The Thought Train

Where do we go from here?

2010-12-03T17:40:00.002-05:00

Well, today Jim got fired from his coaching job.

There's so much I could say, and yet I feel like words wouldn't do it justice. Do I mention the fact that we believe that God brought us out here solely for this school, this team? Do I mention that we were on the fast track out of here until the coaching job opened up? Do I mention that it's been his DREAM, DESIRE to coach at THIS school?

Or do I mention the hundreds, perhaps thousands of hours spent pouring over film, creating plays, talking to the boys, dedicating his life to kids who looked up to him like a father, just as he had HIS high school coach?

In the end it doesn't matter WHAT I say. "They" made a decision. Who "they" is we have a pretty good guess at, and "Why" and even better guess. And it has nothing to do with the wins and the losses. Because not enough people have backbones, and don't stand up for what is right, people who care less about what is good and more about what they want won today. They got what they wanted, at the cost of a man who gave nothing but his all.

I'm not sure where we go from here, what we do. I do know that regardless of whether they find another coach, and even if that coach wins games...they will never find ANYONE who cared as much as Jim, who put in the hours he believed necessary to do the best for the team, regardless of what anyone else thinks.

I am proud to be a coach's wife. And I stand behind my man.

Always Something New

2010-11-07T15:19:00.007-05:00

I know it's been awhile, AGAIN, since I last blogged. But for the sake of excuses, I'd rather have something TO blog about, than to chat on about nothing in particular.

I promised pictures of my next idea - I've got something even better - the finished product! Here are some recent pieces I'll be adding to Etsy soon:

These are two pregnant women in yoga-like poses, gazing down at their blossoming bellies.

Another two pregnant bellies, this time with just the torso and a hint of appendixes. Both glazed, one clear, the other a Blue Rutile, though I was disappointed that no blue showed up.

Two more bellies with carved designs and smoke fired. The profile of the tree of life one is below:

This is an idea I'd like to expand on - women in labor.

And here are some necklaces that I played around with:

The mothers above are my original designs of attachment parenting concepts.
And lastly, I promise to try to get past my fear of screwing up and start getting my hands messy more often. I have a ton of ideas brewing in my head, none of which are even remotely close to the ideas in this post. Some are great for the ren faire, and some I'm hoping are great for anytime. But the point is, I won't know until I try. So try, I will.

This last picture is of my colored porcelain (mixed with mason stains) soaking in water to become slip. I really want to try sgraffito and other slip methods with these. So here's to not giving up. See you very soon!

So much in one year!

2010-04-20T14:14:00.002-04:00

Wow - I can't believe I haven't posted anything in a whole year! I CAN say it'a been a great one :)

The twins are getting so big right now, almost 3. Becca still is a princess at heart and loves to change outfits and shoes all the time. Logan is ALL boy - running, climbing, jumping, and full of energy. Caleb is still my caring, yet questioning, young man, and Amber is my ever-sweet young lady, who is learning to read already!

And me? I'm doing mostly fine :)

I'm gotten back into my clay, even selling ocarinas at the local medieval faire last fall, and hopefully again this summer. I've also done a LOT of searching my heart on the other matters I've written about here.

I can to a point once again where I was trusting men to be faithful (men here meaning "mankind" or humans in general - not the male species of humans.) And once again, they failed me. And I thought that God was not worth it if these are the kind of people who serve Him.

But ironically, while watching the movie "Into the Wild" I couldn't ignore God plainly telling me that it IS in the communication with people that we grow, and that we need to be. Even imperfect people, which we all are.

And so I am. I am imperfect, and will be. And I still don't know where God has called me to be, but I'm hoping that each step I take is where He is, anyway, and He'll still use me there. In my clay, in my circle of crunchy women, in my neighborhood, and even with the lonely Amish woman whose husband is an alcoholic and now they've been shunned.

I still don't have all the answers, and even more questions. But I think that's okay. If God is who He says He is, then I don't need to know it all in order to bring His love to everyone I meet.

I have learned not to be so critical or judgmental (Oh, I still have plenty of opinions!) But I try to see it from other people's perspective. My way isn't always the best, but I am confident it's the best for me. And I can't make people believe in God or trust in Him. I have to trust that He will call them in His own time, and in the meantime I can only live the best I can and LOVE ON EVERYONE.

Stopping abortions doesn't change lives. Taking away condoms doesn't change lives. But loving people ALWAYS changes lives.

In some small way, me caring about women, and babies, and nursing, and co-sleeping, and friendship...these all tie in with what God wants for us to be as people. Loving, caring, and representing His love to each other.

I firmly believe, and I know many will disagree, that attachment parenting best represents the love God has for his people. If not, then frankly I DON'T want to be part of His family. Why would I want to worship someone who doesn't love me with everything He has? But he does, and he did, and he will...

I also don't think that the Sandra Dodd websites were helping me much. They were lost in their own self-righteous world of do's and don'ts, though they may not see it that way.

I'm floating by for now, and Amber is not that old, and maybe at some point I will add curiculum. But for now we're doing what works for us. And that's fine.

And maybe next year I gain new insights, and change my ideas about some things, and that's okay, too.

I would also like to point out that I made many new friends in 2009. I met a bunch of wonderful women through my midwife up in Erie, and the biggest downside is that they live an hour away. But it's so refreshing to have other women who parent like me who I can talk to without being defensive or sounding odd. The only downside is that I'm afraid they would think less of me if I explained that the reason I don't go to the labyrinths and such with them is that I feel odd being a Christian and doing those things. I'm not even sure they are wrong for me, but for now they feel so, and so I stay away. But I love these women dearly, and I am grateful for them daily.

I also made a group of friends at a small Bible study with Joyce, and these girls are the first group of CHRISTIAN women I've felt at home with. I think because they all admit they aren't perfect, either.

And lastly, we lost a dear friend last year, our dear tom cat Cebu. He was almost 11 years old, when he got a small scratch from another cat that I didn't notice until too late. They had to perform surgery on him, and besides having blood poisoning already, he never woke up when they were done. That morning he was playful and happy, and it was the last thing we ever expected to happen, and my heart still mourns for him. He is dearly missed, even though we ended up getting a new kitten from my in-laws.

And that pretty much sums up 2009. It was overall a year of growth and happiness, with a little bit of life thrown in for good measure.

Full Circle

2009-01-28T10:37:00.003-05:00

It's amazing when you hear God's voice. It's amazing when *I* hear God's voice. Not audibly, like the big booming voice of Darth Vader declaring, "I AM YOUR FATHER!"...though I have often wished that God did talk to me in such a way.

No, the way God talks to me is in more subtle ways, using other people and their words to reach into my heart and confirm or answer my searching questions.

*************

When I was in high school, I had my first experience of encountering God. Oh, I had grown up with Him in my life before that. From the time I came into this world my parents were praying over me, for me, and as soon as I could talk, with me. But I had never experienced what some would call a conversion. I accepted Jesus into my heart when I was just a few years old, in the innocent way only a child can. Without understanding theology or reason or even right and wrong, I knew that I wanted to go to this wonderful place called Heaven when I died, and so I raised my hand along with several other young children that day.

But it wasn't until years later that I began wrestling with the idea of an all-powerful, all-knowing God that created this universe and has invited me to share it with Him. But my first questions didn't come in the form of intelligent mind-bending paradigms...it came from the heart.

**************

Placed in a private, Christian school with an average of 30 per class grade, I was quickly designated to the lonely position of "outcast." With my unruly curly hair, an apparently something else I couldn't define, I was an easy target. For the next 8 years I endured bullying, teasing, and just plain exclusiveness from other children. But that all changed drastically when I entered high school.

Switching to a public school of over 200 in my graduating class, I was terrified on my first day. Thoughts of standing in the cafeteria as table after table of students refused to share a seat with me filled my mind, and I was almost paralyzed when I walked onto the school bus. But it only took one day for me to realize what 8 years had not: It was NOT about me.

Not one student ever made fun of me in the four years I attended that high school, save one who made fun of everybody, and thus was also the brunt of many jokes himself. In fact, I made many friends and had the best time of my life as I enjoyed different classes and extra-curricular activities. I would gladly relive those years of my life over again.

But this presented a dilemma. Eight years I had been surrounded by claimed Christians, most of whom attended the same church I did. Eight years I had been made fun of, shunned, and hurt. And as soon as I entered into the wider, relatively "un" Christian realm, I was treated with kindness, fairness, and joy. Not that these people were perfect, but if you had to guess which ones were going to heaven based on their behviour and treatment of people, you'd definitely have to take the second group. (Does the part of scripture where Jesus says, "I never knew you" ring a bell here?)

So what was I to think of this God - whose "children" persecuted me and whose "enemies" welcomed me with open arms? I had seen and heard too much of Him to believe that He did NOT exist. That was too much of a leap for me. But there was one thing I could easily believe - that He either didn't know *I* existed, or He didn't care. Either one, for me, was a deal-breaker. If that's the kind of God that wanted me in Heaven, I'd rather, frankly, be in Hell. And I wasn't kidding.

So...I made a deal with Him. If He wanted me to be a Christian, then He'd have to touch me in some way, to really let me know that He cared about ME, that He loved me. Otherwise, I would no longer call myself a Christian...

Well, I won't go into details with the rest of the story, because I have more to tell, but let's just say that a visiting pastor mentionted that some people at the service that day "needed a touch from God" and to come up to be prayed for. It was the first time I had ever done so since I was a kid, and the words he prayed over me let me know that God did, indeed, know I was here...

***********

Fast forward several years. I had been through the gamut of church services where people erupted in laughter, singing, and falling down, all in the name of God. I wanted desperately to feel what I saw around me, but never really submitted to whatever it was that was going on.

The breaking point came when one woman at our church told about her vision of a laughing Jesus...that he looked like a clown, and she was able to laugh. For her it opened up a new way of relating to Jesus instead of the stern, unmoving figure she was used to picturing. But to many in the church, her story bordered not only on the rediculus, but on the blasphemus.

Thankfully, at the time, I was away at college. But back home, my church family, which I had known for almost 15 years, split apart. Most stayed, but many went in several directions. My own parents visited many churches for years afterwards, looking for a place they could call "home" as much as they had once called this church home. It broke my heart when I would visit at home and had to attend different churches where no one or very few knew me, but worse, it shook my foundation of faith.

********

When my first daughter was born, we were attending a church we loved very much. We had friends, and the doctrine was sound, and I truly believe that we found a family of believers that walked and not just talked. But soon the questions would start forming in my own journey to becoming closer to God.

Raising Amber, I learned several things. But the most important was that the things she required was, in many circles of Christianity, considered odd, bad parenting, or at worst just plain wrong. I nursed her on demand and often. I slept with her in our bed, and carried her all the time so she didn't cry. I was, in short, attachment parenting. I would not wean her anytime soon, or move her to her own bed and room, or put her down to "cry it out" ever.

But articles from Focus on the Family or shows on the local Christian radio station would point out these very things as being less than the parent God had designed me to be. I thought hard about it, I prayed, and I searched my deepest being. If what I was doing was so wrong, why did I feel that it was the way God planned things to be?? I understand that you can not depend on feelings alone to make wise decisions, but how else was I to know what God wanted me to do? The Bible didn't have any verses about co-sleeping or child-led weaning...

A few years ago, while pregnant with the twins, I read Rob Bell's Velvet Elvis. It changed my life. Now some may say "The Bible should do that for you, not some book." But let me explain. He finally put into words all the things my heart was thinking, and wondering. He talked about a God that wants more than anything to love the world that He created. That our focus as Christians shouldn't be less about showing people their sin, and more about showing them God's love through us. The New Testament Christians were in service to those around them. And the ones that act like modern day evangelicals, arguing about theology and bragging about who is more holy? They're the ones admonished in the epistles. And yet here we stand, pushing people away from God with our self-righteous standards and holier-than-thou attitudes, and we neglect the very people God passionately desires to be with. We act like we are the fortunate ones who were smart enough to accept Christ, and the rest of the world, well, fooey on them. But that's NOT how God sees it...The Bible says He rejoices more over the one lost sheep than all the sheep He already has. Maybe Christianity isn't what I've thought it was all these years...keeping track of the "rights" and the "wrongs", worrying about the proper interpretation of scripture, of the dogma we all knew but never understood. We treat the Bible as if IT were the god...as if it wasn't written by human hands. I read one man claim that the Bible speaks for itself as being infalible. Oh, then I guess THAT cinches it. I DO believe the Bible to be the Word of God, and I believe it is INSPIRED by God. But I believe humans wrote it, and that we can't claim to know what every word's intent was, or how much was written as story vs. hard fact. (There ARE things we can know, but whether Jonah was a true story or just a story....that kind of thing)

Then I read Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. Again, the idea that God is actively seeking for a relationship with us...that He's not just sitting on His throne judging me, but that He's actually courting me, wooing me...and that my job is to love everyone around me, unconditionally...something not truly practiced in most churchs...(you've heard it..."but they're gay"..."she's getting an abortion - the murderer!"..."he swears and smokes and drinks...") Did Jesus run away from these people, or did He befriend them? (the verse about coming for the sick, not the healthy, comes to mind.)

But the most imporant thing is that as I turned to unschooling as a way of raising my children, continuing on the journey they began at birth, I learned even more principles about how to model the relationship God wants with us. We don't have to train our children to obey us, as most Christians believe. We think that obeying means trusting, but it doesn't. You can obey someone out of fear, which is what most of us are taught to do. If a child doenn't obey, they are spanked. This teaches a child that if they don't respond a certain way, they will be hurt. It does NOT teach them to trust the person hitting them.

On the other hand, if we show our children that we intend good things for them, that our goal is to make them happy, then when we DO say no, they are far more likely to listen because they TRUST that we have THEIR interest at heart, not OUR HIDDEN AGENDA. True trust comes from love.

And the point hit home with me just this week. I have been questioning the "why's" of life and death and several people in our community have lost loved ones tragically this last year. And I have been fearful about losing my own loved ones. And someone suggested the book The Shack by William P. Young.

I. Love. It. The first sentence that I cried at was this, "You don't believe that I love you, so you cannot trust me."

And that's it. That's the core. I have never truly believed that God. Loves. Me. Sure, it's the gospel message. Sure, that's what you always HEAR. But I never saw it modeled out - not by Christians, anyway. I always lived in fear that if I did the wrong thing, God would strike me down. I had to learn all the rules of living "the right way." Don't do this. Do this. Don't do that. And if I messed up, I knew that God would be disappointed. And yes, there is difinitely truth in that. But we somehow missed the part that emphasises how much God loves us...me. That no matter WHAT I do, He'll still love me. No matter how I am right now, He still loves me.

In the same way I love my children, even when they screw up, God loves me. Even when my kids are dirty, smelly, or less than happy. I still would die for them in a heartbeat. Like Jesus did for me.

I can have a relationship with my children that is give-give. I don't need to demand their obedience. I can serve them out of love, and naturally, they will want to serve back (I know it sounds contrary to what we were told...but that's just it. How do WE feel when someone serves us? We want to repay them with kindness...it's the way God desgined it!)

And then I saw this video with Rob Bell, and I cried some more. It's not that God will keep storms out of my life, but He will still be there, like a father, holding me closer than ever...and that's how I'll get through it. It's not just that He's God, and He knows best. It's that He love ME, and wants ME to be happy. If I truly, really, believe that, then I can trust Him when the unthinkable happens.

When Amber broke her arm, she squeeled out the words, "Oh, WHY?" in pain...and though I couldn't have prevented the break (technically speaking, I could wrap her in bubble wrap, but that is not living - same with out lives in this world), I WILL be there for her to help her as the arm heals. Her arm will never be the same as it was unbroken, but where the bone fused, it is now stronger. And so our faith with God can be stronger after a tragedy, if we trust Him, if we believe He loves us...

And though there are a TON of people out there criticizing Rob Bell, Donald Miller, and now William Young, I am one who has been touched by the idea that have allowed me to think outside the religious box I put God in. That I now see Him as someone interested in ME, and MY LIFE...and that Loving is more important than Getting It Right...

I've finally come back to the place where I started. If You love me God, then touch me...and He has.

Looking Forward

2009-01-05T10:29:00.002-05:00

It's a New Year. And I'm looking forward to all the things this year will bring.

Our Christmas was pretty good. In fact, Pumpkin claimed it was the "best Christmas EVER!!" which is pretty telling, in her 6 years of red and green...

We stayed home vs. traveling to my parents, as we had traveled for Thanksgiving. When the babies are older, we'll try to make it out for both holidays, again, but for now it was nice staying here and just relaxing.

We got Rugger a 10$ "rock" guitar with strings to strum, since his bango guitar had broke. He loves it, and I'm glad we didn't get the $30 real guitar which he wouldn't have been able to play, yet, anyway.

The best thing we got Pumpkin was two little play sets - one a pony with an oven and baked goods, and the other three little zoo animals with a house. She said it was just what she wanted. :)

We even had a New Year's Eve party at my in-laws and Pumpkin stayed up to watch the ball drop, which didn't impress her, of course. But we all enjoyed playing pool and eating junk food.

We had a surprise of sorts, which also was a little sad. Friends of ours lost their beautiful newborn daughter less than two weeks after she was born, due to a cord accident in the womb. The father's family purchases season tickets to the Buffalo Bills home games, and since they were all still grieving, they offered the tickets to us and we brought another coaching couple with us to the game.

It was fitting of Buffalo - cold and very windy. Boom had only ever been to two other Bills games at the stadium, both in crappy weather against New England, and both losses. This was no exception :)

BUT, the tickets were BOX SEATS!!! Soooo, we were indoors, warm and cozy, and one of the highlights for me was watching a fan run onto the field only to be taken off by 5 security guards who escorted him to the waiting judge below the stadium. I never knew there was a judge during NFL games...you learn something everyday.

It's amazing to watch the kids grow. Birdie has liked baby dolls and stuffed animals for awhile, now, but she's also getting into playsets with little people and animals, driving them in their cars or sitting in their chairs. She reminds me so much of her older sister, who used to set up little scenes in the most unusual places all over the house. I'd be walking by the TV or sink only to find a dinosaur staring up at me, his latest kill still stuck in his jaws....

Booger on the other hand is fixated on buttons to push and things to open and close, not a good combination for all things electronic and expensive around here...

Birdie also loves reading. The only downside is that Birdie is the more agressive of the twins (something she proved during her birth) and will push Booger away every time she wants something or doesn't want him to touch what she has. Booger, unfortunately, just runs off and cries for help.

Overall, this is a fun stage, though the house is always a mess. I pick things up only to see them scattered again tenfold...and that's the way it will be for awhile.

But hopefully by this year's end, I will have gotten back into my clay, possibly won some money from Crazy Aaron's Thinking Putty, tried a used treadmill, and had lots and lots of fun playing and learning with my kids :)

Over the Rainbow

2008-12-31T00:27:00.002-05:00

As I sit here listening to "Over the Rainbow" from the soundtrack to the movie 50 First Dates I can't help but picture the ending scene where Drew Barrymore is looking out over the sea with the mountains in the backdrop and the sails aloft on the sunny, breezy morning....and I love this song and the way it makes me feel.

I've been down again today. We had a great Christmas, and I'm looking forward to the New Year, with a "real" party for New Year's Eve, no less. But there's three things I have been thinking about:

Death -

In days past, and not so very far away, death was accepted as part of life. It was expected, even. Most families had more children who died than lived, and to grow old with a spouse was almost unheard of. To grow old in general is something that very few did. But in our time, in this country, we view life as a right everyone deserves, and to a ripe old age. When people die, we talk about them being "stolen" from us. And in a way, they are. But only because we have the view that it is normal to expect them to be with us forever, or until the "normal" time for dying comes...around 90, maybe?

But death IS a part of life. Even God must see death somewhat differently from us, as He killed many people without much of a thought in the Old Testament. I can be comforted, though, that Jesus mourned both for Lazerus and for John the Baptist. This means that when it is my time to face death or loss, my sadness won't be unexpected. And yet, I hope that I can also see that it is a part of our human fate. That I have no right to expect happiness all of my days. I will welcome the joyous times, no doubt. But to think that harm will pass me by is careless and a form of denial.

Someday, I, too, will mourn. I hope it is not soon, and I can only pray that when it does happen that God holds me up. For there are some things that I will never understand this side of Heaven...

The second thing I've been pondering is:

Confidence -

Why is it that I can't be confident in who I am? Who God made me to be? Part of it is that I'm always second guessing who that person is. Or who that person is SUPPOSED to be...Am I doing what God wants me to do? Being who He wants me to be? Or am I missing the mark?

I look for other people who I feel comfortable with, and as I am around them I begin to think that they have all the answers. So I try to be as much like them as possible. And yet I fall short. And so when another group of my friends get together, and I know they are smart and well-rounded individuals whom I respect and like, I feel out of place because of the ideas I present from my other group of friens. This group feels differently, and I feel on the "outs." I want to be accepted by both groups, but find I fall just short in both arenas.

It appears that despite my desire to fit in and be accepted, I still stand apart. And yet that's okay, too. But it would be nice if I had people come up to me and say, "You know...not only do I think that what you are doing is great, I think it's so great I want to do it too!"

I want that pat on the back that says I'm doing a good job. That people like me. That I am okay. Funny how grade-school ostracism never strays too far from the ego...

Part of me is okay with who I am. Confident that my children are doing well. But the other part says I'm a failure at everything I do. Good enough but not outstanding...

Which leads me to the last thing on my mind:

Art for the Sake of Fun -

I haven't touched my clay in forever. But I haven't even touched my needle felting. Not for lack of time. Or ideas. But for fear. Fear of failing. Fear of wasting money. Fear of falling short.

I spent a lot of money on the materials for needle felting, and I haven't done that good of a job on it. Of course, the best way to learn is to practice, and yet if I practice just for the sake of practicing, then I feel like I'm wasting all that money. I want to make things that "count." Toys for the kids, gifts for friends, something worth something.

It's a reflection of my life. I want to make something that the world sees as worth. I want kids that people think are well-raised. A home that looks well-kept. A craft that looks well-made. Conversation that sounds well-thought.

I can't seem to accept God's seal of approval for the fact that I'm just me. That my hubby loves me and thinks I work hard and come up with great ideas for crafting. That my kids love me.

And so as I listen to this music, I think about the things that are good in my life. And it truly is a wonderful world I live in. There's enough negativity out there, and I don't need to search for it.

But the positive...there's SO much of that, too. And though on some days it's hard to find, when I look it's hard to miss. And I think, I truly think, that if you could weigh the good against the bad, I'd still come out on the good side.

There's still a lot of bad to work out. But God isn't finished with me yet. He's still smoothing out the sides and gently burnishing the sharper points on me. I look forward to seeing what changes He'll bring in 2008...

It Just Keeps Coming

2008-12-17T23:07:00.002-05:00

Last week's headlines in our local paper told the story of a trio consisting of an angry ex-wife, her brother, and their friend who conspired to kill her ex-husband in cold blood, leaving his sons to find his dead body on the back porch when they got home from school. Apparently the killer also practiced on their pet dog before shooting the father.

Today in front of Boom's high school a fed-ex truck slid sideways causing another car to run full-on into it, and a tracker trailer tipped over trying to avoid the accident. The young man, only 22, driving the car was killed. The son of a family we're friends with, who happen to also be homeschoolers, I can't even imagine what his mother and siblings are feeling tonight.

And for the whole season. This year, for so many, 2008 will be a Christmas they will never forget. But for all the wrong reasons. And I'm having a hard time not getting down about it.

So the best I can do is be thankful for my family. Live in the moment and know that I didn't waste even a day. Because if my daughter dies when she turns two, I'll know that those two years weren't spent "training" her to be an adult, but appreciating her for who she is now.

I'll know that I didn't let my children fear if they didn't have to, or cry if I could help it. Yes, there have been times of fear and several tears shed. But not because I forced them to cry it out in a dark room while longing for me. Not because I force them to obey arbitrary rules just "because I said so."

Now, more than ever, I am thankful that I am on the unschooling journey in our lives. Not just accademically, but whole living. I have so much joy in my life right now with my children and husband. I cherish them completely, and am glad for each new day with them...

Tis' the Season

2008-12-12T00:10:00.004-05:00

This year I have so much to be thankful for. Unfortunately, I wish I could say the same for many of my friends and family.

A couple very close to us not only split up, leaving the kids wondering why, but one of them now has another person in their love life, which means they probably won't be working this problem out. I feel awful for our friends, and even more awful for their kids, who are already showing physical problems of stress (wetting pants at school...)

Another couple celebrated the birth of their beautiful daughter last Sunday after Thanksgiving, only to find out less than 24 hours later that something went wrong and she started suffering seizures which ultimately cost her her life just last evening. She was declared brain dead less than 48 hours after she was born, and struggled to live just over a week after that so her parents could hold her and say goodbye. She was their firstborn, and instead of celebrating her first Christmas, they are planning her funeral...

Another family lost a wife, daughter, sister and friend as a woman gave birth and then suffered blood loss and eventually died leaving behind her husband and firstborn daughter. She was younger than I am and Boom was friends with her in school, and she taught at the local elementary school in the area...

