Once again I find myself caught in the endless trap of trying to be prefectly okay with who I am and where I am in life, and instead comparing myself to others and what they have.
I feel like the school girl I used to be: on the outside of the immature cliques based on hair types or fashionable tee-shirts or other pointless subjects, and me on the outside desperately wanting to fit in.
And yet, even then, I didn't want what they HAD to be a part of the group; I just wanted to be accepted AS I WAS.
As so it's been every since.
My parents did a good job making me feel proud of who I was, despite the fact that they couldn't quite convince me that I was beautiful (Daddy's will always think their little girls are beautiful, just as husbands will always think their wives are beautiful...until ALL men and women think I'm beautiful, I will simply think that my Dad and Hubby are slightly blind...)
But overall, I was okay with who I was as a person. I wasn't fat, nor skinny. I was smart, could be funny, and I consider myself an optimist though I also always consider the worst so that anything that DOES happen is automatically better than the worst.
I didn't WHERE I was going to be in the future, but it didn't bother me. I didn't lie up late at night wondering IF I'd get that job, or WHEN I'd meet that special someone. It would happen SOMEDAY, I believed. In fact, I had that word written in glow-in-the-dark paint on my mirror in my bedroom, and I never once doubted it.
So here I am, with many of my "someday"s already here. I have a great husband, wonderful kids, and I did get to work in my field, though definitely not at my "perfect" job idea.
And yet I find myself SOMETIMES more unhappy than ever before. Mainly because there's so much more riding on the issue than just me. It's my kids' futures at stake.
And so most days (and nights) I'm okay with homebirthing, co-sleeping (and waking up every hour sometimes to nurse), and cloth diapering, and extended nursing, and holding my babies, and homeschooling. Most days I'm okay staying at home and not going on vacations, or out to eat, or buying lots of stuff I would love to have.
But some days, I just want to fit in. Some times I see other moms and wish I was more like them. Even though I wouldn't like to do what they are doing, they seem happy with it, and I think maybe I'd be happier if I did it, too. Though I know I wouldn't be.
Or I feel odd when I'm the only one in the area who co-sleeps and nurses all night long, or walks all four of my kids at once because I'd rather be with them most of the time than without. I know there are groups of women just like me on-line. And thank goodness, or I'd REALLY feel lost. Just knowing they are there and can respond to a post on a forum of crunchy mothers makes me feel not-so-insane again.
But still, I sometimes feel like I'm not in the "in" crowd.
I still don't have a "best" friend. My sister-in-law (sort-of) and my neighbor are about the closest thing to it, and if I had the time, maybe they'd get deeper than they are. And perhaps, if I'm lucky, as time goes on, they WILL get deeper and BECOME that sort of "once in a lifetime" best friend. The one who knows all about you and GETS you. They know what makes you tick and what ticks you off.
It was really very telling when we moved to this house and women were surprised by my art folders. They had no idea I had gone to school for graphic design...after 2 years of knowing me. And yet my neighbor knows me well enough to have brought over a cupcake with fondant sculpted to look like a baby with a blanket and pillow, because she figured I'd like it.
Now THAT's friendship. I only hope I can return the favor sometime, because it meant the world to me that day.
And yet I'm so stuck up on myself and pitying myself that I DON'T think about what I can do for others. I don't even know HOW I'd do anything for lack of keeping myself together lately. I hope it will come in time - this focusing on others more than myself again. I want to share with people and GIVE, not just take.
I want to volunteer and make a difference, and in the process realize how truly blessed I am, because I KNOW I am, I just don't always FEEL I am.
And that's the key. I KNOW I'm okay the way I am and the choices I've made are good ones. I believe in them and they'll work for US. But yet I still find I look outward and compare the choices others have made for THEIR families, and I doubt.
Why can't I accept that what's best for ME and US isn't best for others, and what's best for them isn't okay for us, and that THAT'S OKAY. It really is.
Some people like the color blue, others red, and still others green or yellow or periwinkle. But none of those colors are BETTER or BEST or BAD. And yet I feel that if I don't agree with SOMEONE, then I'm not "cool" or acceptable.
I want to feel connected to others. Some have family to back them up. Others have their history in this area. I have nothing save my own 5 family members here to agree with me. And so I seek outward approval, though logically I know I don't need it.
I feel smug, I admit, when people comment on the twins or me walking with all four kids, because I feel important, set apart. And yet ironically, at the same time, I wish I WASN'T different, but just normal. I can't seem to win.
I dream daily, sometimes hourly, about working in clay. But not just playing in it. I hope, I dream, I pray, that someday, somehow, I'll make enough money with it to at least support my habit if not bring in a little extra for our family. What could be better than making money doing what you love, afterall?
But part of that is also affirmation. If I succeed, if I sell my work, then I am AFFIRMED. I'm approved, accepted, allowed.
I feel like no one takes me seriously (in the pottery world) because I didn't go to school for clay, because I haven't taken ANY class. That I'm a kid playing in the mud.
And so I want to prove them wrong. Prove that like many before me it's more about how hard you work and how determined you are that determines whether you succeed or fail. If I try hard enough and don't give up, and do what it takes, I WILL succeed....SOMEDAY.
But mostly, I just want to be happy with where I'm at now. And from a practical standpoint, logically speaking, I am. I have everything I've ever needed, most of what I've ever wanted, and so much more that I never deserved. There is no reason to look at someone else and be envious, and I wish my mind and heart would just quit. Because I am a VERY BLESSED person. Thank You, Lord.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Monday, April 14, 2008
Another Life Cut Short
Only a year ago I wrote this post: A Mother's Tears, and now I find the words more true than ever as another senior on the brink of life, with her future stretched out before her, died in a car accident over the weekend. And her passenger is still not clear of death's unfair clutches...
Instead of a graduation party, her parents are planning her funeral. Sometimes life is so unfair.
Instead of a graduation party, her parents are planning her funeral. Sometimes life is so unfair.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Just Like Little Adults Sometimes
You that fascination with photocopying one's own buttocks? I don't get it, either. But apparently my 3 year old son does...
He brings me his digital camera (the one I bought him so he'd just poop on the potty already) and is flipping through his pics, and he laughs as he shows me one he took with his pants off. What made him decide to put the camera back there and flash away, I have no idea. But it proves I understand the male mind of a boy just as much as that of his father....
Anyway, my 5 year old meanwhile acts as if she's ARRIVED. The same night I got to view Rugger's derrier, I was about to turn on Survivor, and Pumpkin cocks her head and notes, "Survivor...I used to love that show when I was four" in a voice that says that's SO behind her now...
Birdie, meanwhile, has learned to crawl almost as well as her brother and is realizing that wherever he goes, there's usually something more fun (translated: off limits) to be seen, so you'll often catch her trailing behind him. It's very cute, and I'm really loving this stage right now, despite the still sleepless nights.
Well, I splurged and got a quad stroller so I can walk again. It's been almost a year. Well, basically I stopped walking when the twins were born, so a few more months. But it FEELS like forever. My friend who is pregnant and due in June asked me how I possibly walked during my pregnancy as much as I did (almsot 2 miles almost daily) and especially with twins, since she felt wore out with just one and not walking that much. I told her I honestly didn't know, that perhaps part of me instinctly knew I was going to need to build up my strength for taking care of twins I didn't know were there, yet.
But I DO know it was very difficult. Every day it was a challenge, and every step was a battle. By the time the twins DID come, my lower body was skinnier than it is now. Though I weigh less due to the birth, technically I was skinnier then if you take off the belly.
So I'm ready to get back out there and walk again. I liked the time to think, and the kids love the ride, too. We went two weekends ago when it first got warm out, with the two strollers, and I loved walking that stretch again. The two older ones can only go about a block before they're wore out, so I kept trying to think of a way to walk without depending on someone else, which would be difficult for so many reasons.
And I kept looking for quad strollers within our budget. Most I saw cost over $1,000 and there was no way I was paying that. So when I found one on ebay for less than half, including shipping (which was over a forth of the cost), I just HAD to get it.
It should come early next week, and I can't wait. With these nice days, we've been out on the front porch (so it's like a giant playpen for the babies, as the backyard would be impossible with them eating everything in sight!) and the only thing missing is that walk. I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait!
Let alone the nice weather means I eat less sweets. I just don't crave them as much when I'm happy outside. And the walk...oh, it just cleanses you, you know what I mean?
So, here's to Spring and all the good changes it will bring (school being out soon so Boom can be home, a trip to Pittsburgh - our stomping grounds as a family - including the zoo there, the babies turning a year old, and no more bundling to go outside.)
He brings me his digital camera (the one I bought him so he'd just poop on the potty already) and is flipping through his pics, and he laughs as he shows me one he took with his pants off. What made him decide to put the camera back there and flash away, I have no idea. But it proves I understand the male mind of a boy just as much as that of his father....
Anyway, my 5 year old meanwhile acts as if she's ARRIVED. The same night I got to view Rugger's derrier, I was about to turn on Survivor, and Pumpkin cocks her head and notes, "Survivor...I used to love that show when I was four" in a voice that says that's SO behind her now...
Birdie, meanwhile, has learned to crawl almost as well as her brother and is realizing that wherever he goes, there's usually something more fun (translated: off limits) to be seen, so you'll often catch her trailing behind him. It's very cute, and I'm really loving this stage right now, despite the still sleepless nights.
Well, I splurged and got a quad stroller so I can walk again. It's been almost a year. Well, basically I stopped walking when the twins were born, so a few more months. But it FEELS like forever. My friend who is pregnant and due in June asked me how I possibly walked during my pregnancy as much as I did (almsot 2 miles almost daily) and especially with twins, since she felt wore out with just one and not walking that much. I told her I honestly didn't know, that perhaps part of me instinctly knew I was going to need to build up my strength for taking care of twins I didn't know were there, yet.
But I DO know it was very difficult. Every day it was a challenge, and every step was a battle. By the time the twins DID come, my lower body was skinnier than it is now. Though I weigh less due to the birth, technically I was skinnier then if you take off the belly.
So I'm ready to get back out there and walk again. I liked the time to think, and the kids love the ride, too. We went two weekends ago when it first got warm out, with the two strollers, and I loved walking that stretch again. The two older ones can only go about a block before they're wore out, so I kept trying to think of a way to walk without depending on someone else, which would be difficult for so many reasons.
And I kept looking for quad strollers within our budget. Most I saw cost over $1,000 and there was no way I was paying that. So when I found one on ebay for less than half, including shipping (which was over a forth of the cost), I just HAD to get it.
It should come early next week, and I can't wait. With these nice days, we've been out on the front porch (so it's like a giant playpen for the babies, as the backyard would be impossible with them eating everything in sight!) and the only thing missing is that walk. I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait!
Let alone the nice weather means I eat less sweets. I just don't crave them as much when I'm happy outside. And the walk...oh, it just cleanses you, you know what I mean?
So, here's to Spring and all the good changes it will bring (school being out soon so Boom can be home, a trip to Pittsburgh - our stomping grounds as a family - including the zoo there, the babies turning a year old, and no more bundling to go outside.)
