My Little Princess

I can't say for sure that Birdie will love dressing up as she gets older, but I DO know that for now she absolutely cracks me up!



She was running around buck naked with these necklaces on, and I just couldn't resist! She loves putting ANYTHING on or taking it off. Necklaces, shirts, blankets, her daddy's underwear, my bras!

Anyway, I forgot to mention that I also made homemade caramels for the first time this last weekend. My friend and neighbor (one and the same) came over to help me and did most of the work while the two little ones kept crying for me to hold them (I can't wait for the stranger anxiety phase to be done with...one is bad enough but with two!)

We used a candy thermometer I just bought at this cool kitchen store in the mall (I don't ever go to the mall, but wanted to see what Old Navy had for sale, so stopped in the kitchen place for the thermometer) and it is THE COOLEST place ever. So many gadgets! So many colors! Too many kids with me wanting to grab it all and chew on it or play with it!!! Which is good, because I would have spent enough time in there to convince myself to buy SOMETHING I don't really need....

Anyway, we had to wait for the caramel to cook enough to cut and individually wrap, and even dipped some in melted Dove chocolate (yum!) The chocolate ones kind of became puddles as it was so warm in the house that the caramel was starting to melt by that time. But it still tasted great.

Tomorrow's our first game of the season. Boom's already dealt with a couple of injuries, more politics, and some other stuff. I so wish I could watch the game from the stands - cold as it gets eventually. I miss watching the band and hearing all the people, and being able to SEE what's going on. But as it is the kids are going to drive me nuts, and realistically they probably shouldn't have to be drug to the games, but what can I do? I want to be there, and I'm not leaving them at home. It's just too bad that my parents don't live here...

Affirmation

Well, today I spent awhile online at Mothering.com discussion boards. I go there when I need to hear other people who think like me so I feel better about the choices I make. I know, how lame....

Anyway, I was glad to see other people discussing homebirth and the fact that even though we take responsibility for anything that MIGHT go wrong during a home birth, it doesn't mean we are putting our children or ourselves at risk just so we can have a cozy birth. Truly. I don't get why people think that we haven't informed ourselves, studied, debated, and even prayed before we've made these decisions.

Or that midwives are some hillbilly yocals who have no idea what to do if a baby is in distress. Geez. You'd think that we were performing surgery with our own hands the way some people talk about it.

And then there's the unschooling crowd. It was neat how a lot of them were discussing that the term "unschooling" is rather negative, so the alternatives were brought up, though most people said they simply don't label what they do. I tend to do both - mention the word "unschooling" or else just describe loosely that I don't use textbooks and schedules and such. Most people haven't a clue what I'm trying to say, anyway, and it's probably best they don't else they think my kids are learning nothing because I'm not teaching them.

But the coolest part was this link:

http://fivefreebirds.blogspot.com/2008/07/unschool-v-school.html

It was so neat to see that he did okay even though he never once was taught anything in the traditional sense. And then I caught this:

http://fivefreebirds.blogspot.com/2008/08/unschooled-v-schooled-comments.html

So we'll have to see what it's like when he's done.

Anyway, it made me feel better to see the end result of what I'm starting now. It's those little tidbits that I need to keep me going.

I should have mentioned that I got Rugger (well, it's for all the kids) a balance bike from Kinderbike. He loves it and is getting very good at gliding down our small grade behind the house (I mean VERY small grade...) I wish they sold these in Wal-mart but oh, well. He loves it, and insisted on the horn that his grandmother got him, as well as the mirror. I do love that kid!

Pumpkin and I finished a puzzle book we started yesterday. I do miss going through things like that with her. We've also been playing puzzle games on the computer. She picks them up very well, and it surprises me sometimes.

I'll say again I'm enjoying more the groove we are in for now. If only the babies would stop trying to destroy everything! Birdie was heading down the driveway in the general direction of the road, and both of them keep playing in the dog's water and eating his food. They've been tearing off the toilet paper again (this time it's mostly Birdie) and she'll tear up the diaper wipes as well. She even threw a toothbrush and cup in the toilet, though Booger's the one who figured out that it flushes....so they make a terrific, terrible team. *sigh*

This, too, unfortunately, shall pass. And I'll miss it...sometimes :)

My Alternate Life

Today was the first day that Pumpkin did NOT go to school. I mean, she didn't go to school for the past two years as well, when all her friends were in preschool. And our church DOES have an outstanding preschool which is only a couple hours for two days of the week, so it wouldn't have HURT her or anything...I just chose not to send her...

But today is the day that officially everyone who is schooling their children by kindergarten sent them off, and Pumpkin remained home. So officially, I am homeschooling. Or mostly just NOT schooling...

We had a good day, mostly. We got up when the babies did, ate breakfast, went on a walk, played outside, read books, ate lunch, played outside some more, and just relaxed. Mostly the same stuff we've been doing all summer long. When the kids (or rather babies) weren't getting into trouble I was reading a book.

It's amazing how much they are growing, and I love it. I so look forward to this year and the coming ones as they start understanding physical dangers more and I only have to deal with the emotional and mental and spiritual aspects of parenting. Or rather FOCUS on them, as I'm sure there will be other physical hurdles in my future (can anyone say ER and sports???)

But overall, I had a good day. Though I did fantasize a lot about my pottery.

I don't know if it's just me or if anyone else does this, but I talk to "myself" a lot, only it's not me, it's the person I WANT to be talking to, or maybe I'll be thinking about what I'll type into my blog later (95% of what I THINK about typing, I never do. I only post about 5% of the blogs I've typed in my head, due to time and energy....)

I will do this with my lips visibly moving, however, and I'm sure people must have seen me while on walks doing this, and I wonder what they think of me. If they wonder if I'm crazy. And maybe I am.

But I can't help it. I picture the best scenario possible for my future. I always do. This is not to say I never worry or wonder about my future. I do. A lot. But not while fantasizing. When fantasizing, everything goes my way, and works out, and I am good at what I do. Call it positive thinking, or what-have-you. It's how I pictured my births, for that matter. How I pictured my marriage, my kids, etc.

