Down in the Dumps

I must be one of the most selfish people on this planet...or maybe I'm just human, I don't know.

I got this brilliant idea to look closer at the kiln section of the clay catalogues I requested, and picked out the kind I want. Then I looked on ebay to see if anything was available. It was...but all in the wrong places and they were not shippable, just "local pick up only." So I found one that was not bid on yet, but it looked like the tech school it came from abused it. So I called the manufacturers and they quoted what it would take to just replace the completely cracked lid, and by the time I added it all up, I might as well go for the new one.

I called my friend lady who knows the lady who might be willing to part with one of her smaller kilns. I still haven't heard, and she said she'd give her my number, so we'll see. But I'm thinking it's no, there, too since she doesn't seem too anxious to get ahold of me.

And the thing is, the almost $2,000 for the cheaper kiln that I'd go for isn't even the end of it. There's another $500 for a kiln vent which is a necessity for taking away toxic fumes and for bringing in oxygen into the firing for the best colors. And then there's kiln furniture, and cones, and the correct wiring so I don't burn down the place.

Not to mention that I've never touched a kiln in my entire life, and that classes are too expensive and there's no workshops in my area, and that I feel like I'm not even chasing a dream but that I'm just plain stupid.

Either I've found my "calling" (or at least my talent, though I can't tell for sure since I haven't even tried it yet!!!) too late in life, or by the time I get enough money to see it realized, it will be too late to be of "therapeutic value" to me.

Which brings me to today. This whole week I've been pouring over the internet finding nothing that I want and everything that I can't have, and I'm tired of it. Top that off with kids who care nothing about my creative desires, or at least not yet since they can't comprehend much beyond their combined 3 years of life, and I'm going nuts again.

Give me a friend (who has hours to talk to me), give me a kiln, or give me something that I can do that will give me a break worth something....Sure I could go on a walk. Then I come home. I could work out, but then I'd need a new pair of jeans. I could write, but I never find the right words due to my lack of vocabulary. I actually enjoyed the Sculpey until the last project which crumbled to pieces. And I'd try some more, lengthening the cooking time, but truth is, I get tired of using armatures for sculpting. I can't truly sculpt around something...but Sculpey slumps in the oven if you don't support it properly...something REAL clay won't do. I could actually sculpt anything with real clay, and put it into the kiln the same way it comes out...no super glue needed to piece it together, just some slip before it dries and goes into the kiln.

*sigh*

And I know none of this matters in the "big picture." I have a great family, healthy and happy. I have a nice home, food on my table. Why should I want soooo bad something I don't need?

And I do blame TV some. It's my fault I watch it. You would think everyone and their brother (or sister) owns a kiln by watching Crafters Coast to Coast. And I know that obviously they find people who craft a lot, but still. There are ceramic kilns, glass kilns, etc. in the homes of many of those people. And I just want to know how they did it. Did they wait for years, save up? Go into debt? Some of these people have hundreds of dollars in paper supplies for scrapbooking, etc. It's unbelievable.

I think that people in general must have been happier before advertising came into being. I mean, here is a house wife with a farmer for a husband. They both work hard, do with what they have. Then she sees a commercial for a kitchen gadget and the clean, smiling house wife who obviously enjoys her duties more than she, and then comes the husband dressed in clean slacks and a tie, and this woman wonders why her hubby can't dress up more often. Never mind that this didn't bother her yesterday. She didn't know yesterday that one could look so good if one had that particular kitchen gadget, and she didn't know that other husbands dressed so nice at home.

And that's how I feel. I was fine until I knew. Like Eve with the apple, I want to take a bite! And it's getting to me! I don't blame her a bit. I'm not good at saying no to temptation. I'm not a patient person. And perhaps both indicate my lack of consistency with meeting with my Master Potter.

I should start there...looking up those verses about how God will test us in the fire...similar I suppose to the way a potter puts his pots into the fire...I will have to think on this.

But for now, Boom is finally home and supper is about half an hour late (I don't usually make it ahead of time, now I know why ;) ) and I must go.