Thursday, April 03, 2008
Six Word Memoir
I was tagged by Thicket Dweller, so here it is:
I'm sandwiched between memories, dreams.
Not exactly Nobel worthy, but there ya go. My attempt on few hours of sleep and very little sanity.
I don't know who to tag because no one reads this blog! But thank you, Thicket, for tagging me just the same! It made my day to think you cared :)
I'm sandwiched between memories, dreams.
Not exactly Nobel worthy, but there ya go. My attempt on few hours of sleep and very little sanity.
I don't know who to tag because no one reads this blog! But thank you, Thicket, for tagging me just the same! It made my day to think you cared :)
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
On the Move!
Stray paper, pencils, crayons and kleenexes, beware! The girl has learned to crawl!
Booger (new nickname for the boy, and Birdie for the girl) has been crawling for over a month now, but his jealous sister had only mastered the backward's push and would cry in frustration as everyone around her moved with ease.
But no more. Today she actually crossed the entire room. By herself. And clapped for herself with pride!
It's so cute how these two are so their own person that many times I forget that they are considered twins. Of course, physically speaking they only share the dame DNA that their siblings share, and are only twins by the fact they shared a womb, so it should be no surprise that they are individuals. But at the same time, it's neat to see it so starkly when they are side-by-side.
Booger likes to move and is always smiling. My flirt. His tongue hangs out in mischief and glee. His brown eyes melt your heart and his smile warms it up. Birdie loves to smile big and yet is shy around strangers, hiding her face in my shirt. She loves to clap and put blankets over her head to hide her face. She is loud and her tears can drive you crazy, but her blue eyes light up the room when she's happy.
Rugger meanwhile is still as helpful as ever, and is the world's best big brother. He and Pumpkin can't wait for the twins to "grow up" and play, and frankly I can't either. Spring is calling, but for now we'll be limited on our outdoor excursions due to the babies insane desire to eat everything in site, be it ladybugs or rotting leaves, or possible dog poop if they find it. So we'll stick to the porch for this year, with walks inbetween.
I think the light is finally shining on this whole twins thing. At first it was SO very hard for me to process the shock and the reality of having TWO babies when we weren't totally prepared for even ONE baby. But now that they are here they both add they're own charm and love to our world, and I look forward to each moment with them. It's still tough, as it will be, but it's also more of a pleasure now that they are becoming a little more independent.
Even as I type this, they are racing each other on their chubby hands and knees, and I know this is the part of babyhood I'll miss the most. 8 months (9 in a few days!) is that turning point for me, and they become...I don't know how to explain it...more? More understanding of their world. More able to communicate. More fun to play with. More of a person that you can get to know.
Booger has figured out how to make a whistle sound when blowing air through a recorder, and Birdie will buzz away on the kazoo. Booger opens and closes doors just to see them swing on their hinges, and Birdie will tear a Kleenex to shreds for the sheer pleasure of ripping something.
Pumpkin has begun asking me why she won't be going to school, and I'm trying the best I can to explain it to her. She must have heard me explain un-schooling a few too many times, though, because she's determined to learn to read "on her own," which means I can't tell her what any words say. Of course, I tried explaining that SOMEONE has to tell her the word, she can't just make it up in her mind, but she insists that she'll learn on her own.
Oh, well. I hope she eventually starts to ask me, or I might start prodding a little more.
****************
On a separate note, though I'm not doing as much as I like, I have been reading the books for our monthly book club, and one that I LOVED was The Book Thief by Markus Zusak. It's set in World War II in Molching, Germany and is narrated by Death himself. A very captivating book which had me in tears long before the story ended. I don't buy every book I like (I'd own the library!) but I bought this one. So if you haven't read it, do.
And now I must go for the day.
Booger (new nickname for the boy, and Birdie for the girl) has been crawling for over a month now, but his jealous sister had only mastered the backward's push and would cry in frustration as everyone around her moved with ease.
But no more. Today she actually crossed the entire room. By herself. And clapped for herself with pride!
It's so cute how these two are so their own person that many times I forget that they are considered twins. Of course, physically speaking they only share the dame DNA that their siblings share, and are only twins by the fact they shared a womb, so it should be no surprise that they are individuals. But at the same time, it's neat to see it so starkly when they are side-by-side.
Booger likes to move and is always smiling. My flirt. His tongue hangs out in mischief and glee. His brown eyes melt your heart and his smile warms it up. Birdie loves to smile big and yet is shy around strangers, hiding her face in my shirt. She loves to clap and put blankets over her head to hide her face. She is loud and her tears can drive you crazy, but her blue eyes light up the room when she's happy.
Rugger meanwhile is still as helpful as ever, and is the world's best big brother. He and Pumpkin can't wait for the twins to "grow up" and play, and frankly I can't either. Spring is calling, but for now we'll be limited on our outdoor excursions due to the babies insane desire to eat everything in site, be it ladybugs or rotting leaves, or possible dog poop if they find it. So we'll stick to the porch for this year, with walks inbetween.
I think the light is finally shining on this whole twins thing. At first it was SO very hard for me to process the shock and the reality of having TWO babies when we weren't totally prepared for even ONE baby. But now that they are here they both add they're own charm and love to our world, and I look forward to each moment with them. It's still tough, as it will be, but it's also more of a pleasure now that they are becoming a little more independent.
Even as I type this, they are racing each other on their chubby hands and knees, and I know this is the part of babyhood I'll miss the most. 8 months (9 in a few days!) is that turning point for me, and they become...I don't know how to explain it...more? More understanding of their world. More able to communicate. More fun to play with. More of a person that you can get to know.
Booger has figured out how to make a whistle sound when blowing air through a recorder, and Birdie will buzz away on the kazoo. Booger opens and closes doors just to see them swing on their hinges, and Birdie will tear a Kleenex to shreds for the sheer pleasure of ripping something.
Pumpkin has begun asking me why she won't be going to school, and I'm trying the best I can to explain it to her. She must have heard me explain un-schooling a few too many times, though, because she's determined to learn to read "on her own," which means I can't tell her what any words say. Of course, I tried explaining that SOMEONE has to tell her the word, she can't just make it up in her mind, but she insists that she'll learn on her own.
Oh, well. I hope she eventually starts to ask me, or I might start prodding a little more.
****************
On a separate note, though I'm not doing as much as I like, I have been reading the books for our monthly book club, and one that I LOVED was The Book Thief by Markus Zusak. It's set in World War II in Molching, Germany and is narrated by Death himself. A very captivating book which had me in tears long before the story ended. I don't buy every book I like (I'd own the library!) but I bought this one. So if you haven't read it, do.
And now I must go for the day.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Running On Fumes
It’s that time of year. It’s that stage of parenting. It’s that stage of babyhood.
Either way, I’m running on empty. I’m exhausted. Not tired. Just purely, completely, exhausted.
The babies don’t nap often, sometimes not at all. Normal for my kids, it’s just there’s two at once now. They don’t sleep through the night anymore, also normal, but again, two times the wakings. All the kids have had colds (thank goodness no stomach bugs yet this year) and now I, too, had a bad cold complete with fever and even a back spasm thrown in for good measure.
Which meant my mom coming out to help two babies who wanted only Mommy. And now my back is still sore from not resting enough, and I really have no idea how or if it will ever recover before these two turn two years old. I mean, I always carried my kids until they were over 2…
And it’s March and I want Spring to be here. And I want to go on a dinner date with my husband without babies, which won’t be happening. Because the babies are two instead of one and there’s few who can handle all four kids. Because I never pumped due to nursing on both sides at once ever 2 hours or less. Because they’ve never even touched bottles. Because we don’t trust the grandparents in town and the other ones are too far away to have bonded REALLY closely with the babies enough to leave them for 3 hours.
I tried. Two weeks ago, and I came home to crying babies after just 2 hours. So I know. I’m not even guessing.
And right now, it sucks. I just want a small break. Just a small one. One night of sleep would be nice. One meal without all the chaos. One day without me feeling like no one got enough of me and I’ll never do anything I desire to do with my kids ever again.
I know this too shall pass, but today, I’m just done. And yet I go on…
Either way, I’m running on empty. I’m exhausted. Not tired. Just purely, completely, exhausted.
The babies don’t nap often, sometimes not at all. Normal for my kids, it’s just there’s two at once now. They don’t sleep through the night anymore, also normal, but again, two times the wakings. All the kids have had colds (thank goodness no stomach bugs yet this year) and now I, too, had a bad cold complete with fever and even a back spasm thrown in for good measure.
Which meant my mom coming out to help two babies who wanted only Mommy. And now my back is still sore from not resting enough, and I really have no idea how or if it will ever recover before these two turn two years old. I mean, I always carried my kids until they were over 2…
And it’s March and I want Spring to be here. And I want to go on a dinner date with my husband without babies, which won’t be happening. Because the babies are two instead of one and there’s few who can handle all four kids. Because I never pumped due to nursing on both sides at once ever 2 hours or less. Because they’ve never even touched bottles. Because we don’t trust the grandparents in town and the other ones are too far away to have bonded REALLY closely with the babies enough to leave them for 3 hours.
I tried. Two weeks ago, and I came home to crying babies after just 2 hours. So I know. I’m not even guessing.
And right now, it sucks. I just want a small break. Just a small one. One night of sleep would be nice. One meal without all the chaos. One day without me feeling like no one got enough of me and I’ll never do anything I desire to do with my kids ever again.
I know this too shall pass, but today, I’m just done. And yet I go on…
Friday, February 15, 2008
Letter To A Friend, Whever You Are
Dear Friend,
I wish I knew where you were right now. I wish I knew where life has taken you. How it's possibly changed you. Who you've become. Because in the last several years, I have changed so much, that I can't imagine you haven't changed as well. Maybe you're married, with kids? Maybe a professional in a large city. Maybe living at home doing small jobs.
I don't know. Because you don't tell me. In fact, the last time I spoke with you was over three years ago when by chance we were both in our hometown, me for my Grandma's funeral when my first son was just two weeks old. Before that, you last saw me at the baby shower for my daughter. You gave me your temporary address, said you wanted to see a football game that Boom would coach, and off you went.
I sent you the schedule, along with a comic strip you wanted, and waited. I called and left a message, and waited. And I'm still waiting. Though why, I'm not sure. I even sent you an invitation to my baby shower last year, back before I knew they were twins. I don't even know if the letter got to you as I sent it to the only address I had of where your parents used to live. But it never came back...and neither did you.
I should block you out of my mind. I try to. It seems you've been able to block me out of yours. But for some reason, I can't. I think of you often. I would love to share my life with you still. I'd tell you all about my kids, my love for clay, and my dreams. That's the one thing we shared so well - our dreams. Not GOALS, mind you, but dreams. Things that are possible and so never given up on. Goal may not be reached, but dreams...dreams are always obtainable.