And strangely enough, many times things DO turn out pretty close to what I picture, though not always. Luckily I have enough pessimism in me to recognize that the very worst MAY happen instead, and if or when it does, I take the blow in a "I knew it" sort of way, and deal with it.

Either way, I was lost in thought much of today. I'm glad I never had to take a philosophy class, because I think it would have killed me. Literally. I was thinking about how what is best or right for me is not best or right for the world, and I do this often. I go in circles as I try to reason and make the logic work, and it just doesn't.

I can't rationalize how much control a person or people should have over lives. Who decides what is right and wrong? Who has the authority to enforce it? We can create lives and prolong lives, but we can't end them? Why is one end of the life spectrum allowed but not the other? Because it's positive? Not always. Some babies that aren't aborted are beaten to death. Some babies not left to die live on machines that eat and breathe for them, and brain waves hardly register at all. I wouldn't call that positive. Or some people are in so much pain they pray daily to leave this earth. And yet think that the higher road is to prolong their agony....

But I cannot say who it is who can judge these things apart from God. I cannot say whether creating life in a tube, or cloning, or pausing life is okay.

When does the individual's choice become overridden by another individual's right? If my son had died in childbirth, would you blame me for his death because of my choice to homebirth? What if he had died in the hospital...there is no blame because I was in the "right" place? Or is it because you can blame the professionals? Is that like blaming the school when your children do not learn?

Or is a child falls ill to a simple disease that we have vaccines for - is their parent to blame for not vaxing, yet when a child falls ill to the vaccine and dies - the parent is not to blame because it's the "normal" and accepted thing to do?

When is discipline considered abuse, and who decides how much right another has to oversee this? If I decide to use home remedies instead of use antibiotics, but it is found out later that I should have used the medicine, am I wrong? What about the mother who smokes in front of her kids, knowing the harm. Should she be taken away?

In a world where morals are relative, who decides? We discussed a book last month called "The Infidel" where the author points out that we are protecting the Islam religion in the name of tolerance, but denying the muslim women their rights as humans as they are being beaten and killed in the name of Allah. Yet if we step in and prohibit them from practicing their religion, then who will next stop Christians or Buddists or Hindus from practicing?

We have protected children in public schools by giving them the easy road and a way out. In the name of kindness we have stripped them of ever learning how to cope in the real world. We promote sameness and yet strive to remain unique.

Have humans always struggled thus?

I try to live as naturally as possible. As if mankind had never moved past the garden. And yet I recognize the benefits we have acheived as well. So I, too, am an oxymoron. And yet I have peace with what I have chosen.

I just wish others agreed. And yet they can't. Because by doing so, they automatically condemn their own choices. We can agree to disagree...and I guess that's what I'll have to live with. But darn it if I'm not so difficult that I actually wish we COULD all agree. Me and my black & white world....

Pictures!

Okay, so I changed my look just a tad (I still love the old one, what can I say?) and I got to add some pics of my favorite people! But while I'm at it, let me bombard you with some more from our recent happenings:

You'll notice that Pumpkin is not smiling in most pictures. She thinks she can't smile and so as soon as you grab the camera, will stop smiling, but if you ask her to smile, she tries too hard and makes a very fake smile that is almost worse than not smiling (thus her reason for thinking she can't smile.) So she's not unhappy, per se, just not able to naturally smile at the moment...

This is the two pouch slings I made from one of my Moby wraps.
I've actually used the slings like this a couple of times now.

This is the stroller I push the kids in each day almost 2 miles. The work out is worth it!

Here are the two little ones chillin' on the counter while I cook. I have pictures of the older two doing the same thing, actually. My kids hang out here often.

Here are the four of them on a rock at the zoo.

Here is one of Rugger climbing the ropes at the Pittsburgh Zoo.

Here is Pumpkin sliding at the same place as the ropes.

At the hotel the kids had way too much fun

And lastly, here is a link to a place where I posted some pictures of me tandem nursing or the kids co-sleeping:

http://www.naturallyparentingtwins.com/drupal/

It's a great site where I don't feel weird for parenting the way I do!

Growing So Quickly

We went to the Erie Zoo yesterday, just the six of us, and we had a pretty good time. The babies slept on the way there while the older two watched Sponge Bob (and Rugger only asked once about 5 minutes out if we were there yet.) So Boom and I got to chat some without any interruptions, which was nice.

It's amazing how just a couple of months can make such a big difference. In April my parents went with me and the kids to the same zoo, and the babies hated it. Wanted held (by only me) all day. This time they loved it - the train, the carousel (though Birdie was scared once the ride actually started up and needed held), even the animals. Birdie would do her sweet little amused giggle when she saw the animals move, and Booger would point if we pointed to something (though he didn't aways see what we were looking at as was evidenced by his pointing to a rope while Daddy was pointing to the animal BEYOND the rope!)

We ate lunch at the playground and the older two couldn't wait to play, so we pushed the babies for awhile in the swings. I do wish this zoo was bigger, but it makes it easy to go up and head home. The downside is the ride there is an hour, as is back, of course, so that kind of stinks for the gas and time.

But these past couple of days have been good to me. The babies are at a good stage right now, for the most part. They can climb this little stairs and slide set I got from our church's thrift store for 5 dollars. Birdie slides on it the "correct" way sitting up, and Booger will laugh and just throw his body on it belly down and slide down feet first. Birdie has taken a liking to stuffed animals (and dolls until I made one "talk"to her) and will hug them to her chest which is too cute! Booger still is such a stinker and will sniff out the remotes and phone (he actually dialed 9-1-1 the other day so I have to really hide it now) and will eat paper, dirt, and dog food like I don't feed him or something!

I just look at them and I love this age. Their little curls at the napes of their necks, their fine hair and bright eyes. Their waddling little gait and huge grins just because. They seem on the verge of using actual words, which I can't wait for.

It's strange. I don't want any more kids, and I really don't want to be pregnant ever again (not that I could - we took care of it on Boom's half), but there was a part of me that recalled being at all the zoos last year when I was pregnant, and I must admit that a part of me is sad that that stage in my life is over. I will never again be with child or birth one into this world. And I don't want to - but it's just strange that being a woman means that you wear different hats in your life, more so I think than men. And two of those hats have forever passed in my lifetime for me. I was more than blessed to have known them, and I will enjoy the next phase probably more so. But still, it was strange knowing that that part of me is gone, if you will.