I've been trying to get a hold of my old best friend from high school and college. Her name is very common and I haven't been able to track her down in years. But I ran into luck by finding her sister on Facebook. However, the cell phone number I called and left a message at hasn't returned my call, and the sister claims she's looking for an e-mail address but had just been busy. The thing is is that she's gone to movies, hung out with friends, and regularly posts to facebook, so I'm not sure is she just can't find the e-mail or doesn't ever talk to her sister to get it from her, of if my friend is avoiding me.

I really hope she's not because for some reason that hurts more than it should....

But we are doing really good here ourselves, and I am grateful. The twins are just as wonderful as the older two are, and I'm having so much fun with them, though I am constantly chasing them around and having to remove them from danger and clean up all.the.time!

I made some laptops for the older two out of coldpress board:

The screen is just printed on paper and I have acetate in front of it. I like them, anyway :)

It amazes me how much these kids pick up things. Rugger notices every last detail in everything, even my parents' bedroom - the little lamp on their bedstand - when he hardly even goes into a room. And today Pumpkin was serving "Burger King" food and only had fries but Rugger wanted chicken nuggets. I told her that that WAS his order, he's not asking for the french fries she has. So she blurts out, "Well, we're fresh out of them, so NOW what do you want?" I'm guessing Sponge Bob was where she picked that up, but I have no idea! LOL!!!

I look forward to this Christmas, and I pray for comfort for those that can't.

Trick-Or-Treat!

2008-11-01T00:11:00.003-04:00

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!

Here are my two most favorite pumpkins that I carved this year. I told you, I'm enjoying trying new things! The top one I got from a book Pumpkin checked out of the library. The bottom one is my own idea.

Tonight (I know it says it's November 1st, but that's only because I'm up past midnight...) we went trick-or-treating. And at the last minute, I decided to dress up too!

This was the first year, ever, in my whole life, that I dressed up. I was going to go as a fairy, since I have a good skirt and I could borrow Pumpkin's wings. But they didn't fit well and when I mentioned to a friend that I'd love to have Pumpkin's pirate costume (which I got at the Outpost - our church's hand-me-down place) she said she had some stuff that I could use and so I became a pirate! Which spurred Rugger to become one two and she brought some of her son's old stuff over for him.

Birdie is a fairy and Booger is a train engineer.

Rugger tried on the pants, boots, and belt I was planning on wearing,

So I got him another shirt and pants he could wear,

Until our friend brought over the "real" pirate costume he just HAD to wear!

My Hobbies Expanded

2008-11-01T00:00:00.002-04:00

I ended up buying some Crazy Aaron's Thinking Putty after all, and I entered the contest for 2008. Here's my entry:

I also ordered some needle felting kits online and made this lion for Rugger, who chose the colors:

I'm really enjoying trying out new things, and it helps me not dwell on my lack of clay contact!

Fall, fall, fall

2008-10-31T23:53:00.003-04:00

A most perfect fall this year, and we are enjoying it by riding and walking and jogging!

We made ghosts using plastic grocery bags and marker stuffed with newspaper. They were "ooooo"ing when I took the picture, and we hung them on the porch where they swayed in the wind.

We made critters out of old pine cones and nut shells, except Rugger make a snowman out of Styrofoam balls...

For Pumpkin's birthday, she wanted a castle cake from Family Fun Magazine:

Crafts

2008-10-31T23:44:00.003-04:00

Corn husk dolls:

Paper mache pumpkins: (Pumpkin's is a "baby pumpkin", which is why it's green.)

Other side of pumpkins: (Rugger didn't like his and asked me to draw another face on the other side...)

Cut apples before we dried them. These were our first ones, which rotted, but I had a picture. The next group I dried in the oven,

And they turned out like this:

I've always wanted to play with toothpicks and marshmallows:

Newsprint & More

2008-10-31T23:34:00.002-04:00

The babies having fun on a new desk from our church's hand-me-down store (which is run by volunteers and gives the proceeds back to the community - lots of cool stuff!) Birdie is barefoot by choice :) Usually she's topless, as well!

A fort from rolled up newspapers:

And a sword and cardboard shield with a t-shirt cape:

Lots of Photos

2008-10-31T23:20:00.004-04:00

Okay, I'm actually going to break this up into several posts for ease in case you don't have a fast connection. But some of these go all the way back to August...

Back around the time of Rugger's birthday, Boom made him a chainsaw out of wood:

For Rugger's birthday, I made this cake from Family Fun Magazine:

And the kids wanted to frost some cookies, so we made these:

Her First Cartoon!

2008-10-08T22:05:00.002-04:00

Pumpkin loves cartoons. Well, most people do. But she has been asking about how they move and who makes them talk and such for over a year now.

So I felt it my duty to show her how stop motion animation works, and let her draw her own cartoon:

Yes, she has a somewhat sadistic sort of humor (*wink*). Seriously, though, like most young kids she finds most things funny that in real life would not be, including potty humor. It's just a kid thing, trust me.

Speaking of trust...I have been rolling ideas about in my head for weeks now regarding Radical Unschooling (as opposed to just academic unschooling.) I went on a well-known RU forum on Yahoo Groups, but unfortunately I didn't know the rules, or rather, the "culture" of the forum. I'm not part of many forums that DON'T either post rules or just let you come in and chat, so I was unfamiliar with their particular style of discussion, and long story short I got my feelings hurt.

But they'll be quick to tell you it's not their job to see about my feelings, but to discuss unschooling. And so I got over the jab to my emotions (mostly) and have been lurking and learning now. We have been mostly RUing for our whole time as a family since Pumpkin was born, but now I'm trying to be even more trusting with our children, and it's an interesting mind shift.

We did finish some of the crafts I had planned on trying, and when I get my pics transferred, I'll post them. I also came up with the idea today to make colored ice cubes to make a mini ice sculpture. Alas, I filled one of the trays up too full and all the colors merged into brown when I picked up the tray to put it in the freezer. But I'll do it at least two more times so they have plenty of blocks, and next time I'll be sure not to fill it too full.

I think I'm starting a new hobby!!! I ordered some needle felting supplies and I'm going to attmept to make sculptures from wool. I also have been brainstorming some ideas that I might actually be able to sell, which would be great! I specialize in dreams, though, so who knows?

Today my midwife called me up and I might be going with her to see one of her Amish new mothers tomorrow to encourage and advise her with breastfeeding her infant. I have wanted to become a post-partum doula someday, when the kids are older, and so I look forward to this visit. I get nervous, though, because I never want people to feel "less than" when I talk about what they can do to help themselves. I like to cheer people up, make them happy. But I also like to see them succeed.

This is where I differ from the owner of the RU forum I was on. She also wants to see people succeed, but she doesn't have the goal of cheering them up. There have been many messages in my life this week that have made me realize that this is okay. She is who she is, and I am who I am. She wasn't wrong, and I wasn't wrong. We both look at things differently. In the end, her advice is still the same, and in the end, I still get to choose if I want to take it, or not. And that's the beauty of it all...

On a sad note, I think some people very close to us are making some very unwise decisions. They've been making some unwise decisions for awhile now, but it's getting to the point where they will be hurting their kids for the rest of their lives. And I feel angry, and hurt, and just plain saddened that they can't see through their own pain to the pain they are causing their children. Their children didn't CHOOSE to be born. They didn't CHOOSE to live with this family. And so it is the parents' responsibility to make sure that their lives are secure, and so far they are doing lousy at it. I love these people VERY much. And BECAUSE of that, I hate to see what's happening. The irony this time is that the mother wants to "simplify" her life by being by herself and with "her" kids. I wonder if she hasn't noticed that most single mom's lives are far from being "simple."

All I Want For Christmas

2008-09-22T00:15:00.003-04:00

Is THIS!!!

This stuff comes in Glow-In-The-Dark, Temperature-Sensitive Colors, Marbleized Colors, and even a Magnetic putty!

Plus, it's cheaper per ounce than Silly Putty, and it comes in a larger amount for adult-sized hands and in a very nice tin to store it in!

Now, if I could only afford the $500 to buy just about all I really want of it! Of course, they also sell 1 lb. bags of the stuff, and even customize colors with PMS charts or for promotional items the tins can carry your logo!

But there's more...if I can get a tin (or three?) before Christmas, I could enter this contest. Talk about incentive! The only thing is, it's hard to tell what would win since I think a lot of the previous submissions were better than the chosen winners....

But it says that EVERYONE who enters gets SOMETHING...so I'm now starting to really think about this!

************************

Anyway, non-putty related news...

Rugger pedaled off two days after Pumpkin, and they've been fighting over the pedal bike ever since. I'm waiting until Spring to see how tall Pumpkin is then, though I may ask our friend and neighbor (who is more like a Grandma) what size her son's are that he's selling when we see her tomorrow.

Another reason I want the putty is because I like clay of all types, really. And one thing I want to do with the kids sometime is make our own clay-mation video. It wouldn't be that hard, just time consuming.

Today I helped them (okay, did most of it!) paper mache a few balloons to make into pumpkins to decorate for fall (Pumpkin always wants to be official and is excited that TOMORROW is fall...or today as I'm writing this after midnight...)

So we have to wait, like, 5 days for the stuff to dry because I put all three layers on at once because when am I going to find the time or desire to get that messy all over again? Then we'll paint our pumpkins on. Pumpkin says her's is a baby pumpkin so she'll paint it green :)

Here's the list of other stuff I want to do with/for them:

Make corn husk dolls. This one I think they will actually be able to do apart from tying the string.

Make wrinkly apple dolls. Again, if I help, they can probably carve them somewhat. Then just wait to dry.

Make magazine paper bead necklace and bracelet. They already made a shell bracelet and necklace, but this one will look more "cool" in my mind, and they'll have fun rolling, I think. And they'll be able to string them easier than the shells, which will be nice.

Make a button-man key chain. I need to buy some elastic string for this one, and I'm not sure I have colorful buttons, so I'll have to check.

Either way, these will be fun and something for them to look forward to. Now if I can only convince them I need to pay my bills and clear off my desk first!

Fudge-cycles

2008-09-13T16:00:00.002-04:00

No, that's not a typo, it's just a summation of the last two days and new things we are doing in our household!

First off, Pumpkin and Rugger have been accompanying me on our walks with their balance bike, and are really doing quite well. So well, in fact, that I thought they should try their pedal bike.

Well, first they did it on our mini-hill in the backyard (gliding about 20 feet or so), and then I said to glide and then lift their feet up, and eventually to add the pedaling motion in.

Pumpkin was the first to get it, and took off really well, though stopping quickly because the grass is just plain hard to ride in, especially for an almost-6 year old. Rugger does okay, but mostly when he touches the pedals he loses faith and just doesn't think he can do it. He's actually better than Pumpkin at the balancing and will turn his bike around and off-road and everything, but just doesn't want to try the pedals.

Anyway, last night we took Pumpkin and Rugger over to the school parking lot (can't do it without someone to help with the babies) and Pumpkin took right off pretty much on the first try, and by the third try I was jogging to keep up with her! She was great! Had to work on her breaking a little, they're the back-pedaling kind, but other than that, she now has it down.

Rugger on the other hand, still wouldn't do it, but went EVERYWHERE with his balance bike. Up the curb, jumping off the curb, squeeling away and going round and round....so when he DOES learn to pedal, I'm in trouble!!!

Can you say Emergency Room??? I just closed my eyes a few times because I was sure he would fall. Of course, last night he DID fall, and because I hadn't thought to have them wear their helmets, he now has a big shiner on his forehead. Bad mommy....

Anyway, this morning I tried my hand for the first time at fudge making. It wasn't very hard, and I did the complete bare-bones kind - no chocolate chips, cream, or corn syrup. Just butter, milk, sugar and cocoa. I also did a peanut butter kind with brown sugar, milk, butter, then corn starch and water with the peanut butter. And both had vanilla.

Anyway, they turned out DELICIOUS!!! Boom likes fudge, and so I made it officially for his birthday, which isn't technically for another week, but since my parents were here we celebrated anyway.

Here's the recipes if you want to give it a try:

Old Fashioned Chocolate Fudge

Cathy's Peanut Butter Fudge

Ignore the pictures - this stuff is great!

Also, read up on HOW to make fudge correctly, because the directions don't include the "no stirring while cooling to 110 degrees" thing...

I also got a few new shelves from my parents (they didn't need them anymore since my dad make built-in shelves in their new room that he made from their porch), and I had fun putting my pottery out where I can actually see it for once. I was then able to get rid of another plant stand that I've never liked but needed for the space. Overall I'm happy with the rooms, if I could just get rid of all the junk! Toys, toys, and more toys....

Anyway, here's the video of Pumpkin and Rugger. Ignore me and my awful pink pants and frizzy bed-head hair. I promise, some days I actually DO get ready in the morning!

Moving On

2008-09-08T13:16:00.002-04:00

Well, last weekend I rearranged the living room, and then this past week I cleaned up the kitchen, so it only seemed appropriate that I finally address the bedrooms.

It started when Pumpkin and Rugger decided to play in their "club house", which happened to be our bedroom. And so I decided to ask them if they'd like their own room to play in, and sleep in, with all of their toys (which the babies can't get to with a gate on the door) and they enthusiastically said, "YES!!!"

So I began moving. Beds. Dressers. Shelves. Without Boom home, I used some muscles that I haven't felt in awhile. And with the humidity, I was dripping more than once. And I realized again just how much JUNK (oops, I mean TOYS) we really have. Finding homes for all of them is a day-long job....actually I was up way past bedtime still putting things away.

But I finally got it all done. And with two mattresses I got from my midwife we now have Pumpkin and Rugger upstairs in the big bedroom, with the little bedroom serving guests and a toyroom for the babies. And downstairs is Boom and I with the babies next to us in a twin bed. Which is still being worked out as the babies are used to sleeping in certain positions...namely against me and Boom!

I did miss the two older ones, though they didn't miss us. (Rugger DID burn his finger on the new lamp I put on their beds, but didn't even cry out, and the blister is HUGE, which he then TORE OPEN....!!!) I guess he isn't one for talking during Children's Church on Sundays, but yesterday he told the kids all about his new lamp, and the burn (which I didn't know about) and how he picked it (Pumpkin's idea as she told him she chews her fingers - which she gets from Boom), and then the bandaid I put on it....the whole shebang. He had the older kids rolling on the floor laughing because they've never heard Rugger say so much before. And the teacher (our pastor's wife, a wonderful, funny Irish woman) kept trying to continue with the lesson, but then Rugger would jump right back in with, "...and then my DOG..."

I also found a lot of stuff to get rid of or send to the Outpost (our church's local hand-me-down store which is non-profit, doesn't pay the volunteers, and the proceeds go to local needs.)

The only thing that made me really sad was all the baby blankets. I'm keeping the ones that are so familiar that looking at them is like looking at me oldest daughter's smile. They are the ones I can still see her in, all the way through her brother, and even down to the little ones. They'll stay for playing with, and then eventually as keepsakes.

Well, I don't really want to end this post, but the babies are both climbing on me, and are trying to destroy the computer, so sianara!

While I Can

2008-08-31T21:58:00.003-04:00

Since I seem to blog a lot when I'm feeling down, I figured I might as well post again while I'm feeling happy. That's, what?, three whole blogs in a row! Yeah!!!

Anyway, today was another day that went pretty good. Booger was tired during church and so he fussed the entire time through worship and down in the nursery, but then went down for a 2 1/2 hour nap, which is unheard of around here...

I did some "fall cleaning" yesterday, which felt good. I shampooed our carpet for the second time since buying our Kurby over a year ago (the first time was less than a month ago!) and rearranged our lazy boy chair to where Boom had wanted it originally. I had it my way for 2 years, so I'm trying it his way, just because I do love him so!

And the twins are just being great for me, as well as they can be between all the trouble they cause! But it's just plain looking up right now.

I am excited about Boom's birthday as we got some things I know he'll like. He's hard to buy for as he doesn't really like gifts. He says he feels blessed enough just to have us (awww) but I'm a gift-giver, so I like seeing him enjoy things. And I also think I know what Pumpkin will be getting.

Now if only our team would just get to the playoffs and do well, this should be a good fall. Though I'm not sure about winter - I heard geese over two weeks ago for the first time, and that can't really be good, can it?

I am also thinking about starting another blog when I get into my clay again. So I can bore anyone with my step-by-step stuff. I can't wait for that, either. I actually found a thread over at mothering.com where the women were discussing the fact that they literally physically ache to create, which is hard to do when attachment parenting little ones. You can't just create in 10 minute spurts - you need to dig down deep and let yourself go....

So I'm not alone in my all-consuming yearning for my clay. They might have different yearnings, but still....painting, sculpting, whatever...it's the same need.

I almost forgot to mention that tonight the twins didn't go to sleep while nursing. So I just took them upstairs and laid with them. And I've done this a few times before with similar results. They both lay there quietly, Booger squirming a bit, then settling, with Birdie somehow laying on me, face down or turned away from me but with the majority of her body touching mine. And this is how they fall asleep. And I absolutely love it.

And lastly, here's a quote from the swingset:

"Hey, Rugger...you remember when you farted in Birdie's face?" :laughs:

"Yeah..." :chuckles: "That was funny...."

Kids....

So THIS is what you do...

2008-08-29T14:02:00.004-04:00

Okay, I tend to love crafts, and science experiments, and all such fun things. Maybe that's why I love unschooling. But this idea came straight from my son, Rugger.

Ever since I brought home a book (Make It Work! Machines - from Scholastic) from the library on Sales Day (biggest yard sale of the year here) he has been begging me to help him build this rocket:
So I finally decided to do it today. We got the cardboard out, the babies loved helping with the tape and glue, and this is what OURS looked like:

Not quite as colorful! But as you'll see, just as functional! Here's the video:

And lest you think I only cater to my boy, my daughter asked me to make her a marionette for her after seeing one at the zoo. Now THIS took some time to make!

Yes, it's a zebra. And there are strings connected to the head, and all four legs. I used straws, toilet paper roll, pom poms, and felt. For the handle I used bamboo skewers which I cut to length. There was no directions for this guy - he's all from my head!

Booger has decided that he hates bathing now. Pumpkin went through the same phase, and he'll just scream while I wash him and quickly get him out, much like Pumpkin at that age. They were also the only babies who screamed while infants bathing...

One of the booster moms has been sending blueberries home with Boom and I am LOVING it! I made batchs of pancakes, a pie, muffins, have been eating them on my homemade granola with yogurt, and of course just plain! They are delicious and I'm addicted! Thank you!

Our friend from church, who is more like a grandma or mother to me, also brought over 3 gallons of applesauce from her dutchess apple tree. I'm so thankful for such generous people in my life.

It reminds me of last year when so many people helped out with the twins. There was supper for a couple of months, and things still came pouring in long afterwards. We truly felt like we had one huge extended family in our community. Thank you, everyone.

My Little Princess

2008-08-28T22:10:00.004-04:00

I can't say for sure that Birdie will love dressing up as she gets older, but I DO know that for now she absolutely cracks me up!

She was running around buck naked with these necklaces on, and I just couldn't resist! She loves putting ANYTHING on or taking it off. Necklaces, shirts, blankets, her daddy's underwear, my bras!

Anyway, I forgot to mention that I also made homemade caramels for the first time this last weekend. My friend and neighbor (one and the same) came over to help me and did most of the work while the two little ones kept crying for me to hold them (I can't wait for the stranger anxiety phase to be done with...one is bad enough but with two!)

We used a candy thermometer I just bought at this cool kitchen store in the mall (I don't ever go to the mall, but wanted to see what Old Navy had for sale, so stopped in the kitchen place for the thermometer) and it is THE COOLEST place ever. So many gadgets! So many colors! Too many kids with me wanting to grab it all and chew on it or play with it!!! Which is good, because I would have spent enough time in there to convince myself to buy SOMETHING I don't really need....

Anyway, we had to wait for the caramel to cook enough to cut and individually wrap, and even dipped some in melted Dove chocolate (yum!) The chocolate ones kind of became puddles as it was so warm in the house that the caramel was starting to melt by that time. But it still tasted great.

Tomorrow's our first game of the season. Boom's already dealt with a couple of injuries, more politics, and some other stuff. I so wish I could watch the game from the stands - cold as it gets eventually. I miss watching the band and hearing all the people, and being able to SEE what's going on. But as it is the kids are going to drive me nuts, and realistically they probably shouldn't have to be drug to the games, but what can I do? I want to be there, and I'm not leaving them at home. It's just too bad that my parents don't live here...

Affirmation

2008-08-27T22:10:00.002-04:00

Well, today I spent awhile online at Mothering.com discussion boards. I go there when I need to hear other people who think like me so I feel better about the choices I make. I know, how lame....

Anyway, I was glad to see other people discussing homebirth and the fact that even though we take responsibility for anything that MIGHT go wrong during a home birth, it doesn't mean we are putting our children or ourselves at risk just so we can have a cozy birth. Truly. I don't get why people think that we haven't informed ourselves, studied, debated, and even prayed before we've made these decisions.

Or that midwives are some hillbilly yocals who have no idea what to do if a baby is in distress. Geez. You'd think that we were performing surgery with our own hands the way some people talk about it.

And then there's the unschooling crowd. It was neat how a lot of them were discussing that the term "unschooling" is rather negative, so the alternatives were brought up, though most people said they simply don't label what they do. I tend to do both - mention the word "unschooling" or else just describe loosely that I don't use textbooks and schedules and such. Most people haven't a clue what I'm trying to say, anyway, and it's probably best they don't else they think my kids are learning nothing because I'm not teaching them.

But the coolest part was this link:

http://fivefreebirds.blogspot.com/2008/07/unschool-v-school.html

It was so neat to see that he did okay even though he never once was taught anything in the traditional sense. And then I caught this:

http://fivefreebirds.blogspot.com/2008/08/unschooled-v-schooled-comments.html

So we'll have to see what it's like when he's done.

Anyway, it made me feel better to see the end result of what I'm starting now. It's those little tidbits that I need to keep me going.

I should have mentioned that I got Rugger (well, it's for all the kids) a balance bike from Kinderbike. He loves it and is getting very good at gliding down our small grade behind the house (I mean VERY small grade...) I wish they sold these in Wal-mart but oh, well. He loves it, and insisted on the horn that his grandmother got him, as well as the mirror. I do love that kid!

Pumpkin and I finished a puzzle book we started yesterday. I do miss going through things like that with her. We've also been playing puzzle games on the computer. She picks them up very well, and it surprises me sometimes.

I'll say again I'm enjoying more the groove we are in for now. If only the babies would stop trying to destroy everything! Birdie was heading down the driveway in the general direction of the road, and both of them keep playing in the dog's water and eating his food. They've been tearing off the toilet paper again (this time it's mostly Birdie) and she'll tear up the diaper wipes as well. She even threw a toothbrush and cup in the toilet, though Booger's the one who figured out that it flushes....so they make a terrific, terrible team. *sigh*

This, too, unfortunately, shall pass. And I'll miss it...sometimes :)

My Alternate Life

2008-08-26T22:13:00.002-04:00

Today was the first day that Pumpkin did NOT go to school. I mean, she didn't go to school for the past two years as well, when all her friends were in preschool. And our church DOES have an outstanding preschool which is only a couple hours for two days of the week, so it wouldn't have HURT her or anything...I just chose not to send her...

But today is the day that officially everyone who is schooling their children by kindergarten sent them off, and Pumpkin remained home. So officially, I am homeschooling. Or mostly just NOT schooling...

We had a good day, mostly. We got up when the babies did, ate breakfast, went on a walk, played outside, read books, ate lunch, played outside some more, and just relaxed. Mostly the same stuff we've been doing all summer long. When the kids (or rather babies) weren't getting into trouble I was reading a book.

It's amazing how much they are growing, and I love it. I so look forward to this year and the coming ones as they start understanding physical dangers more and I only have to deal with the emotional and mental and spiritual aspects of parenting. Or rather FOCUS on them, as I'm sure there will be other physical hurdles in my future (can anyone say ER and sports???)

But overall, I had a good day. Though I did fantasize a lot about my pottery.

I don't know if it's just me or if anyone else does this, but I talk to "myself" a lot, only it's not me, it's the person I WANT to be talking to, or maybe I'll be thinking about what I'll type into my blog later (95% of what I THINK about typing, I never do. I only post about 5% of the blogs I've typed in my head, due to time and energy....)

I will do this with my lips visibly moving, however, and I'm sure people must have seen me while on walks doing this, and I wonder what they think of me. If they wonder if I'm crazy. And maybe I am.

But I can't help it. I picture the best scenario possible for my future. I always do. This is not to say I never worry or wonder about my future. I do. A lot. But not while fantasizing. When fantasizing, everything goes my way, and works out, and I am good at what I do. Call it positive thinking, or what-have-you. It's how I pictured my births, for that matter. How I pictured my marriage, my kids, etc.

And strangely enough, many times things DO turn out pretty close to what I picture, though not always. Luckily I have enough pessimism in me to recognize that the very worst MAY happen instead, and if or when it does, I take the blow in a "I knew it" sort of way, and deal with it.

Either way, I was lost in thought much of today. I'm glad I never had to take a philosophy class, because I think it would have killed me. Literally. I was thinking about how what is best or right for me is not best or right for the world, and I do this often. I go in circles as I try to reason and make the logic work, and it just doesn't.