I wonder what you'd think of me and my lifestyle and choices now. I know I'm not perfect, but I'd like to think that I've changed for the better over the last several years. Life has a way of doing that to you. Kids and circumstances have changed the way I think about so many things.
Would you be shocked at how I nurse to candidly? Probably not. At how I sleep with my children? Maybe. At how I've chosen to home school, and even UNschool? Probably.
But I'll never know. When I go on walks I picture you beside me and us talking. I'd like to think you'd like the person I've become. A little less judgmental, a more open person. I'd like to think you'd like my kids, if you got to know them.
And that's what hurts. Because you DO know other people's kids. People who weren't by your side for 6 years of your life. People you changed your life for though you only knew them for a short time. And yet you don't even know I have four kids now. I don't even know if you care...
I wish I knew if you finally accepted yourself as a person. If you finally understand that it wasn't something I WAS, but the fact that I LIKED what I was, good or not. You were never second-rate. You just never accepted what you were...
I wish I could just give up on you. Throw you out of my head and be done with it. But part of me misses what we had. Despite our differences, we shared so many things and you will forever be a great part of my past. I just wish I knew what drove you away from my future, and I wish I could apologize. Because I still love you, and I miss you. A good friend is hard to come by. And apparently, a loyal friend is even harder.
I wish I knew where you were right now. I wish I knew where life has taken you. How it's possibly changed you. Who you've become. Because in the last several years, I have changed so much, that I can't imagine you haven't changed as well. Maybe you're married, with kids? Maybe a professional in a large city. Maybe living at home doing small jobs.
I don't know. Because you don't tell me. In fact, the last time I spoke with you was over three years ago when by chance we were both in our hometown, me for my Grandma's funeral when my first son was just two weeks old. Before that, you last saw me at the baby shower for my daughter. You gave me your temporary address, said you wanted to see a football game that Boom would coach, and off you went.
I sent you the schedule, along with a comic strip you wanted, and waited. I called and left a message, and waited. And I'm still waiting. Though why, I'm not sure. I even sent you an invitation to my baby shower last year, back before I knew they were twins. I don't even know if the letter got to you as I sent it to the only address I had of where your parents used to live. But it never came back...and neither did you.
I should block you out of my mind. I try to. It seems you've been able to block me out of yours. But for some reason, I can't. I think of you often. I would love to share my life with you still. I'd tell you all about my kids, my love for clay, and my dreams. That's the one thing we shared so well - our dreams. Not GOALS, mind you, but dreams. Things that are possible and so never given up on. Goal may not be reached, but dreams...dreams are always obtainable.
I wonder what you'd think of me and my lifestyle and choices now. I know I'm not perfect, but I'd like to think that I've changed for the better over the last several years. Life has a way of doing that to you. Kids and circumstances have changed the way I think about so many things.
Would you be shocked at how I nurse to candidly? Probably not. At how I sleep with my children? Maybe. At how I've chosen to home school, and even UNschool? Probably.
But I'll never know. When I go on walks I picture you beside me and us talking. I'd like to think you'd like the person I've become. A little less judgmental, a more open person. I'd like to think you'd like my kids, if you got to know them.
And that's what hurts. Because you DO know other people's kids. People who weren't by your side for 6 years of your life. People you changed your life for though you only knew them for a short time. And yet you don't even know I have four kids now. I don't even know if you care...
I wish I knew if you finally accepted yourself as a person. If you finally understand that it wasn't something I WAS, but the fact that I LIKED what I was, good or not. You were never second-rate. You just never accepted what you were...
I wish I could just give up on you. Throw you out of my head and be done with it. But part of me misses what we had. Despite our differences, we shared so many things and you will forever be a great part of my past. I just wish I knew what drove you away from my future, and I wish I could apologize. Because I still love you, and I miss you. A good friend is hard to come by. And apparently, a loyal friend is even harder.
Monday, December 17, 2007
There Are Days...
Lately I find myself in a constant struggle between trying to cherish the moments I have with my babies and at the same time wanting it to be over with so they are two years old and I can enjoy them so much more.
Ever since my firstborn entered this world, I have had the realization that not all babies are born equal. And mine seem to be on the side of the scale known as "high needs." My son wasn't near as bad, but he still required walking most of the day (NOT in a sling, thank you, apparently) and nursing much at night.
But with the twins, it was unthinkable to me once they came out that I'd have to handle this DOUBLE time. And yet here I am...
And my little girl has all of a sudden, and I mean sudden as in the past week only, become JUST LIKE HER SISTER.
She now is fussy most of the time, has stopped sleeping at night and after I nurse her I can't put her down without expecting her to cry a few minutes later only to end up nursing again as anything else just won't do (and this from a baby who a week ago would REFUSE to nurse at night when not hungry!)
She went from falling asleep in the car seat to screaming in it the whole entire ride (and no, pacifiers won't even go near her mouth...her sonic scream scares them, apparently.)
And so I'm back to anxious nights where I don't know after I put them down if I can enjoy a movie, some time alone, or some couple time with Boom before I begin to here her whimper which turns to screaming in 3 short seconds. Will it be 10 minutes after I put her down? 20? Or maybe a whole hour or two?
Who knows. But one thing I do know - it WILL end. Eventually. After she's a year old and I night wean her, which will also involve crying, I'm sure. And if she's at all like her sister, even at 2 years old she'll be quite high maintenance, and I'm not looking forward to it.
But I do enjoy her smiles. She is such a sweetheart beneath it all. And I know it's not her fault.
But sometimes I wonder if it IS mine. I mean, I know technically it can't be (my two boys are SO not that tempermental!) But yet when I see other people with easy babies and kids, I have to wonder why mine AREN'T that way. Why can't I have the baby, just once, who takes a pacifier and who loves a car ride (since I DO travel home, ya know!) and who doesn't mind sleeping without a break? Or who enjoys playing for hours on end without being walked back and forth endlessy?
And so I know that I will be glad when they are older and I know for sure there will be no more. Not because I haven't enjoyed my children, but to be honest, because my babies are very hard work and I'm wore out. I want to enjoy my kids, and more babies would be less enjoying my older ones. As it is, my two oldest pretty much do their own thing all day right now, and I hate that I'm not part of it. I can't wait to join in again.
And as for my sister, the twins are home and doing well. They had a rough time at first with the one girl in the NICU for a couple of days where they fed her formula though they wouldn't let my sister nurse, and my sister developed a spinal headache, then both twins were low on weight so they were told to supplement, which led to nipple confusion, and then they all developed thrush, and one had bad jaundice. So there's the summary.
But now I think they are doing well. Weight is us, jaundice was gone, no more supplementing, and thrush (last I heard) is going away. But I will say it does, unfortunately, affirm the reasons why I choose to stay away from the hospital....
And now I must once again hit the sack, and hope for a few hours before I parent my child in bed, because it really ISN'T her fault, and even if it were, there's not a lot I can do about it (believe me, crying it out will not work for her type - just ask her sister!)
Ever since my firstborn entered this world, I have had the realization that not all babies are born equal. And mine seem to be on the side of the scale known as "high needs." My son wasn't near as bad, but he still required walking most of the day (NOT in a sling, thank you, apparently) and nursing much at night.
But with the twins, it was unthinkable to me once they came out that I'd have to handle this DOUBLE time. And yet here I am...
And my little girl has all of a sudden, and I mean sudden as in the past week only, become JUST LIKE HER SISTER.
She now is fussy most of the time, has stopped sleeping at night and after I nurse her I can't put her down without expecting her to cry a few minutes later only to end up nursing again as anything else just won't do (and this from a baby who a week ago would REFUSE to nurse at night when not hungry!)
She went from falling asleep in the car seat to screaming in it the whole entire ride (and no, pacifiers won't even go near her mouth...her sonic scream scares them, apparently.)
And so I'm back to anxious nights where I don't know after I put them down if I can enjoy a movie, some time alone, or some couple time with Boom before I begin to here her whimper which turns to screaming in 3 short seconds. Will it be 10 minutes after I put her down? 20? Or maybe a whole hour or two?
Who knows. But one thing I do know - it WILL end. Eventually. After she's a year old and I night wean her, which will also involve crying, I'm sure. And if she's at all like her sister, even at 2 years old she'll be quite high maintenance, and I'm not looking forward to it.
But I do enjoy her smiles. She is such a sweetheart beneath it all. And I know it's not her fault.
But sometimes I wonder if it IS mine. I mean, I know technically it can't be (my two boys are SO not that tempermental!) But yet when I see other people with easy babies and kids, I have to wonder why mine AREN'T that way. Why can't I have the baby, just once, who takes a pacifier and who loves a car ride (since I DO travel home, ya know!) and who doesn't mind sleeping without a break? Or who enjoys playing for hours on end without being walked back and forth endlessy?
And so I know that I will be glad when they are older and I know for sure there will be no more. Not because I haven't enjoyed my children, but to be honest, because my babies are very hard work and I'm wore out. I want to enjoy my kids, and more babies would be less enjoying my older ones. As it is, my two oldest pretty much do their own thing all day right now, and I hate that I'm not part of it. I can't wait to join in again.
And as for my sister, the twins are home and doing well. They had a rough time at first with the one girl in the NICU for a couple of days where they fed her formula though they wouldn't let my sister nurse, and my sister developed a spinal headache, then both twins were low on weight so they were told to supplement, which led to nipple confusion, and then they all developed thrush, and one had bad jaundice. So there's the summary.
But now I think they are doing well. Weight is us, jaundice was gone, no more supplementing, and thrush (last I heard) is going away. But I will say it does, unfortunately, affirm the reasons why I choose to stay away from the hospital....
And now I must once again hit the sack, and hope for a few hours before I parent my child in bed, because it really ISN'T her fault, and even if it were, there's not a lot I can do about it (believe me, crying it out will not work for her type - just ask her sister!)
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Business of Birthing
Wow. Tonight was a blast. And I just wish everyone could experience these feelings...
Ricki Lake made a documentary about women and birthing, hospitals and homebirths. The are showing screenings all over the place, and one happened to be held about an hour and a half from here, so my midwife e-mailed me and told me about it and I went with her and my doula and met up with my other midwife who was speaking on the forum afterwards.
I was so afraid the twins would be restless and fussy, as they are at that age (almost 5 months!) where they can't do what they want to do, yet, but aren't always happy with you doing it for them, and get bored too easily. Especially after last night's cell group at church where I had to leave the room to calm them down, I thought I must be nuts for wanting to go to a movie screening just because I wanted to meet other women who thought like me...
But I am SO glad I did!
There was about 70 or so people there, mostly college age girls (it was put on by a girl at the college who's training to be a nurse midwife.) The movie was great and well done. Got a lot of responses verbally during the showing (like gasps, laughter, etc.)
During the single C-section scene, the whole room filled with "Ooh..." "Uhhh" "Augh!" They were completely turned off by it. Even after watching several shots of naked women moaning and laboring and birthing their babies, this scene was the first to get a negative response, which I thought was great.