It was sweet. Thursday night I was walking in the yard holding Booger's hand, and he would take a few steps, then look up at me and smile, walk some more, look up and smile. And my heart just melts. These two are definitely at the point where I really start enjoying the journey. I look at Rugger and Pumpkin and I can't believe how they've gotten here so quickly.

Rugger says to Boom yesterday "Don't eat all that, Daddy - we just bought it!" regarding the Nutella. What he doesn't know is that it' s been ME eating it all up! He moved all the toys out of the yard so Boom could mow, even though Boom wasn't home, yet. I can't recall what it was that Pumpkin said the other day that impressed me, but she is getting too smart for me sometimes. I love it :)

Well, I'm going to see if I can change the template for my blog now that I have DSL...

Down

Tonight I'm feeling down. From nothing in particular, and yet from lots of things combined. Stupid little things that make me feel stupid.

And I miss Boom. I hate when he's away. It just feels as if I'm not all here when he's gone. Even though things are hectic right now with the babies and all, we still feel complete at the end of the day when we're lying in bed together and our family is all there. And I don't get to tell him all the itty bitty details of my day since there are people here to hear our conversation, and people there to here him as well. And so my day isn't complete, I'm not at rest, and he isn't here to make me feel better, which he always does.

Why is it that sometimes when it seems like you should have nothing to complain about, there are little things that loom larger than life, and you feel so minute and insignificant, or worse you feel like the worst thing alive. I feel like I've been had, and less than what I am. And I know there's no basis for these feelings, but that's why I need Boom.

It's like the movie "Jerry Maguire" where he says, "You complete me." That's how it is with us. Boom may not be a runway model. (thankgoodness because I'm sure as heck not, and I'd be always afraid of him leaving me if he WAS the kind of guy every girl looked at!) But he IS the kind of guy a girl wants when she's feeling down. When the world turns against her, when she needs someone to believe in her.

Boom has always been my biggest fan. My strongest defender. And he's the only one who absolutely thinks I'm always beautiful (even with unshaven legs, glaringly white skin, frizzy curly hair, red cheeks, and all the other quirks that are me.)

I know there are a lot of people who can't stand the thought of spending every minute of every day with their spouse. But not me. I used to work with him once, on the night shift. And people were amazed that we got along. But we THRIVED that way. Being together constantly. The only downside is we get along SO well we don't tend to get our jobs done (like at home, I don't get cleaning done and he doesn't get schoolwork or work around the house done.)

But otherwise, we'd rather be with each other than with ANY ONE ELSE ANYWHERE. Period. We have our hobbies, but to be honest, even those we try our best to share because we WANT to be with the other person.

This isn't suffocating to us as it is to some. I've heard many women complain that they want their husbands out of the house because they annoy them. I've heard women complain about a lot more with their men. And I guess I'm shocked that so many women only picked their husband on his good looks or something, because they really don't seem to like the man at all.

So Boom, I love you. Very much. And I miss you. And every time you're gone, even for a day, I pray that you will safely return to me. For without you I am literally lost. I can't function. And I'm glad you forgive me for the stupid stuff I do without you. I feel like we truly have merged into one and that when you're not here, it's like I'm missing an arm and trying to make up for it but end up acting clumsy instead....

So please come back. Soon.

A Year Has Passed

Well, the twins are now a year old, and they didn't even get a proper birthday. No presents, barely a cake, and hardly any family.

BUT, they got to see fireworks! We went to Boom's brother's house on the river where they just moved in, and their neighbors come up once a year from Pittsburgh with a bunch of friends (rich folk) and put off a VERY good show of fireworks, right there on the river.

VERY, VERY, nice. We loved it, and it was the first fireworks Pumpkin and Rugger got to see, too. We didn't make it to any parades or anything else because it's just too hard with the babies. We did go to Pittsburgh early in June and had a WONDERFUL time at the zoo and especially the hotel and then briefly in the city. The kids loved the elevator, and Boom and I missed the diversity of the people in large cities. We decided to make it an annual trip, we had so much fun.

But on to now. Birdie is finally walking. She is SUCH a cutie! She's definately stolen our hearts. For all the doubt we had about whether we'd be okay with "just" another girl, we wouldn't have had to worry. She had us both tied around her fingers. She makes faces all the time, and when she laughs, you feel like you discovered a beautiful secret all of a sudden. She loves holding small things, and won't let go of what she wants. She'll push Booger, hit him (though to be fair it's often in a "I like you" sort of way) and crawl over him if she wants to get somewhere or take something from him. She likes kicking her little feet while sitting on the edge of seats, and can down food pretty quickly without making a mess like her brother does, even when he DOESN'T down the food.

She enjoys the animals. She'll pet and pat the cats, and loves patting and petting Boomer when we go on walks. Her little chubby hand just barely reaches him over the stroller bar. She'll still stick our her tongue with new foods or if she doesn't like something. And make that "plttt" sound. She also is still shy with anyone knew and will cry if left alone in a new place or if someone looks at her the "wrong" way. She's also quick to cry when things scare her.

Booger is just always on the go. Walking around just for the sake of walking. And often tripping over his own feet more than over toys. He wants to eat anything we do, and then some, including paper, kleenex, dog food, and especially dirt. He loves sippy cups, like his sister, and he tries to drink from regular cups but still chokes. He understands the command to sit (as in in the tub or on the stairs) and likes to dance to music. He sort of says "Dad" and "bye" and "hi." He and Birdie both liked swimming in the large pool at a friends, though he took longer to warm up to the idea. Birdie just loved it right away.

He also will NOT let go of the phone. He knows his don't work, and he won't settle for them. He'll chase around the phone all day, and when he gets it, he'll "talk" into it and press all the buttons. Pencils are another favorite with both babies.