I can't rationalize how much control a person or people should have over lives. Who decides what is right and wrong? Who has the authority to enforce it? We can create lives and prolong lives, but we can't end them? Why is one end of the life spectrum allowed but not the other? Because it's positive? Not always. Some babies that aren't aborted are beaten to death. Some babies not left to die live on machines that eat and breathe for them, and brain waves hardly register at all. I wouldn't call that positive. Or some people are in so much pain they pray daily to leave this earth. And yet think that the higher road is to prolong their agony....

But I cannot say who it is who can judge these things apart from God. I cannot say whether creating life in a tube, or cloning, or pausing life is okay.

When does the individual's choice become overridden by another individual's right? If my son had died in childbirth, would you blame me for his death because of my choice to homebirth? What if he had died in the hospital...there is no blame because I was in the "right" place? Or is it because you can blame the professionals? Is that like blaming the school when your children do not learn?

Or is a child falls ill to a simple disease that we have vaccines for - is their parent to blame for not vaxing, yet when a child falls ill to the vaccine and dies - the parent is not to blame because it's the "normal" and accepted thing to do?

When is discipline considered abuse, and who decides how much right another has to oversee this? If I decide to use home remedies instead of use antibiotics, but it is found out later that I should have used the medicine, am I wrong? What about the mother who smokes in front of her kids, knowing the harm. Should she be taken away?

In a world where morals are relative, who decides? We discussed a book last month called "The Infidel" where the author points out that we are protecting the Islam religion in the name of tolerance, but denying the muslim women their rights as humans as they are being beaten and killed in the name of Allah. Yet if we step in and prohibit them from practicing their religion, then who will next stop Christians or Buddists or Hindus from practicing?

We have protected children in public schools by giving them the easy road and a way out. In the name of kindness we have stripped them of ever learning how to cope in the real world. We promote sameness and yet strive to remain unique.

Have humans always struggled thus?

I try to live as naturally as possible. As if mankind had never moved past the garden. And yet I recognize the benefits we have acheived as well. So I, too, am an oxymoron. And yet I have peace with what I have chosen.

I just wish others agreed. And yet they can't. Because by doing so, they automatically condemn their own choices. We can agree to disagree...and I guess that's what I'll have to live with. But darn it if I'm not so difficult that I actually wish we COULD all agree. Me and my black & white world....

Pictures!

2008-08-02T23:45:00.007-04:00

Okay, so I changed my look just a tad (I still love the old one, what can I say?) and I got to add some pics of my favorite people! But while I'm at it, let me bombard you with some more from our recent happenings:

You'll notice that Pumpkin is not smiling in most pictures. She thinks she can't smile and so as soon as you grab the camera, will stop smiling, but if you ask her to smile, she tries too hard and makes a very fake smile that is almost worse than not smiling (thus her reason for thinking she can't smile.) So she's not unhappy, per se, just not able to naturally smile at the moment...

This is the two pouch slings I made from one of my Moby wraps.
I've actually used the slings like this a couple of times now.

This is the stroller I push the kids in each day almost 2 miles. The work out is worth it!

Here are the two little ones chillin' on the counter while I cook. I have pictures of the older two doing the same thing, actually. My kids hang out here often.

Here are the four of them on a rock at the zoo.

Here is one of Rugger climbing the ropes at the Pittsburgh Zoo.

Here is Pumpkin sliding at the same place as the ropes.

At the hotel the kids had way too much fun

And lastly, here is a link to a place where I posted some pictures of me tandem nursing or the kids co-sleeping:

http://www.naturallyparentingtwins.com/drupal/

It's a great site where I don't feel weird for parenting the way I do!

Growing So Quickly

2008-08-02T22:21:00.002-04:00

We went to the Erie Zoo yesterday, just the six of us, and we had a pretty good time. The babies slept on the way there while the older two watched Sponge Bob (and Rugger only asked once about 5 minutes out if we were there yet.) So Boom and I got to chat some without any interruptions, which was nice.

It's amazing how just a couple of months can make such a big difference. In April my parents went with me and the kids to the same zoo, and the babies hated it. Wanted held (by only me) all day. This time they loved it - the train, the carousel (though Birdie was scared once the ride actually started up and needed held), even the animals. Birdie would do her sweet little amused giggle when she saw the animals move, and Booger would point if we pointed to something (though he didn't aways see what we were looking at as was evidenced by his pointing to a rope while Daddy was pointing to the animal BEYOND the rope!)

We ate lunch at the playground and the older two couldn't wait to play, so we pushed the babies for awhile in the swings. I do wish this zoo was bigger, but it makes it easy to go up and head home. The downside is the ride there is an hour, as is back, of course, so that kind of stinks for the gas and time.

But these past couple of days have been good to me. The babies are at a good stage right now, for the most part. They can climb this little stairs and slide set I got from our church's thrift store for 5 dollars. Birdie slides on it the "correct" way sitting up, and Booger will laugh and just throw his body on it belly down and slide down feet first. Birdie has taken a liking to stuffed animals (and dolls until I made one "talk"to her) and will hug them to her chest which is too cute! Booger still is such a stinker and will sniff out the remotes and phone (he actually dialed 9-1-1 the other day so I have to really hide it now) and will eat paper, dirt, and dog food like I don't feed him or something!

I just look at them and I love this age. Their little curls at the napes of their necks, their fine hair and bright eyes. Their waddling little gait and huge grins just because. They seem on the verge of using actual words, which I can't wait for.

It's strange. I don't want any more kids, and I really don't want to be pregnant ever again (not that I could - we took care of it on Boom's half), but there was a part of me that recalled being at all the zoos last year when I was pregnant, and I must admit that a part of me is sad that that stage in my life is over. I will never again be with child or birth one into this world. And I don't want to - but it's just strange that being a woman means that you wear different hats in your life, more so I think than men. And two of those hats have forever passed in my lifetime for me. I was more than blessed to have known them, and I will enjoy the next phase probably more so. But still, it was strange knowing that that part of me is gone, if you will.

It was sweet. Thursday night I was walking in the yard holding Booger's hand, and he would take a few steps, then look up at me and smile, walk some more, look up and smile. And my heart just melts. These two are definitely at the point where I really start enjoying the journey. I look at Rugger and Pumpkin and I can't believe how they've gotten here so quickly.

Rugger says to Boom yesterday "Don't eat all that, Daddy - we just bought it!" regarding the Nutella. What he doesn't know is that it' s been ME eating it all up! He moved all the toys out of the yard so Boom could mow, even though Boom wasn't home, yet. I can't recall what it was that Pumpkin said the other day that impressed me, but she is getting too smart for me sometimes. I love it :)

Well, I'm going to see if I can change the template for my blog now that I have DSL...

Down

2008-07-25T23:10:00.003-04:00

Tonight I'm feeling down. From nothing in particular, and yet from lots of things combined. Stupid little things that make me feel stupid.

And I miss Boom. I hate when he's away. It just feels as if I'm not all here when he's gone. Even though things are hectic right now with the babies and all, we still feel complete at the end of the day when we're lying in bed together and our family is all there. And I don't get to tell him all the itty bitty details of my day since there are people here to hear our conversation, and people there to here him as well. And so my day isn't complete, I'm not at rest, and he isn't here to make me feel better, which he always does.

Why is it that sometimes when it seems like you should have nothing to complain about, there are little things that loom larger than life, and you feel so minute and insignificant, or worse you feel like the worst thing alive. I feel like I've been had, and less than what I am. And I know there's no basis for these feelings, but that's why I need Boom.

It's like the movie "Jerry Maguire" where he says, "You complete me." That's how it is with us. Boom may not be a runway model. (thankgoodness because I'm sure as heck not, and I'd be always afraid of him leaving me if he WAS the kind of guy every girl looked at!) But he IS the kind of guy a girl wants when she's feeling down. When the world turns against her, when she needs someone to believe in her.

Boom has always been my biggest fan. My strongest defender. And he's the only one who absolutely thinks I'm always beautiful (even with unshaven legs, glaringly white skin, frizzy curly hair, red cheeks, and all the other quirks that are me.)

I know there are a lot of people who can't stand the thought of spending every minute of every day with their spouse. But not me. I used to work with him once, on the night shift. And people were amazed that we got along. But we THRIVED that way. Being together constantly. The only downside is we get along SO well we don't tend to get our jobs done (like at home, I don't get cleaning done and he doesn't get schoolwork or work around the house done.)

But otherwise, we'd rather be with each other than with ANY ONE ELSE ANYWHERE. Period. We have our hobbies, but to be honest, even those we try our best to share because we WANT to be with the other person.

This isn't suffocating to us as it is to some. I've heard many women complain that they want their husbands out of the house because they annoy them. I've heard women complain about a lot more with their men. And I guess I'm shocked that so many women only picked their husband on his good looks or something, because they really don't seem to like the man at all.

So Boom, I love you. Very much. And I miss you. And every time you're gone, even for a day, I pray that you will safely return to me. For without you I am literally lost. I can't function. And I'm glad you forgive me for the stupid stuff I do without you. I feel like we truly have merged into one and that when you're not here, it's like I'm missing an arm and trying to make up for it but end up acting clumsy instead....

So please come back. Soon.

A Year Has Passed

2008-07-23T22:44:00.002-04:00

Well, the twins are now a year old, and they didn't even get a proper birthday. No presents, barely a cake, and hardly any family.

BUT, they got to see fireworks! We went to Boom's brother's house on the river where they just moved in, and their neighbors come up once a year from Pittsburgh with a bunch of friends (rich folk) and put off a VERY good show of fireworks, right there on the river.

VERY, VERY, nice. We loved it, and it was the first fireworks Pumpkin and Rugger got to see, too. We didn't make it to any parades or anything else because it's just too hard with the babies. We did go to Pittsburgh early in June and had a WONDERFUL time at the zoo and especially the hotel and then briefly in the city. The kids loved the elevator, and Boom and I missed the diversity of the people in large cities. We decided to make it an annual trip, we had so much fun.

But on to now. Birdie is finally walking. She is SUCH a cutie! She's definately stolen our hearts. For all the doubt we had about whether we'd be okay with "just" another girl, we wouldn't have had to worry. She had us both tied around her fingers. She makes faces all the time, and when she laughs, you feel like you discovered a beautiful secret all of a sudden. She loves holding small things, and won't let go of what she wants. She'll push Booger, hit him (though to be fair it's often in a "I like you" sort of way) and crawl over him if she wants to get somewhere or take something from him. She likes kicking her little feet while sitting on the edge of seats, and can down food pretty quickly without making a mess like her brother does, even when he DOESN'T down the food.

She enjoys the animals. She'll pet and pat the cats, and loves patting and petting Boomer when we go on walks. Her little chubby hand just barely reaches him over the stroller bar. She'll still stick our her tongue with new foods or if she doesn't like something. And make that "plttt" sound. She also is still shy with anyone knew and will cry if left alone in a new place or if someone looks at her the "wrong" way. She's also quick to cry when things scare her.

Booger is just always on the go. Walking around just for the sake of walking. And often tripping over his own feet more than over toys. He wants to eat anything we do, and then some, including paper, kleenex, dog food, and especially dirt. He loves sippy cups, like his sister, and he tries to drink from regular cups but still chokes. He understands the command to sit (as in in the tub or on the stairs) and likes to dance to music. He sort of says "Dad" and "bye" and "hi." He and Birdie both liked swimming in the large pool at a friends, though he took longer to warm up to the idea. Birdie just loved it right away.

He also will NOT let go of the phone. He knows his don't work, and he won't settle for them. He'll chase around the phone all day, and when he gets it, he'll "talk" into it and press all the buttons. Pencils are another favorite with both babies.

Rugger is still into his trucks, tools and trains. He also is starting to venture out and become his own being. He'll tell me he can't help me because "his back hurts" (he hears his dad say this after chopping wood) and he'll get frustrated when he can't do something as good as Pumpkin or us. He is wonderful to the babies, and just loves them. But of course because of them he can't play with all his little toys where they can reach them. I expect next year will be a lot better for him. He was so happy to get a saw from the outpost, that he asked if he could cut wood IN the house. I told him "yes" and he reminded me that bits of wood would get everywhere, to which I reminded him that it was just pretend, and he says, "Oh...yeah" and smiles his goofy grin.

He still struggles with some words, and though he USED to say "spider" and "smile" it's now been "fpider" and "fmile" for a few months. I know he can say the "s" sound, so I hope he outgrows it. He loves playing in mud puddles and loves his lizards and bugs and spiders. If only I could get him not to lose things!

Pumpkin is still into creating things. She's made a wallet (it's not brown yet because it didn't go through that part of the factory, yet) and many "paper books" (I've been waiting my whole life to make one of these...) She is less quick to help out now (you gotta love those toddler years when they are cooperative most of the time) but is very conscientious. She still doesn't like being bad and getting into trouble, and is very empathetic. She likes making friends, and I need to be more proactive in getting her together with them. The other day before supper I was getting the food on their plates, and she says to me, "Move the hats out of the way...and for goodness sake, the potty!" because the travel potty was sitting on the table at her spot.

I find that the way they get along together makes me so proud, and yet at the same time it's the same thing that annoys me so as they are always wrestling or jumping or running together and I'm afraid they will get hurt, not to mention the noise. So it's hard to know what to do. Again, I look forward to the next year as things get easier with the younger ones.

So that's where we are at. And books - some day I'll actually be reading them again with the kids. I read my own for now, though I'd rather play in clay, but that, too, will come in time.

And now my head is spinning and I need to sleep.

DSL and You Tube

2008-07-16T22:46:00.002-04:00

Well, we're finally moving up in the world. We succumbed to an offer from the only DSL around, and got both caller ID AND DSL...what could be better?

Anyway, I actually was inspired to make a movie about our births finally, since I love others on You Tube, and Boom bought a new software to use for his highlight films and such for football (he sends them to prospective colleges for his seniors.)

So here it is:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YPPP9isUEIA

The music is from a CD I had playing during Caleb's entire birth. That might still be my favorite birth, even though this last one was less painful...

Anyway, I am reading Dean Koontz's Odd Thomas for the first time, so I will be going now.

Apples, Oranges, Grapes & Pears

2008-05-20T22:14:00.005-04:00

Once again I find myself caught in the endless trap of trying to be prefectly okay with who I am and where I am in life, and instead comparing myself to others and what they have.

I feel like the school girl I used to be: on the outside of the immature cliques based on hair types or fashionable tee-shirts or other pointless subjects, and me on the outside desperately wanting to fit in.

And yet, even then, I didn't want what they HAD to be a part of the group; I just wanted to be accepted AS I WAS.

As so it's been every since.

My parents did a good job making me feel proud of who I was, despite the fact that they couldn't quite convince me that I was beautiful (Daddy's will always think their little girls are beautiful, just as husbands will always think their wives are beautiful...until ALL men and women think I'm beautiful, I will simply think that my Dad and Hubby are slightly blind...)

But overall, I was okay with who I was as a person. I wasn't fat, nor skinny. I was smart, could be funny, and I consider myself an optimist though I also always consider the worst so that anything that DOES happen is automatically better than the worst.

I didn't WHERE I was going to be in the future, but it didn't bother me. I didn't lie up late at night wondering IF I'd get that job, or WHEN I'd meet that special someone. It would happen SOMEDAY, I believed. In fact, I had that word written in glow-in-the-dark paint on my mirror in my bedroom, and I never once doubted it.

So here I am, with many of my "someday"s already here. I have a great husband, wonderful kids, and I did get to work in my field, though definitely not at my "perfect" job idea.

And yet I find myself SOMETIMES more unhappy than ever before. Mainly because there's so much more riding on the issue than just me. It's my kids' futures at stake.

And so most days (and nights) I'm okay with homebirthing, co-sleeping (and waking up every hour sometimes to nurse), and cloth diapering, and extended nursing, and holding my babies, and homeschooling. Most days I'm okay staying at home and not going on vacations, or out to eat, or buying lots of stuff I would love to have.

But some days, I just want to fit in. Some times I see other moms and wish I was more like them. Even though I wouldn't like to do what they are doing, they seem happy with it, and I think maybe I'd be happier if I did it, too. Though I know I wouldn't be.

Or I feel odd when I'm the only one in the area who co-sleeps and nurses all night long, or walks all four of my kids at once because I'd rather be with them most of the time than without. I know there are groups of women just like me on-line. And thank goodness, or I'd REALLY feel lost. Just knowing they are there and can respond to a post on a forum of crunchy mothers makes me feel not-so-insane again.

But still, I sometimes feel like I'm not in the "in" crowd.

I still don't have a "best" friend. My sister-in-law (sort-of) and my neighbor are about the closest thing to it, and if I had the time, maybe they'd get deeper than they are. And perhaps, if I'm lucky, as time goes on, they WILL get deeper and BECOME that sort of "once in a lifetime" best friend. The one who knows all about you and GETS you. They know what makes you tick and what ticks you off.

It was really very telling when we moved to this house and women were surprised by my art folders. They had no idea I had gone to school for graphic design...after 2 years of knowing me. And yet my neighbor knows me well enough to have brought over a cupcake with fondant sculpted to look like a baby with a blanket and pillow, because she figured I'd like it.

Now THAT's friendship. I only hope I can return the favor sometime, because it meant the world to me that day.

And yet I'm so stuck up on myself and pitying myself that I DON'T think about what I can do for others. I don't even know HOW I'd do anything for lack of keeping myself together lately. I hope it will come in time - this focusing on others more than myself again. I want to share with people and GIVE, not just take.

I want to volunteer and make a difference, and in the process realize how truly blessed I am, because I KNOW I am, I just don't always FEEL I am.

And that's the key. I KNOW I'm okay the way I am and the choices I've made are good ones. I believe in them and they'll work for US. But yet I still find I look outward and compare the choices others have made for THEIR families, and I doubt.

Why can't I accept that what's best for ME and US isn't best for others, and what's best for them isn't okay for us, and that THAT'S OKAY. It really is.

Some people like the color blue, others red, and still others green or yellow or periwinkle. But none of those colors are BETTER or BEST or BAD. And yet I feel that if I don't agree with SOMEONE, then I'm not "cool" or acceptable.

I want to feel connected to others. Some have family to back them up. Others have their history in this area. I have nothing save my own 5 family members here to agree with me. And so I seek outward approval, though logically I know I don't need it.

I feel smug, I admit, when people comment on the twins or me walking with all four kids, because I feel important, set apart. And yet ironically, at the same time, I wish I WASN'T different, but just normal. I can't seem to win.

I dream daily, sometimes hourly, about working in clay. But not just playing in it. I hope, I dream, I pray, that someday, somehow, I'll make enough money with it to at least support my habit if not bring in a little extra for our family. What could be better than making money doing what you love, afterall?

But part of that is also affirmation. If I succeed, if I sell my work, then I am AFFIRMED. I'm approved, accepted, allowed.

I feel like no one takes me seriously (in the pottery world) because I didn't go to school for clay, because I haven't taken ANY class. That I'm a kid playing in the mud.

And so I want to prove them wrong. Prove that like many before me it's more about how hard you work and how determined you are that determines whether you succeed or fail. If I try hard enough and don't give up, and do what it takes, I WILL succeed....SOMEDAY.

But mostly, I just want to be happy with where I'm at now. And from a practical standpoint, logically speaking, I am. I have everything I've ever needed, most of what I've ever wanted, and so much more that I never deserved. There is no reason to look at someone else and be envious, and I wish my mind and heart would just quit. Because I am a VERY BLESSED person. Thank You, Lord.

Another Life Cut Short

2008-04-14T15:51:00.003-04:00

Only a year ago I wrote this post: A Mother's Tears, and now I find the words more true than ever as another senior on the brink of life, with her future stretched out before her, died in a car accident over the weekend. And her passenger is still not clear of death's unfair clutches...

Instead of a graduation party, her parents are planning her funeral. Sometimes life is so unfair.

Just Like Little Adults Sometimes

2008-04-12T13:43:00.003-04:00

You that fascination with photocopying one's own buttocks? I don't get it, either. But apparently my 3 year old son does...

He brings me his digital camera (the one I bought him so he'd just poop on the potty already) and is flipping through his pics, and he laughs as he shows me one he took with his pants off. What made him decide to put the camera back there and flash away, I have no idea. But it proves I understand the male mind of a boy just as much as that of his father....

Anyway, my 5 year old meanwhile acts as if she's ARRIVED. The same night I got to view Rugger's derrier, I was about to turn on Survivor, and Pumpkin cocks her head and notes, "Survivor...I used to love that show when I was four" in a voice that says that's SO behind her now...

Birdie, meanwhile, has learned to crawl almost as well as her brother and is realizing that wherever he goes, there's usually something more fun (translated: off limits) to be seen, so you'll often catch her trailing behind him. It's very cute, and I'm really loving this stage right now, despite the still sleepless nights.

Well, I splurged and got a quad stroller so I can walk again. It's been almost a year. Well, basically I stopped walking when the twins were born, so a few more months. But it FEELS like forever. My friend who is pregnant and due in June asked me how I possibly walked during my pregnancy as much as I did (almsot 2 miles almost daily) and especially with twins, since she felt wore out with just one and not walking that much. I told her I honestly didn't know, that perhaps part of me instinctly knew I was going to need to build up my strength for taking care of twins I didn't know were there, yet.

But I DO know it was very difficult. Every day it was a challenge, and every step was a battle. By the time the twins DID come, my lower body was skinnier than it is now. Though I weigh less due to the birth, technically I was skinnier then if you take off the belly.

So I'm ready to get back out there and walk again. I liked the time to think, and the kids love the ride, too. We went two weekends ago when it first got warm out, with the two strollers, and I loved walking that stretch again. The two older ones can only go about a block before they're wore out, so I kept trying to think of a way to walk without depending on someone else, which would be difficult for so many reasons.

And I kept looking for quad strollers within our budget. Most I saw cost over $1,000 and there was no way I was paying that. So when I found one on ebay for less than half, including shipping (which was over a forth of the cost), I just HAD to get it.

It should come early next week, and I can't wait. With these nice days, we've been out on the front porch (so it's like a giant playpen for the babies, as the backyard would be impossible with them eating everything in sight!) and the only thing missing is that walk. I can't wait, I can't wait, I can't wait!

Let alone the nice weather means I eat less sweets. I just don't crave them as much when I'm happy outside. And the walk...oh, it just cleanses you, you know what I mean?

So, here's to Spring and all the good changes it will bring (school being out soon so Boom can be home, a trip to Pittsburgh - our stomping grounds as a family - including the zoo there, the babies turning a year old, and no more bundling to go outside.)

Six Word Memoir

2008-04-03T16:35:00.002-04:00

I was tagged by Thicket Dweller, so here it is:

I'm sandwiched between memories, dreams.

Not exactly Nobel worthy, but there ya go. My attempt on few hours of sleep and very little sanity.

I don't know who to tag because no one reads this blog! But thank you, Thicket, for tagging me just the same! It made my day to think you cared :)

On the Move!

2008-04-01T15:39:00.002-04:00

Stray paper, pencils, crayons and kleenexes, beware! The girl has learned to crawl!

Booger (new nickname for the boy, and Birdie for the girl) has been crawling for over a month now, but his jealous sister had only mastered the backward's push and would cry in frustration as everyone around her moved with ease.

But no more. Today she actually crossed the entire room. By herself. And clapped for herself with pride!

It's so cute how these two are so their own person that many times I forget that they are considered twins. Of course, physically speaking they only share the dame DNA that their siblings share, and are only twins by the fact they shared a womb, so it should be no surprise that they are individuals. But at the same time, it's neat to see it so starkly when they are side-by-side.

Booger likes to move and is always smiling. My flirt. His tongue hangs out in mischief and glee. His brown eyes melt your heart and his smile warms it up. Birdie loves to smile big and yet is shy around strangers, hiding her face in my shirt. She loves to clap and put blankets over her head to hide her face. She is loud and her tears can drive you crazy, but her blue eyes light up the room when she's happy.

Rugger meanwhile is still as helpful as ever, and is the world's best big brother. He and Pumpkin can't wait for the twins to "grow up" and play, and frankly I can't either. Spring is calling, but for now we'll be limited on our outdoor excursions due to the babies insane desire to eat everything in site, be it ladybugs or rotting leaves, or possible dog poop if they find it. So we'll stick to the porch for this year, with walks inbetween.

I think the light is finally shining on this whole twins thing. At first it was SO very hard for me to process the shock and the reality of having TWO babies when we weren't totally prepared for even ONE baby. But now that they are here they both add they're own charm and love to our world, and I look forward to each moment with them. It's still tough, as it will be, but it's also more of a pleasure now that they are becoming a little more independent.

Even as I type this, they are racing each other on their chubby hands and knees, and I know this is the part of babyhood I'll miss the most. 8 months (9 in a few days!) is that turning point for me, and they become...I don't know how to explain it...more? More understanding of their world. More able to communicate. More fun to play with. More of a person that you can get to know.

Booger has figured out how to make a whistle sound when blowing air through a recorder, and Birdie will buzz away on the kazoo. Booger opens and closes doors just to see them swing on their hinges, and Birdie will tear a Kleenex to shreds for the sheer pleasure of ripping something.