I think it was neat that these girls can see a different side of the American myth that has become the norm in child bearing. That the one great power we as women possess, and that was given to us by God, has been taken away from us in the name of empowerment, ironically. That there are different, better ways of introducing your children to the world.
One point that made me feel better about our births was that many people research cars, houses, etc. and spend lots of money on them. Wouldn't you think it's also wise to research birth and spend money on the one time-event of your child entering this world? To get the outcome that you want, you may have to pay out of pocket, even when insurance would cover a hospital birth. But to me, it WAS worth it. Every penny.
And yet people think we're selfish, like we are putting our desire for this most natural high ahead of our desire for a healthy baby. Yet the two go hand in hand, and often without this natural high the healthy baby only comes after great cost, whether to the baby or else the mother, even if the doctors brush it off.
Anyway, afterwards they were asking questions, and my doula pointed me out, and so the one girl asked that when we discovered we were having twins, how did that play into my decisions to birth at home...and of course my one midwife up front said, "Do not answer that question!" But I did, and explained we didn't know we were having twins...and that not all midwives would do twin home births.
Then as everyone filed out, three different midwives stopped to chat with me, as well as another mom who homebirthed, whose husband was there and also spoke up. (a girl asked how to get her fiance on board with homebirth since he was scared of the idea. The husband talk about how neat the birth was and such, and I mentioned that men can also be proud to have a wife who births naturally, as well as be a "man" and catch the baby or just plain be there...it's an ego boost for them, as well.)
It was neat to mention the movie, "Birth As We Know It" and get nods. It was neat talking about birthing naturally and not getting comments about how archaic it is. It was neat being in the presence of women who understand saving your placentas.
And best of all, the babies were WONDERFUL!!!
They slept to Union City, we ate McDonald's and they were good, they slept (with some in-car nursing in the car-seats one at a time) the rest of the way to Meadville, and they were quiet and content during the film and afterwards, and fell asleep after nursing them on the pillow, and then woke up happy. Went back to sleep (again with nursing and then a pacifier) on the way to McDonald's, then the girl woke up about 10 minutes before home, then the boy and her were crying as I dropped the doula off just seconds from our house.
So overall, a great evening. And now I must go to bed.
But first, on this day of birthing thought, my sister had her baby girls by C-section (elective, 37 1/2 weeks, due to many factors.) They are both healthy and mom is doing fine, first girl was 6 lbs 12 oz. 19.25 inches long, and the second one was 5 lbs. 6 oz. and 18.75 inches long. I guess as of tonight the first baby still has not nursed, and there is fluid in her lungs (chest x-ray confirmed) so I'm not sure if she's in the NICU or not, but were praying not since they'd keep here there 48 hours minimum if she's admitted.
And hopefully I'll update soon, but for now, I must go to bed.
Ricki Lake made a documentary about women and birthing, hospitals and homebirths. The are showing screenings all over the place, and one happened to be held about an hour and a half from here, so my midwife e-mailed me and told me about it and I went with her and my doula and met up with my other midwife who was speaking on the forum afterwards.
I was so afraid the twins would be restless and fussy, as they are at that age (almost 5 months!) where they can't do what they want to do, yet, but aren't always happy with you doing it for them, and get bored too easily. Especially after last night's cell group at church where I had to leave the room to calm them down, I thought I must be nuts for wanting to go to a movie screening just because I wanted to meet other women who thought like me...
But I am SO glad I did!
There was about 70 or so people there, mostly college age girls (it was put on by a girl at the college who's training to be a nurse midwife.) The movie was great and well done. Got a lot of responses verbally during the showing (like gasps, laughter, etc.)
During the single C-section scene, the whole room filled with "Ooh..." "Uhhh" "Augh!" They were completely turned off by it. Even after watching several shots of naked women moaning and laboring and birthing their babies, this scene was the first to get a negative response, which I thought was great.
I think it was neat that these girls can see a different side of the American myth that has become the norm in child bearing. That the one great power we as women possess, and that was given to us by God, has been taken away from us in the name of empowerment, ironically. That there are different, better ways of introducing your children to the world.
One point that made me feel better about our births was that many people research cars, houses, etc. and spend lots of money on them. Wouldn't you think it's also wise to research birth and spend money on the one time-event of your child entering this world? To get the outcome that you want, you may have to pay out of pocket, even when insurance would cover a hospital birth. But to me, it WAS worth it. Every penny.
And yet people think we're selfish, like we are putting our desire for this most natural high ahead of our desire for a healthy baby. Yet the two go hand in hand, and often without this natural high the healthy baby only comes after great cost, whether to the baby or else the mother, even if the doctors brush it off.
Anyway, afterwards they were asking questions, and my doula pointed me out, and so the one girl asked that when we discovered we were having twins, how did that play into my decisions to birth at home...and of course my one midwife up front said, "Do not answer that question!" But I did, and explained we didn't know we were having twins...and that not all midwives would do twin home births.
Then as everyone filed out, three different midwives stopped to chat with me, as well as another mom who homebirthed, whose husband was there and also spoke up. (a girl asked how to get her fiance on board with homebirth since he was scared of the idea. The husband talk about how neat the birth was and such, and I mentioned that men can also be proud to have a wife who births naturally, as well as be a "man" and catch the baby or just plain be there...it's an ego boost for them, as well.)
It was neat to mention the movie, "Birth As We Know It" and get nods. It was neat talking about birthing naturally and not getting comments about how archaic it is. It was neat being in the presence of women who understand saving your placentas.
And best of all, the babies were WONDERFUL!!!
They slept to Union City, we ate McDonald's and they were good, they slept (with some in-car nursing in the car-seats one at a time) the rest of the way to Meadville, and they were quiet and content during the film and afterwards, and fell asleep after nursing them on the pillow, and then woke up happy. Went back to sleep (again with nursing and then a pacifier) on the way to McDonald's, then the girl woke up about 10 minutes before home, then the boy and her were crying as I dropped the doula off just seconds from our house.
So overall, a great evening. And now I must go to bed.
But first, on this day of birthing thought, my sister had her baby girls by C-section (elective, 37 1/2 weeks, due to many factors.) They are both healthy and mom is doing fine, first girl was 6 lbs 12 oz. 19.25 inches long, and the second one was 5 lbs. 6 oz. and 18.75 inches long. I guess as of tonight the first baby still has not nursed, and there is fluid in her lungs (chest x-ray confirmed) so I'm not sure if she's in the NICU or not, but were praying not since they'd keep here there 48 hours minimum if she's admitted.
And hopefully I'll update soon, but for now, I must go to bed.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
In Which I Compare Myself To A Hobbit
Okay. Big breath. Why? Because I am sitting alone and not holding someone. Not holding someone and not doing housework. Which doesn't happen often right now.
I have so many thoughts I could post about. But where to start? Do I talk about my fears of having everything anyone could want, and thus someday, maybe not today, but someday it will be taken from me. Something will go wrong. One of my children, or my husband, will die. Or I will die.
Do I talk about my torn desire to just have one baby when I obviously wouldn't want to be rid of either one of the twins. But to be able to go to the playground, play with my kids, shop in a store. Things I could do with one baby but are plain impossible with two (who are both exclusively nursing, won't take a pacifier, and of course have two older siblings under the age of five still.)
Or do I talk about my selfish dreams of still doing something someday that's just for ME? Of selling clay whistles and corn husk dolls. Of potting and playing for the fun of it.
But maybe I could mention my worry about homeschooling, especially un-schooling, as I hope to do with all my kids till they turn 12 or so. Will I be able to do it? Do it well? Will I have the time to file the necessary paperwork required by law?
Instead let me just mention breifly (so I can go to sleep while I can) what it feels like right now to be caring for two newborns instead of one (and thank you, Lord, for not giving me three, blessings though they are. And bless those you HAVE given three or more with extra hands they surely need!)
First, imagine an 11 or so pound weight in each hand. Or more accurately, arm. Because this weight is roughly odd shaped and is approximately 22 inches long, say 10 inches wide, and a few inches thick. Not as easy as a dumbell, eh? But that's not all. Now picture said weight to wiggle and squirm and occasionally throw itself away from your body as both are pretty unstable little things. A little tougher, now, right? But then add the bout of crying in there, or the dead weight of one sleeping until you feel it's safe to put it down, and you'll get the general idea.
And then picture this pattern repeated several times a day from 7 AM to 9 PM and you know what I feel like. My arms are sore. Very sore. My legs are sore from the walking and standing and my knees make me feel like a geriatric. Because my kids don't stand for sitting in a car seat all day staring around them or playing with their toes. My kids never have.
From the time Pumpkin was born we have been walking our kids. It's what they've required from us. And it's my dues, I guess. But it's SO much harder with two.
And here's where the Hobbit part comes in. You know how hungry you get from nursing one newborn? I used to starve if I didn't eat at least every 2 hours. SOMETHING. I would shake eventually from the low blood sugar. Same thing when I'm pregnant.
So imagine TWO nurslings! I feel like a hobbit with their second breakfasts and lunches and so on. I am always eating, or wishing to eat. And the babies are growing quite well, thank you.
It's funny how this was the one pregnancy where I didn't have prenatal vitamins (just stopped taking them and haven't started back up) and yet the babies were healthy in utero, especially being twins, went full term, and are bigger than Pumpkin was at their age. Amazing the way God made our bodies.
And that's where I'll stop. Because my brain no longer functions very well. So all my great thoughts are lost on my echoing mind during those moments when I'm walking half of my children around the house and by now I can barely remember what I'm daydreaming about as I fall to sleep. At least that's the one thing I can do better than before I had the twins. I can sleep. No insomnia or pain here, thank goodness.
And so, Good Night. Sleep well.
I have so many thoughts I could post about. But where to start? Do I talk about my fears of having everything anyone could want, and thus someday, maybe not today, but someday it will be taken from me. Something will go wrong. One of my children, or my husband, will die. Or I will die.
Do I talk about my torn desire to just have one baby when I obviously wouldn't want to be rid of either one of the twins. But to be able to go to the playground, play with my kids, shop in a store. Things I could do with one baby but are plain impossible with two (who are both exclusively nursing, won't take a pacifier, and of course have two older siblings under the age of five still.)
Or do I talk about my selfish dreams of still doing something someday that's just for ME? Of selling clay whistles and corn husk dolls. Of potting and playing for the fun of it.
But maybe I could mention my worry about homeschooling, especially un-schooling, as I hope to do with all my kids till they turn 12 or so. Will I be able to do it? Do it well? Will I have the time to file the necessary paperwork required by law?
Instead let me just mention breifly (so I can go to sleep while I can) what it feels like right now to be caring for two newborns instead of one (and thank you, Lord, for not giving me three, blessings though they are. And bless those you HAVE given three or more with extra hands they surely need!)
First, imagine an 11 or so pound weight in each hand. Or more accurately, arm. Because this weight is roughly odd shaped and is approximately 22 inches long, say 10 inches wide, and a few inches thick. Not as easy as a dumbell, eh? But that's not all. Now picture said weight to wiggle and squirm and occasionally throw itself away from your body as both are pretty unstable little things. A little tougher, now, right? But then add the bout of crying in there, or the dead weight of one sleeping until you feel it's safe to put it down, and you'll get the general idea.
