Well, our credit card company should be happy lately. Not that we don't pay it off, but just that we've been using it more this last two weeks.
We decided to splurge and get a portable DVD player (and I also went ahead and got the carrier so I didn't have to make one, that fits on the front seats so the kids can watch from theirs.) We bought a DVD recorder/VCR combo so we can permanantly burn all our old family tapes and such. And tonight we just purchased a Dell bacis computer because we're tired of this one not being able to do anything since it's "SO" old (not even 10 years???)
Oh, well. At least we'll enjoy all three over and over again, so it's quite worth it. But, OUCH! on the pocket book!
And meanwhile, somewhere in the recess of my brain and the room upstairs my clay is calling to me, but I have had places to go and people to meet and I'm not even close to being done. So my precious passion will have to wait.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
Sunday, May 21, 2006
Writings in the Sand
Where do I draw the line? How do I draw the line? More accurately, where does GOD want me to draw the line???
I have been on a journey for the last 3 years. A journey of questions, doubts, worries, and a few brief moments of freedom finding.
Since becoming a parent, I have asked myself 100's of times, How do I present the Truth to my children so they understand and live it?
I know that there is no way I can present the Truth to them if I myself am unsure of it. And therein lies the problem.
I didn't used to be this way. Before. Before I went online. Before I found people who lived their lives differently from me. Who opened up a whole new way of thinking and feeling and living. Who for the most part showed me better alternatives to my narrow way of thinking. Whom without I would have floundered even longer than I have to find a way of parenting infants that fits my style and theirs.
But who also created gaps in my faith. Not on purpose, but by the simple act of stating something I had never thought before.
And so I looked and searched and researched. And answers were many and varied, and I still didn't know. And I still am looking and searching and at times I think I have it until something comes along to shatter it all over again.
How do I know what is Right and Good? For surely there IS a Right and Good? Christ didn't set an example so we could keep on playing in the dirty filth we call fun. But so that we could follow and be light to the dark world around us.
So what IS the light? What is not appropriate for us as Christians? Surely there must be SOMETHING every Christian agrees on? Or isn't there....
"Each person has to decide for themselves." "Only God can tell you where to draw the line." "If it's not in the Bible, it's a grey area, and you have to decide for yourself." etc, etc, etc.
It's the Grey that's killing me. Surely God has an opinion of the grey stuff?? I mean, if there's a Best (Christ) then there must be a worst (opposite of Christ). And the inbetween must fall SOMEWHERE closer to Best or Worst. How can a certain inbetween fall closer to Worst for me, but be closer to Best for you? Or vice versa?
Wouldn't it stand to reason that if one had all his/her Grey matter shoved closer to the Best that there would be hardly ANYTHING they'd consider to be close to being Worst? And wouldn't that technically mean that even something that is Sorta-Worst would end up on their Sorta-Best end instead?
Or from another angle, if someone's line is so close to the edge that even a bump would send them flailing, then wouldn't that mean there is nothing they consider wrong?
So where do you draw the line?
I grew up with the line so far from the edge that I didn't even know what the edge looked like. I was ridiculed for being naive, chastised for being ignorant, and pitied for being sheltered. But I never once came close to falling off that cliff.
On the other hand, I see people dancing on the safety barrier because they, afterall, know they can handle it. It doesn't affect them...
But how can it not? Wouldn't it stand to reason that the closer to the edge you begin, the better chance you have of going over it someday?
But maybe my analogy is wrong. I once was asked if I thought God's Will was like a target, and I didn't get the bullseye then I have missed and messed up my life. Yes, I do think that's what it's like.
But they say it's not. That God can have many plans and as long as you are in His daily will, you are okay. But in my thinking, that still means that eventually you will hit the Bullseye, the Mark, the Goal.
So what IS the truth? How do I find it? I've memorized scripture since I was a kid, and I can talk circles around my OWN theologies, so how to I glean the good stuff and leave the chaff behind? I admit that praying is hard for me. I feel I don't know how to do it right. I talk, I try to listen, I hear nothing. Then I try to guess what I did wrong so I can confess and hear God, and I still don't hear Him.
Why is everyone else comfortable with the choices they've made, but me? And when I think I AM comfortable, I meet someone who disagrees with me, and I begin to doubt again. Especially if GOD told them that THEIR way was right for them. If it's right for them, then perhaps it should be right for me. Afterall, I'm not entirely sure it was God who I heard from in the first place. Maybe it was just wishful thinking on my part.
Yes, I'm a people pleaser, which also translates into me wanting to please God. To the extreme. Give me a list God, I may die trying, but You know I'll try. If it went against everything I feel, I'd still do it. Because I want to get it RIGHT.
I have tried to follow instinct, believing God gave it to me, as a parent. But when all the other Christian parents do something different, then I begin to wonder. God wouldn't tell all the other Mom's one thing and me another, would He? And if so, then how does He expect me to fit in when they start talking about how I should do it "such and such" a way?