Pumpkin has begun asking me why she won't be going to school, and I'm trying the best I can to explain it to her. She must have heard me explain un-schooling a few too many times, though, because she's determined to learn to read "on her own," which means I can't tell her what any words say. Of course, I tried explaining that SOMEONE has to tell her the word, she can't just make it up in her mind, but she insists that she'll learn on her own.

Oh, well. I hope she eventually starts to ask me, or I might start prodding a little more.

****************

On a separate note, though I'm not doing as much as I like, I have been reading the books for our monthly book club, and one that I LOVED was The Book Thief by Markus Zusak. It's set in World War II in Molching, Germany and is narrated by Death himself. A very captivating book which had me in tears long before the story ended. I don't buy every book I like (I'd own the library!) but I bought this one. So if you haven't read it, do.

And now I must go for the day.

Running On Fumes

2008-03-13T18:54:00.000-04:00

It’s that time of year. It’s that stage of parenting. It’s that stage of babyhood.

Either way, I’m running on empty. I’m exhausted. Not tired. Just purely, completely, exhausted.

The babies don’t nap often, sometimes not at all. Normal for my kids, it’s just there’s two at once now. They don’t sleep through the night anymore, also normal, but again, two times the wakings. All the kids have had colds (thank goodness no stomach bugs yet this year) and now I, too, had a bad cold complete with fever and even a back spasm thrown in for good measure.

Which meant my mom coming out to help two babies who wanted only Mommy. And now my back is still sore from not resting enough, and I really have no idea how or if it will ever recover before these two turn two years old. I mean, I always carried my kids until they were over 2…

And it’s March and I want Spring to be here. And I want to go on a dinner date with my husband without babies, which won’t be happening. Because the babies are two instead of one and there’s few who can handle all four kids. Because I never pumped due to nursing on both sides at once ever 2 hours or less. Because they’ve never even touched bottles. Because we don’t trust the grandparents in town and the other ones are too far away to have bonded REALLY closely with the babies enough to leave them for 3 hours.

I tried. Two weeks ago, and I came home to crying babies after just 2 hours. So I know. I’m not even guessing.

And right now, it sucks. I just want a small break. Just a small one. One night of sleep would be nice. One meal without all the chaos. One day without me feeling like no one got enough of me and I’ll never do anything I desire to do with my kids ever again.

I know this too shall pass, but today, I’m just done. And yet I go on…

Letter To A Friend, Whever You Are

2008-02-15T11:53:00.002-05:00

Dear Friend,

I wish I knew where you were right now. I wish I knew where life has taken you. How it's possibly changed you. Who you've become. Because in the last several years, I have changed so much, that I can't imagine you haven't changed as well. Maybe you're married, with kids? Maybe a professional in a large city. Maybe living at home doing small jobs.

I don't know. Because you don't tell me. In fact, the last time I spoke with you was over three years ago when by chance we were both in our hometown, me for my Grandma's funeral when my first son was just two weeks old. Before that, you last saw me at the baby shower for my daughter. You gave me your temporary address, said you wanted to see a football game that Boom would coach, and off you went.

I sent you the schedule, along with a comic strip you wanted, and waited. I called and left a message, and waited. And I'm still waiting. Though why, I'm not sure. I even sent you an invitation to my baby shower last year, back before I knew they were twins. I don't even know if the letter got to you as I sent it to the only address I had of where your parents used to live. But it never came back...and neither did you.

I should block you out of my mind. I try to. It seems you've been able to block me out of yours. But for some reason, I can't. I think of you often. I would love to share my life with you still. I'd tell you all about my kids, my love for clay, and my dreams. That's the one thing we shared so well - our dreams. Not GOALS, mind you, but dreams. Things that are possible and so never given up on. Goal may not be reached, but dreams...dreams are always obtainable.

I wonder what you'd think of me and my lifestyle and choices now. I know I'm not perfect, but I'd like to think that I've changed for the better over the last several years. Life has a way of doing that to you. Kids and circumstances have changed the way I think about so many things.

Would you be shocked at how I nurse to candidly? Probably not. At how I sleep with my children? Maybe. At how I've chosen to home school, and even UNschool? Probably.

But I'll never know. When I go on walks I picture you beside me and us talking. I'd like to think you'd like the person I've become. A little less judgmental, a more open person. I'd like to think you'd like my kids, if you got to know them.

And that's what hurts. Because you DO know other people's kids. People who weren't by your side for 6 years of your life. People you changed your life for though you only knew them for a short time. And yet you don't even know I have four kids now. I don't even know if you care...

I wish I knew if you finally accepted yourself as a person. If you finally understand that it wasn't something I WAS, but the fact that I LIKED what I was, good or not. You were never second-rate. You just never accepted what you were...

I wish I could just give up on you. Throw you out of my head and be done with it. But part of me misses what we had. Despite our differences, we shared so many things and you will forever be a great part of my past. I just wish I knew what drove you away from my future, and I wish I could apologize. Because I still love you, and I miss you. A good friend is hard to come by. And apparently, a loyal friend is even harder.

There Are Days...

2007-12-17T22:52:00.000-05:00

Lately I find myself in a constant struggle between trying to cherish the moments I have with my babies and at the same time wanting it to be over with so they are two years old and I can enjoy them so much more.

Ever since my firstborn entered this world, I have had the realization that not all babies are born equal. And mine seem to be on the side of the scale known as "high needs." My son wasn't near as bad, but he still required walking most of the day (NOT in a sling, thank you, apparently) and nursing much at night.

But with the twins, it was unthinkable to me once they came out that I'd have to handle this DOUBLE time. And yet here I am...

And my little girl has all of a sudden, and I mean sudden as in the past week only, become JUST LIKE HER SISTER.

She now is fussy most of the time, has stopped sleeping at night and after I nurse her I can't put her down without expecting her to cry a few minutes later only to end up nursing again as anything else just won't do (and this from a baby who a week ago would REFUSE to nurse at night when not hungry!)

She went from falling asleep in the car seat to screaming in it the whole entire ride (and no, pacifiers won't even go near her mouth...her sonic scream scares them, apparently.)

And so I'm back to anxious nights where I don't know after I put them down if I can enjoy a movie, some time alone, or some couple time with Boom before I begin to here her whimper which turns to screaming in 3 short seconds. Will it be 10 minutes after I put her down? 20? Or maybe a whole hour or two?

Who knows. But one thing I do know - it WILL end. Eventually. After she's a year old and I night wean her, which will also involve crying, I'm sure. And if she's at all like her sister, even at 2 years old she'll be quite high maintenance, and I'm not looking forward to it.

But I do enjoy her smiles. She is such a sweetheart beneath it all. And I know it's not her fault.

But sometimes I wonder if it IS mine. I mean, I know technically it can't be (my two boys are SO not that tempermental!) But yet when I see other people with easy babies and kids, I have to wonder why mine AREN'T that way. Why can't I have the baby, just once, who takes a pacifier and who loves a car ride (since I DO travel home, ya know!) and who doesn't mind sleeping without a break? Or who enjoys playing for hours on end without being walked back and forth endlessy?

And so I know that I will be glad when they are older and I know for sure there will be no more. Not because I haven't enjoyed my children, but to be honest, because my babies are very hard work and I'm wore out. I want to enjoy my kids, and more babies would be less enjoying my older ones. As it is, my two oldest pretty much do their own thing all day right now, and I hate that I'm not part of it. I can't wait to join in again.

And as for my sister, the twins are home and doing well. They had a rough time at first with the one girl in the NICU for a couple of days where they fed her formula though they wouldn't let my sister nurse, and my sister developed a spinal headache, then both twins were low on weight so they were told to supplement, which led to nipple confusion, and then they all developed thrush, and one had bad jaundice. So there's the summary.

But now I think they are doing well. Weight is us, jaundice was gone, no more supplementing, and thrush (last I heard) is going away. But I will say it does, unfortunately, affirm the reasons why I choose to stay away from the hospital....

And now I must once again hit the sack, and hope for a few hours before I parent my child in bed, because it really ISN'T her fault, and even if it were, there's not a lot I can do about it (believe me, crying it out will not work for her type - just ask her sister!)

Business of Birthing

2007-11-29T23:56:00.000-05:00

Wow. Tonight was a blast. And I just wish everyone could experience these feelings...

Ricki Lake made a documentary about women and birthing, hospitals and homebirths. The are showing screenings all over the place, and one happened to be held about an hour and a half from here, so my midwife e-mailed me and told me about it and I went with her and my doula and met up with my other midwife who was speaking on the forum afterwards.

I was so afraid the twins would be restless and fussy, as they are at that age (almost 5 months!) where they can't do what they want to do, yet, but aren't always happy with you doing it for them, and get bored too easily. Especially after last night's cell group at church where I had to leave the room to calm them down, I thought I must be nuts for wanting to go to a movie screening just because I wanted to meet other women who thought like me...

But I am SO glad I did!

There was about 70 or so people there, mostly college age girls (it was put on by a girl at the college who's training to be a nurse midwife.) The movie was great and well done. Got a lot of responses verbally during the showing (like gasps, laughter, etc.)

During the single C-section scene, the whole room filled with "Ooh..." "Uhhh" "Augh!" They were completely turned off by it. Even after watching several shots of naked women moaning and laboring and birthing their babies, this scene was the first to get a negative response, which I thought was great.

I think it was neat that these girls can see a different side of the American myth that has become the norm in child bearing. That the one great power we as women possess, and that was given to us by God, has been taken away from us in the name of empowerment, ironically. That there are different, better ways of introducing your children to the world.

One point that made me feel better about our births was that many people research cars, houses, etc. and spend lots of money on them. Wouldn't you think it's also wise to research birth and spend money on the one time-event of your child entering this world? To get the outcome that you want, you may have to pay out of pocket, even when insurance would cover a hospital birth. But to me, it WAS worth it. Every penny.

And yet people think we're selfish, like we are putting our desire for this most natural high ahead of our desire for a healthy baby. Yet the two go hand in hand, and often without this natural high the healthy baby only comes after great cost, whether to the baby or else the mother, even if the doctors brush it off.

Anyway, afterwards they were asking questions, and my doula pointed me out, and so the one girl asked that when we discovered we were having twins, how did that play into my decisions to birth at home...and of course my one midwife up front said, "Do not answer that question!" But I did, and explained we didn't know we were having twins...and that not all midwives would do twin home births.

Then as everyone filed out, three different midwives stopped to chat with me, as well as another mom who homebirthed, whose husband was there and also spoke up. (a girl asked how to get her fiance on board with homebirth since he was scared of the idea. The husband talk about how neat the birth was and such, and I mentioned that men can also be proud to have a wife who births naturally, as well as be a "man" and catch the baby or just plain be there...it's an ego boost for them, as well.)

It was neat to mention the movie, "Birth As We Know It" and get nods. It was neat talking about birthing naturally and not getting comments about how archaic it is. It was neat being in the presence of women who understand saving your placentas.

And best of all, the babies were WONDERFUL!!!

They slept to Union City, we ate McDonald's and they were good, they slept (with some in-car nursing in the car-seats one at a time) the rest of the way to Meadville, and they were quiet and content during the film and afterwards, and fell asleep after nursing them on the pillow, and then woke up happy. Went back to sleep (again with nursing and then a pacifier) on the way to McDonald's, then the girl woke up about 10 minutes before home, then the boy and her were crying as I dropped the doula off just seconds from our house.

So overall, a great evening. And now I must go to bed.

But first, on this day of birthing thought, my sister had her baby girls by C-section (elective, 37 1/2 weeks, due to many factors.) They are both healthy and mom is doing fine, first girl was 6 lbs 12 oz. 19.25 inches long, and the second one was 5 lbs. 6 oz. and 18.75 inches long. I guess as of tonight the first baby still has not nursed, and there is fluid in her lungs (chest x-ray confirmed) so I'm not sure if she's in the NICU or not, but were praying not since they'd keep here there 48 hours minimum if she's admitted.

And hopefully I'll update soon, but for now, I must go to bed.

In Which I Compare Myself To A Hobbit

2007-09-23T21:27:00.001-04:00

Okay. Big breath. Why? Because I am sitting alone and not holding someone. Not holding someone and not doing housework. Which doesn't happen often right now.

I have so many thoughts I could post about. But where to start? Do I talk about my fears of having everything anyone could want, and thus someday, maybe not today, but someday it will be taken from me. Something will go wrong. One of my children, or my husband, will die. Or I will die.

Do I talk about my torn desire to just have one baby when I obviously wouldn't want to be rid of either one of the twins. But to be able to go to the playground, play with my kids, shop in a store. Things I could do with one baby but are plain impossible with two (who are both exclusively nursing, won't take a pacifier, and of course have two older siblings under the age of five still.)

Or do I talk about my selfish dreams of still doing something someday that's just for ME? Of selling clay whistles and corn husk dolls. Of potting and playing for the fun of it.

But maybe I could mention my worry about homeschooling, especially un-schooling, as I hope to do with all my kids till they turn 12 or so. Will I be able to do it? Do it well? Will I have the time to file the necessary paperwork required by law?

Instead let me just mention breifly (so I can go to sleep while I can) what it feels like right now to be caring for two newborns instead of one (and thank you, Lord, for not giving me three, blessings though they are. And bless those you HAVE given three or more with extra hands they surely need!)

First, imagine an 11 or so pound weight in each hand. Or more accurately, arm. Because this weight is roughly odd shaped and is approximately 22 inches long, say 10 inches wide, and a few inches thick. Not as easy as a dumbell, eh? But that's not all. Now picture said weight to wiggle and squirm and occasionally throw itself away from your body as both are pretty unstable little things. A little tougher, now, right? But then add the bout of crying in there, or the dead weight of one sleeping until you feel it's safe to put it down, and you'll get the general idea.

And then picture this pattern repeated several times a day from 7 AM to 9 PM and you know what I feel like. My arms are sore. Very sore. My legs are sore from the walking and standing and my knees make me feel like a geriatric. Because my kids don't stand for sitting in a car seat all day staring around them or playing with their toes. My kids never have.

From the time Pumpkin was born we have been walking our kids. It's what they've required from us. And it's my dues, I guess. But it's SO much harder with two.

And here's where the Hobbit part comes in. You know how hungry you get from nursing one newborn? I used to starve if I didn't eat at least every 2 hours. SOMETHING. I would shake eventually from the low blood sugar. Same thing when I'm pregnant.

So imagine TWO nurslings! I feel like a hobbit with their second breakfasts and lunches and so on. I am always eating, or wishing to eat. And the babies are growing quite well, thank you.

It's funny how this was the one pregnancy where I didn't have prenatal vitamins (just stopped taking them and haven't started back up) and yet the babies were healthy in utero, especially being twins, went full term, and are bigger than Pumpkin was at their age. Amazing the way God made our bodies.

And that's where I'll stop. Because my brain no longer functions very well. So all my great thoughts are lost on my echoing mind during those moments when I'm walking half of my children around the house and by now I can barely remember what I'm daydreaming about as I fall to sleep. At least that's the one thing I can do better than before I had the twins. I can sleep. No insomnia or pain here, thank goodness.

And so, Good Night. Sleep well.

Friendly with the Flies

2007-08-31T12:51:00.000-04:00

Well, I have some pictures to share for the fun of it. And a story.

Picture my two older children on the front porch swinging fly swatters around and trying to get every bug they see. Then picture my sweet, gentle (yeah, right) daughter saying, "Come here fly...I just want to hug you...I just want to kiss you..."

Then she tells me that she's saying this to the flies because they don't want to be killed....so she's basically admitting to me that she's luring them in to mercilessly kill them...

And then maybe you'll understand why I found this particular figurine amusing:

Here's a picture of Rugger with a birthday present favorite - tractors:

And here's more of the twins:

Proof of My Instincts

2007-08-19T14:58:00.000-04:00

Well, here's the link to a response to my own thread asking others who knew they were having twins whether or not they could tell physically yet that there were two in there...

Proof

written February 16, 2007

I wasn't planning on getting an ultrasound this time around since the only OB in my area isn't very friendly to homebirthers and in general isn't the best place to go.

But my midwife knows the signs of twins and if she suspects then we'd verify by ultrasound. I'm not sure how soon she'd know for sure, since I was 17 and a half when she was here and I'll be 21 and a half the next time.

It's just that my fundal height seems to be getting higher quicker than it should, I'm gaining weight quicker, etc. And it's probably all in my head, but I just thought I'd ask and see what you gals felt at this stage.

I definately feel only one baby when I push around on my belly, because you can feel the lump and then it swims away after I've poked it.

But like some of you said, if the other baby (if there was one) was underneath, then I'd not know, anyway.

I actually hope it's NOT twins just because I don't know how I'd handle taking care of two newborns at once, and I have only nursed my other two, never dealt with bottles, so I'd want to with this one, too, and twins make it even harder, etc.

Thanks for the input, though, and congratulations on each of your own double bundles of joy! I hope you all have a healthy and uneventful pregnancy :)

Deb

Birth Story

2007-07-10T17:37:00.000-04:00

Okay. I got the story up and you can read it here.

I realize that I also forgot to ever mention that my sister is ALSO due with twins for December. She goes in Friday for an ultrasound and hopefully will know the sex of each.

Here's a pic of the girl and the boy in their Grandma's arms.

Suprise - Our Twin Homebirth

2007-07-06T18:13:00.000-04:00

I'll have to post a link to an actual birth story later, but since I haven't written one, yet, I can't do that.

But yesterday, at 3:31 pm, Our Daughter entered the world in a waterbirth at 5 lbs. 3 oz. and 19 1/2 inches long. At 4:00 pm she was followed by her surprise twin brother, Our Son at 6 lbs. 3 oz. and 20 inches long.

We (meaning Boom and I) had suspected twins from the beginning, and had even asked the midwives not once, but several times if twins were possible. But I never measured big (even at 36 1/2 weeks I only measured 38 weeks which is normal, especially for a third time mom) and they never detected two hearbeats (in fact, at the last appointment, we had trouble even finding ONE, though the movement was always in excess.)

So when they discovered AFTER delivering our baby girl that there was ANOTHER baby yet inside me, we weren't completely shocked, though at the time we were shocked enough because of course they had ruled out twins (we didn't get an ultrasound this pregnancy for various reasons, though we had wanted to around 20 weeks.)

It quickly became an emergency as his cord was in a prolapse position, and so they decided very quickly that I had to push my baby out NOW.

Thankfully God had his hand in this pregnancy from the beginning, as you'll see once I write the full story. But for now, we are very blessed with TWO HEALTHY newborns, and very busy and a little unbelieving.

Aches & Pains of Life

2007-05-10T09:31:00.000-04:00

Well, I guess it had to happen sometime, and relatively speaking this is so minor compared to what could happen, and may happen in the future (live in the moment, plan for the future as my doula says...)

My 4 1/2 year old daughter tripped over a toy while running and broke her little arm. I don't have time to post the whole story, but needless to say this is the first "real" injury any of my kids have had. Boom and I took it harder than she did. She hardly cried, hasn't taken much medicine for any pain, and has been herself this whole time.

The hardest part is the whole "six weeks in a cast" thing. Especially with her being so small and the cast being so LARGE on her little frame. But these things happen, and my mother's heart knows she's okay, but having seen her little arm bent a little too much, and then knowing that her bones have been compromised, it just makes me wish I could keep all of my family safe forever. The wish of every mother, I know.

I am sleeping next to her on an air mattress to help her turn over and such, the first night to help keep her arm elevated. But it turns out the mattress is helping me in another way.

During each pregnancy, I have HORRIBLE hip pain. Not sciatic, but joint pain. My hips, mostly at night after laying sideways, when standing my hips literally go out on me and I have to support my weight by crawling along the side of the bed or sink, etc. After several steps it will finally start to support me, going out every few steps or so. And then as I start my day it will usually be okay until I go to bed again.

Well, this mattress seems to be helping me, as it hasn't been as bad these past couple of nights. Of course, the chiropractor has also been helping me, though more so in my ribs than my hips.

I wouldn't have thought about a rib out of place until someone on the internet mentioned it. I had been having aweful pain in my rib area, both from and back, and the midwives and I concluded it must be muscle pain from my expanding uterus and weight. But even with a belly support (which I wasted money on now) nothing helped. It was depressing me, making me irritated, and I didn't know how I'd make it the rest of this pregnancy, to be honest.

And then I tried the chiropractor. We have a wonderful woman who works local, doesn't take insurance but charges cheap and won't make you pay if you don't have the money, and she is all for homebirthing and such. So I went to her hoping for SOMETHING, and I can't believe the change. It doesn't stay for long (due to ever changing body from pregnancy) but the one day this past week I was in immense pain again, and immediately afterwards I felt so much better and have been since. I fear the weeks when I won't be able to go to her since I'll be "home" in Ohio and then in Indiana for a reunion. Maybe by then the number of adjustments I'll have had will help keep it in shape for that length of time...

Anyway, otherwise this pregnancy is okay, but due to all the pain we know it will be our last, and I'm at peace with that. I just can't do this again. Most people don't choose chronic pain, and in my case I'm such a wimp for CHOOSING pain, that I'd rather enjoy my family as it than expand it and be miserable for months on end, which makes me less of the person I want to be.

But I am walking 2 miles almost every day, which gets harder and harder as I am pushing my kids in the stroller, and they feel heavier and heavier each time. But at least I'm doing it, and I'm hoping that this along with the adjustments will make for an easier labor. One can hope, can't they?

One last thing before I go. Rugger is finally talking. He's using all the words he already knew but never spoke, and has even spoken in 3 word sentences, which puts him right on schedule. It's neat to finally hear what he's been thinking about all this time :)

A Mother's Tears

2007-04-15T21:41:00.000-04:00

As I sat here tonight rocking you to sleep, I couldn't help but cry. Since my belly has been expanding and my back, hips, and now ribs have been hurting, I have not had you fall asleep in my arms in quite a few weeks.

And I miss it.

I tried to remember you nursing, and though it's only been a couple of months (when exactly was it last??? - I think around mid February, though I'll never know for sure now...) I already have trouble remembering how it was.

You seem so much older now. You are growing so quickly. I know you will only grow more, and faster, and I so wish I could draw out this window of your still chubby cheeks, your wobbling gait as you run, and your 2 year old smile.

I know you won't fit on my lap forever, but I wish you could. I know I won't always be able to sniff your hair and enjoy the smell of little boy sweat and innocence. But I wish I could.

Oh, I look forward to seeing who you become. But I'll miss your small hands as they become rough and outgrow my own. I'll miss your frustration as you learn to put your coat on without getting confused by which way to turn it and zippers that don't go. I'll miss your sweet "Ni Ni Ma Ma" as you lay in your bed.

Which tonight Daddy decided to put by him as we transition you for the baby. And there is no crib on my side yet, and I didn't know he had done it until I carried you up already asleep, so you won't know until morning comes.

And I cried some more because I miss you. I miss being next to you.

When your sister climbs into bed in the morning after Daddy leaves, on the rare occasion that she is awake and does so, I can't help but to cherish those moments as well. And when Daddy had back pain and was sleeping on the couch, and I had you on one side and your sister on the other...I admit that I loved it. I enjoyed sleeping next to both of you.

If I could get a bed big enough, you would both be in bed beside Daddy and me. And I know that he'd enjoy it too, as he has fallen asleep with you in my place on the nights I stay up late. We both love being with you two.

And as I feel this new one kick inside me. I wonder who it is. I wonder if I will love it as much as I have loved you. I feel sometimes that our lives will crumble. That they are good now. You two play well together. You get along great. I like the way we are now.

And soon it will change. Soon I will be busy with another who demands all my time and attention. And I know it won't always be easy on either of you.

But I hope. I hope that I will fall just as much in love as I did with you. I hope that I will cherish holding this baby in my arms as well, and look forward to lazy mornings when you are all in bed with me, or even more rare in bed with both Daddy and me on a Saturday or Sunday when you all wake up before us.

I know that you must grow older. I know that life requires change. But sometimes I find it aches me so. I find that I cannot contain the love that I have for you and it spills over in tears as I hold on a little tighter than I need to. As I sit in the chair a little longer than I need to. As I kiss your cheeks and your hair one more time because someday I won't get to.

And I cry. Being a mother is hard. Not just when you challenge me as an infant and I feel burnt out. Not just when you dry me crazy asking 1,000 questions a day, most of them repeats. Not just when you demand so much and give so little.

But it's hard when you are so precious just being you. When I can't help but smile at your childish ways. When I see that time is moving and the moment is gone. That's when it's REALLY hard.

I hope someday that my love for you is realized. I hope I can nurture our relationship and that you always will feel close to your father and I. I hope that I'll never have to look at you and wish you were different because I don't understand you. I hope that you'll know that I love you so much that you will never truly understand until you love another just as much.

That as I rub your small arms and hold your small body, that I can't possibly love you any more. That it hurts because I know you aren't fully mine. God claimed you long before I did, and you are in His hands.

Which means I can't control how long I have the pleasure of knowing you, of holding you, of keeping you. I hope and pray for a long life for both of us, but only God knows what tomorrow holds. And it hurts. Because I want to keep you for myself. I want to hold on to you forever, and make sure that nothing can harm you.