And then picture this pattern repeated several times a day from 7 AM to 9 PM and you know what I feel like. My arms are sore. Very sore. My legs are sore from the walking and standing and my knees make me feel like a geriatric. Because my kids don't stand for sitting in a car seat all day staring around them or playing with their toes. My kids never have.
From the time Pumpkin was born we have been walking our kids. It's what they've required from us. And it's my dues, I guess. But it's SO much harder with two.
And here's where the Hobbit part comes in. You know how hungry you get from nursing one newborn? I used to starve if I didn't eat at least every 2 hours. SOMETHING. I would shake eventually from the low blood sugar. Same thing when I'm pregnant.
So imagine TWO nurslings! I feel like a hobbit with their second breakfasts and lunches and so on. I am always eating, or wishing to eat. And the babies are growing quite well, thank you.
It's funny how this was the one pregnancy where I didn't have prenatal vitamins (just stopped taking them and haven't started back up) and yet the babies were healthy in utero, especially being twins, went full term, and are bigger than Pumpkin was at their age. Amazing the way God made our bodies.
And that's where I'll stop. Because my brain no longer functions very well. So all my great thoughts are lost on my echoing mind during those moments when I'm walking half of my children around the house and by now I can barely remember what I'm daydreaming about as I fall to sleep. At least that's the one thing I can do better than before I had the twins. I can sleep. No insomnia or pain here, thank goodness.
And so, Good Night. Sleep well.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Friendly with the Flies
Well, I have some pictures to share for the fun of it. And a story.
Picture my two older children on the front porch swinging fly swatters around and trying to get every bug they see. Then picture my sweet, gentle (yeah, right) daughter saying, "Come here fly...I just want to hug you...I just want to kiss you..."
Then she tells me that she's saying this to the flies because they don't want to be killed....so she's basically admitting to me that she's luring them in to mercilessly kill them...
And then maybe you'll understand why I found this particular figurine amusing:
Here's a picture of Rugger with a birthday present favorite - tractors:
And here's more of the twins:
Picture my two older children on the front porch swinging fly swatters around and trying to get every bug they see. Then picture my sweet, gentle (yeah, right) daughter saying, "Come here fly...I just want to hug you...I just want to kiss you..."
Then she tells me that she's saying this to the flies because they don't want to be killed....so she's basically admitting to me that she's luring them in to mercilessly kill them...
And then maybe you'll understand why I found this particular figurine amusing:
Here's a picture of Rugger with a birthday present favorite - tractors:
And here's more of the twins:
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Proof of My Instincts
Well, here's the link to a response to my own thread asking others who knew they were having twins whether or not they could tell physically yet that there were two in there...
Proof
written February 16, 2007
I wasn't planning on getting an ultrasound this time around since the only OB in my area isn't very friendly to homebirthers and in general isn't the best place to go.
But my midwife knows the signs of twins and if she suspects then we'd verify by ultrasound. I'm not sure how soon she'd know for sure, since I was 17 and a half when she was here and I'll be 21 and a half the next time.
It's just that my fundal height seems to be getting higher quicker than it should, I'm gaining weight quicker, etc. And it's probably all in my head, but I just thought I'd ask and see what you gals felt at this stage.
I definately feel only one baby when I push around on my belly, because you can feel the lump and then it swims away after I've poked it.
But like some of you said, if the other baby (if there was one) was underneath, then I'd not know, anyway.
I actually hope it's NOT twins just because I don't know how I'd handle taking care of two newborns at once, and I have only nursed my other two, never dealt with bottles, so I'd want to with this one, too, and twins make it even harder, etc.
Thanks for the input, though, and congratulations on each of your own double bundles of joy! I hope you all have a healthy and uneventful pregnancy :)
Deb
Proof
written February 16, 2007
I wasn't planning on getting an ultrasound this time around since the only OB in my area isn't very friendly to homebirthers and in general isn't the best place to go.
But my midwife knows the signs of twins and if she suspects then we'd verify by ultrasound. I'm not sure how soon she'd know for sure, since I was 17 and a half when she was here and I'll be 21 and a half the next time.
It's just that my fundal height seems to be getting higher quicker than it should, I'm gaining weight quicker, etc. And it's probably all in my head, but I just thought I'd ask and see what you gals felt at this stage.
I definately feel only one baby when I push around on my belly, because you can feel the lump and then it swims away after I've poked it.
But like some of you said, if the other baby (if there was one) was underneath, then I'd not know, anyway.
I actually hope it's NOT twins just because I don't know how I'd handle taking care of two newborns at once, and I have only nursed my other two, never dealt with bottles, so I'd want to with this one, too, and twins make it even harder, etc.
Thanks for the input, though, and congratulations on each of your own double bundles of joy! I hope you all have a healthy and uneventful pregnancy :)
Deb
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
Birth Story
Okay. I got the story up and you can read it here.
I realize that I also forgot to ever mention that my sister is ALSO due with twins for December. She goes in Friday for an ultrasound and hopefully will know the sex of each.
Here's a pic of the girl and the boy in their Grandma's arms.
I realize that I also forgot to ever mention that my sister is ALSO due with twins for December. She goes in Friday for an ultrasound and hopefully will know the sex of each.
Here's a pic of the girl and the boy in their Grandma's arms.
Friday, July 06, 2007
Suprise - Our Twin Homebirth
I'll have to post a link to an actual birth story later, but since I haven't written one, yet, I can't do that.
But yesterday, at 3:31 pm, Our Daughter entered the world in a waterbirth at 5 lbs. 3 oz. and 19 1/2 inches long. At 4:00 pm she was followed by her surprise twin brother, Our Son at 6 lbs. 3 oz. and 20 inches long.
We (meaning Boom and I) had suspected twins from the beginning, and had even asked the midwives not once, but several times if twins were possible. But I never measured big (even at 36 1/2 weeks I only measured 38 weeks which is normal, especially for a third time mom) and they never detected two hearbeats (in fact, at the last appointment, we had trouble even finding ONE, though the movement was always in excess.)
So when they discovered AFTER delivering our baby girl that there was ANOTHER baby yet inside me, we weren't completely shocked, though at the time we were shocked enough because of course they had ruled out twins (we didn't get an ultrasound this pregnancy for various reasons, though we had wanted to around 20 weeks.)
It quickly became an emergency as his cord was in a prolapse position, and so they decided very quickly that I had to push my baby out NOW.
Thankfully God had his hand in this pregnancy from the beginning, as you'll see once I write the full story. But for now, we are very blessed with TWO HEALTHY newborns, and very busy and a little unbelieving.
But yesterday, at 3:31 pm, Our Daughter entered the world in a waterbirth at 5 lbs. 3 oz. and 19 1/2 inches long. At 4:00 pm she was followed by her surprise twin brother, Our Son at 6 lbs. 3 oz. and 20 inches long.
We (meaning Boom and I) had suspected twins from the beginning, and had even asked the midwives not once, but several times if twins were possible. But I never measured big (even at 36 1/2 weeks I only measured 38 weeks which is normal, especially for a third time mom) and they never detected two hearbeats (in fact, at the last appointment, we had trouble even finding ONE, though the movement was always in excess.)
So when they discovered AFTER delivering our baby girl that there was ANOTHER baby yet inside me, we weren't completely shocked, though at the time we were shocked enough because of course they had ruled out twins (we didn't get an ultrasound this pregnancy for various reasons, though we had wanted to around 20 weeks.)
It quickly became an emergency as his cord was in a prolapse position, and so they decided very quickly that I had to push my baby out NOW.
Thankfully God had his hand in this pregnancy from the beginning, as you'll see once I write the full story. But for now, we are very blessed with TWO HEALTHY newborns, and very busy and a little unbelieving.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Aches & Pains of Life
Well, I guess it had to happen sometime, and relatively speaking this is so minor compared to what could happen, and may happen in the future (live in the moment, plan for the future as my doula says...)
My 4 1/2 year old daughter tripped over a toy while running and broke her little arm. I don't have time to post the whole story, but needless to say this is the first "real" injury any of my kids have had. Boom and I took it harder than she did. She hardly cried, hasn't taken much medicine for any pain, and has been herself this whole time.
The hardest part is the whole "six weeks in a cast" thing. Especially with her being so small and the cast being so LARGE on her little frame. But these things happen, and my mother's heart knows she's okay, but having seen her little arm bent a little too much, and then knowing that her bones have been compromised, it just makes me wish I could keep all of my family safe forever. The wish of every mother, I know.
I am sleeping next to her on an air mattress to help her turn over and such, the first night to help keep her arm elevated. But it turns out the mattress is helping me in another way.
During each pregnancy, I have HORRIBLE hip pain. Not sciatic, but joint pain. My hips, mostly at night after laying sideways, when standing my hips literally go out on me and I have to support my weight by crawling along the side of the bed or sink, etc. After several steps it will finally start to support me, going out every few steps or so. And then as I start my day it will usually be okay until I go to bed again.
Well, this mattress seems to be helping me, as it hasn't been as bad these past couple of nights. Of course, the chiropractor has also been helping me, though more so in my ribs than my hips.
I wouldn't have thought about a rib out of place until someone on the internet mentioned it. I had been having aweful pain in my rib area, both from and back, and the midwives and I concluded it must be muscle pain from my expanding uterus and weight. But even with a belly support (which I wasted money on now) nothing helped. It was depressing me, making me irritated, and I didn't know how I'd make it the rest of this pregnancy, to be honest.
And then I tried the chiropractor. We have a wonderful woman who works local, doesn't take insurance but charges cheap and won't make you pay if you don't have the money, and she is all for homebirthing and such. So I went to her hoping for SOMETHING, and I can't believe the change. It doesn't stay for long (due to ever changing body from pregnancy) but the one day this past week I was in immense pain again, and immediately afterwards I felt so much better and have been since. I fear the weeks when I won't be able to go to her since I'll be "home" in Ohio and then in Indiana for a reunion. Maybe by then the number of adjustments I'll have had will help keep it in shape for that length of time...
Anyway, otherwise this pregnancy is okay, but due to all the pain we know it will be our last, and I'm at peace with that. I just can't do this again. Most people don't choose chronic pain, and in my case I'm such a wimp for CHOOSING pain, that I'd rather enjoy my family as it than expand it and be miserable for months on end, which makes me less of the person I want to be.
But I am walking 2 miles almost every day, which gets harder and harder as I am pushing my kids in the stroller, and they feel heavier and heavier each time. But at least I'm doing it, and I'm hoping that this along with the adjustments will make for an easier labor. One can hope, can't they?
One last thing before I go. Rugger is finally talking. He's using all the words he already knew but never spoke, and has even spoken in 3 word sentences, which puts him right on schedule. It's neat to finally hear what he's been thinking about all this time :)
My 4 1/2 year old daughter tripped over a toy while running and broke her little arm. I don't have time to post the whole story, but needless to say this is the first "real" injury any of my kids have had. Boom and I took it harder than she did. She hardly cried, hasn't taken much medicine for any pain, and has been herself this whole time.
