grade picture....afro like and ugly. And I feel less feminine. The only thing I like is the lack of itchy curls on my neck in the humid heat as I try to sleep. Oh, well.
I hope the rain comes sooner than later and passes over. Tonight at VBS we are suppose to have a big party, with hot dogs, a corn roast, and a maze for the kids (I don't know out of what...but I can't wait to see it...I love real mazes, and plan on going to a corn maze this year... I've been wanting to for at least 4 years now....)
Anyway, the forecast calls for showers, thunderstorms in the late afternoon and evening. The events tonight start at 6:45 and last until 8:45. We're praying it doesn't rain during that time....
On the other hand, the rain in general is needed, but just not during that time....
The funny thing is that just minutes before we had been playing on the playground, and the slides were wet from rain the night before. So I keep going down the slides to dry them off, which of course soaked my shorts. Pumpkin, the ever worried one, kept asking me, "Mommy, are you wet?" Because of course, she wasn't going down the slides and getting wet.
So as we walked back from the creek, my daughter and I, her in my arms with a damp bum and me with a lighter heart for having had the fun in the creek, she simply says to me, "Mommy, are you wet?" "Yep. Are you wet?" And she simply says back to me, without any remorse or other tell-tale feelings, "yes." And I just smiled and gave her a squeeze.
People at church keep commenting on my short, short hair. Apparently they think it's cute. But I don't really like it this short. Not that I liked it very long anymore, either. So I don't know what to think. I've just never liked short hair on women, but in me particular. It brings back memories of my second grade picture....afro like and ugly. And I feel less feminine. The only thing I like is the lack of itchy curls on my neck in the humid heat as I try to sleep. Oh, well.
I hope the rain comes sooner than later and passes over. Tonight at VBS we are suppose to have a big party, with hot dogs, a corn roast, and a maze for the kids (I don't know out of what...but I can't wait to see it...I love real mazes, and plan on going to a corn maze this year... I've been wanting to for at least 4 years now....)
Anyway, the forecast calls for showers, thunderstorms in the late afternoon and evening. The events tonight start at 6:45 and last until 8:45. We're praying it doesn't rain during that time....
On the other hand, the rain in general is needed, but just not during that time....
Thursday, August 11, 2005
Hidden Friends
Well, if the first day of VBS seemed a breeze, we made up for it yesterday. It poured here so they didn't have recreation for the kids, and instead doubled craft time, making yesterday the last day of crafts. It was quite hectic, with no break and lots of chaos, but it was nice tonight with a whole night free for cleaning up.
I ran into the president of our area's homeschoolers. She used to attend our church, but her hubby had a personality difference with our pastor, so they don't anymore. Anyway, I found out that there are two more homeschoolers at our church, one family being the youth pastor's family. So that encourages me. I really wish they had more time to spend with us, but maybe I'll once again try inviting them instead of just saying, "some time we'll have to get together..." It's just that I tire of always being the initiator and never getting asked back in response...
Which brings me to my next subject...the circles of socialness, and how we never seem to be in them. I feel sometimes that there are social circles all around us. At church, in the neighborhood, etc. Some circles intersect, some have circles inside of circles, but we aren't really inside any of them. We might interact with them like gears interact with one another...melding for a time, but breaking apart again with the purpose (or event) is served. And I'm lonely.
I don't want to be an after-thought..."Hey, we're all going to such-and-such to eat, wanna come too?"...I want to be thought of in the first place. I don't want the most popular circles, or the biggest circles, just a single, welcome circle where we belong and are appreciated. Why is it so hard to find this? We had one in Pittsburgh, we had one in Edinboro. We've never had one here. And it's not for lack of trying...
But I must get my daughter off to bed. Later.
I ran into the president of our area's homeschoolers. She used to attend our church, but her hubby had a personality difference with our pastor, so they don't anymore. Anyway, I found out that there are two more homeschoolers at our church, one family being the youth pastor's family. So that encourages me. I really wish they had more time to spend with us, but maybe I'll once again try inviting them instead of just saying, "some time we'll have to get together..." It's just that I tire of always being the initiator and never getting asked back in response...
Which brings me to my next subject...the circles of socialness, and how we never seem to be in them. I feel sometimes that there are social circles all around us. At church, in the neighborhood, etc. Some circles intersect, some have circles inside of circles, but we aren't really inside any of them. We might interact with them like gears interact with one another...melding for a time, but breaking apart again with the purpose (or event) is served. And I'm lonely.
I don't want to be an after-thought..."Hey, we're all going to such-and-such to eat, wanna come too?"...I want to be thought of in the first place. I don't want the most popular circles, or the biggest circles, just a single, welcome circle where we belong and are appreciated. Why is it so hard to find this? We had one in Pittsburgh, we had one in Edinboro. We've never had one here. And it's not for lack of trying...
But I must get my daughter off to bed. Later.
Tuesday, August 09, 2005
The Great Escape!
I will call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praise, for He saved me from my enemies.
Psalm 18:3
Psalm 18:3
Last night was the first night of VBS, and it went pretty well. I didn't go to VBS last year because Pumpkin would have been in the nursery anyway, and I was 8 plus months pregnant and didn't want to chance being a huge part of it and then go into labor and have them short on help.
I just looked back on my previous blogs, and I forgot somehow to mention that I designed the logo above for this year's VBS! Boom drew the man running and I used clip art to make the rest, and did the type in Adobe Photoshop. (Though my Photoshop version is 8 years old, as is Illustrator....) I was worried they wouldn't like it, but they didn't even change a thing. Cool!
Ironically, the last time I did crafts, we never had enough time (15 is all they give us for crafts.) So this year I begged and pleaded to give me to nights per two crafts, equaling half an hour each, and I ordered them from a craft catalog. It took me several hours to sort the stuff and bad it per kid so I wouldn't take that time during class, and it was worth it in the end, I suppose, except that the kids all finished their crafts before even 10 minutes of the class was up, leaving all of the next day for doing, I don't know what. So there goes my plea for more craft time...go figure. Of course, if the kids had actually taken some time to work on their crafts instead of going the easy route to finish asap, then we would have been fine. But it's like now days kids are learning quickly to move on, move on, move one.
I put Pumpkin in the pre-school class and she did fine, which I knew she would. I caught a glimpse of her after I was in the skit, during the worship part upstairs, and she was just looking around. I wasn't sure if she'd try to do the motions with the music, or not. She's just now starting to imitate people in that way. Maybe she'll be more into it tonight...we'll see. But she liked her craft and she did well...my little girl's growing up!
Rugger did fine in the nursery, he didn't even whimper, but actually went to the girl who was supposed to be in class but likes the nursery better. I guess he's now getting used to the nursery and the way it works, so that's good. I feel so much better when they don't cry at all when I leave them, and I know that he won't be crying while I'm in the skit and can't get him or something. Hopefully he'll do well during Awana this year, too. Maybe he'll even get used to the lady who usually is there for Awana - the one he doesn't get along with now. (I am the Games Leader for Awana.)