So where do I draw the line? How do I draw the line? I feel like the men who accused the woman who was sleeping with a man not married to her, when Jesus began to write in the sand. Maybe they saw what He was writing, but we don't know. But I feel like my lines are all written in the sand, only I can't make them out. And when I think I see where they are, the prevailing winds come and they fade away.
I'm a lot closer to the edge than I have ever been before, and believe me, it's not always easy. I liked being safe, and I'm not convinced that that isn't the better place to be. But I don't know, and I don't know if I'll ever know. But I want to know.
I want it to be more than just writings in the sand.
I have been on a journey for the last 3 years. A journey of questions, doubts, worries, and a few brief moments of freedom finding.
Since becoming a parent, I have asked myself 100's of times, How do I present the Truth to my children so they understand and live it?
I know that there is no way I can present the Truth to them if I myself am unsure of it. And therein lies the problem.
I didn't used to be this way. Before. Before I went online. Before I found people who lived their lives differently from me. Who opened up a whole new way of thinking and feeling and living. Who for the most part showed me better alternatives to my narrow way of thinking. Whom without I would have floundered even longer than I have to find a way of parenting infants that fits my style and theirs.
But who also created gaps in my faith. Not on purpose, but by the simple act of stating something I had never thought before.
And so I looked and searched and researched. And answers were many and varied, and I still didn't know. And I still am looking and searching and at times I think I have it until something comes along to shatter it all over again.
How do I know what is Right and Good? For surely there IS a Right and Good? Christ didn't set an example so we could keep on playing in the dirty filth we call fun. But so that we could follow and be light to the dark world around us.
So what IS the light? What is not appropriate for us as Christians? Surely there must be SOMETHING every Christian agrees on? Or isn't there....
"Each person has to decide for themselves." "Only God can tell you where to draw the line." "If it's not in the Bible, it's a grey area, and you have to decide for yourself." etc, etc, etc.
It's the Grey that's killing me. Surely God has an opinion of the grey stuff?? I mean, if there's a Best (Christ) then there must be a worst (opposite of Christ). And the inbetween must fall SOMEWHERE closer to Best or Worst. How can a certain inbetween fall closer to Worst for me, but be closer to Best for you? Or vice versa?
Wouldn't it stand to reason that if one had all his/her Grey matter shoved closer to the Best that there would be hardly ANYTHING they'd consider to be close to being Worst? And wouldn't that technically mean that even something that is Sorta-Worst would end up on their Sorta-Best end instead?
Or from another angle, if someone's line is so close to the edge that even a bump would send them flailing, then wouldn't that mean there is nothing they consider wrong?
So where do you draw the line?
I grew up with the line so far from the edge that I didn't even know what the edge looked like. I was ridiculed for being naive, chastised for being ignorant, and pitied for being sheltered. But I never once came close to falling off that cliff.
On the other hand, I see people dancing on the safety barrier because they, afterall, know they can handle it. It doesn't affect them...
But how can it not? Wouldn't it stand to reason that the closer to the edge you begin, the better chance you have of going over it someday?
But maybe my analogy is wrong. I once was asked if I thought God's Will was like a target, and I didn't get the bullseye then I have missed and messed up my life. Yes, I do think that's what it's like.
But they say it's not. That God can have many plans and as long as you are in His daily will, you are okay. But in my thinking, that still means that eventually you will hit the Bullseye, the Mark, the Goal.
So what IS the truth? How do I find it? I've memorized scripture since I was a kid, and I can talk circles around my OWN theologies, so how to I glean the good stuff and leave the chaff behind? I admit that praying is hard for me. I feel I don't know how to do it right. I talk, I try to listen, I hear nothing. Then I try to guess what I did wrong so I can confess and hear God, and I still don't hear Him.
Why is everyone else comfortable with the choices they've made, but me? And when I think I AM comfortable, I meet someone who disagrees with me, and I begin to doubt again. Especially if GOD told them that THEIR way was right for them. If it's right for them, then perhaps it should be right for me. Afterall, I'm not entirely sure it was God who I heard from in the first place. Maybe it was just wishful thinking on my part.
Yes, I'm a people pleaser, which also translates into me wanting to please God. To the extreme. Give me a list God, I may die trying, but You know I'll try. If it went against everything I feel, I'd still do it. Because I want to get it RIGHT.
I have tried to follow instinct, believing God gave it to me, as a parent. But when all the other Christian parents do something different, then I begin to wonder. God wouldn't tell all the other Mom's one thing and me another, would He? And if so, then how does He expect me to fit in when they start talking about how I should do it "such and such" a way?
So where do I draw the line? How do I draw the line? I feel like the men who accused the woman who was sleeping with a man not married to her, when Jesus began to write in the sand. Maybe they saw what He was writing, but we don't know. But I feel like my lines are all written in the sand, only I can't make them out. And when I think I see where they are, the prevailing winds come and they fade away.
I'm a lot closer to the edge than I have ever been before, and believe me, it's not always easy. I liked being safe, and I'm not convinced that that isn't the better place to be. But I don't know, and I don't know if I'll ever know. But I want to know.
I want it to be more than just writings in the sand.
Saturday, May 06, 2006
Busy, busy, busy!