The hardest part is the whole "six weeks in a cast" thing. Especially with her being so small and the cast being so LARGE on her little frame. But these things happen, and my mother's heart knows she's okay, but having seen her little arm bent a little too much, and then knowing that her bones have been compromised, it just makes me wish I could keep all of my family safe forever. The wish of every mother, I know.
I am sleeping next to her on an air mattress to help her turn over and such, the first night to help keep her arm elevated. But it turns out the mattress is helping me in another way.
During each pregnancy, I have HORRIBLE hip pain. Not sciatic, but joint pain. My hips, mostly at night after laying sideways, when standing my hips literally go out on me and I have to support my weight by crawling along the side of the bed or sink, etc. After several steps it will finally start to support me, going out every few steps or so. And then as I start my day it will usually be okay until I go to bed again.
Well, this mattress seems to be helping me, as it hasn't been as bad these past couple of nights. Of course, the chiropractor has also been helping me, though more so in my ribs than my hips.
I wouldn't have thought about a rib out of place until someone on the internet mentioned it. I had been having aweful pain in my rib area, both from and back, and the midwives and I concluded it must be muscle pain from my expanding uterus and weight. But even with a belly support (which I wasted money on now) nothing helped. It was depressing me, making me irritated, and I didn't know how I'd make it the rest of this pregnancy, to be honest.
And then I tried the chiropractor. We have a wonderful woman who works local, doesn't take insurance but charges cheap and won't make you pay if you don't have the money, and she is all for homebirthing and such. So I went to her hoping for SOMETHING, and I can't believe the change. It doesn't stay for long (due to ever changing body from pregnancy) but the one day this past week I was in immense pain again, and immediately afterwards I felt so much better and have been since. I fear the weeks when I won't be able to go to her since I'll be "home" in Ohio and then in Indiana for a reunion. Maybe by then the number of adjustments I'll have had will help keep it in shape for that length of time...
Anyway, otherwise this pregnancy is okay, but due to all the pain we know it will be our last, and I'm at peace with that. I just can't do this again. Most people don't choose chronic pain, and in my case I'm such a wimp for CHOOSING pain, that I'd rather enjoy my family as it than expand it and be miserable for months on end, which makes me less of the person I want to be.
But I am walking 2 miles almost every day, which gets harder and harder as I am pushing my kids in the stroller, and they feel heavier and heavier each time. But at least I'm doing it, and I'm hoping that this along with the adjustments will make for an easier labor. One can hope, can't they?
One last thing before I go. Rugger is finally talking. He's using all the words he already knew but never spoke, and has even spoken in 3 word sentences, which puts him right on schedule. It's neat to finally hear what he's been thinking about all this time :)
Sunday, April 15, 2007
A Mother's Tears
As I sat here tonight rocking you to sleep, I couldn't help but cry. Since my belly has been expanding and my back, hips, and now ribs have been hurting, I have not had you fall asleep in my arms in quite a few weeks.
And I miss it.
I tried to remember you nursing, and though it's only been a couple of months (when exactly was it last??? - I think around mid February, though I'll never know for sure now...) I already have trouble remembering how it was.
You seem so much older now. You are growing so quickly. I know you will only grow more, and faster, and I so wish I could draw out this window of your still chubby cheeks, your wobbling gait as you run, and your 2 year old smile.
I know you won't fit on my lap forever, but I wish you could. I know I won't always be able to sniff your hair and enjoy the smell of little boy sweat and innocence. But I wish I could.
Oh, I look forward to seeing who you become. But I'll miss your small hands as they become rough and outgrow my own. I'll miss your frustration as you learn to put your coat on without getting confused by which way to turn it and zippers that don't go. I'll miss your sweet "Ni Ni Ma Ma" as you lay in your bed.
Which tonight Daddy decided to put by him as we transition you for the baby. And there is no crib on my side yet, and I didn't know he had done it until I carried you up already asleep, so you won't know until morning comes.
And I cried some more because I miss you. I miss being next to you.
When your sister climbs into bed in the morning after Daddy leaves, on the rare occasion that she is awake and does so, I can't help but to cherish those moments as well. And when Daddy had back pain and was sleeping on the couch, and I had you on one side and your sister on the other...I admit that I loved it. I enjoyed sleeping next to both of you.
If I could get a bed big enough, you would both be in bed beside Daddy and me. And I know that he'd enjoy it too, as he has fallen asleep with you in my place on the nights I stay up late. We both love being with you two.
And as I feel this new one kick inside me. I wonder who it is. I wonder if I will love it as much as I have loved you. I feel sometimes that our lives will crumble. That they are good now. You two play well together. You get along great. I like the way we are now.
And soon it will change. Soon I will be busy with another who demands all my time and attention. And I know it won't always be easy on either of you.
But I hope. I hope that I will fall just as much in love as I did with you. I hope that I will cherish holding this baby in my arms as well, and look forward to lazy mornings when you are all in bed with me, or even more rare in bed with both Daddy and me on a Saturday or Sunday when you all wake up before us.
I know that you must grow older. I know that life requires change. But sometimes I find it aches me so. I find that I cannot contain the love that I have for you and it spills over in tears as I hold on a little tighter than I need to. As I sit in the chair a little longer than I need to. As I kiss your cheeks and your hair one more time because someday I won't get to.
And I cry. Being a mother is hard. Not just when you challenge me as an infant and I feel burnt out. Not just when you dry me crazy asking 1,000 questions a day, most of them repeats. Not just when you demand so much and give so little.
But it's hard when you are so precious just being you. When I can't help but smile at your childish ways. When I see that time is moving and the moment is gone. That's when it's REALLY hard.
I hope someday that my love for you is realized. I hope I can nurture our relationship and that you always will feel close to your father and I. I hope that I'll never have to look at you and wish you were different because I don't understand you. I hope that you'll know that I love you so much that you will never truly understand until you love another just as much.
That as I rub your small arms and hold your small body, that I can't possibly love you any more. That it hurts because I know you aren't fully mine. God claimed you long before I did, and you are in His hands.
Which means I can't control how long I have the pleasure of knowing you, of holding you, of keeping you. I hope and pray for a long life for both of us, but only God knows what tomorrow holds. And it hurts. Because I want to keep you for myself. I want to hold on to you forever, and make sure that nothing can harm you.
But I can't.
So I cry. And I love. And I hold you while I can.
And eventually I put you down, and I kiss you again. And I whisper Good Night. And tomorrow you will play and laugh and run like you always do, never knowing how much my love for you fills me to the point of tears.
I love you Sweet Ones. Mommy loves you.
And I miss it.
I tried to remember you nursing, and though it's only been a couple of months (when exactly was it last??? - I think around mid February, though I'll never know for sure now...) I already have trouble remembering how it was.
You seem so much older now. You are growing so quickly. I know you will only grow more, and faster, and I so wish I could draw out this window of your still chubby cheeks, your wobbling gait as you run, and your 2 year old smile.
I know you won't fit on my lap forever, but I wish you could. I know I won't always be able to sniff your hair and enjoy the smell of little boy sweat and innocence. But I wish I could.
Oh, I look forward to seeing who you become. But I'll miss your small hands as they become rough and outgrow my own. I'll miss your frustration as you learn to put your coat on without getting confused by which way to turn it and zippers that don't go. I'll miss your sweet "Ni Ni Ma Ma" as you lay in your bed.
Which tonight Daddy decided to put by him as we transition you for the baby. And there is no crib on my side yet, and I didn't know he had done it until I carried you up already asleep, so you won't know until morning comes.
And I cried some more because I miss you. I miss being next to you.
When your sister climbs into bed in the morning after Daddy leaves, on the rare occasion that she is awake and does so, I can't help but to cherish those moments as well. And when Daddy had back pain and was sleeping on the couch, and I had you on one side and your sister on the other...I admit that I loved it. I enjoyed sleeping next to both of you.
If I could get a bed big enough, you would both be in bed beside Daddy and me. And I know that he'd enjoy it too, as he has fallen asleep with you in my place on the nights I stay up late. We both love being with you two.
And as I feel this new one kick inside me. I wonder who it is. I wonder if I will love it as much as I have loved you. I feel sometimes that our lives will crumble. That they are good now. You two play well together. You get along great. I like the way we are now.
And soon it will change. Soon I will be busy with another who demands all my time and attention. And I know it won't always be easy on either of you.
But I hope. I hope that I will fall just as much in love as I did with you. I hope that I will cherish holding this baby in my arms as well, and look forward to lazy mornings when you are all in bed with me, or even more rare in bed with both Daddy and me on a Saturday or Sunday when you all wake up before us.
I know that you must grow older. I know that life requires change. But sometimes I find it aches me so. I find that I cannot contain the love that I have for you and it spills over in tears as I hold on a little tighter than I need to. As I sit in the chair a little longer than I need to. As I kiss your cheeks and your hair one more time because someday I won't get to.
And I cry. Being a mother is hard. Not just when you challenge me as an infant and I feel burnt out. Not just when you dry me crazy asking 1,000 questions a day, most of them repeats. Not just when you demand so much and give so little.
But it's hard when you are so precious just being you. When I can't help but smile at your childish ways. When I see that time is moving and the moment is gone. That's when it's REALLY hard.
I hope someday that my love for you is realized. I hope I can nurture our relationship and that you always will feel close to your father and I. I hope that I'll never have to look at you and wish you were different because I don't understand you. I hope that you'll know that I love you so much that you will never truly understand until you love another just as much.
That as I rub your small arms and hold your small body, that I can't possibly love you any more. That it hurts because I know you aren't fully mine. God claimed you long before I did, and you are in His hands.
Which means I can't control how long I have the pleasure of knowing you, of holding you, of keeping you. I hope and pray for a long life for both of us, but only God knows what tomorrow holds. And it hurts. Because I want to keep you for myself. I want to hold on to you forever, and make sure that nothing can harm you.
But I can't.
So I cry. And I love. And I hold you while I can.
And eventually I put you down, and I kiss you again. And I whisper Good Night. And tomorrow you will play and laugh and run like you always do, never knowing how much my love for you fills me to the point of tears.
I love you Sweet Ones. Mommy loves you.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Food, Glorious Food!
Well, now that I'm feeling better (13 weeks and I felt GREAT! I cleaned the house, vacuumed for the first time in two months, didn't sit around all day, YEAH!!!) I'm starting to cook. For real.
Not those meal-in-a-box things, but real, made from scratch dinners.
The catch is that I have to find something where I at least have most of the ingredients on hand. Which isn't easy. Many recipes have tons of ingredients that I don't have, can't afford, or have never heard of.
But I have found a few. And some of the things I've tried are simply the first time I've tried something I've heard of before but just never tried on my own.
Last week I made lemon pepper talapia (I spent the money on the fish before our finance situation came to light, though I should have known when I kept hoarding money from the savings...), some green-bean creamed soup, and blueberry crisp (the blueberries were form Walmart and had been in the freezer for months.)