Rugger is still into his trucks, tools and trains. He also is starting to venture out and become his own being. He'll tell me he can't help me because "his back hurts" (he hears his dad say this after chopping wood) and he'll get frustrated when he can't do something as good as Pumpkin or us. He is wonderful to the babies, and just loves them. But of course because of them he can't play with all his little toys where they can reach them. I expect next year will be a lot better for him. He was so happy to get a saw from the outpost, that he asked if he could cut wood IN the house. I told him "yes" and he reminded me that bits of wood would get everywhere, to which I reminded him that it was just pretend, and he says, "Oh...yeah" and smiles his goofy grin.

He still struggles with some words, and though he USED to say "spider" and "smile" it's now been "fpider" and "fmile" for a few months. I know he can say the "s" sound, so I hope he outgrows it. He loves playing in mud puddles and loves his lizards and bugs and spiders. If only I could get him not to lose things!

Pumpkin is still into creating things. She's made a wallet (it's not brown yet because it didn't go through that part of the factory, yet) and many "paper books" (I've been waiting my whole life to make one of these...) She is less quick to help out now (you gotta love those toddler years when they are cooperative most of the time) but is very conscientious. She still doesn't like being bad and getting into trouble, and is very empathetic. She likes making friends, and I need to be more proactive in getting her together with them. The other day before supper I was getting the food on their plates, and she says to me, "Move the hats out of the way...and for goodness sake, the potty!" because the travel potty was sitting on the table at her spot.

I find that the way they get along together makes me so proud, and yet at the same time it's the same thing that annoys me so as they are always wrestling or jumping or running together and I'm afraid they will get hurt, not to mention the noise. So it's hard to know what to do. Again, I look forward to the next year as things get easier with the younger ones.

So that's where we are at. And books - some day I'll actually be reading them again with the kids. I read my own for now, though I'd rather play in clay, but that, too, will come in time.

And now my head is spinning and I need to sleep.

DSL and You Tube

Well, we're finally moving up in the world. We succumbed to an offer from the only DSL around, and got both caller ID AND DSL...what could be better?

Anyway, I actually was inspired to make a movie about our births finally, since I love others on You Tube, and Boom bought a new software to use for his highlight films and such for football (he sends them to prospective colleges for his seniors.)

So here it is:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YPPP9isUEIA

The music is from a CD I had playing during Caleb's entire birth. That might still be my favorite birth, even though this last one was less painful...

Anyway, I am reading Dean Koontz's Odd Thomas for the first time, so I will be going now.

Apples, Oranges, Grapes & Pears

Once again I find myself caught in the endless trap of trying to be prefectly okay with who I am and where I am in life, and instead comparing myself to others and what they have.

I feel like the school girl I used to be: on the outside of the immature cliques based on hair types or fashionable tee-shirts or other pointless subjects, and me on the outside desperately wanting to fit in.

And yet, even then, I didn't want what they HAD to be a part of the group; I just wanted to be accepted AS I WAS.

As so it's been every since.

My parents did a good job making me feel proud of who I was, despite the fact that they couldn't quite convince me that I was beautiful (Daddy's will always think their little girls are beautiful, just as husbands will always think their wives are beautiful...until ALL men and women think I'm beautiful, I will simply think that my Dad and Hubby are slightly blind...)

But overall, I was okay with who I was as a person. I wasn't fat, nor skinny. I was smart, could be funny, and I consider myself an optimist though I also always consider the worst so that anything that DOES happen is automatically better than the worst.

I didn't WHERE I was going to be in the future, but it didn't bother me. I didn't lie up late at night wondering IF I'd get that job, or WHEN I'd meet that special someone. It would happen SOMEDAY, I believed. In fact, I had that word written in glow-in-the-dark paint on my mirror in my bedroom, and I never once doubted it.

So here I am, with many of my "someday"s already here. I have a great husband, wonderful kids, and I did get to work in my field, though definitely not at my "perfect" job idea.

And yet I find myself SOMETIMES more unhappy than ever before. Mainly because there's so much more riding on the issue than just me. It's my kids' futures at stake.

And so most days (and nights) I'm okay with homebirthing, co-sleeping (and waking up every hour sometimes to nurse), and cloth diapering, and extended nursing, and holding my babies, and homeschooling. Most days I'm okay staying at home and not going on vacations, or out to eat, or buying lots of stuff I would love to have.

But some days, I just want to fit in. Some times I see other moms and wish I was more like them. Even though I wouldn't like to do what they are doing, they seem happy with it, and I think maybe I'd be happier if I did it, too. Though I know I wouldn't be.

Or I feel odd when I'm the only one in the area who co-sleeps and nurses all night long, or walks all four of my kids at once because I'd rather be with them most of the time than without. I know there are groups of women just like me on-line. And thank goodness, or I'd REALLY feel lost. Just knowing they are there and can respond to a post on a forum of crunchy mothers makes me feel not-so-insane again.

But still, I sometimes feel like I'm not in the "in" crowd.

I still don't have a "best" friend. My sister-in-law (sort-of) and my neighbor are about the closest thing to it, and if I had the time, maybe they'd get deeper than they are. And perhaps, if I'm lucky, as time goes on, they WILL get deeper and BECOME that sort of "once in a lifetime" best friend. The one who knows all about you and GETS you. They know what makes you tick and what ticks you off.

It was really very telling when we moved to this house and women were surprised by my art folders. They had no idea I had gone to school for graphic design...after 2 years of knowing me. And yet my neighbor knows me well enough to have brought over a cupcake with fondant sculpted to look like a baby with a blanket and pillow, because she figured I'd like it.

Now THAT's friendship. I only hope I can return the favor sometime, because it meant the world to me that day.

And yet I'm so stuck up on myself and pitying myself that I DON'T think about what I can do for others. I don't even know HOW I'd do anything for lack of keeping myself together lately. I hope it will come in time - this focusing on others more than myself again. I want to share with people and GIVE, not just take.

I want to volunteer and make a difference, and in the process realize how truly blessed I am, because I KNOW I am, I just don't always FEEL I am.

And that's the key. I KNOW I'm okay the way I am and the choices I've made are good ones. I believe in them and they'll work for US. But yet I still find I look outward and compare the choices others have made for THEIR families, and I doubt.