This week I:
- Went to a new church for the second time, including Sunday School and a carry-in/annual meeting afterwards.
- Helped Boom move his desk upstairs to the attic, along with my sewing machine and all his stuff
- Moved my desk to the living room and moved the fish tank to the opposite wall
- On Monday I re-arranged the living room which included drilling a hole big enough for two cable wires through our thick double 100 yr. old floor boards, un-splicing and re-splicing phone wire for the computer, moving all furniture and entertainment center and computer
- Went to small meeting at library to discuss a small application tape for "Deal Or No Deal" for one of the group members
- On Tuesday I visited with the pastor's daughter/associate pastor's wife and her kids and the kids she watches; had a great time talking
- Wednesday was shopping day (grocery and Walmart) and then Awana where I felt like a liar and betrayer
- Thursday was story hour and then I made shish-kabobs for supper then we met with the pastor
- Friday another quick errand at the store and then on to a lady from our current church's house where we took 7 hours to make 6 stepping stones for the ladies retreat next weekend (which I'm not going to in case you wanted to know) Wanted to tell her since she's also in charge of Awana, but didn't have to heart or courage to....
- Today I've cleaned all the rooms, almost and tidied up everything and the kids are in the bath, I'm next, then more shish-kabobs.
There - there's my week. How was yours?
- Went to a new church for the second time, including Sunday School and a carry-in/annual meeting afterwards.
- Helped Boom move his desk upstairs to the attic, along with my sewing machine and all his stuff
- Moved my desk to the living room and moved the fish tank to the opposite wall
- On Monday I re-arranged the living room which included drilling a hole big enough for two cable wires through our thick double 100 yr. old floor boards, un-splicing and re-splicing phone wire for the computer, moving all furniture and entertainment center and computer
- Went to small meeting at library to discuss a small application tape for "Deal Or No Deal" for one of the group members
- On Tuesday I visited with the pastor's daughter/associate pastor's wife and her kids and the kids she watches; had a great time talking
- Wednesday was shopping day (grocery and Walmart) and then Awana where I felt like a liar and betrayer
- Thursday was story hour and then I made shish-kabobs for supper then we met with the pastor
- Friday another quick errand at the store and then on to a lady from our current church's house where we took 7 hours to make 6 stepping stones for the ladies retreat next weekend (which I'm not going to in case you wanted to know) Wanted to tell her since she's also in charge of Awana, but didn't have to heart or courage to....
- Today I've cleaned all the rooms, almost and tidied up everything and the kids are in the bath, I'm next, then more shish-kabobs.
There - there's my week. How was yours?
To Everything There Is A Season
We don't give up easily, Boom and I. At least we try very hard not to. But we were beginning to feel so downtrodden every time we walked into church that we had to do SOMETHING.
After months of soul searching and praying (more on his part than mine - I just kept hoping it'd get better) we decided to finally try the church here in town that we'd heard about and that we knew at least a few folks who attend.
The first Sunday was okay, enough to try again. The second Sunday we knew. This was where we wanted to be.
I hope it's not wrong. I hope this is where God is leading us. Boom thinks so - God always leads him; I just follow. I keep thinking that anything that might make me happy God wouldn't want, so I can't completely feel at ease with this. And everytime I go to church on Wednesday I feel like a traitor and a liar.
What hurts worse, though, is that no one has noticed our absence, or at least not that they've mentioned. But that's how it's been - that's why we wanted something else.
A church is supposed to be a family, a support, a fellowship. We need friends, not just mentors. We need people who will help encourage us in our Christian walk, not just wish us good luck.
The people have always been friendly and nice, just not to the point that we felt appreciated beyond the warm chair and the positions of service we filled.
So we are moving on. How we will break it off we don't know, yet. How they'll respond we don't know yet. Whether the new church will be all that different we can't say for sure, yet. But we won't give up. Somewhere out there....there has to be people who like us for who we ARE, not what we DO. I hope this is that place....
After months of soul searching and praying (more on his part than mine - I just kept hoping it'd get better) we decided to finally try the church here in town that we'd heard about and that we knew at least a few folks who attend.
The first Sunday was okay, enough to try again. The second Sunday we knew. This was where we wanted to be.
I hope it's not wrong. I hope this is where God is leading us. Boom thinks so - God always leads him; I just follow. I keep thinking that anything that might make me happy God wouldn't want, so I can't completely feel at ease with this. And everytime I go to church on Wednesday I feel like a traitor and a liar.
What hurts worse, though, is that no one has noticed our absence, or at least not that they've mentioned. But that's how it's been - that's why we wanted something else.
A church is supposed to be a family, a support, a fellowship. We need friends, not just mentors. We need people who will help encourage us in our Christian walk, not just wish us good luck.
The people have always been friendly and nice, just not to the point that we felt appreciated beyond the warm chair and the positions of service we filled.
So we are moving on. How we will break it off we don't know, yet. How they'll respond we don't know yet. Whether the new church will be all that different we can't say for sure, yet. But we won't give up. Somewhere out there....there has to be people who like us for who we ARE, not what we DO. I hope this is that place....
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