But I can't.

So I cry. And I love. And I hold you while I can.

And eventually I put you down, and I kiss you again. And I whisper Good Night. And tomorrow you will play and laugh and run like you always do, never knowing how much my love for you fills me to the point of tears.

I love you Sweet Ones. Mommy loves you.

Food, Glorious Food!

2007-01-17T20:46:00.000-05:00

Well, now that I'm feeling better (13 weeks and I felt GREAT! I cleaned the house, vacuumed for the first time in two months, didn't sit around all day, YEAH!!!) I'm starting to cook. For real.

Not those meal-in-a-box things, but real, made from scratch dinners.

The catch is that I have to find something where I at least have most of the ingredients on hand. Which isn't easy. Many recipes have tons of ingredients that I don't have, can't afford, or have never heard of.

But I have found a few. And some of the things I've tried are simply the first time I've tried something I've heard of before but just never tried on my own.

Last week I made lemon pepper talapia (I spent the money on the fish before our finance situation came to light, though I should have known when I kept hoarding money from the savings...), some green-bean creamed soup, and blueberry crisp (the blueberries were form Walmart and had been in the freezer for months.)

So I ate a lot of it. So much so that for some reason my pregnant body didn't enjoy it the next day, and after forcing myself to eat yogurt with home-made granola (recipe from Tightwadd Gazette) I ended up throwing up for the first time in 3 pregnancies for the simple reason of being pregnant. The rest of the day I felt fine or else like I had pre-13 weeks. (I'm now 14 1/2 weeks.)

But that didn't deter me. Last night I made stuffed pork chops. With cornbread stuffing (bought from Aldi months ago knowing I'd using for SOMETHING) and bacon (from in-laws pigs, along with pork chops), onions, and on the chops marjoram (first time using it...on the spice rack from our wedding 8 years ago), seasoned salt, and pepper.

A little too dry due to not knowing how much over our oven would cook it, and I had already subtracted 5 minutes from the 45 minutes, so next time I'll subtract 10 or 15, but they were DELICIOUS!!!

I made cookies last week for the first time in months as well. Tomorrow I'm thinking Banana bread, which I've never made, ironically, since I love the stuff and have made tons of Zucchini bread which is so similar in a way.

But now with all this cooking I have to find a way to get creative with pork. Not ham, since for some reason we never get ham from the butcher when we get the pork from my in-laws. Probably because it's too expensive, but I'm not sure. I love ham.

Anyway, we have chops, and ham slices (it's not like ham, though, hard to explain), big chunks that I'm not sure what to do with (I'd have to go down and see the label on the paper to know what they are), bacon, sausage, and probably more.

In the summer, I made shish-kabobs, which I LOVED! But now I'm trying to figure out what to make indoors without much hassle and extra ingredients. But this way, we save money by using what we HAVE vs. buying what we don't really NEED. If we can use up all the pork in the freezer, then we are doing good. I already had to throw some out last year from having been in there WAY too long (years, people.) So we really SHOULD use it...it was free, for goodness sake, as a gift, really. It's just I didn't know what to do with all the pork.

And now I have one more option - stuffed pork chops. And it didn't take long to prepare, really. Even less time had I thawed the pork chops ahead of time. I'd have time to make a side dish, maybe out of the many, many bags of frozen veggies in our freezer, gotten from Angel Food or from me trying to buy healthy once. I don't like veggies very much, so I'm not motivated to cook them. Much like the unknown pork products. Ham I could make into casseroles and use potatoes and such. Pork...what do I do with that?

Same with veggies. Cheese, butter, throw them in a casserole. Otherwise I'm lost. So I'll have to look up veggie ideas in my books, too. Though now that I'm thinking about it, we haven't had pot pie in a very long while. I'll see which pork product I think will go best with that and put it on the menu for next week. After all, I DO know how to make white sauce...

Living the Tightwad Lifestyle

2007-01-15T09:40:00.000-05:00

Well, we've been here before, but it still hurts a bit.

Today I called the cable company and canceled our cable. It's the only bill we can cancel. Funny how one need electricity and gas and all, but TV isn't a necessity. So it's gone. Which is probably good, and we can get it back later when we can afford it, but it still hurts.

And I still don't know how we're going to make all the rest of the payments this month. I've already dried out the savings account, and if I take any more out they start charging us, so that won't work (let alone if any emergency happens at this point, we're in dire trouble.)

And of course we have to start shopping smarter. I've been shopping every week or two instead of monthly, and I tend to buy items a second time (chicken, beef, chocolate) that we don't NEED. We shop almost exclusively at Aldi's for food, and yet it's the Walmart bill that's out of hand. Each receipt looks innocent enough except the total, so we just have to start adding stuff up before we get to the checkout.

Basically, we have only 230 dollars to spend on groceries and paper/hygene products each month, and that's not counting things like birthday gifts for relatives and other little things that come up.

I know we can do it, as our kids don't eat a lot, yet. But being pregnant I'd LOVE more variety. (On food stamps we couldn't even spend the $400 a month they gave us...had too much food and didn't know what else to get. Looking back, I'd have gotten specialty breads and cheeses and stuff...things I've never even tried yet for lack of funds.)

Anyway, considering families spend $200 a WEEK on groceries, $230 a MONTH seems very little. But it's all that's left after paying the bills....bills that have to be payed are aren't even optional or entertainment related.

We don't eat out (the most expensive place we've eaten is Applesbees, but only with a gift card.) We don't watch movies (no dollar theater around here) but once a year.
We don't even vacation, though not for lack of want.
But the one income, and that being a teacher's, is definately pulling us down right now. My two days at afterschool bring in hardly anything, and Boom wouldn't even have time for a second job with football and schoolwork, besides that I want him here with us.

So we have to cut back. A lot. For now. I have to tell the midwife that we can't make any payments until after our tax return comes in. I have to ask the doctor if I can wait another month to pay the bill.

And yet, I have a hard time complaining. I don't have a hard time crying, because I wish that we weren't here right now. I wish our income was enough to live comfortably. I mean, it's not like I'm asking to go to Jamaica, but I had wanted to buy Honeycomb for the first time in 5 years....

But complaining, I'm not. Because we have our house. A large house, for us. We have two beautiful children. We have a job, a good one. A Boom is good at his job. We have friends. We have a community. I'm the happiest I've been in years, and I really CAN'T complain. I just wish it was different. I wish the numbers came to a different total.

But they don't. And so I'll keep looking at those pottery magazines and thinking of "someday" when I'll be able to get them (why can't our libraries carry them??) I'll remember that others would give anything to even have half of what I have. And someday, we'll hopefully move again, maybe back to more open land with free gas and sewage ($50 a month now that it's finally come), and eventually each year Boom gets a small raise that will help.

So we'll get back on our feet. We will. This year was financially heavy. We redid the attic to make it a room. We got a van because of the dog (and now with a third on the way we need it, anyway.) We got a dog, full breed. We got another truck (20 years old, that is.) And we need yet new windows for upstairs, a new door for the one that doesn't work, new gutters on the whole house (which would help all the water that's pouring into the basement.) Our shed is a joke. And so we aren't even close to being done with spending large amounts of money that we don't have.

But for now we're stable. For now we are warm (Boom is cutting down trees to feed the wood-burning stove downstairs we got from his parents. It heat well but requires much food.) And we are happy.

But I will look forward to the day when the checkbook actually balances withouth having to wait for the next paycheck to clear. And may that day be soon.

All Fired Up for the New Year

2007-01-02T15:43:00.000-05:00

Well, if it wasn't for the fact that I talk too much and thus write too much, and that I'm extremely tired and lazy lately, then I already would have updated this thing. Oh, well. Here's a summary:

I fired my kiln up for the first time! Yippee!!! I was so excited that night, and everything turned out great. I made a whistle for my nephew and my ocarina is the best attempt so far. Now I have to think of what to make next...

Christmas was great except for a few glitches in my in-law part of the family. I won't go into it, but I sometimes wished my kids were as blessed as I was growing up in an almost "perfect" family. But then again, maybe they'll learn compassion for those not like them, and learn how to connect to them since they'll have seen it first hand, where as I have not.

I hope I won't have to renig this in a week from now, but I am also pregnant. We weren't planning on getting pregnant this soon. We were going to TRY in about six months. But alas, I'm 12 weeks right now and the midwife will be coming next Tuesday to hear the heartbeat. I found out the same week my sister found out she lost her baby, so I'm very cautious this time, and disappointed that once again some of the joy is robbed if this pregnancy DOES go well. I hate being the source of someone else's pain, and I'd like for once to enjoy my pregnancy without hiding my joy...

So for 6 weeks now I've been sick. Nauseaus all day long and all night long. I hate morning sickness. It usually lets up around 14 weeks, which means 2 more weeks to go. I love the middle stage of pregnancy, before my hips start dislocating and causing me imense pain....plus I can finally eat with joy again. Oh to have gone through the holidays and not enjoy all the wonderful meals! I hate this!!!!

So, here we are, me laying on the couch most of the day trying to will my stomach to get better, and Boom put in his parents old wood burning stove downstairs which is working like a beaut and heating the whole house even though the vents haven't even been connected to it yet. And the basement is now the warmest place in the house. We need to get a shield for it to keep the heat in the usit more, but they can't find them for now.

Other than that, not much else to report. Too many toys at Christmas as usual (why, Grandparents, WHY!?!?) and unfortunately it was also evident that now that the children are getting older, Pumpkin in particular, apparently at least one side of the family doesn't know my children very well at all. My MIL in particular projects things into my daughter that she always wanted in a daughter of her own. She used to talk about her red hair and blue eyes (even though Pumpkin has neither) and now she gives her all these girlie toys that she has absolutely no interest in. Poor thing kind of sat there as her brother got electronic gadgets like a Thomas the Tank Engine set, a keyboard, a remote control truck and another motorized truck. So I bought her a dart gun, which she loves.

Sometimes I wish Christmas could be so simple as just getting together as family. But then again, seeing as we don't do much as a family over there, I guess it's better we fill the time with unwrapping presents. I just hope next year they are more tuned in. Not that I'm not grateful, in fact, I think one present a kid would have been fine. But at least get them something they'll like. And same goes with the adults. I don't know how much debt she goes into every year (creditors actually call OUR house to get ahold of her) but I do know she could save money by not buying presents that often are not used. She loves giving gifts, and that's wonderful, but sometimes that needs to be balanced with budget and the recipients actual needs in mind.

Which is one reason I'm glad for the kiln this year. I hope to make many gifts from the heart that cost only the firing and the materials that I buy for the clay. I'll enjoy that very much.

One last story. My son is such a goofball, always singing and dancing to music and laughing and running around and being a clown. I can't wait until he talks... But my daughter, she has some very unique traits, and one is that she has an imaginary girlfriend. For about a year at least now she's had a girlfriend, named the same as herself, of course. This girlfriend lives on a farm (or several based on the "my girlfriend lives there" comments as we drive) and she can fly, swim, jump really high, and do many things Pumpkin just can't do yet.

Well, we had my brother-in-law and his girlfriend and their family over for New Year's Eve, and Pumpkin was chasing around the boy who is her age. She was just bawling when she came into the kitchen and I asked her what was wrong. "Hayden won't hug my girlfriend" she cries. Stifling a laugh, I tell her that maybe he can't SEE her girlfriend. "Where is she?" I ask. "Well," she says, "She WAS behind the Christmas tree..." I laugh then and say, "Well, can Hayden give YOU a hug?"

"No, my girlfriend wants a hug."

"Well then where is she?"

Pumpkin steps behind the table and says, "Can you see her? She's right there?" and points to herself. So I sit beside Hayden and whisper to him to go hug Pumpkin, and he does, and she is happy once again. And then me and Hayden's mom just kept laughing.

So there you go. My daughter is, well, imaginative :)

More Heartbreak and Heartache

2006-10-31T09:19:00.000-05:00

Well, my sister found out yesterday that their baby will not be born on this earth. Apparently it stopped developing around 9 weeks. She was 13 weeks on Saturday, and none of us expected this after seeing a heartbeat at 7 weeks.

Prayers for her and her family are appreciated.

A Month to Feel Stupid

2006-10-28T09:55:00.000-04:00

Maybe I will reveal one of the most major gliches in my personality by writing this, but if you know me at all you already know my biggest fault, and I hope you still like me despite of it...

I'm an information junky, and knowledge freak, and I like to know it all. And if I'm wrong, I want to be SURE I'm wrong. So with that in mind, here is my devasting Friday story, and maybe more.

Two weeks ago I had a bad cold. Chills, body aches, nausea, and a bad headache. And a sore throat. By day 4 I thought, "Gee, if this aweful sore throat would just go away, I'd feel better..." Then it dawned on me that maybe I have strep throat, and so I looked in the mirror with a flashlight, and sure enough there were white patches on my tonsils. (I thought strep was the only thing that showed up like that.) Later I would read that my symptoms matched strep perfectly (headache, nausea, bodyaches and chills....)

I had been contemplating bringing Rugger in to the doctor anyway since he had discharge coming out of his eyes, and I was worried that he had a sinus infection. So now my decision was made; we'd go in.

The doctor looked at my throat and Rugger's ears, and wrote us both up for Amoxicillin (no throat swab.) We took them, and added Pumpkin later since she got pink eye and was stuck up in the sinuses, and we all dutifully finished them.

Fast forward to Sunday when I was done with the antibiotics. Two days later I woke up with a headache and a slight sore throat. "Not again..." I thought. I looked in the mirror, and on my tonsils were the same patches, but only red. We had a NORMAL doctor's appointment the next day, on Wednesday, and I'd ask the doctor about it then. Maybe the spots stay there long after you have strep?

So I ask him in the course of things, and he says, "Yeah, your throat looks real bad, but I think you're fine. You finished the antibiotics, don't worry about it."

So I didn't. Until Thursday night when my throat REALLY hurt and the patches were now WHITE again. And to top it off, Rugger threw up once in the middle of the night. (He had thrown up on Sunday evening, we thought it was a bug.)

Well, here's where my stupidity comes in, apparently. I knew from researching the strep the first time around, that in kids that are preschool age, the symptoms are quite different from adults. Often times they don't get the sore throat. Vomiting is a sign in little ones. And they might have what's called a Strawberry Tongue. From pictures, I thought Pumpkin had this the first time around, and now both kids looked like they had a faded version again. (Not bright red, but definately different than what their tongue looked like two days ago. Trust me. No one else will....)

So I call the office and request the earliest appointment since today (Saturday) we'll have a birthday party, and if we are on antibiotics, I want to make sure we put as much time in before people come to the house. So I get a 9:45 appointment, which I'm late for due to a last minute diaper change and my ability to always be late everywhere. At least I called and said we were running late.

So we get there, he examines us (the same doctor as on Wednesday, but different from the one that diagnosed the strep the first time.) I ask all my strep-related questions during the exam so I don't take up his time later. He says he's pretty sure it's just viral, but we'll wait for the swabs to come back (which I requested since I didn't want to be treating something that wasn't there, and he stated the same thing. I purposely liked this doctor because he won't prescribe antibiotics when not needed, though he confused me by saying is only ONE of us is positive, he'll treat the whole family, and he suggested Pumpkin get her vaccines NOW vs. any other time in the 4-6 year period....but anyway.)

So he says if it's positive, he'll be back to talk to us. If not, have a good day. (why we can't talk to him if it's negative, I don't understand....) So we wait, and sure enough it comes back NEGATIVE for all three of us.

I will be truthful. I was floored. I had added up all the symptoms, people at chruch who we run close circles with were also diagnosed with strep after I was, they all agreed this stuff cycles sometimes. The internet was full of recurring strep stories. I just hadn't expected to be relieved of the burden of antibiotics, which I was so dreading.

So I asked the nurse what we do, and if a throat culture would show anything different. (also keeping in mind that I've read that 5-10% of those tests are false negative.) He exact words were, "Well, he said that since the antibiotics are still in your system, it's going to be negative. Basically you're not contagious. You can go home."

To me, this sounded like "Even if you DO have the strep bacteria, the antibiotics will mask the results, but you can't pass it around, so don't worry." Which means to me that if we still have it, there would still need to be SOMETHING done to get rid of it. So I asked her if I could talk to the doctor again when he's done with his other patient.

So he comes in and says, "What do you want to hear?" I start to say something when he cuts me off and curtly says, "It's a virus. You don't have anything. Go home." I start to say, "But I just...." He cuts in with, "If you want another opinion, go to a different doctor." I say, "No, I DON'T want another opinion, I trust you, I just want to know..." "Listen, I'm getting frustrated, we're running out of time." "Well if you give me a chance I'll ask my question. The way the nurse stated it, made it sound like the anitbiotics are potentially masking..." "No. We would have seen it." "And the symptoms?" "They're nothing. I didn't want to be rude before, but they don't even have strawberry tongues, it's nothing." "And the white patches?" "Tons of stuff. Any virus." He opens the door. I ask "So what do you think it could be?" "Anything."

And he's gone. And I'm about two inches tall and hiding in the corner. I want to cry. I don't want to walk out of there with my happy kids who have no clue how humiliated I feel. I apologive to the receptionist so that when I show my face there again at least she knows I wasn't TRYING to be THAT KIND of patient.

I don't know what set him off. Maybe when I walked in and said, "I was right!" in a joking voice, because I HAD gotten sicker. Maybe it was me talking about strep the whole time instead of waiting for the positive result. I don't know.

But I think that even if I ticked him off (unintentionaly. I had NO clue where he came from being so angry) that he still reacted unprofessionaly. I mean, who's paying who, here? Why is it that I can't ask questions about a virus, that though I know it can't be treated doesn't mean I don't have questions.

Why is it that I can't make sure, ABSOLUTELY sure, that we don't have strep? Part of me was angry that there was never a first swab before I took the round of antibiotics, and I'll never now know if I had had it at all.

But mostly, I was embarassed, shocked, angry. So I was wrong. Don't I still have a right to make SURE I'm wrong? Aren't I still a person who lost sleep with worry, with a sore throat, with a child who threw up once out of nowhere? Don't I deserved at least a caring tone explaining WHY I am wrong vs. a "It's nothing I can help, go home" attitude?

When did doctors stop caring and stop trying to HELP? Why did he think I was attacking HIM? If I wanted meds, I'd have asked for them despite the outcome. I don't do that. I was caught off guard, so I wanted to make sure what I was hearing, that's all.

In fact, I was wrong earlier this week. I took Boomer to the vet for what I was sure was an ear infection (due to his stratching of the ears and shaking his head) and it was nothing. But the vet prescribed antibiotics anyway, and I paid for the unnecessary visit and unneeded meds. I took them home, put them on the counter, and thought, "For next time."

I don't want meds. I want answers. If you don't have answers, I understand. But at least be decent enough to explain it to me.

I'm afraid to talk to my friends, the ones I called frantically Friday morning to warn them we had strep again. I'm wondering what they'll think when they hear I'm an idiot who had no idea what I was talking about.

I hope they understand. I hope we're close enough of friends that they won't think less of me. I feel like I can't even tell eveyone for the shame that crawls to my face when I replay the scene in my mind. I felt SO BELITTLED.

And so, I hope that is all for this month. I don't like feeling stupid. I'm anal. I know that. I serve my kids cereal in certain colored bowls, with certain spoons. And if I have dirtied one and it's not available, it bothers me. I go on, but that's who I am. I like straight lines and facts. I like geometry and proofs. And when I'm wrong, I like to be sure.

And in nothing else, my faith in the medical community that was barely there before has now been completely shattered. I dream of the day when we as people can be informed about our bodies and the doctors respect us for it, and they admit their own limitations and treat us like friends or family. When the same scenario ended with this instead of the way it did:

"You know, you're right that a lot of these symptoms appear with strep. I wish they had taken a swab the first time because maybe you didn't have it then, either, we'll never know. But see how their tongues are? It would be darker and more swollen if it were Strawberry Tongue. And the patches on your throat are more common than people realize. It's called "tonsilitus" and it happens whenever they are inflamed and the sores show up. The rapid test is pretty accurate, but if you want, we'll get a culture, and that will also confirm that you have nothing else bacterial in nature. Otherwise, I think you probably have a couple different viruses going around, and if you think you have strep again, feel free to come in, but for now I'd say just drink plenty of fluids and rest. Hope your birthday party goes well!"

I don't even know what to say...

2006-10-21T08:30:00.000-04:00

Last night was the annual "Backyard Brawl," the football game between two close schools and a heated rivalry. But that's not even the point. There was so much more there last night that I don't even know where to begin. And I just wish everyone else knew it, too.

I thought about addressing the fans. Because I know many of you don't get it. You don't see what really goes on, you don't understand the finer details that oil the team. But maybe you'd understand something else.

You know how you yell at the players and scream at the coach? I wonder if you'd really like to get a chance to be him, as you so often claim you'd do a better job of being. Would you like your job performance to be public record, judged by your neighbors, strangers, teenagers, and the community at large? Would you like your weekly goals to be weighed in the morning newspaper, announced for all to see that you either met them, or sadly fell short (again.) How would you like to go on a walk in your town, or step into the library, convenience store, or church, knowing that people will either pat you on the back for a job well done, or else give you a look of pity, or worse, tell you what you should have done instead. Would you be able to handle the pressure of knowing that behind your back, while you are making last-minute decisions, there are hundreds of people who think they know better, and if your decision makes a great play, you are a genius, but if it doesn't, you're the idiot. If you truly think you can do all this, then by all means please come to us for a job. We need good coaches and volunteers, and we'd love to have someone as knowledgeable as you on board.

I'm also thinking about the seniors. Last night was senior night. But 5 of those seniors were either sidelined for good, or playing hurt. Tight End and Linebacker - broken jaw. Offensive and Defensive Lineman - torn ACL. Running Back and Linebacker - staph infection in his heart. Quarterback and Defensive Back - turn knee, which he's played on as best he can until the doctors have finally said no more. Running Back and Defensive Back - twisted ankle that brings him out of the game after every play, but he keeps going back in.

Five seniors. Two captains, enormous talent. Enough that this was to be their year. Our year. Eisenhower's year. Instead, three of them are wondering why they had to face a players worst nightmare: not realizing a certain game or play will be your last. They might play college ball, if they can recover. But I'm sure they look for the recruiters or scouts who should have been watching THEM. Two of them are still trying to play, knowing they could be hurt worse, but knowing for them it's worse not to try. They wanted it that bad, they really did. Instead, they all have to watch helplessly while their younger teammates fight for them.

And I have to go into those younger teammates, because I think this is where most people misunderstand. We have still won five games this year. Two of the games we lost were so close that one less mistake would have made the win. And for any team, that's not bad. But for a team that is now composed of mostly freshman and sophomores, I think that's a heck of a good job.

You see, you may have watched our boys get plowed last night. We made mistakes, we got pushed around. It might have looked like we were 15 yr. old boys playing 18 yr. old men. And we were. You can only gain experience by time. You can only gain the reflexes you need by making the mistakes so you know what to look for. And you can only push as hard as your immature not-quite-developed bodies allow you to. And we did.

Those boys AREN'T seniors. They aren't even juniors, many of them. But they fought hard, all of them. And even though so many hearts were broken this year, there is a team out there that is preparing for next year, and the year after. A team that has now faced more adversity than most face in several years. A team that is playing crippled and has not given up in the fourth quarter for the first time in several years. A team that is learning, play by play, what it means to be a champion.

And I know you wanted it to be THIS year. I know some of you will only see our final record, which will most likely be 5-5. And you will think we haven't improved. But then you must be blind. To be able to win 5 games, most against teams with a better record than ours, with 5 of our seniors either out completely or playing hurt, is a WHOLE lot better than winning 5 games with all your starters in full health.

And then I want to address the Job thing. Not job as in a career, but Job as in the guy in the Bible. Because I feel that's what Boom must feel like this year. Game after game we watched as player after player was hurt. And some not even on the field. And last night was no exception. In fact, it was every mother's nightmare, and player's, too, I'm sure. And to top it off, because of politics I won't go into, there was no ambulance at the game and those 3-5 minutes must have been pure agony for our Wide Receiver and Defensive Back who has made some important plays.

After making a play last night, his foot caught on the field, the field we were playing on because our own was deemed to dangerous with all the mud, and somehow (I'd have to ask if it was a tackle or what) his lower leg got snapped in two and was left dangling at a very wrong angle. Luckily I didn't see it since I don't do good with that kind of thing. But Boom was there holding his hand until they put him on the stretcher. The boy didn't make any sound at all, but squeezed his hand so hard Boom knew he in was in a lot of pain, to say the least. He'll be operated on this morning, and Boom said with that type of injury, he may not be back next year, his senior year. I hope for the players sake, and ours, that will not be the case. But either way, it seems unfair.

And all the while, and I have to ask, Why us? Why this many? Why this year, when things were looking so good?

And lastly, I want to address my husband, the coach. Many people don't understand football. They see it as a barbaric sport with brutal hitting and macho boys trying to prove themselves.

They would be wrong. It's so much more than that for most of them. For those who DO see it as just a game, they are the ones who don't try as hard, who don't put their heart on the line. But for most, football is where they learn who they are. Where they build confidence in themselves. Where they are accepted despite their weight or their looks. For some, it's the only place they feel like a family, or the only time they'll hear the words, "Good job. I'm proud of you."

