Ode to Dirt Roads

Anyone who comments about dirt roads being scenic and a necessary part of country life hasn't driven on them as much as I have.

Now, for some reason Boom used to actually LIKE the dirt roads. We used to visit here from Pittsburgh and he would lighten up like a school boy when we hit the dirt. I'm sure a lot of it was because it sparked memories of his high school life of speeding and getting stuck in ditches, and of baw-hawing through fields, and of cows in the road, and other fun things like that.

But now, he knows better. He knows dirt roads aren't kind to your body as you jolt every joint and all your organs flop around inside of you. He knows dirt roads aren't kind to your car, which needs replaced almost yearly due to the wear and tear caused by the stupid roads, and I know that I'd rather pay those mile-high taxes that New York state has because the minute you hit their state you know by the smooth pavement and easy driving.

For those of you who don't have the luxury of driving frequently on dirt roads, I'll tell you all about them.

First off, dirt roads are DIRTY. Or, more accurately, they are dusty. In the middle of summer you can see a car go by a mile away due to the huge cloud of dust that comes up off the road. I'm surprised there's any road left by the amount of dust that leaves and blows inevitably towards your home and fills your house with dust so much so that you probably consume more dust than the average vacuum cleaner. Your car is also covered in dust because of course you don't have air conditioning and thus the windows are open to help you bare the high humidity, and you no longer remember the color of your dashboard due to the thickness of the brown dust. In fact, scientists would probably date your car to be from around the Crustacean period based on the layer of dust found in the back of you car.

Second, when dirt roads AREN'T dusty, it's because they have been covered with oil, or doused with rain, each of which carry their unique properties into your home.

For some reason, instead of paving, we country folks have this bright idea that in order to calm the dust in front of houses, we'll just pour a lot of old, yucky, good-for-nothing oil on the road. Now, what's amazing about this is that I really don't see any point to this. They only pour the oil in front of the house, so when it's windy out (99.9% of the time on the dirt road I lived on) the dust from just before or just after the oil would blow up to the house, anyway.

And then there's the actual oil. Who hasn't been driving along on a nice Spring day when all of a sudden they see that tell tale black spot just ahead and they realize they can't slow down in time because the dirt isn't exactly a swell spot of friction, and so they end up skidding right into the oil spot causing oil to splat upon most of the car and surroundings. Boom used to joke that it was the cheap way to coat his underside of the car, but the truth is that it would be coated whether or not you want it to be. And chances are, it will be more than coated, it will splatter all over the car, creating a brown car (from the dust) with black spots. Of course, as soon as you are off the oil you are driving through loose dust again, which is attracted to the fresh oil like the flies to a hot summer day.

But that's not all. There's more. When not dusty, and when not oily, the roads are inevitably muddy. Now, that may not sound all that horrible, but that's because you've never had to try steering a car (or worse, a rear-wheel drive vehicle) through this stuff. It's like hydroplaning through pudding. You are swerving and sliding and falling off the road, which would fun if you were in an arena with monster trucks and lots of cheering. But you're not. You're late for just about anything and know that the fast you drive the slower you'll get there.

And the equivalent of mud in the winter is slosh. Snow doesn't stay snow very long during a sunny day; it turns to mush. And driving in wet snow is basically as hard as driving in mud, with the added challenge of not being able to see where the edges of the road are, or if you're even ON the road anymore. Of course, sometimes you THINK there is slush on the road. But you're wrong. It's actually ice. Frozen slush, with hard ridges and gullies left by the tracks of all the previous travelers on this road - all three of you. So now you either try to follow the swerving tracks, or else drive in a straight line (how foolish!) and let your shocks get the workout of a lifetime over all the bumps.

But again, that's not all. Because in every season, or at least until they grate the road (grate means they loosen up all the dirt so it's dustier and VERY loose to drive on, making even the most experience drivers lose control,) there will be pot holes. And I'm not talking about one pot hole every mile or so. No, I'm talking pot holes that make Swiss Cheese look solid. Trying to avoid the holes will only make you hit more of them at all the wrong angles, and sometimes you wonder if it wouldn't be easier to just drive through the field, after all. Forget trying to lull Junior to sleep in the back seat. You're more likely to need a chiropractor after your journey's over. Except that on the way HOME from the chiropractor, you'd bounce everything out of place again.

And to make it even more fun, when it's snowcovered, the pot holes are completely hidden, making for a most interesting adventure.

And that's the adventure I had yesterday as I drove to a new friend's house. For friend I now hope she is. She started coming to church a few weeks ago, and doesn't have a churched background. But she IS crunchy (as in granola, as in she is more natural-oriented, like myself!) and we have VERY uncanny-how-they're-alike mother-in-laws.

So I guess it was worth the dirt road if I made a new friend. Of course, she lives JUST across the PA/NY border, so that you know you are at her driveway when you hit the blissful smoothness of pavement. Lucky girl...