The skit went well, and the puppet bit was funny. I remember VBS when I was little, so I get excited for Pumpkin and the kids, especially as she gets older and enjoys it even more. I'm glad I got involved this year. I was frustrated at first, with the time it took and with the kids in my way and all (I could pawn them off, but that would actually be more nerve wracking to a degree than bringing them with me to practices, setting up, etc.)
So all in all, the first night went well. And tonight I don't have to be there early, or stay late, since we practiced last night afterwards. So it should even be a little better!
Sunday, August 07, 2005
Finally!
I got our pics on the site. After way too many hours of work. I'm not sure how others change their blogs, but from what I can tell, they mess with the HTML of the blog, and though I'm familiar with HTML, it's been years since I've used it, and I'm not familiar with how to change other people's HTML, just make my own.
So I tried to get pictures up using HelloBloggerBot or whatever it is. And I downloaded Picasa and it supposedly will sort through all your pics. Well, the 7 pics that I created specifically for this blog (scanned and sized on my own) were in a folder called "Blog." It scanned all 7, but only 3 showed up as being in that folder. I tried to import the rest, but it would say they were already there, so I'd search for them by name, and of course they weren't. I re-installed the software. I moved the pics, I tried everything. I finally gave up after too many hours.
So today I decided to upload the pictures to my yahoo page and just html the pics into my description in my profile. So there you go!
I forgot how much I enjoy playing with my Graphic Design software, though. Making logos and t-shirts and such has been as much fun as it has been frustrating. That's what I like about design work. If I could find enough free-lance in the area to make it worthwhile, I wouldn't mind doing it as a job. But I still want that kiln... ;)
I had Boom chop my hair today. It's very short now. I'm not sure if it's ever been this short before, but it's not too bad, and it will grow out if I don't like it.
We'll be eating s'mores over a fire tonight, first pit fire since moving here. I miss fires...so does Boom. But hopefully we'll get our yard figured out soon enough and have a permanent place for a good fire.
Well, that's about it. I've spent too much time on here the last few days, and I need off. Till tomorrow.
So I tried to get pictures up using HelloBloggerBot or whatever it is. And I downloaded Picasa and it supposedly will sort through all your pics. Well, the 7 pics that I created specifically for this blog (scanned and sized on my own) were in a folder called "Blog." It scanned all 7, but only 3 showed up as being in that folder. I tried to import the rest, but it would say they were already there, so I'd search for them by name, and of course they weren't. I re-installed the software. I moved the pics, I tried everything. I finally gave up after too many hours.
So today I decided to upload the pictures to my yahoo page and just html the pics into my description in my profile. So there you go!
I forgot how much I enjoy playing with my Graphic Design software, though. Making logos and t-shirts and such has been as much fun as it has been frustrating. That's what I like about design work. If I could find enough free-lance in the area to make it worthwhile, I wouldn't mind doing it as a job. But I still want that kiln... ;)
I had Boom chop my hair today. It's very short now. I'm not sure if it's ever been this short before, but it's not too bad, and it will grow out if I don't like it.
We'll be eating s'mores over a fire tonight, first pit fire since moving here. I miss fires...so does Boom. But hopefully we'll get our yard figured out soon enough and have a permanent place for a good fire.
Well, that's about it. I've spent too much time on here the last few days, and I need off. Till tomorrow.
Saturday, August 06, 2005
My Boring, Pathetic Life...
A whole week and nothing much to write...I got the house cleaned up and sorted out the VBS craft stuff. I worked on the logos for our book discussion group at the library, and I guess I finally got a logo for myself, if I ever get a kiln. Which is silly that I even worried so much about it. I tried different elements, different fonts...and I came up with this:
A whole week and nothing much to write...I got the house cleaned up and sorted out the VBS craft stuff. I worked on the logos for our book discussion group at the library, and I guess I finally got a logo for myself, if I ever get a kiln. Which is silly that I even worried so much about it. I tried different elements, different fonts...and I came up with this:
To me it's still missing something, though I don't know what, but it's the only one that Boom liked that I liked. I know he's not the all-knowing one...but if he doesn't like it, I figure someone else may not, either. And if he doesn't "get" what I'm trying to say with it, chances are that others won't, either. So, there it is for now. Maybe I've just stared at it too long and it's just fine...
And then I spent 3 hours trying to get it to open in Adobe Photoshop from Adobe Illustrator, but the stupid font (ITC Kabel) wouldn't come up, so after trying everything I can think of, I finally consult the website, and eventually give in to the support hotline. Adobe is the only support line that I actually appreciate. They are actually very knowledgeable and quick and always nice. Should've tried that first...
So after downloading another program for another hour (I finally cleaned during the wait) I finally got it to open right and work on it in Photoshop...making it look like an imprint in clay, etc.
Other than that, I was discouraged this week because I want to find some cheaper clay classes around here. I know there's one class, if still around, up in Erie (hour away.) But the next thing I found was at JCC (Jamestown Community College) up in New York, only 10 min. away. Thing is, it's $700 for 3 credit hours since I'm living in PA. It's half that if you live in NY. And Edinboro (near Erie) has, like, 5 classes, but each would be probably $450 or so, Boom said.
And I don't know if they are necessary, it's just that I feel like I'm a fraud, or a fake, or something. Heck, I don't even have a kiln yet, so maybe I'm just crazy... But when I do get one someday, if I don't know all the in's and out's of ceramics, does that mean I'm less than an amateur? If I simply buy the clay I like by the look in the book, and pick a few bottled glazes instead of mixing my own, does that make me a wannabe? And does it matter? I mean, I'm not doing it necessarily for the sake of pottery, anyway. I'm doing it because it's a cheap medium (minus the kiln) but it's also the most durable medium, for sculpting. I am a sculpture, not necessarily a potter. Not that I've sculpted more than a few months, even, but my point is that I don't claim to be a potter, really. So is it so bad if I don't know what all the minute details are? I sure hope not. Because unless I can find a workshop around here, I can't afford to take a class anytime soon, if ever.
I finally gave Pumpkin a small haircut. I gave her some bangs. But I cut them way too short. I know I read recently in a kids mag to cut their hair when it's wet...but I never did like doing so. I tried cutting lower knowing they'd bounce back up, but you'd think I was aiming for the roots for how they turned out. Oh, well. They'll grow back, I figure.
I wish I could see her through eyes other then my own. I honestly am afraid that other people think she is ugly...and it's very sub-conscience, which bothers me. I don't want to think of her as being ugly, but she looks so much like me...