Why can't I accept that what's best for ME and US isn't best for others, and what's best for them isn't okay for us, and that THAT'S OKAY. It really is.

Some people like the color blue, others red, and still others green or yellow or periwinkle. But none of those colors are BETTER or BEST or BAD. And yet I feel that if I don't agree with SOMEONE, then I'm not "cool" or acceptable.

I want to feel connected to others. Some have family to back them up. Others have their history in this area. I have nothing save my own 5 family members here to agree with me. And so I seek outward approval, though logically I know I don't need it.

I feel smug, I admit, when people comment on the twins or me walking with all four kids, because I feel important, set apart. And yet ironically, at the same time, I wish I WASN'T different, but just normal. I can't seem to win.

I dream daily, sometimes hourly, about working in clay. But not just playing in it. I hope, I dream, I pray, that someday, somehow, I'll make enough money with it to at least support my habit if not bring in a little extra for our family. What could be better than making money doing what you love, afterall?

But part of that is also affirmation. If I succeed, if I sell my work, then I am AFFIRMED. I'm approved, accepted, allowed.

I feel like no one takes me seriously (in the pottery world) because I didn't go to school for clay, because I haven't taken ANY class. That I'm a kid playing in the mud.

And so I want to prove them wrong. Prove that like many before me it's more about how hard you work and how determined you are that determines whether you succeed or fail. If I try hard enough and don't give up, and do what it takes, I WILL succeed....SOMEDAY.

But mostly, I just want to be happy with where I'm at now. And from a practical standpoint, logically speaking, I am. I have everything I've ever needed, most of what I've ever wanted, and so much more that I never deserved. There is no reason to look at someone else and be envious, and I wish my mind and heart would just quit. Because I am a VERY BLESSED person. Thank You, Lord.

Another Life Cut Short

Only a year ago I wrote this post: A Mother's Tears, and now I find the words more true than ever as another senior on the brink of life, with her future stretched out before her, died in a car accident over the weekend. And her passenger is still not clear of death's unfair clutches...

Instead of a graduation party, her parents are planning her funeral. Sometimes life is so unfair.

Just Like Little Adults Sometimes

You that fascination with photocopying one's own buttocks? I don't get it, either. But apparently my 3 year old son does...

He brings me his digital camera (the one I bought him so he'd just poop on the potty already) and is flipping through his pics, and he laughs as he shows me one he took with his pants off. What made him decide to put the camera back there and flash away, I have no idea. But it proves I understand the male mind of a boy just as much as that of his father....

Anyway, my 5 year old meanwhile acts as if she's ARRIVED. The same night I got to view Rugger's derrier, I was about to turn on Survivor, and Pumpkin cocks her head and notes, "Survivor...I used to love that show when I was four" in a voice that says that's SO behind her now...

Birdie, meanwhile, has learned to crawl almost as well as her brother and is realizing that wherever he goes, there's usually something more fun (translated: off limits) to be seen, so you'll often catch her trailing behind him. It's very cute, and I'm really loving this stage right now, despite the still sleepless nights.

Well, I splurged and got a quad stroller so I can walk again. It's been almost a year. Well, basically I stopped walking when the twins were born, so a few more months. But it FEELS like forever. My friend who is pregnant and due in June asked me how I possibly walked during my pregnancy as much as I did (almsot 2 miles almost daily) and especially with twins, since she felt wore out with just one and not walking that much. I told her I honestly didn't know, that perhaps part of me instinctly knew I was going to need to build up my strength for taking care of twins I didn't know were there, yet.

But I DO know it was very difficult. Every day it was a challenge, and every step was a battle. By the time the twins DID come, my lower body was skinnier than it is now. Though I weigh less due to the birth, technically I was skinnier then if you take off the belly.

So I'm ready to get back out there and walk again. I liked the time to think, and the kids love the ride, too. We went two weekends ago when it first got warm out, with the two strollers, and I loved walking that stretch again. The two older ones can only go about a block before they're wore out, so I kept trying to think of a way to walk without depending on someone else, which would be difficult for so many reasons.

And I kept looking for quad strollers within our budget. Most I saw cost over $1,000 and there was no way I was paying that. So when I found one on ebay for less than half, including shipping (which was over a forth of the cost), I just HAD to get it.

It should come early next week, and I can't wait. With these nice days, we've been out on the front porch (so it's like a giant playpen for the babies, as the backyard would be impossible with them eating everything in sight!) and the only thing missing is that walk. I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait!

Let alone the nice weather means I eat less sweets. I just don't crave them as much when I'm happy outside. And the walk...oh, it just cleanses you, you know what I mean?

So, here's to Spring and all the good changes it will bring (school being out soon so Boom can be home, a trip to Pittsburgh - our stomping grounds as a family - including the zoo there, the babies turning a year old, and no more bundling to go outside.)

Six Word Memoir

I was tagged by Thicket Dweller, so here it is:

I'm sandwiched between memories, dreams.

Not exactly Nobel worthy, but there ya go. My attempt on few hours of sleep and very little sanity.

I don't know who to tag because no one reads this blog! But thank you, Thicket, for tagging me just the same! It made my day to think you cared :)

On the Move!

Stray paper, pencils, crayons and kleenexes, beware! The girl has learned to crawl!

Booger (new nickname for the boy, and Birdie for the girl) has been crawling for over a month now, but his jealous sister had only mastered the backward's push and would cry in frustration as everyone around her moved with ease.

But no more. Today she actually crossed the entire room. By herself. And clapped for herself with pride!

It's so cute how these two are so their own person that many times I forget that they are considered twins. Of course, physically speaking they only share the dame DNA that their siblings share, and are only twins by the fact they shared a womb, so it should be no surprise that they are individuals. But at the same time, it's neat to see it so starkly when they are side-by-side.

Booger likes to move and is always smiling. My flirt. His tongue hangs out in mischief and glee. His brown eyes melt your heart and his smile warms it up. Birdie loves to smile big and yet is shy around strangers, hiding her face in my shirt. She loves to clap and put blankets over her head to hide her face. She is loud and her tears can drive you crazy, but her blue eyes light up the room when she's happy.