To those who give me frowns when I explain that my husband couldn't watch the kids because of football, you have no idea what those boys mean to him, and how seriously he takes his job. You aren't there when he's spending hours breaking down film, grading plays, scouting other teams. You weren't there when he spent all night re-writing his playbook for a crippled team. You aren't there when the parents criticize, the fans boo, and reporters misprint quotes. And most importantly, you aren't there on the field when your leg is broken in the worst way, and your coach, your HEAD coach, cares enough to hold your hand and wait with you, cry for you, pray for you. You weren't there after the game when the coach broke down not because HE wanted the win, but because he knew how hard his boys fought, and he felt bad for them.

And last night. Last night his heart was broken. He came home and felt hopeless for the first time this season. This season of injuries and unfairness. He didn't cry. He didn't get mad. He was just defeated. And for the first time in the three years he's been head coach, I sit here crying for him. Because what can you say when the coach is down? Who's there to hold HIS hand? I wish I could do more than hug him. Wish I had words that actually fixed something instead of just soothed over the pain.

And I opened the paper this morning carefully, because I didn't want to read it this time. I wish I could avoid what I know is coming when we see people at church or out and about. Because try as they might, they won't understand. Not completely.

There are a few who understand. At least I hope so. Because it was their boy out there whose hand Boom held. It was their boy in the hospital whom he visited. It was their boy out there who he congratulated, or else comforted. I have heard them say good things about him. And I think, that even if they disagree with his calls sometimes, or if they think their kid should be out there instead of whoever is, I think that they still see his heart. Because that's what makes him a good coach.

It's not the plays, it's not getting to the playoff, it's not winning games. It's caring for the kids, genuinely caring. THAT'S what makes the difference between a good coach and most coaches. And I hope he knows that. I hope that as his heart heals, because eventually it must, he realizes that it doesn't matter what the others think. Those who have come close enough to him to see who he is, they will know. And the others, well, let them talk.

But I know. I know who you are, Boom. I know that you care. And to top it off, I think you ARE a good coach when it comes to playmaking. And you've learned, too. I have never been prouder of you than I have been this year. And though I would have loved to travel to the playoffs with you, I'm just as proud to have you hold you team together long enough to finish the season so no one else gets hurt. I don't know why you were dealt this card, but I admire the way you took it.

And I hope that counts for something.

********* Update on injured player **********

After talking with Boom and others today, it turns out the way the player broke his leg was because the cleats dug into the rather old and bad astro-turf, and when his body turned, his foot did not follow, which in turn cleanly snapped both his leg bones. Luckily it was a clean break, so no pins or anything were needed, but he WILL be in a cast for 4-6 months, and whether he’ll get to play next year or not is still in question. Also, it turns out the ambulance took around 15 minutes to get to the field, not a mere 3 or 5, which I estimated because I thought the time SEEMED long, but couldn’t possibly be that long, but it was. An excruciatingly long 15 minutes.

Bovine in the Backyard....and other stories

2006-09-30T16:20:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I like literation. Sue me.

Well, I haven't written anything here for awhile, and the main reason is time and my distaste for modern technology unless I can have it all and update it constantly and fix it instantly.

Anyway, I also figured out that most of the time I have tried to write something I think others might want to read. But let's face it. No one reads my blog, well, maybe ONE person, but that's it. And the reason I REALLY started this blog was for myself and my kids. I save each post and copy it onto a document on my computer, because I always have the fear that one day the internet will mysteriously be shut down forever, and if it wasn't the size of a novel aready, I'd have each page printed out. Just in case I lose my files forever, or by the time my kids are old enough to care about the file, it isn't too old to read on whatever form of technology THEY will have someday.

So, I noticed that I never wrote about a certain incident that was rather funny to me, so I hope the kids will get a kick out of it as well.

When Boomer was still going out to pee in the middle of the night, I got up one night around 4AM and opened the door for him. But instead of walking out and doing his business, he just froze. I wondered what was wrong when I heard it myself: a metal clanging sound just off to the left of us. The only thing metal in the backyard was his pen, and I wondered if a large dog or something was near it. I heard the sound a few more times and then I heard a very LOUD clang RIGHT ON THE BACK PATIO. *I* froze this time. I wanted to close the door so very bad. I didn't know if it was a very large animal or someone with a vendetta (I always worry about students egging our house or something) after us, but I knew that whatever was out there could see ME, even though I could se IT.

I managed enough courage to grab Boomer's lead and pull him in, quickly shutting the door and locking it. Then I ran to the stairway not even letting Boomer loose. I yelled up to Boom, "BOOM! Something or someone is outside on our porch! He bolted down the stairs and into the kitchen, then asked me to get him a t-shirt. (He could have a gun in his hands, but unless he is fully clothed, he'll feel vulnerable.)

He turned on the porch light, which I would have been too scared to do, afraid I'd faint if it was bad enough of a sight, and then he laughed.

I came closer as he said, "It's a COW!" "A cow?" I said. And sure enough, there was a cow, not even 4 feet away from us on the patio outside.

But as the flourescent light warmed up, we noticed that she was not alone. There were four other cows there with her.

Boom tried to figure out if we should call the farmer whose cows they probably were, or just wait until morning a couple hours away when milking time was. But when we made Boomer go outside to pee (knowing he still had to) he was so scared he just barked and they all ran off to the playground, anyway. So we let them go and I'm assuming they made it home eventually.

What what strange was that I actually should have discovered the cows MUCH earlier, and that they had apparently been grazing in our yard all night. When I went to bed around midnight, I thought I heard a "moo" from out front of our house, on the street. Now, back at the trailer, "mooing" was no biggy as my father-in-law had cows that came up past our trailer and behind it. But here in Sugar Grove? On the STREET? There were no close farmers that I'd be able to hear one of THEIR cows, so I figured either I was hearing things, or maybe the Amish were walking a cow down the road for some strange reason, and at midnight.

But I let it go and fell asleep, and until the cows were out of sight did I remember the strange noise I had heard four hours earlier when I went to bed. Mooing, indeed.

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My sister is happily and suprisingly pregnant again, all on their own this time. She even got to see the heartbeat already since she was spotting, and for a week there they worried her because she wasn't far enough along to see anything, and then the numbers were good, but then not as good, but the heart beat was there, so she's feeling much more positive.

She's in for a very busy time with two under 17 months! Congratulations, though!

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I got a new leash for Boomer that I paid more for than most would have. I got a book from the library called, "Think Dog" by John Fisher, and he mentioned a leash he invented that made it basically impossible for the dog to pull ahead and yet did so very gently and without pain so the dog didn't choke or have to be shocked or hurt with a spiked collar. So I looked it up and his collar was made under a different name and it seems it's only made in Britian. I tried buying one from a Bristish site, but even though USA was an option for me to fill out, they don't ship here.

So I tried making my own with just his normal leash, wrapping it around his muzzle, and it worked like a charm except he was able to get it off every few minutes and it took me longer to get it on than it was worth.

So I searched again and finally found a US company that stocks a Britian made leash that's actually even different than the first one I was going to buy, but is the same style, just a different name. They are both very different from the one commonly sold in the US at pet stores, and from forum posts they say the one I bought is much better.

So I paid the $20 for the collar and the $8 for the shipping (perhaps since it was UPS?) and tried it the very day I got it.

I will forever love that leash!!!! It was worth every penny.

I have enjoyed the three walks we have gone on and even other dogs can't get him to jump ahead. Oh, he tries to, but without even moving me an inch, he turns right around and stops because he can't go where he wants. It's quite amazing, really. No choking sounds like he used to make when pulling away, no more tipped stroller because the only way I could hold onto him and push it was to wrap the leash around the stroller. No more straining to get the stroller straight as he pulls on it. No more worrying when another dog passes by and he literally pulls me across the ground trying to hold on.

It's just a pleasant, peaceful, walk. Oh, he tried to rub it off occasionaly, but I figure that small discomfort it worth it for both of us, because, really, how fun can choking the whole time be for him?

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I dove back into my clay the other day, and got frustrated once again as I always do. I won't go into the details (except to say that the one day everything went bad and I burnt a whole batch of granola and almost my fingers and supper was served PAST our bedtime, and it was one of those days I just wanted to be done with so I could start over again) but suffice to say I hate learning curves.

But today I made progress, and tiny as it was, I stopped right there so I could end on a high note, literally.

I made a very succesful, if un-ornamented, whistle, out of clay. The process looked so easy, but it's not, and yet the third time I tried today, doing it my way as well as the right way (as opposed to their way and the right way, hard to explain) it worked. And so I smiled, washed my hands, and offered to play Cand Land with my kids, which I did, happily.

***********************************************************

Of a season that was supposed to be SO promising, instead has arisen so many challenges that one could hardly say that Boom's job this year has been easy.

From week one they have had starter's getting injured and now they are down to just one healthy starter. Two are out for the year, and ironically, it has nothing to do with football. One was a stupid incident that hopefully taught all three boys a lessson. They had decided to trying drinking alcohol and ended up in a fight that broke the one boy's jaw.

The second one happened just this week. We're not sure if it originated with a football injured (getting knocked hard on his leg), but the senior is in the hospital with a staph infection (blood infection.) It's serious enough that his life currently hangs in the balance due to the fact that it's based in his heart, and that if he doesn't respond to the anti-biotics by this weekend, he'll be sent to another hospital because he'll go into cardiac arrenst and need immediate surgery.

So besides worrying about his health, we are now looking at re-writing the entire offensive and defensive strategy for the rest of the year, hoping those with less injuries will recover at some point between here and the end of the season.

But depsite it all, Boom has been more positive than I've ever seen him regarding coaching, and I'm so proud of him. I know he gets down, but he keeps going, and that's what I admire about him. Especially when you coaches like one of our rivals. He's new to the team this year, and Boom actually coached on the staff there before he got this job, while he was subbing in the district.

Anyway, he walked in an talked all big as coaches hand-picked around here are prone to do, but his dreams are quickly slipping away. Someone with inside information has passed on the problems with the program, and they are coming to fruit. Last week after they lost his quote in the paper mentioned that they had a long way to go to get good, and it wouldn't happen in a year (meaning basically that there's no hope anytime soon for this team to win, either here or the years to come, which according to locals - this team is the best talent to come along in a long time at that school, so it's probably not the talest, after all.) This week he apparently "wasn't available at press time for comment, and no stats for the game are available." Which to me says even more than his comment last week.

So I hope that we can limp on and continue playing our hardest. Afterall, even though it would be great for this group of guys to go all the way (though now most of them won't even be playing the rest of the year), there's always the fact that you are BUILDING a team of champions. And champions need to learn how to play without giving up, and that is one lesson our boys have learned well this year. And that in itself is progress.

I love you, Honey. You do great things with those boys. Thank you for working so hard.

I Almost Felt Famous

2006-09-09T12:44:00.000-04:00

Well, for those who watch CNN or perhaps even the local news depending on where you live, you might have noticed that the small, rural area we live is was recently brought to the surface of the media when a man-hunt for "Bucky" Phillips ended on Friday night here around 8pm.

For a couple of weeks people have been locking their cars for the first time in decades, people have been looking out for suspicious happenings, and mostly people have been tired of "Bucky" sightings that may actually be OTHER perpetrators who got away with a crime since "Bucky" has been on the run.

For those not familiar with the story, "Bucky" has escaped from jail at least twice, this time with a can-opener through the ceiling. He then eluded police by stealing cars and running back and forth between the New York and Pennsylvania state borders. One day we'd here he was here in Lander or Sugar Grove, the next up in New York, then back in Warren, then up in New York, etc.

The chase became more serious and more dangerous after he shot and killed one state trouper and left one in critical condition in the hospital. He shot them ambush-style with a high-powered assault rifle, so anyone who says he didn't mean it is crazy, in my opinion.

Mostly he escaped police by hiding out with friends and family, many of whom will face charges, as well.

But mostly it was just weird for me since it was actually on CNN, and the day before he was captured he made it to the Top 10 Most Wanted list for the FBI.

And lastly, he ruined our week because all athletic events were cancelled due to the final hours of closing in on him, and a few people almost had to sleep in the local elementary school or fire hall and were not allowed to go home until after he was in custody.

I will miss some of the excitement just because I'm human and it's sometimes fun to say, "Hey, that was in MY town, you know" but mostly I'm just glad he's caught and won't do more damage, and I'm glad life can go on as normal. And I'm thankful that no one I know was hurt and yet at the same time feel guilty that I'm glad it's over, because for at least one wife and one year old child, their agony has only just begun. My heart goes out to them.

Homeschooling as a Life Preserver

2006-08-12T18:27:00.000-04:00

Amid all the doubts that I have about homeschooling (and when I say "doubts", I should clarify that I don't doubt that it's what I want or that I believe that it is best for my children, but I doubt because it's not the "normal" thing to do here and so many people still think a little less of it than makes me comfortable) I keep coming back to one thing that re-affirms my decision: the mothers of schooled children.

Ironically, without me even bringing up the subject of school, mother after mother will tell me that "everything changes when they go to school," or "just wait until they get to school, then they really grow up," or "we had to deal with a lot of negative things they were getting in school" and on and on and on.

And yet they still look at me funny when I say that "actually,.....I'm homeschooling for the first several years...." (Yes, I intend to let my children go to high school if they want since I did enjoy it, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there....)

Anyway, I also know a few parents in our town who's children were Boom's classmates and friends growing up. And when we see these parents in town and ask about their children, too many answer, "Well, they haven't been around lately....you know how kids are." To which in my head I reply, "No. I don't. I can't imagine not seeing my own parents often, and I sure hope my kids never stay away for long from us (barring being across the country or in another country, of course.)

And I couldn't help but conjure up a picture in my head as I thought of all these parents who obviously have lost some connection with their children. Maybe it's as simple as their child growing up too quickly, or some bad language acquired, but overall I see the same look in their faces that they must have felt or still feel somewhat out of control of circumstances. And even though I know each child must make their own choices in life, I believe as parents we have the ability to channel those choices and influence them as much as possible.

And in a world where it seems children are bobbing about in a sea of uncertainties and waves are pulling them away from their families, I see homeschooling as a life preserver that will keep my kids afloat and stable. Maybe there are kids out there who will be able to swim despite the storms of the sea - I was one (in the sense that I maintained a relatively good relationship to my parents.) But those will be few. Too many more will be pulled down by a strong current, or will drift with the latest trend.

I'm not trying to "protect my kids from the world" so that they are sheltered and don't know how to cope. On the contrary, I'm trying to teach them to swim, and until they are strong enough and mature enough to swim on their own, I will make sure I have that life saver available to keep them from going under....to keep them close to me so that as they drift away I simply tug the line in.

I don't think it's wrong to be the biggest influence in their lives instead of other children who are only as bright as their years allow them to be. I don't think it's wrong that we will be their main peers instead of insecure children who judge by shifting measures instead of the true person inside. I don't think it's wrong to give them a firm foundation to stand on before sending them off.

I think it's the best way to show them that we think they are worth the work and time it will take to ensure they have a true understanding of who they are in Christ and where their place in this world is.

Emotional Dial

2006-08-09T22:40:00.000-04:00

If only emotions could be controlled by a dial I would turn them down when I'm overwhelmed, turn them up when I'm apathetic, and tune them out when I can't take it anymore.

But there is no dial and so many different emotions have crashed upon my shore lately. I'll try to list them and be brief since to be otherwise would be insane...

- Broken-hearted as we attend VBS at our old church (me and the kids, Boom has football.) The one thing I felt really bad about was taking Pumpkin out of the place where she had bloomed and opened up. All her friends upon seeing her exclaimed, "Amber's here!!" and her teacher didn't realize we had left the church until tonight when I told him, and had been looking forward to Cubbies (Awana) in the fall, and said, "Oh, and she was my favorite..." It almost made me want to cry. Our new church isn't bad at all, but it's much smaller, so Pumpkin only has ONE child her age in her class, the same boy we see weekly with his family.

- Happy and Hopeful at our new church. I have made many new friends whom I see on a more regular basis with either football, the library and other community events, or a playdate. The playdate friend is the pastor's daughter and the youth pastor's wife. Their son is Pumpkin's age and their daughter is a few months younger than Rugger.

- Frustrated and Depressed about the clay situation. I want my kiln hooked up so I can move forward. I wonder if I'm really any good, and I wish I could practice more to find out. I wonder if I'll be good enough to make ANY type of profit from it, and when I'll find the time to make enough to sell if I can.

- Torn about my homeschooling decision. As a child I was always on the outside looking at the IN crowd. Not by choice, but by their default. I was the one they chose to pick on. So I became a people pleaser, wanting only ONE thing all my life - to be accepted and fit in. And though it defies odds, I keep choosing things in my adult life that put me outside of that "normal" circle (ie. homebirth, cloth diapers, co-sleeping, etc.) And so the one thing I have NEVER wanted for my children was for them to not be included, liked, wanted. And I realized as all of Pumpkins friends/relatives that are her age will be in pre-school next year, and she won't. And if you ask her, she'd love to go to school (it's on TV, in her books, and she has toys that depict "school.") And I realize that I, *I* am the one who is placing her on the outside looking in, I'm setting her apart, making her "odd." And it rips me apart.

- Encouraged by the movie "Spanglish" when Adam Sandlers says, "You have to root for 'odd' verses 'the same'" and then at the end when the author of the essay states, "one thing defines me: I am my mother's daughter." I of course cried and hoped that maybe my daughter will be okay, afterall.

- Worried that my happy life will someday be shattered. As I lay in bed the other night after Rugger had just nursed to sleep and Pumpkin was sleeping in the bed a few feet away, I wanted for a moment to freeze time; to stay right where we were and not move forward in time, where tragedy or sorrow or despair might hit us at any point in time. For here there was only peace, happiness, and contentment. And my heart clenched to think that it may not always be so.

Aren't They CUTE!!!

2006-08-09T11:35:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I haven't posted a kid pic in awhile, and I thougt that I should because the world is missing out by not seeing my adorable duo. And now that I've cut Rugger's hair REALLY short for the first time, I realize just how much he's not a baby, anymore, so I like that he still looks it in this picture...

Fairies, Knights, and Men In Tights

2006-08-02T21:55:00.000-04:00

Yes I'm still here, and no, this isn't going to be a weird post. I simply want to update my life in the past few weeks.

First off, since my last post, we have read the book, "Ceasar's Way" by the famed Dog Whisperer on the National Geographic Channel. And it has helped some with caring for Boomer. We now walk him every day and we do keep him outside all day, which still depresses me some, but I have hope that he'll get better and better and eventually be able to be with us all the time.

A couple of weekends ago Boom and I went to the Gread Lakes Medieval Faire in Astabula, Ohio. We had a lot of fun, even though it rained most of the time and it was a huge mud puddle. But for our first medieval faire, it was pretty cool. I guess there are many other bigger, better fairs out there, but this one was close enough to drop the kids off with my parents and it fell during a time when Boom could actually go, vs. , say, the Pittsburgh Renaissance Festival which falls during football season.

So, overall, it was good. I bought a bamboo flute even though I couldn't play a flute before (in a couple of days I was actually playing a tune) and I wanted an ocarina, but I'll have to buy one off the net, I guess. They didn't have any potters or wood carvers there, so that disappointed me, but oh, well.

The next weekend my parents came out for the annual Sugar Grove Garage Sales Day. On Friday we went to Bemus Point, NY, which is only 20 minutes from here and enjoyed window shopping (and some real shopping) and then a wonderful lunch, and then even went swimming in a small little beach where there was only two other families. And when the kids got tired of swimming, they went to the playground across the street.

Saturday was hot and sunny, and we did okay with our junk, and the football boosters sold hotdogs and hamburgs, pop and candy in front of our house and made out okay (after they almost didn't do it for lack of interest or belief that they wouldn't make anything.) Next year they'll be here earlier and probably make even more profit. I had a fun day as I like crowds and made a few deals on books and toys, myself.

This past weekend was the Big 30 Game, an all-star game between North Western PA and South Western NY, with profits going to charities. Boom was honored to be chosen as the head coach this year, though the politics and driving distance for the practices made it also quite a hassel. But we won, pretty well with a final score of 40-20, with two of their touchdowns scored off of our penalties and the last scored in the final seconds of the game. The only down side is that it's such a big rivalry that both teams had a lot of un-sportman-like conduct, which both coaches tried to control but basically since the boys are seniors, they know there will be no punishment come Monday...they are done with the coaches after the game.

Over all I had fun watching the game, though.

So that's basically it, I guess. The electricity is ALMOST done in the house, just a switch-over away and then I can hook up my kiln. MY KILN!!!! So I'm dying with impatience for that, but there's not much I can do, so I just wait. And maybe make a phone call this week....we'll see.

Other than that, my kids are doing wonderful and are witty as ever, and I'm actually, yes, actually considering maybe having more some day. Considering.....

The Ups & Downs of Life

2006-07-03T10:22:00.000-04:00

Well, for the most part my life seems to boring and busy to write about, but I suppose if I have a blog I really SHOULD try to use it more often.

Anyway, this past week and a half has been an emotional roller coaster ride. Some of that is hormones, but the rest is just life.

Two Thursdays ago we went to the zoo - Boom, me, Rugger and Pumpkin. The Erie Zoo, that is. Small but close by. We spent a good three hours there, stopping for lunch at the park next door so they could play on the playground. We had a wonderful time and afterwords Boom headed back for home and the kids and I headed off to Ohio for the week.

Well, more accurately, we would go to Indiana fo the weekend, then spend a few days in Ohio. Boom had a linemen camp up at Edinboro University Sunday through Wednesday (where his team was the best this year!) and so we had to go without him.

On Friday we traveled out to Indiana and on Saturday was the reunion, after which we went to my cousin's house to swim a little and eat and chat. We haven't seen them at the reunion much in years past, and it was nice to see them there and visit at their house.

Sunday we went to my Uncle's church and then back to his house for lunch and then the long ride (5 hours plus stops) home again. I made a few hemp necklaces for the first time, and the kids actually did great on the trip out AND back. We had the portable DVD player which decided to work intermittenly due to the back lite going bad, but otherwise we had a good two hours where they were occupied by a movie.

Monday we went grocery shopping and spent some time at my sister's with her and the baby, then Tuesday we went bowling since my mom takes my Grandma to her league, and Rugger just HAD to bowl all by himself, lugging the 6 lb. ball and tossing it sideways.

Then Wednesday we had a great time at the Cleveland Zoo. First time I've been there in a long time, so long that I don't remember the first time I've been there as a small child. The first thing we saw was the elephants since the Erie Zoo and the Akron Zoo (which we visited last year) don't have elephants.

And BOY! did we see the elephants! They went in to eat and we got to watch the keeper spray down the elephant, giving the elephant hand signals to turn around, lift his legs, etc. The kids were absolutely enthralled!

After the zoo we traveled home and ate at CiCi's, a pizza buffet which I had for the first time.

Then Thursday we came home, me driving by myself for the first time on that route, and with the kids.

And that's when the depression hit. Home. Where Mom isn't doing the laundry, making the meals, and entertaining the kids (don't ask me how she does all that AND keeps the house looking great...I have no idea.)

Home. Where I have to chase the dog down if he is ever loose even for a second. Where the toys must always be picked up in order to avoid being chewn. Where the doors to other rooms are closed and a gate to upstairs is put up to avoid things being chewn.

And Boom's solution is to just keep the dog outside all day. But it just kills be to do this. If he had another dog to play with, it would be one thing. But he doesn't. So he just lays there. Almost the whole time.

And if we go outside, he'll bark unless he can reach us. Which inevitably ends up being work the entire time we're out since the kids will trip on the cable and he'll keep jumping after them or trying to reach their toys. And if I go on a walk, I feel guilty leaving him behind, but then I end up pulling him back the entire walk since he doesn't know how to heel, and then I chase him down because I let him loose at the creekbed.

And so we've come to a conclusion: either we give the dog to one of Jim's brother's friends who broke down in tears while we were away because he played with the dog who reminded him of his own who was shot by his neighbor last year. He's a good kid, though he drinks, and we know he'd take good care of him. And if he doesn't want him, then I will have to somehow change my thinking so that I can pretend that I don't have a dog all day long in order to enjoy my kids without guilt. It's just that 100 or more pounds of dog don't mix very well with 30 lb. toddlers. And 30 lb. toddlers don't comprehend how not to get to near the dog so he won't lick them, or how to jump over the cable before it wraps around your leg, or how the dog isn't killing you when it licks the crumbs off of your chair, etc.

So that's were we are at. Back home and back to reality. I didn't miss the dog while we were gone; I enjoyed the freedom of not worrying about it. And I wish I hadn't been so stuipd as to think I could handle a dog at this point in time. And even worse, that it was a full breed so we are pretty much out of several hundred dollars at this point, which we could have used for other things of course.

So one way or the other, it was an expensive lesson learned. And if we DO keep him, I guess I don't mind. I just am not used to ignoring a pet all day. The outside dog we had from the time I was 12 on I DID ignore, but I always felt bad for her. I know she was walked occasionaly and such, but not every day, and I know we didn't always say hi to her and such. And what kind of life is that? All my friends who have dogs have them outside or in a kennel all day, too. So I guess I'm just weird. But I don't get it.....