For example. We had the pig roast (meeting with lots of food where Boom tells the players' parents about the upcoming year and rules and such) and one of the other coaches was looking at the two of them (Pumpkin and Rugger) and says, "You can tell their siblings"...which is true, but my immediate thought is, "Do you think he's ugly too?" Then yesterday I was buying some fleece for a poncho and hat for the games and the girl cutting the material says, "She's a cute girl." And I wonder if she says that because one can't very well say, "Boy, she's kind of on the ugly side..."
I think she is cute some of the time. But the only she gets, the harder it gets. She has too much of me. With Rugger, I see nothing but cute, cute, cute. He is absolutely adorable. And more people have said so than did with Pumpkin. But I don't like my own face at all. Not a bit. It's not a too-big nose. It's not one thing, really, though I don't like my nose, and my eyes are too squinty (she got those, too.) But I look in the mirror and I look like a boy, or something. I don't know. I just know I have never looked in a mirror because I want to see how good I look. I look because I have to make sure my hair is okay, or something.
Boom is gone at the Big 30 game (all stars from local high schools), so I'm alone tonight. I haven't started my next book, yet, so I might as well scan in a pic of the family so you know who's who. At our book discussion group, the last book we read was risque, and the next one we picked based off web reviews (Skinny Dip) was even more so. After finishing it and feeling guilty, I found out they changed books because it was so bad. Then I felt even more guilty for not saying so myself...
Below is a pic of me and Boom 6 years ago when I still had long hair, and the other is of me and Rugger with my short hair and glasses, which I wear most of the time, now. (That will change again once I go to the eye doctors and get a new prescription for contacts.) Just for sake of...I don't think I look all that bad in most of the photos I have posted on the web, even on my other website. It's the day to day look that I see in my mirror that I don't like...and same with Pumpkin. I like all the pics I post...they're the best ones. But there are some that catch her in bad lighting or what-not and I put those with the "bad" pictures in a box (the ones with eyes that blinked, etc.) Rugger doesn't have near as many "bad" pics, because he loves to smile and look cute. For a whole year Pumpkin didn't smile at all for cameras, but now she's even saying, "Chesse!" :0)
Sunday, July 31, 2005
Little Town - Big Sale
Yesterday was Sugar Grove Sales Day...the whole town has a garage sale, usually inviting friends and family so that whole yards are filled with tables, tarps, chairs, canopies, etc. Last year was the first time I was even close to the whole shabang, as we had just bought our house (signed the papers, hadn't closed.) We were showing it off to our parents, and it happened to be that Saturday. So we had to fight the hundreds of cars just to get to the house, and it was raining last year. We walked around to some of the houses, and even bought a few things, but I never knew the extent of it until now...
The sale didn't start until early Saturday morning, but I had spent half of my money the night before, from our two next door neighbors. The rest I spent yesterday, and I won't say how much, but it was more than I thought I would. Apparently it's good that I never know where garage sales are! I got a few toys, some of them good (pentamino set, light bright, a bubble light globe thing), and some just ordinary toys (bubble mower, double baby stroller for Pumpkin), clothes for me and the kids, a gift for Boom, an old fashioned push mower for Boom (he needs one more to complete his set of three that he wants to pull behind a regular mower...and we had a tip on one but it wasn't a very good tip, and by the time I found the house that was selling it, it had sold an hour ago...)
There were vendors, too. From food to trinkets to t-shirts and paintings...which I found to be annoying because it's supposed to be a garage sale. But on the other hand, this means if I get a kiln one of these days and make my own wares, I could sell them without feeling weird. I saw some people who make their own thing selling it, and a few people sold some baked goods.
But the most exciting part of the day was after my MIL and BIL left and my BIL's girlfriend was just there. We got to talk for the first time and really get to know each other. It turns out that we have far more in common than I would have thought, and she shares the same plight with MIL that I do, but for her it's a little worse because MIL actually puts her down to her face, and instead of BIL sticking up for her, he runs to Mommy when they've had an argument. I'm glad Boom stood up to my MIL the first day we lived with them, because I think that made all the difference in the world. She knows if she ever pushed me hard enough, she'll be pushing into her own son...
Anyway, now I made a new friend. And for now she's not working, so I can visit her during the day! I hope that this won't bring repercussions among my end of the MIL thing, but I have a feeling it may. Especially since lately my in-laws aren't always fond of this girl, and if it turns out I'm visiting her a lot (which since she lives behind my MIL where we used to live, MIL will see me visit her and wonder big-time...probably will even call to see why I'm there) there may be side effects. Oh, well. I'm willing to go for it anyway...
Yesterday was Sugar Grove Sales Day...the whole town has a garage sale, usually inviting friends and family so that whole yards are filled with tables, tarps, chairs, canopies, etc. Last year was the first time I was even close to the whole shabang, as we had just bought our house (signed the papers, hadn't closed.) We were showing it off to our parents, and it happened to be that Saturday. So we had to fight the hundreds of cars just to get to the house, and it was raining last year. We walked around to some of the houses, and even bought a few things, but I never knew the extent of it until now...
The sale didn't start until early Saturday morning, but I had spent half of my money the night before, from our two next door neighbors. The rest I spent yesterday, and I won't say how much, but it was more than I thought I would. Apparently it's good that I never know where garage sales are! I got a few toys, some of them good (pentamino set, light bright, a bubble light globe thing), and some just ordinary toys (bubble mower, double baby stroller for Pumpkin), clothes for me and the kids, a gift for Boom, an old fashioned push mower for Boom (he needs one more to complete his set of three that he wants to pull behind a regular mower...and we had a tip on one but it wasn't a very good tip, and by the time I found the house that was selling it, it had sold an hour ago...)
There were vendors, too. From food to trinkets to t-shirts and paintings...which I found to be annoying because it's supposed to be a garage sale. But on the other hand, this means if I get a kiln one of these days and make my own wares, I could sell them without feeling weird. I saw some people who make their own thing selling it, and a few people sold some baked goods.
But the most exciting part of the day was after my MIL and BIL left and my BIL's girlfriend was just there. We got to talk for the first time and really get to know each other. It turns out that we have far more in common than I would have thought, and she shares the same plight with MIL that I do, but for her it's a little worse because MIL actually puts her down to her face, and instead of BIL sticking up for her, he runs to Mommy when they've had an argument. I'm glad Boom stood up to my MIL the first day we lived with them, because I think that made all the difference in the world. She knows if she ever pushed me hard enough, she'll be pushing into her own son...
Anyway, now I made a new friend. And for now she's not working, so I can visit her during the day! I hope that this won't bring repercussions among my end of the MIL thing, but I have a feeling it may. Especially since lately my in-laws aren't always fond of this girl, and if it turns out I'm visiting her a lot (which since she lives behind my MIL where we used to live, MIL will see me visit her and wonder big-time...probably will even call to see why I'm there) there may be side effects. Oh, well. I'm willing to go for it anyway...
Thursday, July 28, 2005
Season For Dreams
Today the weather stuck around 65 degrees the whole day. It rained on and off and frankly, if the trees weren't so green, I'd have said it was a perfect fall day...