Rugger meanwhile is still as helpful as ever, and is the world's best big brother. He and Pumpkin can't wait for the twins to "grow up" and play, and frankly I can't either. Spring is calling, but for now we'll be limited on our outdoor excursions due to the babies insane desire to eat everything in site, be it ladybugs or rotting leaves, or possible dog poop if they find it. So we'll stick to the porch for this year, with walks inbetween.

I think the light is finally shining on this whole twins thing. At first it was SO very hard for me to process the shock and the reality of having TWO babies when we weren't totally prepared for even ONE baby. But now that they are here they both add they're own charm and love to our world, and I look forward to each moment with them. It's still tough, as it will be, but it's also more of a pleasure now that they are becoming a little more independent.

Even as I type this, they are racing each other on their chubby hands and knees, and I know this is the part of babyhood I'll miss the most. 8 months (9 in a few days!) is that turning point for me, and they become...I don't know how to explain it...more? More understanding of their world. More able to communicate. More fun to play with. More of a person that you can get to know.

Booger has figured out how to make a whistle sound when blowing air through a recorder, and Birdie will buzz away on the kazoo. Booger opens and closes doors just to see them swing on their hinges, and Birdie will tear a Kleenex to shreds for the sheer pleasure of ripping something.

Pumpkin has begun asking me why she won't be going to school, and I'm trying the best I can to explain it to her. She must have heard me explain un-schooling a few too many times, though, because she's determined to learn to read "on her own," which means I can't tell her what any words say. Of course, I tried explaining that SOMEONE has to tell her the word, she can't just make it up in her mind, but she insists that she'll learn on her own.

Oh, well. I hope she eventually starts to ask me, or I might start prodding a little more.

****************

On a separate note, though I'm not doing as much as I like, I have been reading the books for our monthly book club, and one that I LOVED was The Book Thief by Markus Zusak. It's set in World War II in Molching, Germany and is narrated by Death himself. A very captivating book which had me in tears long before the story ended. I don't buy every book I like (I'd own the library!) but I bought this one. So if you haven't read it, do.

And now I must go for the day.

Running On Fumes

It’s that time of year. It’s that stage of parenting. It’s that stage of babyhood.

Either way, I’m running on empty. I’m exhausted. Not tired. Just purely, completely, exhausted.

The babies don’t nap often, sometimes not at all. Normal for my kids, it’s just there’s two at once now. They don’t sleep through the night anymore, also normal, but again, two times the wakings. All the kids have had colds (thank goodness no stomach bugs yet this year) and now I, too, had a bad cold complete with fever and even a back spasm thrown in for good measure.

Which meant my mom coming out to help two babies who wanted only Mommy. And now my back is still sore from not resting enough, and I really have no idea how or if it will ever recover before these two turn two years old. I mean, I always carried my kids until they were over 2…

And it’s March and I want Spring to be here. And I want to go on a dinner date with my husband without babies, which won’t be happening. Because the babies are two instead of one and there’s few who can handle all four kids. Because I never pumped due to nursing on both sides at once ever 2 hours or less. Because they’ve never even touched bottles. Because we don’t trust the grandparents in town and the other ones are too far away to have bonded REALLY closely with the babies enough to leave them for 3 hours.

I tried. Two weeks ago, and I came home to crying babies after just 2 hours. So I know. I’m not even guessing.

And right now, it sucks. I just want a small break. Just a small one. One night of sleep would be nice. One meal without all the chaos. One day without me feeling like no one got enough of me and I’ll never do anything I desire to do with my kids ever again.

I know this too shall pass, but today, I’m just done. And yet I go on…

Letter To A Friend, Whever You Are

Dear Friend,

I wish I knew where you were right now. I wish I knew where life has taken you. How it's possibly changed you. Who you've become. Because in the last several years, I have changed so much, that I can't imagine you haven't changed as well. Maybe you're married, with kids? Maybe a professional in a large city. Maybe living at home doing small jobs.

I don't know. Because you don't tell me. In fact, the last time I spoke with you was over three years ago when by chance we were both in our hometown, me for my Grandma's funeral when my first son was just two weeks old. Before that, you last saw me at the baby shower for my daughter. You gave me your temporary address, said you wanted to see a football game that Boom would coach, and off you went.

I sent you the schedule, along with a comic strip you wanted, and waited. I called and left a message, and waited. And I'm still waiting. Though why, I'm not sure. I even sent you an invitation to my baby shower last year, back before I knew they were twins. I don't even know if the letter got to you as I sent it to the only address I had of where your parents used to live. But it never came back...and neither did you.

I should block you out of my mind. I try to. It seems you've been able to block me out of yours. But for some reason, I can't. I think of you often. I would love to share my life with you still. I'd tell you all about my kids, my love for clay, and my dreams. That's the one thing we shared so well - our dreams. Not GOALS, mind you, but dreams. Things that are possible and so never given up on. Goal may not be reached, but dreams...dreams are always obtainable.

I wonder what you'd think of me and my lifestyle and choices now. I know I'm not perfect, but I'd like to think that I've changed for the better over the last several years. Life has a way of doing that to you. Kids and circumstances have changed the way I think about so many things.

Would you be shocked at how I nurse to candidly? Probably not. At how I sleep with my children? Maybe. At how I've chosen to home school, and even UNschool? Probably.

But I'll never know. When I go on walks I picture you beside me and us talking. I'd like to think you'd like the person I've become. A little less judgmental, a more open person. I'd like to think you'd like my kids, if you got to know them.

And that's what hurts. Because you DO know other people's kids. People who weren't by your side for 6 years of your life. People you changed your life for though you only knew them for a short time. And yet you don't even know I have four kids now. I don't even know if you care...

I wish I knew if you finally accepted yourself as a person. If you finally understand that it wasn't something I WAS, but the fact that I LIKED what I was, good or not. You were never second-rate. You just never accepted what you were...