Money, Money, Money...

2006-05-23T23:02:00.000-04:00

Well, our credit card company should be happy lately. Not that we don't pay it off, but just that we've been using it more this last two weeks.

We decided to splurge and get a portable DVD player (and I also went ahead and got the carrier so I didn't have to make one, that fits on the front seats so the kids can watch from theirs.) We bought a DVD recorder/VCR combo so we can permanantly burn all our old family tapes and such. And tonight we just purchased a Dell bacis computer because we're tired of this one not being able to do anything since it's "SO" old (not even 10 years???)

Oh, well. At least we'll enjoy all three over and over again, so it's quite worth it. But, OUCH! on the pocket book!

And meanwhile, somewhere in the recess of my brain and the room upstairs my clay is calling to me, but I have had places to go and people to meet and I'm not even close to being done. So my precious passion will have to wait.

Writings in the Sand

2006-05-21T21:42:00.000-04:00

Where do I draw the line? How do I draw the line? More accurately, where does GOD want me to draw the line???

I have been on a journey for the last 3 years. A journey of questions, doubts, worries, and a few brief moments of freedom finding.

Since becoming a parent, I have asked myself 100's of times, How do I present the Truth to my children so they understand and live it?

I know that there is no way I can present the Truth to them if I myself am unsure of it. And therein lies the problem.

I didn't used to be this way. Before. Before I went online. Before I found people who lived their lives differently from me. Who opened up a whole new way of thinking and feeling and living. Who for the most part showed me better alternatives to my narrow way of thinking. Whom without I would have floundered even longer than I have to find a way of parenting infants that fits my style and theirs.

But who also created gaps in my faith. Not on purpose, but by the simple act of stating something I had never thought before.

And so I looked and searched and researched. And answers were many and varied, and I still didn't know. And I still am looking and searching and at times I think I have it until something comes along to shatter it all over again.

How do I know what is Right and Good? For surely there IS a Right and Good? Christ didn't set an example so we could keep on playing in the dirty filth we call fun. But so that we could follow and be light to the dark world around us.

So what IS the light? What is not appropriate for us as Christians? Surely there must be SOMETHING every Christian agrees on? Or isn't there....

"Each person has to decide for themselves." "Only God can tell you where to draw the line." "If it's not in the Bible, it's a grey area, and you have to decide for yourself." etc, etc, etc.

It's the Grey that's killing me. Surely God has an opinion of the grey stuff?? I mean, if there's a Best (Christ) then there must be a worst (opposite of Christ). And the inbetween must fall SOMEWHERE closer to Best or Worst. How can a certain inbetween fall closer to Worst for me, but be closer to Best for you? Or vice versa?

Wouldn't it stand to reason that if one had all his/her Grey matter shoved closer to the Best that there would be hardly ANYTHING they'd consider to be close to being Worst? And wouldn't that technically mean that even something that is Sorta-Worst would end up on their Sorta-Best end instead?

Or from another angle, if someone's line is so close to the edge that even a bump would send them flailing, then wouldn't that mean there is nothing they consider wrong?

So where do you draw the line?

I grew up with the line so far from the edge that I didn't even know what the edge looked like. I was ridiculed for being naive, chastised for being ignorant, and pitied for being sheltered. But I never once came close to falling off that cliff.

On the other hand, I see people dancing on the safety barrier because they, afterall, know they can handle it. It doesn't affect them...

But how can it not? Wouldn't it stand to reason that the closer to the edge you begin, the better chance you have of going over it someday?

But maybe my analogy is wrong. I once was asked if I thought God's Will was like a target, and I didn't get the bullseye then I have missed and messed up my life. Yes, I do think that's what it's like.

But they say it's not. That God can have many plans and as long as you are in His daily will, you are okay. But in my thinking, that still means that eventually you will hit the Bullseye, the Mark, the Goal.

So what IS the truth? How do I find it? I've memorized scripture since I was a kid, and I can talk circles around my OWN theologies, so how to I glean the good stuff and leave the chaff behind? I admit that praying is hard for me. I feel I don't know how to do it right. I talk, I try to listen, I hear nothing. Then I try to guess what I did wrong so I can confess and hear God, and I still don't hear Him.

Why is everyone else comfortable with the choices they've made, but me? And when I think I AM comfortable, I meet someone who disagrees with me, and I begin to doubt again. Especially if GOD told them that THEIR way was right for them. If it's right for them, then perhaps it should be right for me. Afterall, I'm not entirely sure it was God who I heard from in the first place. Maybe it was just wishful thinking on my part.

Yes, I'm a people pleaser, which also translates into me wanting to please God. To the extreme. Give me a list God, I may die trying, but You know I'll try. If it went against everything I feel, I'd still do it. Because I want to get it RIGHT.

I have tried to follow instinct, believing God gave it to me, as a parent. But when all the other Christian parents do something different, then I begin to wonder. God wouldn't tell all the other Mom's one thing and me another, would He? And if so, then how does He expect me to fit in when they start talking about how I should do it "such and such" a way?

So where do I draw the line? How do I draw the line? I feel like the men who accused the woman who was sleeping with a man not married to her, when Jesus began to write in the sand. Maybe they saw what He was writing, but we don't know. But I feel like my lines are all written in the sand, only I can't make them out. And when I think I see where they are, the prevailing winds come and they fade away.

I'm a lot closer to the edge than I have ever been before, and believe me, it's not always easy. I liked being safe, and I'm not convinced that that isn't the better place to be. But I don't know, and I don't know if I'll ever know. But I want to know.

I want it to be more than just writings in the sand.

Busy, busy, busy!

2006-05-06T17:23:00.000-04:00

This week I:

- Went to a new church for the second time, including Sunday School and a carry-in/annual meeting afterwards.

- Helped Boom move his desk upstairs to the attic, along with my sewing machine and all his stuff

- Moved my desk to the living room and moved the fish tank to the opposite wall

- On Monday I re-arranged the living room which included drilling a hole big enough for two cable wires through our thick double 100 yr. old floor boards, un-splicing and re-splicing phone wire for the computer, moving all furniture and entertainment center and computer

- Went to small meeting at library to discuss a small application tape for "Deal Or No Deal" for one of the group members

- On Tuesday I visited with the pastor's daughter/associate pastor's wife and her kids and the kids she watches; had a great time talking

- Wednesday was shopping day (grocery and Walmart) and then Awana where I felt like a liar and betrayer

- Thursday was story hour and then I made shish-kabobs for supper then we met with the pastor

- Friday another quick errand at the store and then on to a lady from our current church's house where we took 7 hours to make 6 stepping stones for the ladies retreat next weekend (which I'm not going to in case you wanted to know) Wanted to tell her since she's also in charge of Awana, but didn't have to heart or courage to....

- Today I've cleaned all the rooms, almost and tidied up everything and the kids are in the bath, I'm next, then more shish-kabobs.

There - there's my week. How was yours?

To Everything There Is A Season

2006-05-06T17:15:00.000-04:00

We don't give up easily, Boom and I. At least we try very hard not to. But we were beginning to feel so downtrodden every time we walked into church that we had to do SOMETHING.

After months of soul searching and praying (more on his part than mine - I just kept hoping it'd get better) we decided to finally try the church here in town that we'd heard about and that we knew at least a few folks who attend.

The first Sunday was okay, enough to try again. The second Sunday we knew. This was where we wanted to be.

I hope it's not wrong. I hope this is where God is leading us. Boom thinks so - God always leads him; I just follow. I keep thinking that anything that might make me happy God wouldn't want, so I can't completely feel at ease with this. And everytime I go to church on Wednesday I feel like a traitor and a liar.

What hurts worse, though, is that no one has noticed our absence, or at least not that they've mentioned. But that's how it's been - that's why we wanted something else.

A church is supposed to be a family, a support, a fellowship. We need friends, not just mentors. We need people who will help encourage us in our Christian walk, not just wish us good luck.

The people have always been friendly and nice, just not to the point that we felt appreciated beyond the warm chair and the positions of service we filled.

So we are moving on. How we will break it off we don't know, yet. How they'll respond we don't know yet. Whether the new church will be all that different we can't say for sure, yet. But we won't give up. Somewhere out there....there has to be people who like us for who we ARE, not what we DO. I hope this is that place....

Yeah, THIS is the answer.....

2006-04-18T10:11:00.000-04:00

Noelle, the pregnant robot.

But does she let the staff know if they were kind or cross? Is she able to show emotion when she feels treated like, well, a machine, instead of a human being? Does she cry in pain or joy?

"We steal shamelessly from everybody and everywhere that has good training programs."

What about homebirths and midwifery where training is hands-on, personal, and the outcomes are statistically better than medicated births?

But I guess if you're going for the whole "patients aren't people, they are statistics" thing, then a robot probably will do wonders for you.

Update on my life

2006-04-13T17:52:00.000-04:00

Okay, so how do I sum it all up and yet convey all that has gone on in a couple of weeks?

We got our puppy, Boomer. After the first week I went nuts with trying to get him outdoors every 10 minutes (which is how often he peed, being only 7 1/2 weeks old) and stopping him from chewing everything in site. So Boom built an outdoor pen for him, big enough to run around in and chew things, etc, where I can put him if it's nice out when I need a couple hours to clean or something. He was carte trained on his own after night one, and was sleeping pretty much 6 hours straight until we had a bout of the runs for a little over a week which I just cleared up with a "chicken & rice" remedy (boiled chicken with rice...they like it, it worked!) He's learning to go to the door when he needs to go out, and he only goes every half hour at most, or every hour or something. With the weather being so nice we stay outside as much as possible.

He's also learning "Come" and to lick instead of bite me, though we have to work on Boom since he seems to like chewing into him pretty good. And we even took our first walk today, leash and new surroundings and all, unless you count the playground out back, where we have gone a few times now.

I won second place (out of many, actually, thank-you-very-much) in an essay contest for our local library system, receiving a $25 gift certificate to Walden books (much preferred over the first place prize of $100 savings bond.) I decided to car pool with the first place winner who is also from my town and I made a new friend!

Long story short, her hubby had an Art League meeting same night across the street from the awards, and so we met him there afterwards, and I got to meet the lady in charge of the Art League, who it turns out is a sculpture, who uses clay, and she told me about this clay supply place not even 25 minutes from our house!!!!

It's not listed in the Yellow Pages or online, so I had NO IDEA that it existed. I can now buy my clay (which comes in 50 lbs minimum quantities) without having to pay tons of shipping, and they can order anything I want! And they have all the tools I'd need! YEAH!!!!!!!!!

So I bought one small tool, goggles to peer in at the cones during firing (like welder's goggles) and some oven-mitts that are fire proof or whatever so you can touch the kiln during firing without loosing your hand.

I also went to the Awana Games two weekends ago and the kids loved it. I DID enjoy it, actually, I just wish the politics sometimes were different (within our own church, that is...)

And I was reminiscing the other day about marching band (I was a colorguard for my Junior & Senior years) as I was French braiding my own hair, which I learned out of necessity for marching band. My hair had to be braided while wet, so I couldn't have someone else do it all the time, and it wasn't really that bad; I can even do double braids.

But boy, I loved marching. I gave it my all, every time. We were good, too, for the most part. And I miss good marching bands. Our local high school just doesn't cut it these days, and I hope that someday they improve so I can look forward to half-time again. We didn't just marched, we PERFORMED. And we had VERY high standards. No lazy marching would do for us...no-sir-ee. We held our FEET - TOGETHER!! SHOULDERS - BACK!! BUTT - IN!! CHIN - HELD HIGH!! EYES - WITH PRIDE!! EYES - WITH PRIDE!! And I LOVED it!

So anyway, things are looking up with Spring. Went on a walk today, though it rained just then, but the sun came out before we were done and dried us off. It's good with Spring in the air again.

Now if only I could get that kiln operating....

Picture of my Elephant Mug

2006-03-25T15:24:00.000-05:00

The recipient loved it, though her young daughter loved it more and claimed it for her own :) I was quite proud of it being my first mug!

This is the mug I received in the exchange:

Wonder what Dreams Are Made Of

2006-03-25T15:02:00.000-05:00

This week I have been daydreaming. A lot. Sometimes I dream about doing something really cool and everyone liking me, or I daydream about my kids and our unschooling and how fun it will be to learn and the places we'll go and the things we'll experiment with...sometimes I daydream about having friends.

This week I dreamed about Ocarinas. Not just ocarinas. MY ocarinas. On sale at craft tables where all the kids are gathered to see the cool pendant ocarinas I'll have. And not just ocarinas, but mugs and plates and bowls and candle holders and tart burners and sculptures and....

You get the idea. It's so far from reality right now that I really should stop daydreaming. But I can't help it. To be good at someone and have someone recognize that fact and appreciate it...who can help but to want that feeling?

I don't even have a kiln hooked up yet. And my "studio" is more like a play-doh work station. And I don't have a wheel made yet. But the dreams still persist.

Today I had practice for Awana Games. I'm the coach, mostly by necessity and the fact that a year ago I said I'd HELP with games and was asked to head it up (which I hated, by the way, and would have quit if not for my people-pleasing guilt factor.) So this year we are going to the olympics so to speak, and we aren't very good, to put it mildly. I don't want to be the coach. Never have. I like kids, don't get me wrong. But I only want to be in charge of something if I'm passionate about it. And frankly, I'm not passionate about Awana Games.

And yet, people keep telling my I'm doing a good job, and that the kids love Awana Games (they also like recess...it's not hard to please them in that regard.) And today one woman who meant very well told me I was born to be the Games Leader since I do such a good job. So much for trying to quit next year (the Awana Director who has been on vacation and will be another week was standing right there...and who is responsible for me being in this position, and whom I can't get to understand my point of view in certain things...)

Anyway, I seem to get recognized for being "good" at all the things I could care less about. In school it was grades. "Oh, you're so smart!" In the yearbooks it was "to a smart and nice girl." Nothing about cool, unique, fun, funny, pretty....just smart and nice. Whoop-di-do.....

So I can't help but to daydream about being good at something I want to do, ME, not anyone else telling me I should because "you'd be good at it." Not something I do because "no one else signed up." Not something I do because I volunteer to help and end up in charge. Something I do because it's fun. Because I enjoy the whole process. I don't count it as work, I count it as progress. Something that tells a story about me.

I wish being a mother fit that category. But truth is, I don't feel like a great mom. And people won't say, "Oh, that's so cool that you co-sleep, you can tell!" or "Your kids are so well adjusted, I bet it's because you unschooled them!"

And so I would like to have a hobby. A hobby I can share. To open myself up, possibly to disappointment.

But for now I can daydream. I can daydream that my work will be great. That people will line up to see the only potter in town...

At least the house is clean from my work yesterday, because with my head so far in the clouds I just don't feel like doing anything...

Learning to be Content

2006-03-21T21:05:00.000-05:00

I find that right now, at this point in my life, I am learning to be content. Truly. I have a wonderful husband, two beautiful, healthy children, I have a good-sized house, we just bought a used 11-year old van, and we are getting a new lab puppy next week. I have a hobby I'm loving, Boom has a job he loves most of the time, and I'm actually feeling at home in this area.

And yet on days like these it all comes down again. I hate how hormones can control me so easily. Last week my son was fussy every night until I finally knew we needed a doctor and found both an ear infection and some pneumonia. Then my daughter starts up with croup. I missed church Wednesday and Sunday feeling guilty as anything. But I was still content. I was glad for the things I had and happy about our lives.

Until today. Today my kids were happy and playful. The sun was out. I relaxed most of the day. But I feel down. Depressed. Worthless. Like I'll never be successful at my hobby - I don't even deserve to play with play-doh. That I'm a horrible mother who can't get my daughter to eat healthy food anymore and I'm not exactly the best example setter in that arena. I can't stand Rugger nursing to sleep many times because it's just irritating now. And worse, yesterday I actually felt I had a better time at Apples of Gold, opening up some more and being assured that I was accepted. But now I feel that I used it too much for my own selfish therapy. That I'm going to be dreaded for company because all I ever talk about is me.

And it's true. I'm so darned desperate for company that when I get ANYONE to listen, I go on and on and on. And I can't stop. Or if I do, I come home and get depressed.

But if today wasn't today, and if I wasn't in that week before womanhood makes it's appearance, then I'm pretty sure I'd be feeling fine today. Because it was sunny out. And I have a wonderful husband, two great kids, a house, income, a "new" mini van, and a dog on the way.

And what more could I really need?

Some Signs You Have A Male Toddler In Your House

2006-03-09T11:01:00.000-05:00

1. You are constantly cleaning your furniture to remove the smeared banana, spaghetti, catsup and any other food that you've eaten lately. (I know, I need to contain eating to the kitchen. I know.)

2. You are constantly putting away small knives, screws, fingernail clippers and other items that might be weapons in small hands, even though you have no idea where said items were found.

3. Every time you walk away after putting in a DVD for your 3 yr. old, you end up having to start all over because "someone" opened the display door and pushed the "open" button, AGAIN. After 5 times of finding the spot in the movie where it was stopped, this gets pretty old. Especially when you're in the middle of doing dishes, or cleaning, which may not happen often, and now you know why.

4. You find an apple sitting in the detergent compartment of your dishwasher. Harmless, actually, but quite revealing regarding how your child thinks. Obviously the dishwasher IS a toy, after all. It cleans about as good as one, which is why I attempt to wash dishes during DVD viewing.

5. You hear what you think is someone rolling up the toilet paper while you are in the shower. After all, while you are sitting on the potty both children frequently visit you and roll up said roll. However, upon exiting the shower you notice there IS no toilet paper, though you are SURE you didn't use it all up. Confusion ceases upon entering living room where a trail of toilet paper ends in a pile of chocolate-smeared toilet paper. Why you didn't THINK before leaving the ice cream in their possession while showering is beyond you, but apparently your boy has enough sense to find something to clean up with....

Ode to Dirt Roads

2006-03-09T10:08:00.000-05:00

Anyone who comments about dirt roads being scenic and a necessary part of country life hasn't driven on them as much as I have.

Now, for some reason Boom used to actually LIKE the dirt roads. We used to visit here from Pittsburgh and he would lighten up like a school boy when we hit the dirt. I'm sure a lot of it was because it sparked memories of his high school life of speeding and getting stuck in ditches, and of baw-hawing through fields, and of cows in the road, and other fun things like that.

But now, he knows better. He knows dirt roads aren't kind to your body as you jolt every joint and all your organs flop around inside of you. He knows dirt roads aren't kind to your car, which needs replaced almost yearly due to the wear and tear caused by the stupid roads, and I know that I'd rather pay those mile-high taxes that New York state has because the minute you hit their state you know by the smooth pavement and easy driving.

For those of you who don't have the luxury of driving frequently on dirt roads, I'll tell you all about them.

First off, dirt roads are DIRTY. Or, more accurately, they are dusty. In the middle of summer you can see a car go by a mile away due to the huge cloud of dust that comes up off the road. I'm surprised there's any road left by the amount of dust that leaves and blows inevitably towards your home and fills your house with dust so much so that you probably consume more dust than the average vacuum cleaner. Your car is also covered in dust because of course you don't have air conditioning and thus the windows are open to help you bare the high humidity, and you no longer remember the color of your dashboard due to the thickness of the brown dust. In fact, scientists would probably date your car to be from around the Crustacean period based on the layer of dust found in the back of you car.

Second, when dirt roads AREN'T dusty, it's because they have been covered with oil, or doused with rain, each of which carry their unique properties into your home.

For some reason, instead of paving, we country folks have this bright idea that in order to calm the dust in front of houses, we'll just pour a lot of old, yucky, good-for-nothing oil on the road. Now, what's amazing about this is that I really don't see any point to this. They only pour the oil in front of the house, so when it's windy out (99.9% of the time on the dirt road I lived on) the dust from just before or just after the oil would blow up to the house, anyway.

And then there's the actual oil. Who hasn't been driving along on a nice Spring day when all of a sudden they see that tell tale black spot just ahead and they realize they can't slow down in time because the dirt isn't exactly a swell spot of friction, and so they end up skidding right into the oil spot causing oil to splat upon most of the car and surroundings. Boom used to joke that it was the cheap way to coat his underside of the car, but the truth is that it would be coated whether or not you want it to be. And chances are, it will be more than coated, it will splatter all over the car, creating a brown car (from the dust) with black spots. Of course, as soon as you are off the oil you are driving through loose dust again, which is attracted to the fresh oil like the flies to a hot summer day.

But that's not all. There's more. When not dusty, and when not oily, the roads are inevitably muddy. Now, that may not sound all that horrible, but that's because you've never had to try steering a car (or worse, a rear-wheel drive vehicle) through this stuff. It's like hydroplaning through pudding. You are swerving and sliding and falling off the road, which would fun if you were in an arena with monster trucks and lots of cheering. But you're not. You're late for just about anything and know that the fast you drive the slower you'll get there.

And the equivalent of mud in the winter is slosh. Snow doesn't stay snow very long during a sunny day; it turns to mush. And driving in wet snow is basically as hard as driving in mud, with the added challenge of not being able to see where the edges of the road are, or if you're even ON the road anymore. Of course, sometimes you THINK there is slush on the road. But you're wrong. It's actually ice. Frozen slush, with hard ridges and gullies left by the tracks of all the previous travelers on this road - all three of you. So now you either try to follow the swerving tracks, or else drive in a straight line (how foolish!) and let your shocks get the workout of a lifetime over all the bumps.

But again, that's not all. Because in every season, or at least until they grate the road (grate means they loosen up all the dirt so it's dustier and VERY loose to drive on, making even the most experience drivers lose control,) there will be pot holes. And I'm not talking about one pot hole every mile or so. No, I'm talking pot holes that make Swiss Cheese look solid. Trying to avoid the holes will only make you hit more of them at all the wrong angles, and sometimes you wonder if it wouldn't be easier to just drive through the field, after all. Forget trying to lull Junior to sleep in the back seat. You're more likely to need a chiropractor after your journey's over. Except that on the way HOME from the chiropractor, you'd bounce everything out of place again.

And to make it even more fun, when it's snowcovered, the pot holes are completely hidden, making for a most interesting adventure.

And that's the adventure I had yesterday as I drove to a new friend's house. For friend I now hope she is. She started coming to church a few weeks ago, and doesn't have a churched background. But she IS crunchy (as in granola, as in she is more natural-oriented, like myself!) and we have VERY uncanny-how-they're-alike mother-in-laws.

So I guess it was worth the dirt road if I made a new friend. Of course, she lives JUST across the PA/NY border, so that you know you are at her driveway when you hit the blissful smoothness of pavement. Lucky girl...

Snow Day and a Birthday

2006-03-09T09:48:00.000-05:00

I'm behind a few days, so you'll have to excuse me for writing many blogs in one day.

A week ago today we had a snow day and Boom got to stay home. Most of the day he worked on the attic (which is looking SOO nice!) but then he also went to the store for some supplies. Well, when he got back he asked if I wanted to open my birthday present, because, "let's face it. I bought your present today."

Now, my birthday wasn't until Saturday, but I've rarely opened my presents only on the actual day, so I told him it would be fine to open them, since Friday we'd be leaving for Ohio for the weekend and that way I could open his presents with just OUR family.

So then he started hinting that what he got he thought I'd really like, since he looked at my wish list (something I started so I could remember when birthday's and Christmas came what I'd like, since usually I can't remember.) Anyway, he said it was NOT on my list, but something similar.

Well, I admit, I was a tad worried. You see, Boom always tries to get me something I'll like. And being the gift lover I am, I always hope he can get something that says "ME" and not just something that would be nice, but says nothing about who I am. So I was anxious to see what exactly he picked that WASN'T on my list, but he thought I'd like, anyway.

And then I told him all about the wonders of on-line shopping so he could get things cheaper, and the exact thing I want, and long before the actual day, and all without leaving the house. But he's old-fashioned that way. I think he likes to SEE what he's picking out.

So as I put away clothes, he starts wrapping my gift (he asked if I wanted it wrapped, and since most of his gifts have NOT been due to the way he forgets things, I said, "yes"), and he uses the Sports motif wrapping paper, giving me a sly look....

So a few minutes later we're watching Survivor and he asked if I was ready to open it. I had actually forgotten, again, that I had a gift to open, and I was now excited to see what the secret was. As I read the card, Boom again was being his goofy, sly self and wrote, "To the biggest sports nut I know" which of course I am anything but, so I didn't know if he was playing a mental game with me (his favorite type of game) or if he actually got me something sports related.

See, that's the thing. I honestly can't tell sometimes when Boom is kidding me, or being real. Which makes me feel like I don't really know him, but he admits that he is strange and likes to fool people, so he can't blame me for the times I misunderstand him. Most of the time I know deep down inside, but there's the always the part of the that admits the possibility of what he's saying could be true.

So as I open the gift, he got me one thing that WAS on my list - the Tarzan animated soundtrack, which I thought about after watching Tarzan again, and then realizing as I searched that it was Phil Collins who wrote the music, etc.

And then the second part of the gift....