Fall is my favorite season of the year, bar none. I love everything about it, except the fact that Boom is not around as much due to the busy nature of football. But I even look forward to Football, believe it or not. I always have.
When I was a child, I fell asleep in the fall to the sound of a football announcer commenting somewhere in my neighborhood. When I got married, I napped on Sunday afternoons while Boom watched his game. And then as Boom got deeper into coaching, I began to appreciate the details of the game and of course now I have my own personal interests on the line with him being the head coach.
I love campfires in the backyard, hiking, camping (when the kids are older, I hope), leaves falling and crunching beneath my feet. And I hope I can do most of these things this year.
I know my fertility is returning soon...there are signs, even as simple as the increased acne on my face that I keep messing with. And with that comes the hope that I don't get pregnant this time. I want to enjoy this year without morning sickness, sore nipples, and pain.
I want to enjoy two toddlers who marvel at the wonders of a backyard in the fall. Of playgrounds and s'mores.
I also keep thinking about clay. I thought about if I had a kiln right now, and that I could be having so much fun today with this weather and smoothing the clay with water, and listening to music, etc. I can feel it so strongly, I can see it...and I wonder if it's nothing more than another of my "little girl" dreams.
Not that I ever dreamt of sculpting in clay before. No, this is a relatively new dream. But I've had others. I have never known what I wanted to be, but I knew I could do whatever I wanted if I put my heart into it, as my Mother always told me. I am a Jack Of All Trades, Master Of None. I do many things okay, but nothing spectacular.
I know I am intelligent. Smart, no. I only memorized facts then forgot them. But I am intelligent, which I consider to mean a mature thinker. I know I am creative. Not Andy Warhol creative, but I definitely think out of the box. More often than not, I find I can't identify with those around me because my thought differ so much. Last night at the Book Discussion group...I have so little in common with anyone I meet...at least if you go past the surface. I mean, sure, I can have many things in common like we are mothers, or we both have cats, or we live in Sugar Grove....but beneath all that to who we really are...there's not much I see in others that I find in myself.
Most people either have bought into today's agenda, or they say they haven't but simply go under a different name. Maybe I do too...if they are blind to it, then perhaps I am, too. And I know on some levels, I am.
But I have always believed, in everything I've ever done. Every report, every science project, I have believed one thing that I must believe God instilled into me: it must be fun!!! If God didn't give me this idea, then I am lost, truly. Because it's the one constant in my life. It's why I still have toys from my childhood, and even some for my adulthood. It's why I want to homeschool in part.
You see, I want more than just an education for my children, I want them to have an experience. If they read the definition of sculptor in the dictionary, they might have an idea of what one is. And if they see a picture of a sculptor, they have a better understanding. And better still with a video or actual visit to a sculptor...But if you let them sculpt, then they will fully understand. That's what I want.....and that's why I'm afraid, because I don't know if I can get or find the resources.
Anyway, today I dreamed of ceramics, again. I dreamed of a fall filled with sweet memories and carefree days. I dreamed of a future that I don't know exists, but hope with all my heart does. And I enjoyed the dream.
*8*8*8*
Tonight at church the pastor asked me to pray about becoming the person in charge of the nursery. Here's fodder for the homechurcher's out there! ;) I didn't even want to be a nursery worker in the first place, let alone in charge of it all. And I know he said I could say no, and I will. But I'll still feel guilty. But I can't do it...I can't. I am the kind of person who stresses, stresses, and stresses. I can't do it....
But I wish I could pray about stuff and get answers. I don't think God has ever answered those kind of prayers for me, or else I don't know how to hear. Which is why I have a hard time with my personal time with God. I never seem to hear from Him. I thank Him all the time. I pray for others, but when it comes to talking with God, I always seem to be stuck. I try to confess any known and unknown sin so that "wall" people talk about isn't there. But still nothing. I try to quiet the thoughts in my head enough, but still nothing. And then I feel guilty for not hearing the Still Small Voice, and then I doubt if I'm even saved in the first place, and then I end up here...not remembering the last time I tried, and worried that I'll not be saved anyway by default for not trying for so long....
At any rate, some people think that Stay At Home means Not Busy. I don't want to go into my rant on Stay At Home vs. Working Moms right now, since I am very tired. But it came up again tonight, as well...
So here's to dreams in the fall and hopes for future...
Today the weather stuck around 65 degrees the whole day. It rained on and off and frankly, if the trees weren't so green, I'd have said it was a perfect fall day...
Fall is my favorite season of the year, bar none. I love everything about it, except the fact that Boom is not around as much due to the busy nature of football. But I even look forward to Football, believe it or not. I always have.
When I was a child, I fell asleep in the fall to the sound of a football announcer commenting somewhere in my neighborhood. When I got married, I napped on Sunday afternoons while Boom watched his game. And then as Boom got deeper into coaching, I began to appreciate the details of the game and of course now I have my own personal interests on the line with him being the head coach.
I love campfires in the backyard, hiking, camping (when the kids are older, I hope), leaves falling and crunching beneath my feet. And I hope I can do most of these things this year.
I know my fertility is returning soon...there are signs, even as simple as the increased acne on my face that I keep messing with. And with that comes the hope that I don't get pregnant this time. I want to enjoy this year without morning sickness, sore nipples, and pain.
I want to enjoy two toddlers who marvel at the wonders of a backyard in the fall. Of playgrounds and s'mores.
I also keep thinking about clay. I thought about if I had a kiln right now, and that I could be having so much fun today with this weather and smoothing the clay with water, and listening to music, etc. I can feel it so strongly, I can see it...and I wonder if it's nothing more than another of my "little girl" dreams.
Not that I ever dreamt of sculpting in clay before. No, this is a relatively new dream. But I've had others. I have never known what I wanted to be, but I knew I could do whatever I wanted if I put my heart into it, as my Mother always told me. I am a Jack Of All Trades, Master Of None. I do many things okay, but nothing spectacular.
I know I am intelligent. Smart, no. I only memorized facts then forgot them. But I am intelligent, which I consider to mean a mature thinker. I know I am creative. Not Andy Warhol creative, but I definitely think out of the box. More often than not, I find I can't identify with those around me because my thought differ so much. Last night at the Book Discussion group...I have so little in common with anyone I meet...at least if you go past the surface. I mean, sure, I can have many things in common like we are mothers, or we both have cats, or we live in Sugar Grove....but beneath all that to who we really are...there's not much I see in others that I find in myself.
Most people either have bought into today's agenda, or they say they haven't but simply go under a different name. Maybe I do too...if they are blind to it, then perhaps I am, too. And I know on some levels, I am.
But I have always believed, in everything I've ever done. Every report, every science project, I have believed one thing that I must believe God instilled into me: it must be fun!!! If God didn't give me this idea, then I am lost, truly. Because it's the one constant in my life. It's why I still have toys from my childhood, and even some for my adulthood. It's why I want to homeschool in part.