So I ate a lot of it. So much so that for some reason my pregnant body didn't enjoy it the next day, and after forcing myself to eat yogurt with home-made granola (recipe from Tightwadd Gazette) I ended up throwing up for the first time in 3 pregnancies for the simple reason of being pregnant. The rest of the day I felt fine or else like I had pre-13 weeks. (I'm now 14 1/2 weeks.)
But that didn't deter me. Last night I made stuffed pork chops. With cornbread stuffing (bought from Aldi months ago knowing I'd using for SOMETHING) and bacon (from in-laws pigs, along with pork chops), onions, and on the chops marjoram (first time using it...on the spice rack from our wedding 8 years ago), seasoned salt, and pepper.
A little too dry due to not knowing how much over our oven would cook it, and I had already subtracted 5 minutes from the 45 minutes, so next time I'll subtract 10 or 15, but they were DELICIOUS!!!
I made cookies last week for the first time in months as well. Tomorrow I'm thinking Banana bread, which I've never made, ironically, since I love the stuff and have made tons of Zucchini bread which is so similar in a way.
But now with all this cooking I have to find a way to get creative with pork. Not ham, since for some reason we never get ham from the butcher when we get the pork from my in-laws. Probably because it's too expensive, but I'm not sure. I love ham.
Anyway, we have chops, and ham slices (it's not like ham, though, hard to explain), big chunks that I'm not sure what to do with (I'd have to go down and see the label on the paper to know what they are), bacon, sausage, and probably more.
In the summer, I made shish-kabobs, which I LOVED! But now I'm trying to figure out what to make indoors without much hassle and extra ingredients. But this way, we save money by using what we HAVE vs. buying what we don't really NEED. If we can use up all the pork in the freezer, then we are doing good. I already had to throw some out last year from having been in there WAY too long (years, people.) So we really SHOULD use it...it was free, for goodness sake, as a gift, really. It's just I didn't know what to do with all the pork.
And now I have one more option - stuffed pork chops. And it didn't take long to prepare, really. Even less time had I thawed the pork chops ahead of time. I'd have time to make a side dish, maybe out of the many, many bags of frozen veggies in our freezer, gotten from Angel Food or from me trying to buy healthy once. I don't like veggies very much, so I'm not motivated to cook them. Much like the unknown pork products. Ham I could make into casseroles and use potatoes and such. Pork...what do I do with that?
Same with veggies. Cheese, butter, throw them in a casserole. Otherwise I'm lost. So I'll have to look up veggie ideas in my books, too. Though now that I'm thinking about it, we haven't had pot pie in a very long while. I'll see which pork product I think will go best with that and put it on the menu for next week. After all, I DO know how to make white sauce...
Not those meal-in-a-box things, but real, made from scratch dinners.
The catch is that I have to find something where I at least have most of the ingredients on hand. Which isn't easy. Many recipes have tons of ingredients that I don't have, can't afford, or have never heard of.
But I have found a few. And some of the things I've tried are simply the first time I've tried something I've heard of before but just never tried on my own.
Last week I made lemon pepper talapia (I spent the money on the fish before our finance situation came to light, though I should have known when I kept hoarding money from the savings...), some green-bean creamed soup, and blueberry crisp (the blueberries were form Walmart and had been in the freezer for months.)
So I ate a lot of it. So much so that for some reason my pregnant body didn't enjoy it the next day, and after forcing myself to eat yogurt with home-made granola (recipe from Tightwadd Gazette) I ended up throwing up for the first time in 3 pregnancies for the simple reason of being pregnant. The rest of the day I felt fine or else like I had pre-13 weeks. (I'm now 14 1/2 weeks.)
But that didn't deter me. Last night I made stuffed pork chops. With cornbread stuffing (bought from Aldi months ago knowing I'd using for SOMETHING) and bacon (from in-laws pigs, along with pork chops), onions, and on the chops marjoram (first time using it...on the spice rack from our wedding 8 years ago), seasoned salt, and pepper.
A little too dry due to not knowing how much over our oven would cook it, and I had already subtracted 5 minutes from the 45 minutes, so next time I'll subtract 10 or 15, but they were DELICIOUS!!!
I made cookies last week for the first time in months as well. Tomorrow I'm thinking Banana bread, which I've never made, ironically, since I love the stuff and have made tons of Zucchini bread which is so similar in a way.
But now with all this cooking I have to find a way to get creative with pork. Not ham, since for some reason we never get ham from the butcher when we get the pork from my in-laws. Probably because it's too expensive, but I'm not sure. I love ham.
Anyway, we have chops, and ham slices (it's not like ham, though, hard to explain), big chunks that I'm not sure what to do with (I'd have to go down and see the label on the paper to know what they are), bacon, sausage, and probably more.
In the summer, I made shish-kabobs, which I LOVED! But now I'm trying to figure out what to make indoors without much hassle and extra ingredients. But this way, we save money by using what we HAVE vs. buying what we don't really NEED. If we can use up all the pork in the freezer, then we are doing good. I already had to throw some out last year from having been in there WAY too long (years, people.) So we really SHOULD use it...it was free, for goodness sake, as a gift, really. It's just I didn't know what to do with all the pork.
And now I have one more option - stuffed pork chops. And it didn't take long to prepare, really. Even less time had I thawed the pork chops ahead of time. I'd have time to make a side dish, maybe out of the many, many bags of frozen veggies in our freezer, gotten from Angel Food or from me trying to buy healthy once. I don't like veggies very much, so I'm not motivated to cook them. Much like the unknown pork products. Ham I could make into casseroles and use potatoes and such. Pork...what do I do with that?
Same with veggies. Cheese, butter, throw them in a casserole. Otherwise I'm lost. So I'll have to look up veggie ideas in my books, too. Though now that I'm thinking about it, we haven't had pot pie in a very long while. I'll see which pork product I think will go best with that and put it on the menu for next week. After all, I DO know how to make white sauce...
Monday, January 15, 2007
Living the Tightwad Lifestyle
Well, we've been here before, but it still hurts a bit.
Today I called the cable company and canceled our cable. It's the only bill we can cancel. Funny how one need electricity and gas and all, but TV isn't a necessity. So it's gone. Which is probably good, and we can get it back later when we can afford it, but it still hurts.
And I still don't know how we're going to make all the rest of the payments this month. I've already dried out the savings account, and if I take any more out they start charging us, so that won't work (let alone if any emergency happens at this point, we're in dire trouble.)
And of course we have to start shopping smarter. I've been shopping every week or two instead of monthly, and I tend to buy items a second time (chicken, beef, chocolate) that we don't NEED. We shop almost exclusively at Aldi's for food, and yet it's the Walmart bill that's out of hand. Each receipt looks innocent enough except the total, so we just have to start adding stuff up before we get to the checkout.
Basically, we have only 230 dollars to spend on groceries and paper/hygene products each month, and that's not counting things like birthday gifts for relatives and other little things that come up.
I know we can do it, as our kids don't eat a lot, yet. But being pregnant I'd LOVE more variety. (On food stamps we couldn't even spend the $400 a month they gave us...had too much food and didn't know what else to get. Looking back, I'd have gotten specialty breads and cheeses and stuff...things I've never even tried yet for lack of funds.)
Anyway, considering families spend $200 a WEEK on groceries, $230 a MONTH seems very little. But it's all that's left after paying the bills....bills that have to be payed are aren't even optional or entertainment related.
We don't eat out (the most expensive place we've eaten is Applesbees, but only with a gift card.) We don't watch movies (no dollar theater around here) but once a year.
We don't even vacation, though not for lack of want.
But the one income, and that being a teacher's, is definately pulling us down right now. My two days at afterschool bring in hardly anything, and Boom wouldn't even have time for a second job with football and schoolwork, besides that I want him here with us.
So we have to cut back. A lot. For now. I have to tell the midwife that we can't make any payments until after our tax return comes in. I have to ask the doctor if I can wait another month to pay the bill.
And yet, I have a hard time complaining. I don't have a hard time crying, because I wish that we weren't here right now. I wish our income was enough to live comfortably. I mean, it's not like I'm asking to go to Jamaica, but I had wanted to buy Honeycomb for the first time in 5 years....
But complaining, I'm not. Because we have our house. A large house, for us. We have two beautiful children. We have a job, a good one. A Boom is good at his job. We have friends. We have a community. I'm the happiest I've been in years, and I really CAN'T complain. I just wish it was different. I wish the numbers came to a different total.
But they don't. And so I'll keep looking at those pottery magazines and thinking of "someday" when I'll be able to get them (why can't our libraries carry them??) I'll remember that others would give anything to even have half of what I have. And someday, we'll hopefully move again, maybe back to more open land with free gas and sewage ($50 a month now that it's finally come), and eventually each year Boom gets a small raise that will help.
So we'll get back on our feet. We will. This year was financially heavy. We redid the attic to make it a room. We got a van because of the dog (and now with a third on the way we need it, anyway.) We got a dog, full breed. We got another truck (20 years old, that is.) And we need yet new windows for upstairs, a new door for the one that doesn't work, new gutters on the whole house (which would help all the water that's pouring into the basement.) Our shed is a joke. And so we aren't even close to being done with spending large amounts of money that we don't have.
But for now we're stable. For now we are warm (Boom is cutting down trees to feed the wood-burning stove downstairs we got from his parents. It heat well but requires much food.) And we are happy.
But I will look forward to the day when the checkbook actually balances withouth having to wait for the next paycheck to clear. And may that day be soon.
Today I called the cable company and canceled our cable. It's the only bill we can cancel. Funny how one need electricity and gas and all, but TV isn't a necessity. So it's gone. Which is probably good, and we can get it back later when we can afford it, but it still hurts.
And I still don't know how we're going to make all the rest of the payments this month. I've already dried out the savings account, and if I take any more out they start charging us, so that won't work (let alone if any emergency happens at this point, we're in dire trouble.)
And of course we have to start shopping smarter. I've been shopping every week or two instead of monthly, and I tend to buy items a second time (chicken, beef, chocolate) that we don't NEED. We shop almost exclusively at Aldi's for food, and yet it's the Walmart bill that's out of hand. Each receipt looks innocent enough except the total, so we just have to start adding stuff up before we get to the checkout.
Basically, we have only 230 dollars to spend on groceries and paper/hygene products each month, and that's not counting things like birthday gifts for relatives and other little things that come up.
I know we can do it, as our kids don't eat a lot, yet. But being pregnant I'd LOVE more variety. (On food stamps we couldn't even spend the $400 a month they gave us...had too much food and didn't know what else to get. Looking back, I'd have gotten specialty breads and cheeses and stuff...things I've never even tried yet for lack of funds.)
Anyway, considering families spend $200 a WEEK on groceries, $230 a MONTH seems very little. But it's all that's left after paying the bills....bills that have to be payed are aren't even optional or entertainment related.