I wish I could just give up on you. Throw you out of my head and be done with it. But part of me misses what we had. Despite our differences, we shared so many things and you will forever be a great part of my past. I just wish I knew what drove you away from my future, and I wish I could apologize. Because I still love you, and I miss you. A good friend is hard to come by. And apparently, a loyal friend is even harder.

There Are Days...

Lately I find myself in a constant struggle between trying to cherish the moments I have with my babies and at the same time wanting it to be over with so they are two years old and I can enjoy them so much more.

Ever since my firstborn entered this world, I have had the realization that not all babies are born equal. And mine seem to be on the side of the scale known as "high needs." My son wasn't near as bad, but he still required walking most of the day (NOT in a sling, thank you, apparently) and nursing much at night.

But with the twins, it was unthinkable to me once they came out that I'd have to handle this DOUBLE time. And yet here I am...

And my little girl has all of a sudden, and I mean sudden as in the past week only, become JUST LIKE HER SISTER.

She now is fussy most of the time, has stopped sleeping at night and after I nurse her I can't put her down without expecting her to cry a few minutes later only to end up nursing again as anything else just won't do (and this from a baby who a week ago would REFUSE to nurse at night when not hungry!)

She went from falling asleep in the car seat to screaming in it the whole entire ride (and no, pacifiers won't even go near her mouth...her sonic scream scares them, apparently.)

And so I'm back to anxious nights where I don't know after I put them down if I can enjoy a movie, some time alone, or some couple time with Boom before I begin to here her whimper which turns to screaming in 3 short seconds. Will it be 10 minutes after I put her down? 20? Or maybe a whole hour or two?

Who knows. But one thing I do know - it WILL end. Eventually. After she's a year old and I night wean her, which will also involve crying, I'm sure. And if she's at all like her sister, even at 2 years old she'll be quite high maintenance, and I'm not looking forward to it.

But I do enjoy her smiles. She is such a sweetheart beneath it all. And I know it's not her fault.

But sometimes I wonder if it IS mine. I mean, I know technically it can't be (my two boys are SO not that tempermental!) But yet when I see other people with easy babies and kids, I have to wonder why mine AREN'T that way. Why can't I have the baby, just once, who takes a pacifier and who loves a car ride (since I DO travel home, ya know!) and who doesn't mind sleeping without a break? Or who enjoys playing for hours on end without being walked back and forth endlessy?

And so I know that I will be glad when they are older and I know for sure there will be no more. Not because I haven't enjoyed my children, but to be honest, because my babies are very hard work and I'm wore out. I want to enjoy my kids, and more babies would be less enjoying my older ones. As it is, my two oldest pretty much do their own thing all day right now, and I hate that I'm not part of it. I can't wait to join in again.

And as for my sister, the twins are home and doing well. They had a rough time at first with the one girl in the NICU for a couple of days where they fed her formula though they wouldn't let my sister nurse, and my sister developed a spinal headache, then both twins were low on weight so they were told to supplement, which led to nipple confusion, and then they all developed thrush, and one had bad jaundice. So there's the summary.

But now I think they are doing well. Weight is us, jaundice was gone, no more supplementing, and thrush (last I heard) is going away. But I will say it does, unfortunately, affirm the reasons why I choose to stay away from the hospital....

And now I must once again hit the sack, and hope for a few hours before I parent my child in bed, because it really ISN'T her fault, and even if it were, there's not a lot I can do about it (believe me, crying it out will not work for her type - just ask her sister!)

Business of Birthing

Wow. Tonight was a blast. And I just wish everyone could experience these feelings...

Ricki Lake made a documentary about women and birthing, hospitals and homebirths. The are showing screenings all over the place, and one happened to be held about an hour and a half from here, so my midwife e-mailed me and told me about it and I went with her and my doula and met up with my other midwife who was speaking on the forum afterwards.

I was so afraid the twins would be restless and fussy, as they are at that age (almost 5 months!) where they can't do what they want to do, yet, but aren't always happy with you doing it for them, and get bored too easily. Especially after last night's cell group at church where I had to leave the room to calm them down, I thought I must be nuts for wanting to go to a movie screening just because I wanted to meet other women who thought like me...

But I am SO glad I did!

There was about 70 or so people there, mostly college age girls (it was put on by a girl at the college who's training to be a nurse midwife.) The movie was great and well done. Got a lot of responses verbally during the showing (like gasps, laughter, etc.)

During the single C-section scene, the whole room filled with "Ooh..." "Uhhh" "Augh!" They were completely turned off by it. Even after watching several shots of naked women moaning and laboring and birthing their babies, this scene was the first to get a negative response, which I thought was great.

I think it was neat that these girls can see a different side of the American myth that has become the norm in child bearing. That the one great power we as women possess, and that was given to us by God, has been taken away from us in the name of empowerment, ironically. That there are different, better ways of introducing your children to the world.

One point that made me feel better about our births was that many people research cars, houses, etc. and spend lots of money on them. Wouldn't you think it's also wise to research birth and spend money on the one time-event of your child entering this world? To get the outcome that you want, you may have to pay out of pocket, even when insurance would cover a hospital birth. But to me, it WAS worth it. Every penny.

And yet people think we're selfish, like we are putting our desire for this most natural high ahead of our desire for a healthy baby. Yet the two go hand in hand, and often without this natural high the healthy baby only comes after great cost, whether to the baby or else the mother, even if the doctors brush it off.

Anyway, afterwards they were asking questions, and my doula pointed me out, and so the one girl asked that when we discovered we were having twins, how did that play into my decisions to birth at home...and of course my one midwife up front said, "Do not answer that question!" But I did, and explained we didn't know we were having twins...and that not all midwives would do twin home births.

Then as everyone filed out, three different midwives stopped to chat with me, as well as another mom who homebirthed, whose husband was there and also spoke up. (a girl asked how to get her fiance on board with homebirth since he was scared of the idea. The husband talk about how neat the birth was and such, and I mentioned that men can also be proud to have a wife who births naturally, as well as be a "man" and catch the baby or just plain be there...it's an ego boost for them, as well.)

It was neat to mention the movie, "Birth As We Know It" and get nods. It was neat talking about birthing naturally and not getting comments about how archaic it is. It was neat being in the presence of women who understand saving your placentas.