You see, I want more than just an education for my children, I want them to have an experience. If they read the definition of sculptor in the dictionary, they might have an idea of what one is. And if they see a picture of a sculptor, they have a better understanding. And better still with a video or actual visit to a sculptor...But if you let them sculpt, then they will fully understand. That's what I want.....and that's why I'm afraid, because I don't know if I can get or find the resources.
Anyway, today I dreamed of ceramics, again. I dreamed of a fall filled with sweet memories and carefree days. I dreamed of a future that I don't know exists, but hope with all my heart does. And I enjoyed the dream.
*8*8*8*
Tonight at church the pastor asked me to pray about becoming the person in charge of the nursery. Here's fodder for the homechurcher's out there! ;) I didn't even want to be a nursery worker in the first place, let alone in charge of it all. And I know he said I could say no, and I will. But I'll still feel guilty. But I can't do it...I can't. I am the kind of person who stresses, stresses, and stresses. I can't do it....
But I wish I could pray about stuff and get answers. I don't think God has ever answered those kind of prayers for me, or else I don't know how to hear. Which is why I have a hard time with my personal time with God. I never seem to hear from Him. I thank Him all the time. I pray for others, but when it comes to talking with God, I always seem to be stuck. I try to confess any known and unknown sin so that "wall" people talk about isn't there. But still nothing. I try to quiet the thoughts in my head enough, but still nothing. And then I feel guilty for not hearing the Still Small Voice, and then I doubt if I'm even saved in the first place, and then I end up here...not remembering the last time I tried, and worried that I'll not be saved anyway by default for not trying for so long....
At any rate, some people think that Stay At Home means Not Busy. I don't want to go into my rant on Stay At Home vs. Working Moms right now, since I am very tired. But it came up again tonight, as well...
So here's to dreams in the fall and hopes for future...
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Mother Knows Best
I hate Internet Explorer! This is the fourth time I've tried posting to the blog, and I tried copying and pasting, but that won't work apparently...but this thing keeps shutting down with it's "Send Error Report" error message. *argh!*
Anyway....
Yesterday, once I got over feeling depressed and realized I needed to do something in order to feel better, I cleaned the house again. It wasn't too bad since I had just cleaned it the day before we left for Indiana, but it still stressed me out. So I picked up most of the stuff and felt better the rest of the night.
I even took the kids to the playground after supper, which Pumpkin had been asking for all day(the playground, not the supper.) They actually put a stairway up to the slides, where previously they only had a vertical ladder. It was nice because now Pumpkin can climb up to the slides and go down by herself. I even let Rugger crawl up the steps with me close behind and we went down the slides together. The weather was nice, too, since it had cooled off by then. I enjoyed myself better than I thought I would. It was nice to see Amber able to do stuff at this playground, for once.
Today is supposed to be very hot, but so far it's been pretty pleasant. I still filled up the kiddy pool this morning after breakfast so it warms up, too.
But today my day got off to a bad start when the neighbor lady came to visit. She invited me to tea at her house tomorrow with a bunch of ladies. Well, I told her I would love to go (which I would) but it's Wednesday night and I have the small group with the ladies at church, which I also like. (I only joined the class for socializing, so I look forward to it. Not that I'm not getting anything out of it, it's just that most of the classes aren't where I'm at right now, and I just plain want human interaction, so I joined the women's only group.) Anyway, she told me to skip it (which irks me simply because if I state I have a previous commitment, it means I don't plan on skipping...I don't skip things...it's not my nature. If I plan on something, I'll usually do it.) But when I told her I usually bring the kids with me to church (I didn't mention nursery, so she probably assumed they sit with me, which they have at times when I couldn't get them to calm down, and that I'd have to bring them with me to the tea, she just said, "oh."
I didn't bother telling her that the only person I've had watch them is my MIL because even though I don't trust or like everything she does, I trust her more than strangers or people I don't know as well, and I'm having her come here tonight so I can go to a book discussion on a book that I normally wouldn't read because it's language is inappropriate (The Sweet Potato Queen's Book of Love) but again because of the human interaction I want to go, and I don't want to ask MIL to come over again on Friday so I can chat with more women, let alone that I don't want her watching my kids too often, anyway.....
So, I just told her I'd come another time. Then she started talking small talk and mentioned football and how she's not into it, so I felt the need to defend what I now know is not just a brutal sport, but a reflection of life, with as much strategy as a chess game, as much choreography as a ballet, and as much meaning as a family unit. I didn't say all that; I just simply told her I understand football now, and she said something like, "Well, I suppose as the coach's wife you need to know something..." which got to me I'm not sure why. I don't know if it implied that's the only reason I should know stuff, or if it implied I should know football (which I don't think is necessary, technically) or if it was nothing and I get too heated about her comments. But there's a reason for that...
The first time I met her I didn't even know it. We were at a mutual friend's house for one of those Tastefully Simple parties and my friend brought me my drink in a mug that was shaped like a pregnant woman's belly. My future neighbor asked if I was pregnant, to which I replied, "Not that I know of! At least, not yet. And not for awhile, hopefully." Little did I know I was indeed pregnant as of that weekend...though I didn't take the test until the next Tuesday to be sure.
Anyway, the second time I met her was the day before Rugger was born. Our mutual friend introduced us, and I was glad to be her neighbor. So when Rugger was around 5 months old, I found out she was pregnant with her fourth, and so when I ran into her a few months later I told her if she needed anyone to talk to when the baby comes, I've right here. After all, for me the hardest part of both my babies was the loneliness. She then told me I needed to get out more, and I responded that I don't trust many people to watch them, and she replied that, "Sometimes you need to let them suffer........."
I just don't agree, frankly. And I'm not talking about discipline and the natural consequences. I'm talking about leaving kids when they don't know the person, or just plain don't know why I'm leaving them. Just like in the nursery. I get tired of well-meaning people telling me I need my own time without the kids. I know. But to me, if the kids cry the whole time I'm gone, any fun I had went right out the door. Let alone the fact that I'd worry the whole time I was out, anyway.
As it stands, this woman is a working Mom, so she obviously feels differently. And that's okay, but she has this mindset that I am a slave to my kids' every desire and never set foot away from my home or them. This became obvious when I told her about a month later that Boom and I had gone to the theater to watch such-and-such movie and she exclaims, "You brought Rugger?" Confused, I told her that, no, my mother and father watched the kids. To which she replied, "Oh! So you do leave him!" *sigh* -------and would it be so wrong if I didn't????
So today, she comes to my porch, me with my pigtails from last night (didn't want to get hair in my face or on my neck in my sweatiness while cleaning) and rags for clothing on (haven't taken a shower, what do I care?) and as we talk about football I tell her my dilemma about Boom's first game of the year.