We don't eat out (the most expensive place we've eaten is Applesbees, but only with a gift card.) We don't watch movies (no dollar theater around here) but once a year.
We don't even vacation, though not for lack of want.
But the one income, and that being a teacher's, is definately pulling us down right now. My two days at afterschool bring in hardly anything, and Boom wouldn't even have time for a second job with football and schoolwork, besides that I want him here with us.
So we have to cut back. A lot. For now. I have to tell the midwife that we can't make any payments until after our tax return comes in. I have to ask the doctor if I can wait another month to pay the bill.
And yet, I have a hard time complaining. I don't have a hard time crying, because I wish that we weren't here right now. I wish our income was enough to live comfortably. I mean, it's not like I'm asking to go to Jamaica, but I had wanted to buy Honeycomb for the first time in 5 years....
But complaining, I'm not. Because we have our house. A large house, for us. We have two beautiful children. We have a job, a good one. A Boom is good at his job. We have friends. We have a community. I'm the happiest I've been in years, and I really CAN'T complain. I just wish it was different. I wish the numbers came to a different total.
But they don't. And so I'll keep looking at those pottery magazines and thinking of "someday" when I'll be able to get them (why can't our libraries carry them??) I'll remember that others would give anything to even have half of what I have. And someday, we'll hopefully move again, maybe back to more open land with free gas and sewage ($50 a month now that it's finally come), and eventually each year Boom gets a small raise that will help.
So we'll get back on our feet. We will. This year was financially heavy. We redid the attic to make it a room. We got a van because of the dog (and now with a third on the way we need it, anyway.) We got a dog, full breed. We got another truck (20 years old, that is.) And we need yet new windows for upstairs, a new door for the one that doesn't work, new gutters on the whole house (which would help all the water that's pouring into the basement.) Our shed is a joke. And so we aren't even close to being done with spending large amounts of money that we don't have.
But for now we're stable. For now we are warm (Boom is cutting down trees to feed the wood-burning stove downstairs we got from his parents. It heat well but requires much food.) And we are happy.
But I will look forward to the day when the checkbook actually balances withouth having to wait for the next paycheck to clear. And may that day be soon.
Tuesday, January 02, 2007
All Fired Up for the New Year
Well, if it wasn't for the fact that I talk too much and thus write too much, and that I'm extremely tired and lazy lately, then I already would have updated this thing. Oh, well. Here's a summary:
I fired my kiln up for the first time! Yippee!!! I was so excited that night, and everything turned out great. I made a whistle for my nephew and my ocarina is the best attempt so far. Now I have to think of what to make next...
Christmas was great except for a few glitches in my in-law part of the family. I won't go into it, but I sometimes wished my kids were as blessed as I was growing up in an almost "perfect" family. But then again, maybe they'll learn compassion for those not like them, and learn how to connect to them since they'll have seen it first hand, where as I have not.
I hope I won't have to renig this in a week from now, but I am also pregnant. We weren't planning on getting pregnant this soon. We were going to TRY in about six months. But alas, I'm 12 weeks right now and the midwife will be coming next Tuesday to hear the heartbeat. I found out the same week my sister found out she lost her baby, so I'm very cautious this time, and disappointed that once again some of the joy is robbed if this pregnancy DOES go well. I hate being the source of someone else's pain, and I'd like for once to enjoy my pregnancy without hiding my joy...
So for 6 weeks now I've been sick. Nauseaus all day long and all night long. I hate morning sickness. It usually lets up around 14 weeks, which means 2 more weeks to go. I love the middle stage of pregnancy, before my hips start dislocating and causing me imense pain....plus I can finally eat with joy again. Oh to have gone through the holidays and not enjoy all the wonderful meals! I hate this!!!!
So, here we are, me laying on the couch most of the day trying to will my stomach to get better, and Boom put in his parents old wood burning stove downstairs which is working like a beaut and heating the whole house even though the vents haven't even been connected to it yet. And the basement is now the warmest place in the house. We need to get a shield for it to keep the heat in the usit more, but they can't find them for now.
Other than that, not much else to report. Too many toys at Christmas as usual (why, Grandparents, WHY!?!?) and unfortunately it was also evident that now that the children are getting older, Pumpkin in particular, apparently at least one side of the family doesn't know my children very well at all. My MIL in particular projects things into my daughter that she always wanted in a daughter of her own. She used to talk about her red hair and blue eyes (even though Pumpkin has neither) and now she gives her all these girlie toys that she has absolutely no interest in. Poor thing kind of sat there as her brother got electronic gadgets like a Thomas the Tank Engine set, a keyboard, a remote control truck and another motorized truck. So I bought her a dart gun, which she loves.
Sometimes I wish Christmas could be so simple as just getting together as family. But then again, seeing as we don't do much as a family over there, I guess it's better we fill the time with unwrapping presents. I just hope next year they are more tuned in. Not that I'm not grateful, in fact, I think one present a kid would have been fine. But at least get them something they'll like. And same goes with the adults. I don't know how much debt she goes into every year (creditors actually call OUR house to get ahold of her) but I do know she could save money by not buying presents that often are not used. She loves giving gifts, and that's wonderful, but sometimes that needs to be balanced with budget and the recipients actual needs in mind.
Which is one reason I'm glad for the kiln this year. I hope to make many gifts from the heart that cost only the firing and the materials that I buy for the clay. I'll enjoy that very much.
One last story. My son is such a goofball, always singing and dancing to music and laughing and running around and being a clown. I can't wait until he talks... But my daughter, she has some very unique traits, and one is that she has an imaginary girlfriend. For about a year at least now she's had a girlfriend, named the same as herself, of course. This girlfriend lives on a farm (or several based on the "my girlfriend lives there" comments as we drive) and she can fly, swim, jump really high, and do many things Pumpkin just can't do yet.
Well, we had my brother-in-law and his girlfriend and their family over for New Year's Eve, and Pumpkin was chasing around the boy who is her age. She was just bawling when she came into the kitchen and I asked her what was wrong. "Hayden won't hug my girlfriend" she cries. Stifling a laugh, I tell her that maybe he can't SEE her girlfriend. "Where is she?" I ask. "Well," she says, "She WAS behind the Christmas tree..." I laugh then and say, "Well, can Hayden give YOU a hug?"
"No, my girlfriend wants a hug."
"Well then where is she?"
Pumpkin steps behind the table and says, "Can you see her? She's right there?" and points to herself. So I sit beside Hayden and whisper to him to go hug Pumpkin, and he does, and she is happy once again. And then me and Hayden's mom just kept laughing.
So there you go. My daughter is, well, imaginative :)
I fired my kiln up for the first time! Yippee!!! I was so excited that night, and everything turned out great. I made a whistle for my nephew and my ocarina is the best attempt so far. Now I have to think of what to make next...
Christmas was great except for a few glitches in my in-law part of the family. I won't go into it, but I sometimes wished my kids were as blessed as I was growing up in an almost "perfect" family. But then again, maybe they'll learn compassion for those not like them, and learn how to connect to them since they'll have seen it first hand, where as I have not.
I hope I won't have to renig this in a week from now, but I am also pregnant. We weren't planning on getting pregnant this soon. We were going to TRY in about six months. But alas, I'm 12 weeks right now and the midwife will be coming next Tuesday to hear the heartbeat. I found out the same week my sister found out she lost her baby, so I'm very cautious this time, and disappointed that once again some of the joy is robbed if this pregnancy DOES go well. I hate being the source of someone else's pain, and I'd like for once to enjoy my pregnancy without hiding my joy...
So for 6 weeks now I've been sick. Nauseaus all day long and all night long. I hate morning sickness. It usually lets up around 14 weeks, which means 2 more weeks to go. I love the middle stage of pregnancy, before my hips start dislocating and causing me imense pain....plus I can finally eat with joy again. Oh to have gone through the holidays and not enjoy all the wonderful meals! I hate this!!!!
So, here we are, me laying on the couch most of the day trying to will my stomach to get better, and Boom put in his parents old wood burning stove downstairs which is working like a beaut and heating the whole house even though the vents haven't even been connected to it yet. And the basement is now the warmest place in the house. We need to get a shield for it to keep the heat in the usit more, but they can't find them for now.
Other than that, not much else to report. Too many toys at Christmas as usual (why, Grandparents, WHY!?!?) and unfortunately it was also evident that now that the children are getting older, Pumpkin in particular, apparently at least one side of the family doesn't know my children very well at all. My MIL in particular projects things into my daughter that she always wanted in a daughter of her own. She used to talk about her red hair and blue eyes (even though Pumpkin has neither) and now she gives her all these girlie toys that she has absolutely no interest in. Poor thing kind of sat there as her brother got electronic gadgets like a Thomas the Tank Engine set, a keyboard, a remote control truck and another motorized truck. So I bought her a dart gun, which she loves.
Sometimes I wish Christmas could be so simple as just getting together as family. But then again, seeing as we don't do much as a family over there, I guess it's better we fill the time with unwrapping presents. I just hope next year they are more tuned in. Not that I'm not grateful, in fact, I think one present a kid would have been fine. But at least get them something they'll like. And same goes with the adults. I don't know how much debt she goes into every year (creditors actually call OUR house to get ahold of her) but I do know she could save money by not buying presents that often are not used. She loves giving gifts, and that's wonderful, but sometimes that needs to be balanced with budget and the recipients actual needs in mind.
Which is one reason I'm glad for the kiln this year. I hope to make many gifts from the heart that cost only the firing and the materials that I buy for the clay. I'll enjoy that very much.
One last story. My son is such a goofball, always singing and dancing to music and laughing and running around and being a clown. I can't wait until he talks... But my daughter, she has some very unique traits, and one is that she has an imaginary girlfriend. For about a year at least now she's had a girlfriend, named the same as herself, of course. This girlfriend lives on a farm (or several based on the "my girlfriend lives there" comments as we drive) and she can fly, swim, jump really high, and do many things Pumpkin just can't do yet.
Well, we had my brother-in-law and his girlfriend and their family over for New Year's Eve, and Pumpkin was chasing around the boy who is her age. She was just bawling when she came into the kitchen and I asked her what was wrong. "Hayden won't hug my girlfriend" she cries. Stifling a laugh, I tell her that maybe he can't SEE her girlfriend. "Where is she?" I ask. "Well," she says, "She WAS behind the Christmas tree..." I laugh then and say, "Well, can Hayden give YOU a hug?"
"No, my girlfriend wants a hug."
"Well then where is she?"
Pumpkin steps behind the table and says, "Can you see her? She's right there?" and points to herself. So I sit beside Hayden and whisper to him to go hug Pumpkin, and he does, and she is happy once again. And then me and Hayden's mom just kept laughing.
So there you go. My daughter is, well, imaginative :)
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
More Heartbreak and Heartache
Well, my sister found out yesterday that their baby will not be born on this earth. Apparently it stopped developing around 9 weeks. She was 13 weeks on Saturday, and none of us expected this after seeing a heartbeat at 7 weeks.
Prayers for her and her family are appreciated.
Prayers for her and her family are appreciated.
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