And best of all, the babies were WONDERFUL!!!

They slept to Union City, we ate McDonald's and they were good, they slept (with some in-car nursing in the car-seats one at a time) the rest of the way to Meadville, and they were quiet and content during the film and afterwards, and fell asleep after nursing them on the pillow, and then woke up happy. Went back to sleep (again with nursing and then a pacifier) on the way to McDonald's, then the girl woke up about 10 minutes before home, then the boy and her were crying as I dropped the doula off just seconds from our house.

So overall, a great evening. And now I must go to bed.

But first, on this day of birthing thought, my sister had her baby girls by C-section (elective, 37 1/2 weeks, due to many factors.) They are both healthy and mom is doing fine, first girl was 6 lbs 12 oz. 19.25 inches long, and the second one was 5 lbs. 6 oz. and 18.75 inches long. I guess as of tonight the first baby still has not nursed, and there is fluid in her lungs (chest x-ray confirmed) so I'm not sure if she's in the NICU or not, but were praying not since they'd keep here there 48 hours minimum if she's admitted.

And hopefully I'll update soon, but for now, I must go to bed.

In Which I Compare Myself To A Hobbit

Okay. Big breath. Why? Because I am sitting alone and not holding someone. Not holding someone and not doing housework. Which doesn't happen often right now.

I have so many thoughts I could post about. But where to start? Do I talk about my fears of having everything anyone could want, and thus someday, maybe not today, but someday it will be taken from me. Something will go wrong. One of my children, or my husband, will die. Or I will die.

Do I talk about my torn desire to just have one baby when I obviously wouldn't want to be rid of either one of the twins. But to be able to go to the playground, play with my kids, shop in a store. Things I could do with one baby but are plain impossible with two (who are both exclusively nursing, won't take a pacifier, and of course have two older siblings under the age of five still.)

Or do I talk about my selfish dreams of still doing something someday that's just for ME? Of selling clay whistles and corn husk dolls. Of potting and playing for the fun of it.

But maybe I could mention my worry about homeschooling, especially un-schooling, as I hope to do with all my kids till they turn 12 or so. Will I be able to do it? Do it well? Will I have the time to file the necessary paperwork required by law?

Instead let me just mention breifly (so I can go to sleep while I can) what it feels like right now to be caring for two newborns instead of one (and thank you, Lord, for not giving me three, blessings though they are. And bless those you HAVE given three or more with extra hands they surely need!)

First, imagine an 11 or so pound weight in each hand. Or more accurately, arm. Because this weight is roughly odd shaped and is approximately 22 inches long, say 10 inches wide, and a few inches thick. Not as easy as a dumbell, eh? But that's not all. Now picture said weight to wiggle and squirm and occasionally throw itself away from your body as both are pretty unstable little things. A little tougher, now, right? But then add the bout of crying in there, or the dead weight of one sleeping until you feel it's safe to put it down, and you'll get the general idea.

And then picture this pattern repeated several times a day from 7 AM to 9 PM and you know what I feel like. My arms are sore. Very sore. My legs are sore from the walking and standing and my knees make me feel like a geriatric. Because my kids don't stand for sitting in a car seat all day staring around them or playing with their toes. My kids never have.

From the time Pumpkin was born we have been walking our kids. It's what they've required from us. And it's my dues, I guess. But it's SO much harder with two.

And here's where the Hobbit part comes in. You know how hungry you get from nursing one newborn? I used to starve if I didn't eat at least every 2 hours. SOMETHING. I would shake eventually from the low blood sugar. Same thing when I'm pregnant.

So imagine TWO nurslings! I feel like a hobbit with their second breakfasts and lunches and so on. I am always eating, or wishing to eat. And the babies are growing quite well, thank you.

It's funny how this was the one pregnancy where I didn't have prenatal vitamins (just stopped taking them and haven't started back up) and yet the babies were healthy in utero, especially being twins, went full term, and are bigger than Pumpkin was at their age. Amazing the way God made our bodies.

And that's where I'll stop. Because my brain no longer functions very well. So all my great thoughts are lost on my echoing mind during those moments when I'm walking half of my children around the house and by now I can barely remember what I'm daydreaming about as I fall to sleep. At least that's the one thing I can do better than before I had the twins. I can sleep. No insomnia or pain here, thank goodness.

And so, Good Night. Sleep well.

Friendly with the Flies

Well, I have some pictures to share for the fun of it. And a story.

Picture my two older children on the front porch swinging fly swatters around and trying to get every bug they see. Then picture my sweet, gentle (yeah, right) daughter saying, "Come here fly...I just want to hug you...I just want to kiss you..."



Then she tells me that she's saying this to the flies because they don't want to be killed....so she's basically admitting to me that she's luring them in to mercilessly kill them...

And then maybe you'll understand why I found this particular figurine amusing:


Here's a picture of Rugger with a birthday present favorite - tractors:


And here's more of the twins:

Proof of My Instincts

Well, here's the link to a response to my own thread asking others who knew they were having twins whether or not they could tell physically yet that there were two in there...

Proof

written February 16, 2007

I wasn't planning on getting an ultrasound this time around since the only OB in my area isn't very friendly to homebirthers and in general isn't the best place to go.

But my midwife knows the signs of twins and if she suspects then we'd verify by ultrasound. I'm not sure how soon she'd know for sure, since I was 17 and a half when she was here and I'll be 21 and a half the next time.

It's just that my fundal height seems to be getting higher quicker than it should, I'm gaining weight quicker, etc. And it's probably all in my head, but I just thought I'd ask and see what you gals felt at this stage.

I definately feel only one baby when I push around on my belly, because you can feel the lump and then it swims away after I've poked it.

But like some of you said, if the other baby (if there was one) was underneath, then I'd not know, anyway.

I actually hope it's NOT twins just because I don't know how I'd handle taking care of two newborns at once, and I have only nursed my other two, never dealt with bottles, so I'd want to with this one, too, and twins make it even harder, etc.

Thanks for the input, though, and congratulations on each of your own double bundles of joy! I hope you all have a healthy and uneventful pregnancy :)

Deb