It's his toughest opponent, and the first game. It's two hours away. I want to go, but won't put the kids through it. However, even though my mom offered to watch the kids, I don't know about leaving Rugger since he still nurses every two hours at night, at least. (I didn't mention the two hour part...knew she'd disapprove of that based on earlier conversations about kids sleeping through the night.) She, of course, said very casually, "Oh, just leave him. You never leave them, anyway." I wanted to scream and shrivel up at the same time. Why is it I have to leave my kids to be a good person??? WHY?
I just don't mind being with my kids. Yes, they drive me crazy at times. But that's part of the territory...I accept it. Just like the quirks of marriage. I don't leave Boom every time he drives me crazy, why would I leave my kids? I'm not saying time to myself isn't good or healthy, but I'll get that time when I want it, and when the kids are old enough to take it better.
I didn't let Pumpkin stay over night with my sister, who begged, until she was 2. Even then, I was nervous. She was more fine than I thought, but does that mean I'm overprotective and spoil my kids?
Anyway, I don't tell this woman that studies support staying at home with your children when they are young. When she told me that she's going back to work next week I didn't tell her that I was glad my kids weren't separated from me at such a young, crucial age. So why does she tell me that I'm too much of one thing when I could just as easily tell her she's too much of another?
And I'm not even against working Moms. I just don't think it's the best for the kids, in my opinion. But I'll not think less of you, though I might wonder what caused you to make one decision, and me another. But that's okay...just don't make me feel back for my choices, either.
Then again, I do get sick and tired of all the PC stuff out there today. I'm not always sure where to draw the line, but I do know that some things are right, and some are wrong. And I won't be popular in voicing it, but I still believe sex should be saved for marriage. I believe homosexuality is wrong (I'm not afraid of it, I don't think they are horrible people, just people who are sincerely lost, some of them very good people.) I believe abortion is wrong, though I don't know all the answers to the unplanned children resulting. I believe a lot of things, but if I speak it in public, then I am intolerant and judgmental...
Unfortunately, it's not just me. And someday, when you meet you're maker face to face, you'll realize that He's not trying to be judgmental, He just wants what's best for you.
Anyway, I always get caught in the middle, because I'm too afraid to tell people all of the above. I'm afraid they'll think I'm judging people, and I'm afraid they will judge me, believing in "religion" and such. I'm a people pleaser, and I don't want anyone mad at me. It's especially difficult when I have a different view point with a good friend, or if two friends have different viewpoints, then I don't want the one with the viewpoint I disagree with to like me less.
At any rate, I felt stupid again today. I hate it when people make me feel that way. I hate it that I allow myself to feel that way over something someone said in ignorance. If I'm fine with the way I do things, what does it matter what other people think? It matters because I always worry that maybe I am wrong. That maybe there's a better way, and since I want the best, I try to be open to other ideas. Otherwise I wouldn't even be where I am today.
And so in the end, I really don't know who knows best. Studies always show both sides to be right, depending on what you read, and I keep hearing that I know my kids best, to go with my instinct. And if that's true, then I'm just fine where I am, thank you very much.
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It did get hot, but we got our swim in before the storm hit which cooled things off considerably. While I was sitting in the pool, though, I thought couldn't stop thinking about my neighbor. And I focused on two trains of thought. One, there was no place I'd rather be at that moment but with my kids, and I'm glad it was me and not someone else. I want to be the one to take them to the playground, see the amazement as they catch their first grasshopper, watch them play house, etc. Second, I wondered if my neighbor could hear me laughing and talking with my children and would think it strange that I was having fun. For some reason, I picture her to think I'm boring since I must not go anywhere or do anything, as I'm with my kids at home all day.
There's really two things wrong with this picture. I do go places, and sometimes I take my kids, and sometimes I don't. And even if I don't go anywhere, I still do stuff with them at home.
Also, I wonder if she'd be suprised by who I was before I had kids. I was a colorguard in the marching band. I was in Bible Quizzing. I love to travel. I love to see new places and try new things. I am social by nature, though shy at first.
But she sees a wall, and that's too bad...
By the way, in case anyone should think that I don't know it, in regards to my previous posting, I know that I, too, am not perfect. I sin just like everyone else. I just have a problem with people who think that there is no such thing as sin...
Anyway, it's late, I must go.
I hate Internet Explorer! This is the fourth time I've tried posting to the blog, and I tried copying and pasting, but that won't work apparently...but this thing keeps shutting down with it's "Send Error Report" error message. *argh!*
Anyway....
Yesterday, once I got over feeling depressed and realized I needed to do something in order to feel better, I cleaned the house again. It wasn't too bad since I had just cleaned it the day before we left for Indiana, but it still stressed me out. So I picked up most of the stuff and felt better the rest of the night.
I even took the kids to the playground after supper, which Pumpkin had been asking for all day(the playground, not the supper.) They actually put a stairway up to the slides, where previously they only had a vertical ladder. It was nice because now Pumpkin can climb up to the slides and go down by herself. I even let Rugger crawl up the steps with me close behind and we went down the slides together. The weather was nice, too, since it had cooled off by then. I enjoyed myself better than I thought I would. It was nice to see Amber able to do stuff at this playground, for once.
Today is supposed to be very hot, but so far it's been pretty pleasant. I still filled up the kiddy pool this morning after breakfast so it warms up, too.
But today my day got off to a bad start when the neighbor lady came to visit. She invited me to tea at her house tomorrow with a bunch of ladies. Well, I told her I would love to go (which I would) but it's Wednesday night and I have the small group with the ladies at church, which I also like. (I only joined the class for socializing, so I look forward to it. Not that I'm not getting anything out of it, it's just that most of the classes aren't where I'm at right now, and I just plain want human interaction, so I joined the women's only group.) Anyway, she told me to skip it (which irks me simply because if I state I have a previous commitment, it means I don't plan on skipping...I don't skip things...it's not my nature. If I plan on something, I'll usually do it.) But when I told her I usually bring the kids with me to church (I didn't mention nursery, so she probably assumed they sit with me, which they have at times when I couldn't get them to calm down, and that I'd have to bring them with me to the tea, she just said, "oh."
I didn't bother telling her that the only person I've had watch them is my MIL because even though I don't trust or like everything she does, I trust her more than strangers or people I don't know as well, and I'm having her come here tonight so I can go to a book discussion on a book that I normally wouldn't read because it's language is inappropriate (The Sweet Potato Queen's Book of Love) but again because of the human interaction I want to go, and I don't want to ask MIL to come over again on Friday so I can chat with more women, let alone that I don't want her watching my kids too often, anyway.....
