Sunday, September 23, 2007

In Which I Compare Myself To A Hobbit

Okay. Big breath. Why? Because I am sitting alone and not holding someone. Not holding someone and not doing housework. Which doesn't happen often right now.

I have so many thoughts I could post about. But where to start? Do I talk about my fears of having everything anyone could want, and thus someday, maybe not today, but someday it will be taken from me. Something will go wrong. One of my children, or my husband, will die. Or I will die.

Do I talk about my torn desire to just have one baby when I obviously wouldn't want to be rid of either one of the twins. But to be able to go to the playground, play with my kids, shop in a store. Things I could do with one baby but are plain impossible with two (who are both exclusively nursing, won't take a pacifier, and of course have two older siblings under the age of five still.)

Or do I talk about my selfish dreams of still doing something someday that's just for ME? Of selling clay whistles and corn husk dolls. Of potting and playing for the fun of it.

But maybe I could mention my worry about homeschooling, especially un-schooling, as I hope to do with all my kids till they turn 12 or so. Will I be able to do it? Do it well? Will I have the time to file the necessary paperwork required by law?

Instead let me just mention breifly (so I can go to sleep while I can) what it feels like right now to be caring for two newborns instead of one (and thank you, Lord, for not giving me three, blessings though they are. And bless those you HAVE given three or more with extra hands they surely need!)

First, imagine an 11 or so pound weight in each hand. Or more accurately, arm. Because this weight is roughly odd shaped and is approximately 22 inches long, say 10 inches wide, and a few inches thick. Not as easy as a dumbell, eh? But that's not all. Now picture said weight to wiggle and squirm and occasionally throw itself away from your body as both are pretty unstable little things. A little tougher, now, right? But then add the bout of crying in there, or the dead weight of one sleeping until you feel it's safe to put it down, and you'll get the general idea.

And then picture this pattern repeated several times a day from 7 AM to 9 PM and you know what I feel like. My arms are sore. Very sore. My legs are sore from the walking and standing and my knees make me feel like a geriatric. Because my kids don't stand for sitting in a car seat all day staring around them or playing with their toes. My kids never have.

From the time Pumpkin was born we have been walking our kids. It's what they've required from us. And it's my dues, I guess. But it's SO much harder with two.

And here's where the Hobbit part comes in. You know how hungry you get from nursing one newborn? I used to starve if I didn't eat at least every 2 hours. SOMETHING. I would shake eventually from the low blood sugar. Same thing when I'm pregnant.

So imagine TWO nurslings! I feel like a hobbit with their second breakfasts and lunches and so on. I am always eating, or wishing to eat. And the babies are growing quite well, thank you.

It's funny how this was the one pregnancy where I didn't have prenatal vitamins (just stopped taking them and haven't started back up) and yet the babies were healthy in utero, especially being twins, went full term, and are bigger than Pumpkin was at their age. Amazing the way God made our bodies.

And that's where I'll stop. Because my brain no longer functions very well. So all my great thoughts are lost on my echoing mind during those moments when I'm walking half of my children around the house and by now I can barely remember what I'm daydreaming about as I fall to sleep. At least that's the one thing I can do better than before I had the twins. I can sleep. No insomnia or pain here, thank goodness.

And so, Good Night. Sleep well.