Monday, December 17, 2007

There Are Days...

Lately I find myself in a constant struggle between trying to cherish the moments I have with my babies and at the same time wanting it to be over with so they are two years old and I can enjoy them so much more.

Ever since my firstborn entered this world, I have had the realization that not all babies are born equal. And mine seem to be on the side of the scale known as "high needs." My son wasn't near as bad, but he still required walking most of the day (NOT in a sling, thank you, apparently) and nursing much at night.

But with the twins, it was unthinkable to me once they came out that I'd have to handle this DOUBLE time. And yet here I am...

And my little girl has all of a sudden, and I mean sudden as in the past week only, become JUST LIKE HER SISTER.

She now is fussy most of the time, has stopped sleeping at night and after I nurse her I can't put her down without expecting her to cry a few minutes later only to end up nursing again as anything else just won't do (and this from a baby who a week ago would REFUSE to nurse at night when not hungry!)

She went from falling asleep in the car seat to screaming in it the whole entire ride (and no, pacifiers won't even go near her mouth...her sonic scream scares them, apparently.)

And so I'm back to anxious nights where I don't know after I put them down if I can enjoy a movie, some time alone, or some couple time with Boom before I begin to here her whimper which turns to screaming in 3 short seconds. Will it be 10 minutes after I put her down? 20? Or maybe a whole hour or two?

Who knows. But one thing I do know - it WILL end. Eventually. After she's a year old and I night wean her, which will also involve crying, I'm sure. And if she's at all like her sister, even at 2 years old she'll be quite high maintenance, and I'm not looking forward to it.

But I do enjoy her smiles. She is such a sweetheart beneath it all. And I know it's not her fault.

But sometimes I wonder if it IS mine. I mean, I know technically it can't be (my two boys are SO not that tempermental!) But yet when I see other people with easy babies and kids, I have to wonder why mine AREN'T that way. Why can't I have the baby, just once, who takes a pacifier and who loves a car ride (since I DO travel home, ya know!) and who doesn't mind sleeping without a break? Or who enjoys playing for hours on end without being walked back and forth endlessy?

And so I know that I will be glad when they are older and I know for sure there will be no more. Not because I haven't enjoyed my children, but to be honest, because my babies are very hard work and I'm wore out. I want to enjoy my kids, and more babies would be less enjoying my older ones. As it is, my two oldest pretty much do their own thing all day right now, and I hate that I'm not part of it. I can't wait to join in again.

And as for my sister, the twins are home and doing well. They had a rough time at first with the one girl in the NICU for a couple of days where they fed her formula though they wouldn't let my sister nurse, and my sister developed a spinal headache, then both twins were low on weight so they were told to supplement, which led to nipple confusion, and then they all developed thrush, and one had bad jaundice. So there's the summary.

But now I think they are doing well. Weight is us, jaundice was gone, no more supplementing, and thrush (last I heard) is going away. But I will say it does, unfortunately, affirm the reasons why I choose to stay away from the hospital....

And now I must once again hit the sack, and hope for a few hours before I parent my child in bed, because it really ISN'T her fault, and even if it were, there's not a lot I can do about it (believe me, crying it out will not work for her type - just ask her sister!)