So, I just told her I'd come another time. Then she started talking small talk and mentioned football and how she's not into it, so I felt the need to defend what I now know is not just a brutal sport, but a reflection of life, with as much strategy as a chess game, as much choreography as a ballet, and as much meaning as a family unit. I didn't say all that; I just simply told her I understand football now, and she said something like, "Well, I suppose as the coach's wife you need to know something..." which got to me I'm not sure why. I don't know if it implied that's the only reason I should know stuff, or if it implied I should know football (which I don't think is necessary, technically) or if it was nothing and I get too heated about her comments. But there's a reason for that...
The first time I met her I didn't even know it. We were at a mutual friend's house for one of those Tastefully Simple parties and my friend brought me my drink in a mug that was shaped like a pregnant woman's belly. My future neighbor asked if I was pregnant, to which I replied, "Not that I know of! At least, not yet. And not for awhile, hopefully." Little did I know I was indeed pregnant as of that weekend...though I didn't take the test until the next Tuesday to be sure.
Anyway, the second time I met her was the day before Rugger was born. Our mutual friend introduced us, and I was glad to be her neighbor. So when Rugger was around 5 months old, I found out she was pregnant with her fourth, and so when I ran into her a few months later I told her if she needed anyone to talk to when the baby comes, I've right here. After all, for me the hardest part of both my babies was the loneliness. She then told me I needed to get out more, and I responded that I don't trust many people to watch them, and she replied that, "Sometimes you need to let them suffer........."
I just don't agree, frankly. And I'm not talking about discipline and the natural consequences. I'm talking about leaving kids when they don't know the person, or just plain don't know why I'm leaving them. Just like in the nursery. I get tired of well-meaning people telling me I need my own time without the kids. I know. But to me, if the kids cry the whole time I'm gone, any fun I had went right out the door. Let alone the fact that I'd worry the whole time I was out, anyway.
As it stands, this woman is a working Mom, so she obviously feels differently. And that's okay, but she has this mindset that I am a slave to my kids' every desire and never set foot away from my home or them. This became obvious when I told her about a month later that Boom and I had gone to the theater to watch such-and-such movie and she exclaims, "You brought Rugger?" Confused, I told her that, no, my mother and father watched the kids. To which she replied, "Oh! So you do leave him!" *sigh* -------and would it be so wrong if I didn't????
So today, she comes to my porch, me with my pigtails from last night (didn't want to get hair in my face or on my neck in my sweatiness while cleaning) and rags for clothing on (haven't taken a shower, what do I care?) and as we talk about football I tell her my dilemma about Boom's first game of the year.
It's his toughest opponent, and the first game. It's two hours away. I want to go, but won't put the kids through it. However, even though my mom offered to watch the kids, I don't know about leaving Rugger since he still nurses every two hours at night, at least. (I didn't mention the two hour part...knew she'd disapprove of that based on earlier conversations about kids sleeping through the night.) She, of course, said very casually, "Oh, just leave him. You never leave them, anyway." I wanted to scream and shrivel up at the same time. Why is it I have to leave my kids to be a good person??? WHY?
I just don't mind being with my kids. Yes, they drive me crazy at times. But that's part of the territory...I accept it. Just like the quirks of marriage. I don't leave Boom every time he drives me crazy, why would I leave my kids? I'm not saying time to myself isn't good or healthy, but I'll get that time when I want it, and when the kids are old enough to take it better.
I didn't let Pumpkin stay over night with my sister, who begged, until she was 2. Even then, I was nervous. She was more fine than I thought, but does that mean I'm overprotective and spoil my kids?
Anyway, I don't tell this woman that studies support staying at home with your children when they are young. When she told me that she's going back to work next week I didn't tell her that I was glad my kids weren't separated from me at such a young, crucial age. So why does she tell me that I'm too much of one thing when I could just as easily tell her she's too much of another?
And I'm not even against working Moms. I just don't think it's the best for the kids, in my opinion. But I'll not think less of you, though I might wonder what caused you to make one decision, and me another. But that's okay...just don't make me feel back for my choices, either.
Then again, I do get sick and tired of all the PC stuff out there today. I'm not always sure where to draw the line, but I do know that some things are right, and some are wrong. And I won't be popular in voicing it, but I still believe sex should be saved for marriage. I believe homosexuality is wrong (I'm not afraid of it, I don't think they are horrible people, just people who are sincerely lost, some of them very good people.) I believe abortion is wrong, though I don't know all the answers to the unplanned children resulting. I believe a lot of things, but if I speak it in public, then I am intolerant and judgmental...
Unfortunately, it's not just me. And someday, when you meet you're maker face to face, you'll realize that He's not trying to be judgmental, He just wants what's best for you.
Anyway, I always get caught in the middle, because I'm too afraid to tell people all of the above. I'm afraid they'll think I'm judging people, and I'm afraid they will judge me, believing in "religion" and such. I'm a people pleaser, and I don't want anyone mad at me. It's especially difficult when I have a different view point with a good friend, or if two friends have different viewpoints, then I don't want the one with the viewpoint I disagree with to like me less.
At any rate, I felt stupid again today. I hate it when people make me feel that way. I hate it that I allow myself to feel that way over something someone said in ignorance. If I'm fine with the way I do things, what does it matter what other people think? It matters because I always worry that maybe I am wrong. That maybe there's a better way, and since I want the best, I try to be open to other ideas. Otherwise I wouldn't even be where I am today.
And so in the end, I really don't know who knows best. Studies always show both sides to be right, depending on what you read, and I keep hearing that I know my kids best, to go with my instinct. And if that's true, then I'm just fine where I am, thank you very much.
-+-+-+-+-+-+- -+-+-+-+-+-+-
It did get hot, but we got our swim in before the storm hit which cooled things off considerably. While I was sitting in the pool, though, I thought couldn't stop thinking about my neighbor. And I focused on two trains of thought. One, there was no place I'd rather be at that moment but with my kids, and I'm glad it was me and not someone else. I want to be the one to take them to the playground, see the amazement as they catch their first grasshopper, watch them play house, etc. Second, I wondered if my neighbor could hear me laughing and talking with my children and would think it strange that I was having fun. For some reason, I picture her to think I'm boring since I must not go anywhere or do anything, as I'm with my kids at home all day.
There's really two things wrong with this picture. I do go places, and sometimes I take my kids, and sometimes I don't. And even if I don't go anywhere, I still do stuff with them at home.
Also, I wonder if she'd be suprised by who I was before I had kids. I was a colorguard in the marching band. I was in Bible Quizzing. I love to travel. I love to see new places and try new things. I am social by nature, though shy at first.
But she sees a wall, and that's too bad...
By the way, in case anyone should think that I don't know it, in regards to my previous posting, I know that I, too, am not perfect. I sin just like everyone else. I just have a problem with people who think that there is no such thing as sin...
Anyway, it's late, I must go.
Sunday, July 24, 2005
Home Again
We're back from our annual Holderread reunion in Indiana. And once again, though I'm glad to be back in our house in sleep in my bed tonight, I already miss the fun we had. I so wish this kind of thing could be a daily, or even weekly, or even bi-weekly, event...then I think my life would be so much richer and the blows seem so much less intense.
Wednesday the kids were fine during small group. Rugger was asleep when I handed him off, so he did fine. Only four ladies were in the group, though, so it wasn't as in-depth as normal. After the kids went to bed, I packed everything and put it in the car, except for the food and water since I wanted to put it in the cooler as late as possible.
We left a little after 5 AM and it actually went well. Rugger woke up an hour before breakfast, fused some, but not bad. Then we stopped, ate and moved around, and he slept again and only fussed a few minutes before our next stop. Same thing the next time around, and then we were there. Pumpkin, however, didn't act like her usual songbird-in-the-car self, she chose to whine instead. But otherwise, a good trip out.
The kids enjoyed the downtime when we got there, and the next day we went to the College Football Hall of Fame. I love it. There were so many comparisons to high school football, and I really enjoyed seeing the footage of other coaches talk about how it's not the game that matters to coaches in the end, it's the players. And that's how it is with Boom. We also got to kick a football, throw a football, tackle a cardboard lineman, and do other silly little things in the "training camp" area. My cousin, Travis, who is around 10 years old, had fun with us. He's such a cute, good kid. I hope he stays that way. Too many of my cousins...well, I save that for later.
Afterward we went to the Notre Dame campus and walked around a little. We didn't have strollers, though, and it was so hot, that we stopped to sit and play at a bench, and then decided to just go back to my Uncle's house. But it was pleasant, anyway. Boom had wanted to see the stadium, but it was closed and there were a ton of teens and kids around for summer camps. But I personally had a blast the whole day.
Saturday was okay. It was a little too hot to be outside, and we had to move the reunion because of Boom, so the location was changed, as well, though in the end Boom's schedule cleared up on the original date, after all, but that's all right because we voted to keep the location at the relative's house it was at this year. Not much of the food I slaved over was gone, so maybe next year I won't work as hard. And the gift I made for the white elephant auction (which my sister so kindly bought, which saved me later embarrassment) broke, of course, after all the work I put into it. It figures, which is why I hate polymer clay now, and want a kiln more than ever. *sigh*
We played beanbag horseshoes and rode go carts in their path made for the purpose in their backyard. The only really disappointing thing was that no one in our generation was there, again. After my uncle Kenny dies someday, I don't know what we'll do. If we're the only ones going our age (me and my sister that is) then we might as well just meet at my parents house, which is much closer. Since much of the reason we go is for our Uncle. He's always been what we look forward to out there.
Anyway, we left there at 5AM our time and I felt so down. I didn't want to leave then, but knew it'd be easier on the little tikes. And the whole way home I felt down. I knew everyone else was at church listening to my dad play trombone (OH! how I miss that! And he does, too...) and then eating another carry-in of sorts. They would be talking, laughing, and having fun, while I was heading home, alone.
Don't get me wrong, I like being with Boom and the kids. But I want friends. Friends who I can play board games with, card games with (which we also played Friday night with Kenny), beanbag games with, joke with. Friends who don't wait for me to pester for weeks, pinning them down until I get a date, and then we have one lousy good time never to be repeated unless I pester them again. I want socialness. *sigh*
So, I didn't do a thing when we got home, so down did I feel. But we got pizza and wings and I am reading Leota's Garden by Francine Rivers, so I feel better. But I still miss being with family and friends...
We're back from our annual Holderread reunion in Indiana. And once again, though I'm glad to be back in our house in sleep in my bed tonight, I already miss the fun we had. I so wish this kind of thing could be a daily, or even weekly, or even bi-weekly, event...then I think my life would be so much richer and the blows seem so much less intense.
Wednesday the kids were fine during small group. Rugger was asleep when I handed him off, so he did fine. Only four ladies were in the group, though, so it wasn't as in-depth as normal. After the kids went to bed, I packed everything and put it in the car, except for the food and water since I wanted to put it in the cooler as late as possible.
We left a little after 5 AM and it actually went well. Rugger woke up an hour before breakfast, fused some, but not bad. Then we stopped, ate and moved around, and he slept again and only fussed a few minutes before our next stop. Same thing the next time around, and then we were there. Pumpkin, however, didn't act like her usual songbird-in-the-car self, she chose to whine instead. But otherwise, a good trip out.
The kids enjoyed the downtime when we got there, and the next day we went to the College Football Hall of Fame. I love it. There were so many comparisons to high school football, and I really enjoyed seeing the footage of other coaches talk about how it's not the game that matters to coaches in the end, it's the players. And that's how it is with Boom. We also got to kick a football, throw a football, tackle a cardboard lineman, and do other silly little things in the "training camp" area. My cousin, Travis, who is around 10 years old, had fun with us. He's such a cute, good kid. I hope he stays that way. Too many of my cousins...well, I save that for later.
Afterward we went to the Notre Dame campus and walked around a little. We didn't have strollers, though, and it was so hot, that we stopped to sit and play at a bench, and then decided to just go back to my Uncle's house. But it was pleasant, anyway. Boom had wanted to see the stadium, but it was closed and there were a ton of teens and kids around for summer camps. But I personally had a blast the whole day.
Saturday was okay. It was a little too hot to be outside, and we had to move the reunion because of Boom, so the location was changed, as well, though in the end Boom's schedule cleared up on the original date, after all, but that's all right because we voted to keep the location at the relative's house it was at this year. Not much of the food I slaved over was gone, so maybe next year I won't work as hard. And the gift I made for the white elephant auction (which my sister so kindly bought, which saved me later embarrassment) broke, of course, after all the work I put into it. It figures, which is why I hate polymer clay now, and want a kiln more than ever. *sigh*
We played beanbag horseshoes and rode go carts in their path made for the purpose in their backyard. The only really disappointing thing was that no one in our generation was there, again. After my uncle Kenny dies someday, I don't know what we'll do. If we're the only ones going our age (me and my sister that is) then we might as well just meet at my parents house, which is much closer. Since much of the reason we go is for our Uncle. He's always been what we look forward to out there.
Anyway, we left there at 5AM our time and I felt so down. I didn't want to leave then, but knew it'd be easier on the little tikes. And the whole way home I felt down. I knew everyone else was at church listening to my dad play trombone (OH! how I miss that! And he does, too...) and then eating another carry-in of sorts. They would be talking, laughing, and having fun, while I was heading home, alone.
Don't get me wrong, I like being with Boom and the kids. But I want friends. Friends who I can play board games with, card games with (which we also played Friday night with Kenny), beanbag games with, joke with. Friends who don't wait for me to pester for weeks, pinning them down until I get a date, and then we have one lousy good time never to be repeated unless I pester them again. I want socialness. *sigh*
So, I didn't do a thing when we got home, so down did I feel. But we got pizza and wings and I am reading Leota's Garden by Francine Rivers, so I feel better. But I still miss being with family and friends...
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