He got me the whole single season series of "The Lone Gunman," a show that aired on Fox and was about conspiracy theories and goofy nerdy guys, and a sleek woman who was always a step ahead of them. I loved it!

He later explained that he had wanted to get me the Monk series, from the cable series, but that it was even more than the Lord of the Rings movies that I also want, so then he saw the Lone Gunman series, and though also expensive it was more affordable, and he knew I had liked the show, and so he got that.

And I think it's the best gift I've gotten from him :)

I also got several gifts from my parents and sis, and got to see my other best friend from high school who stayed for my dinner, and she had her soon-to-be-adopted little girl with her. I went shopping with my sister, where we had a great time, and my nephew is growing up very nicely, and I went to Pat Catan's and got some hemp thread and beads to make a necklace or two, or an anklet, to go with my new hippy skirt and several tops that I treated myself to a could of weeks ago.

Then my nephew was dedicated on Sunday, and we ate Papa John's pizza before leaving for home again.

It was a fine birthday, indeed.

Finding Myself in the Most Unlikely Places

2006-02-27T21:34:00.000-05:00

I don't usually post twice in a day. But since I haven't kept up with posting daily, anyway, I might as well post twice in a day when I can.

Tonight was the salve for my angst earlier. I had our monthly book discussion group tonight.

We talked about our pathetic county and economics, about the school situation that is boiling right now, about Walmart moving in, about a private joke that I now own from a former club meeting, and yes, we even talked about the book some :)

You see, even though some of the books are books that I'm not sure I should be reading, truth be told there are movies the equivalent which I have seen, so I guess I can't be too harsh on myself. But what I've found is that I actually have a home here in the library club. A place where people are getting to know the "real" ME. I feel odd saying my pseudonym, but for sake of, people of getting to know Prism again. The Prism that people knew in high school and college. The one hiding behind the face of "Pumpkin's Mom" and "the coach's Wife." The Prism that I feel comfortable with.

I love the fact that there is a private joke relating to me in this groups, slightly off-color and embarrassing though it may be. It's mine, and it fits me, and I'm glad. It makes me feel part of something. Everyone in this group thinks of me on a regular basis because of this joke. And I like that.

Not very often do I see these people in town, but when I do, I'm glad I know them. Most wouldn't fit into my "best friends" kind of person that I'd search out. We disagree on God, on economics, on politics, on which books to read, etc. But we all find a way to share our opinions in a kind way, often a humorous way. We share our interests and our personalities in an hour and a half. And I love it.

I feel part of this town, this community. I feel like "one of us." Most share my view and distaste of Warren, and I'm glad to know I'm not the only one choosing to live here and yet wondering why I'm living HERE. Or more accurately, why HERE can't be like other places, since it's not so bad otherwise.

And I even met another Christian there tonight. She came for the first time. She's a pastor's wife with two very young children. So I'm hoping that maybe there will be something there. If not her, maybe someone she knows. But she seemed very understanding and I just opened up to her. My only regret is that I talk too much about myself in my desire to be known, and when normally I would shut up and listen I now keep going on in the hopes that a light bulb will go on in the other person's face and I'll know I've found that bosom friend.

I know that's not how it works, but as in my previous post, I'm just plain desperate.

But the most interesting thing to me is something I discovered when I was a kid. It was the very same thing that almost made me walk away from God, and I can't say that I don't feel the same pull at this time in my life.

At a time when it seems so hard to be a Christian and practice the things I want to practice. "Hippy" things, as I call them. Things that if I were NOT a Christian would be no problem for us as a family to carry out. There would be no criticism from people that meant anything to me. The only criticism I listen to is the kind that says I am not following God's Will or best, etc. If I wasn't a Christian, I wouldn't care what they thought, and I'd be fine following my heart.

At a time when I'm searching for my identity as a mother and wife and yet wanting to retain the original me, and no one seems to want to take the time to KNOW the original me....

I find that at a little library for and hour and a half each month, there's at least 5 other ladies who are getting to know me. And not just KNOW me, but appreciate me. ME. ALL of me. They don't make fun of me. They laugh WITH me. They like me.

And as I compare the time I had earlier, in which I do believe the ladies like me, I find that of the two, the one where I feel ACCEPTED at is in a group where only 2 at most would I call true believers (all of them attend church, I believe.) And yet they accept me and make me feel welcome, come all.

Whereas at church I feel parts of me are not so welcome. And this isn't the first. Growing up I always prayed for a good Christian friend, and instead I'd get lots of people who liked me, but didn't so much like my God. But they were there for me when the kids at church wouldn't include me. They were accepting of my quirkiness and humor and personality, and the church kids just thought I was a nerd and weird.

Why is it that all my life I've fit in more with the unsaved crowd, and that the saved crowd, the very one that is supposed to be a refuge, causes me to feel "odd" and "different." I'm always afraid to be MYSELF in front of them. Not so with the unsaved. They don't judge because they don't have a standard to live up to.

Not that they don't judge ever, or that they accept everything and everybody. But in general I find they are more open to being who you are, and Christians still seem to have an idea of what you are supposed to BE.

And maybe I'm reading it wrong, but as Dr. Phil says, it's the feelings that count. If you are feeling a certain way, even if it's not true, you need to do something so that you don't feel that way anymore. In a marriage, for example, if a wife FEELS that her hubby isn't spending enough time, but he knows he's sacrificing as it is...it doesn't matter. She doesn't FEEL that it's enough, so he needs to do something to show her how much she means. He doesn't even necessarily have to spend MORE time with her, but maybe make the time spent more quality. Or do something special each week that won't be interrupted, etc.

And so even if the ladies at church DO accept me, the truth of the matter is that I don't FEEL accepted. I don't feel the same acceptance that I get from the library group. The library group WANTS me there, they invite me to their homes. Not so with the church group.

And I still wonder, "WHY???"

Why, when I'm doubting my faith and questioning my God, do the people who don't know Him welcome me with open arms, and the people who claim to follow Him more or less "let" me in?

And if it weren't for God speaking rather clearly to me ONCE in my life as a teenager, and if it weren't for my husband who turned to God later in life and I respect that he is not stupid, then I'd be more than doubting right now. I'd be long gone.

And I hate saying that. But it's where I am right now. I feel like Gideon and throwing out the fleece once again. But even though God answered Gideon more than once, I don't know that He'd do it for me. Of course, I wasn't so sure He'd do it the first time, either.....

One of the darkest points in my life, maybe actually the darkest, truthfully, was when I was a freshman in high school. Our church was having a youth convention with another church (at our church) and we had signed up for a couple girls to spend the night at our house. Well, that night the preacher was great, but when he started saying prophetic (actually, it's wasn't prophetic, it was more that he spoke about them, that God was speaking to them through him, but I can't remember what this is called) words about different people, and I so desperately wished God would speak about me. But He didn't.

And as I went to bed that night, I just cried. All my life I had been in a Christian school and at church, and no one had befriended me. And my first few months in a public school and I had lots of friends and everyone seemed to like me. And I thought, if this is the way God takes care of His people, I don't want anything to do with it. And I thought of the people who He had talked to that night, and I basically told God that I wanted Him to touch ME, too. I knew He was real because there was too much evidence for me to believe otherwise. But I didn't think he knew *I* existed. So if He didn't touch ME, personally, then that was it. I'd rather go to hell. What was the point? Why serve a God who didn't know I existed? So my last prayer as I fell to sleep was, "God, touch me."

Next day I was numb. No feelings. No hurt. I was empty and uncaring. I had walked away from God and didn't know what my life would be like, but I didn't care. I hadn't read the papers we were sent home with, which ending up being a twist on the Velvetine Rabbit story. I didn't know the story talked about a rabbit who received a touch from God.

But as the pastor spoke that day, it was as if God was confirming that He had heard me. Without me seeing that paper, He had prepared the talk for that day to be about "touch," the same word I had used. I was in awe and very nervous. When he started to pray, he mentioned that two types of people where there that day, I can't remember what the first group was, but the second was, "and those who need a touch from God."

I had never gone to the alter before. I got saved when I was 5 and didn't care about being in front of people. So I was afraid of what people would think of the Good Two Shoes going to get prayed for. But I knew I had to go, so I did.

I was the first person the pastor prayed for. And since at that time I hadn't been tarnished by over-emotional churches who insist that one must fall over to receive the Holy Spirit, I was not alarmed when I felt a pushing on my forehead. I didn't think about falling over or anything, I just thought he was praying hard and fervently for me. To this day, I'm not sure if he was even touching me, but if not, then that was the only time in my life that I honestly felt the power of God in a physical sense, and since I DO believe that people can be slain (it happened to Saul/Paul), I believe He is able to touch us in that way. Just not as much as people make it to be.

Anyway, the only part of the prayer I remember is that he said that "God sees you. He knows you. ..........He will use your compassion for people to reach them." And of course I cried knowing that my God had actually heard me and loved me....

And I DO, or did, have compassion for people. I want to believe that was a true word from God. But I don't know how to use it when I can't even get people to meet with me.

Which brings me full circle and back in the same seat I was then. Friends that don't believe in God, and people who believe in God that aren't my TRUE friends. And this time I KNOW God knows me, so instead I'm just asking WHY?

Does He still have a plan? What is it? When will I know it? Why do I make friends more easily with these types of people? Am I too worldly? Am I supposed to be a light to them? What does that entail?

But for now, I will just be happy with the fun I had, the laughs I shared. The affirmation that Prism is a person people can like and want to be around. That I'm ME, and people like ME. And maybe, someday soon, hopefully, I'll understand why it's them and not the others. But for now, I'm happy I'm liked for being the person I still believe God made me to be.

What Is Wrong With Me???

2006-02-27T16:44:00.000-05:00

***WARNING!!!*** This post contains adult topics...

I know this refrain is getting old. It's getting old for me, too. I wish it would stop. All go away. I get tired of it. Tired of the questioning. Tired of the wondering, the wanting to know the WHY. The forbidden fruit, I guess.

I'm tired of feeling like a freak. Of being different. Of wondering why I am the way I am and no one else is this way. Tired of waiting for someone who actually understands or GETS me.

And today I possible made a major fool of myself in a desperate attempt to find answers. Only when I am at my breaking points do I let my guard down and get real with people. And I always regret it. Only when I can't take it anymore will you see me shed a tear in your presence.

Unfortunately, since having Pumpkin it seems I am always vulnerable. Always on the verge of tears and losing it. Always at the bottom of the pit.

I don't understand God. I don't understand the Bible. I don't understand what I'm supposed to do, who I'm supposed to be, how I'm supposed to act, what I'm supposed to pass on to my own children.

I don't know why I have a HUGE guilt complex. But I do. I have the need, or the desire...the DRIVE to confess all my deepest darkest sins and secrets to the public, so they know who I REALLY am. It doesn't matter that God knows...I feel like a deceiver. It's not like the sins I have hidden haven't been done before. They aren't even bad on a scale of the worst. But they are unknown, and that bothers me.

I don't know why I have to be good all the time. I like to know what the "right" thing is so I can do it, and do it perfectly. I know when I have failed, and if I want to, I will not fail.

I don't know why I question everything now. Why I can't seem to accept that anything is okay, that what I feel in my heart truly IS the way God wants me to do things. Why I can't shut off the voices in my head, on the computer, in the books, on the T.V., in the magazine, at the church. The voices that each have a convincing reason that I am wrong regardless of the choice I make. Each can use scripture or studies showing the impact if I am wrong.

Why can't I read scripture and feel like it speaks to ME??? Why is it I only find more questions, nagging, relentless questions about the God I serve and what He expects from me? What am I doing wrong that makes it so I can't hear His voice louder than the others?

And if I shut them all out...so that perhaps I hear the still small voice, I am afraid He won't be there. Or if I DO think I hear...then when I encounter a voice, immediately they tell me that I am way off. Again.

I have been reading through the Bible with our church, chronologically, and it's very difficult for me so far. I see why people think that the stories are myth because, frankly, it's hard to know how to know these things REALLY happened. I am currently reading the fodder for those who believe God is harsh, unloving, and vengeful. Leviticus.

If there's another book that is as harsh as this, I don't look forward to it. I've read the Bible before, but not really dove into it, searching for answers. Thank goodness I already believe, shaken though I feel right now, because this would make me walk away for good, thank you very much.

Why did God kill Aaron's sons? Why was the punishment for certain sins death, and other similar sins simply ex-comunication? Why were women regarded as more unclean than men (male births made women unclean for 7 days, female births for 14 ? ) I don't understand. I want to know WHY?

Why is it that if it's an attitude thing, which is what I'm told, that David, who had a repentant heart, was given TIME to repent, but not Ananias and Saphira? (spelling may be off, I'm not checking the names right now because I'm laying my heart out here, forgive me.) I don't understand. I want to know WHY?

I want to know what God planned for families. What marital love was meant to be like. Were Adam and Eve told how to make love, the secrets of their bodies? Or did they have to discover it? And was Adam such a terrific lover that he discovered her pleasures on day one, or was she like many (Christian, mostly) woman today who wait years into their marriage before they realize how they work?

Was Eve terrified of giving birth, unknowing and unsure? Did she panic as waves of pain overcame her? What, exactly, was different from the original plan of giving birth, since most other mammals give birth as we do???

Did Adam and Eve hold their child, sleep with their child, or shove it off and ignore it's cries, realizing that "it would be okay" and "it needed to learn that the world doesn't revolve around it?"

Personally, I think God DID tell Adam and Eve a few secrets about love making. Maybe I'm way off, goodness knows it seems to be that way a lot. But if He told them how to tend a garden, and what animals are, etc. WHY IN THE WORLD would he leave them to be frustrated trying (fun as it may be) to discover something that seems JUST out of their reach?

I read about Eastern women who are trained in the art of love making so they will be a pleasing wife to their future husband. They don't have sex, they are just told HOW to have sex. Maybe this is wrong. I don't know. But what I DO know is that surely they have a better time on their honeymoon than couples where the bride is so shy she leaves the lights off all night long for goodness sakes. Between the two, I'd say God would want us to ENJOY the gift of sex, not hide from it like schoolgirls.

I've read about tribal women who are in rhythm with their bodies during labor. They sway, the women around them sway, in a belly dance, in tune with nature and birth. She is calm, relaxed. She gives birth without fear, or panic. Then there's the Western way. Fear so strong we immerse ourselves in a medicine to shut out all feeling, not even aware of the power within our bodies, bringing our children from within to without. The passage of life, and we are separated from it by a needle, or a knife.

In many cultures children are a part of daily life. Not something to be separated into other beds, other rooms, into buildings for learning. They are carried to work, they aren't left with sitters. Many cultures have one bedroom houses, where families sleep together. Babies are conceived while their siblings are sleeping. In this culture, one would be crude and inappropriate to do such a thing.

So I don't know where to go. I want my daughter to embrace her sexuality. Not with other people before she's married, but with all abandon after she's married. I don't want her to go years without realizing that females can have orgasms. But how do I tell her? Am I allowed to tell her?

I found out most of what I knew from the internet while I was engaged. I didn't know about books like Kevin Leman's "Sheet Music." So I looked stuff up on the net. And I learned what I wanted to know. And I had fun discovering how it worked once I was married. Though I was also tempted and found out some before.

So I know I don't want to go too far with my daughter. But what IS too far? Does God really want us to send our children into marriage not knowing that a female can orgasm? Since let's face it, most men know that THEY can orgasm. Some women don't even know what the word MEANS before they are married. How much of a shock do we let them have?

Yes, it could be a VERY pleasant thing to be surprised in a marriage. To be innocent. But how do you balance that with enough knowledge to let them be open and expecting, instead of shocked and horrified? Our men obviously go into it ready and willing. Why shouldn't our women? Why is it wrong to teach our children HOW to have sex (I'm not sure WHEN to teach them if it's okay, I'm just asking...)? We teach them how to sew, cook, clean, fix things. But SEX? Well, that should be discussed by the couple to be only....

And that's why we have the problems we do. Couples who don't consummate the marriage two years into it still. Couples who only have sex to procreate, creating a frustration I don't even want to contemplate.

And the fact that I brought all this up at the Apples of Gold meeting today means that no one there will ever think of me the same again.

Yes, I'm open. Open minded, for that matter. And yes, I suppose I am weird. To them. To you. To whoever thinks so.

It started with gift-giving. I talked about how gifts are my love language, and somehow the fact that I gave a "Tampon Angel" as a gift to my secret sister last year came up. After laughing about a few jokes in that regard, I mentioned cloth menstrual pads. At first everyone was laughing hysterically, until they realized that I MEANT it. That *I* used cloth pads, and made my own. Of course I got looked at like I was an alien or something, because they had never heard of it.

I can't blame them. First time I heard of many of the things I do I thought they were strange things too. But I guess the reason I told them was because I keep hoping that someone will want to know WHO I AM. Who I REALLY am. What makes me different. What makes me me. And so I brought it up so they would have another piece to the picture that is me.

And they laughed. And even after I explained it, I'm not sure what they thought. But I know that now I wish I hadn't said anything. Wish I hadn't mentioned my struggle to understand the difference between right and wrong. Wish I hadn't revealed a part of me that is still very vulnerable to criticism.

But I did. It's out there, and I can't take it back. And I hope they don't think I'm a freak now.

I mentioned my struggle with trying to figure out how to justify that the Quiverfull mentality is not right, but most didn't understand what the Quiverfull mentality WAS. (For the record, I've come to the conclusion that I don't feel God anywhere implies that we are not allowed to know and use our reproductive cycle in order to PREVENT or TRY to have kids. If one trusts in God to give children when HE wants them, we are saying that He goes against the natural laws He put into the universe. He allows rape to make a baby, yet that's not His ultimate will. He knows it will happen, but it didn't happen because He wanted it to, but because He allowed nature to take it's course. The same line of reasoning is what the Christian Scientists use to allow disease to consume them, even when there is a known medical cure. If we TRULY trust God, wouldn't we all just let our kids die of something that is curable??? So goes with our fertility. God allows us to learn our cycle for a reason, I believe.)

Anyway, they told me that if I question, then I'm okay. That that means I'm searching for God's Will. But for me it's not enough, and I wish it was. I wish I could glance just ONCE through God's eyes and see the big picture from His vantage point.

I wish I could stop over analyzing everything and everyone. But when I talk to those who can't get past our Western thinking, I feel like I'm overboard. And when I talk with those who adapt to Eastern or other cultural values, I'm too strict with my faith.

So where does God fall? Why is it that the more natural, the more gentle things, the things that seem to make more sense with a loving God and with a perfect earth, are the things that Christians are least likely to do? Where is the middle ground, and how do I find it?

I DON'T want to screw up my kids. I don't. I don't want to turn them into hippies who experiment with things because we should be okay with who we are. But I also don't want them to feel like me. Trapped by unseen rules. Guilty even when innocent. I want them to be proud of who they are, who God made them to be.

But how will they know what that is if I can't even find who God made ME to be?

What is wrong with me?????????????

A Trip Down Memory Lane

2006-02-21T03:06:00.000-05:00

It's 3 AM and I'm still awake. I don't think I've slept yet. So my hope is to put my thoughts down so I can sleep!

I've decided that when I can't come up with anything else to blog about, I'll start posting stories about my past. Memories that are pleasant and make me smile, though also make me sad with nostalgia.

Tonight as we lay in bed to go to sleep, I reminded Boom that there is a picture wedged between our bed and the wall that the kids knocked down several weeks ago. The bed is very heavy (homemade) and can't be moved away from the wall very easily.

He asked me which picture it was, and I told him the one with me with long hair and him in a white tee, and he said, "Oh, the church picture." I knew he'd remember, but it was still nice to hear him say it.

The picture was taken for a directory for the small church we attended while living in Pittsburgh. I remembered the day and the picture being taken. Boom remembered the room we were in. And I started remembering our short time at probably our most favorite, or close to, churches we've ever been in together.

The year was 1996. I had moved to Pittsburgh to go to Pittsburgh Technical Institute for Graphic Design. The term started in October (it went all year so the terms were different from 4-year schools) and I had moved in with my then-best-friend in a little apartment up on Mt. Washington, right next to the old South Hills High School.

My parents and I looked in the phone book under a certain denomination that was similar to the church I grew up in, and we found one that looked promising (only God could have planned it so that the first church I tried I stuck with for 2 years!) What we didn't know is how much work I'd spend just getting there and back.

I didn't have a car until just before I started dating Boom (my parents leased a Saturn for me at that time.) So I had to either walk, ride a bus, or take the "T" where ever I wanted to go.

For church, that meant all three. After I got ready I walked down to the "T" station, and since I knew what time the "T" came, I didn't wait too long. Then I got off at Gateway Center and walked across the street to wait for the bus.

I usually waited around 15 to 20 minutes for the bus. I don't even remember how I did this in the winter! Things seemed so much more milder back then!

Anyway, the only problem I ever had with the bus was when this old Greek Orthodox guy started taking the same bus from the same stop. The first time I met him he was talking to me and wouldn't stop. Casual questions. Not your run-of-the-mill stranger questions. And when a car pulled up to the curb to ask for directions, he literally held my arm very tightly and pulled me back as I tried to talk to the couple. So when I got on the bus, I should have know better, but we all have to learn sometime.

I took a seat next to the window; I loved looking out windows. And wouldn't you know it, the old guy sat next to me. Well, before long even though I kept trying to avoid his talking, he placed a hand on my thigh. This of course made me EXTREMELY uncomfortable, but short of embarrassing myself I didn't know what to do. Thank goodness his stop was not far off, and he got off at a Greek Orthodox church with his Greek Orthodox newspaper, and his Greek Orthodox accent. I hoped that would be the last I'd see of him, but alas, I eventually had to stand on the opposite side of the bus stop until I saw the bus coming, and I never took a window seat again.

When the bus arrived at the street the church was on, another 20 minutes later, I walked about a block to the entrance. I loved walking in because I was enveloped by handshakes and hugs. I loved the friendliness of our church. But more, I loved the worship.

I know it's not everyone's style. And I understand why. But I love the charismatic, Pentecostal type worship that goes on and on. I was so ready for it after a week of being with no Christians at all. (let's face it, when I tried to join a Christian group at school, and the leader of the group was wearing a "Big Johnson" tee-shirt, I knew I wasn't going to fit it...) I opened up and poured out my emotions to God.

And then the sermon. I loved hearing our pastor speak. He was animated, unlike most of the pastors I've enjoyed since. You couldn't fall asleep during his sermon, because you were too interested and he kept his voice alive the whole time. And he used object lesson, the first time I'd seen so many. I love them! The two I remember most are the "priorities in a jar" one, with rocks, pebbles, sand and water fitting into a jar better when you put the big things in your life in first, and when he put a tent of sorts up for one of the Jewish holidays (don't remember which one, I'd have to ask my dad.)

That tent is what makes me want to celebrate the traditional Jewish holidays with my own family someday. At any rate, he always had good sermons and I always went home thinking about them the rest of the day.

After church I didn't get to stay to mingle. I didn't have a watch and I needed to catch the next bus, whenever it came.

Usually that meant later than sooner. If church let out a little early, I'd catch the one bus. But if it let out later, then I'd wait a half hour or more for the next one. It was a very lonely wait. Not a big bus stop. Just a small spot on a normal neighborhood sidewalk on the North Side. (looking back it was odd that I attended a church on the North Side. It was known that many blacks lived in the North Side, and many didn't like white people being there. It also was known as the not-so-good neighborhood of Pittsburgh. I never had a single problem while there...)

On the bus ride back, it was even longer because of a different route. On the way TO church, we went right past the Three Rivers Stadium (oh! how I hated to see that place go!) I saw all the people with their Terrible Towels on game day, and I wanted to be them just once, someday...

On the bus ride back, I saw the homeless on their benches or pushing their grocery cart through town with bare feet. It was depressing in downtown on Sundays. The only places open were McDonald's and Subway type places. It was like a ghost town.

Most Sunday's I went straight home. But one Sunday I met a girl at church from my school, a most unlikely place for meeting this particular girl. She had been waiting for someone, but they never showed, so she rode home with me. We ate at Subway and talked about God a little. I hardly knew her, but here I was eating with her at Subway and talking about church! At home, she lit up a clove cigarette, and I thought that if I ever were the type to smoke, that would be what I'd smoke, since it smelled so good...like some better pipe smoke I've smelled.

But most days I went into the Wood Street "T" station and waited another 15-20 minutes before a "T' came to take me home.

At home I always felt down. My best friend had only attended church with me the first time I went. She wanted to be a Christian, but wasn't ready, she said. She wanted to find a good Christian guy to date, she joined Bible Quizzing. But she wouldn't go to church. So I was alone. I had no one to discuss the sermon with...the thoughts that were in my head. I felt like the only Christian on earth in those moments.

I'd usually relax on the afternoons, enjoying the sunlight coming into our apartment. Oh!, how I miss that! I loved the way the sun poured in and the view of the neighborhood we could see from our back porch on our second story apartment. I miss it terribly at times! I've felt the urge when we have visited the city to drive to that apartment and knock and beg to walk upstairs just one more time. But I don't think I'd handle it too well. I'm tearing up just thinking about it...I miss it...

But this whole routine changed on my first "date" with Boom. I invited him to go with me to Easter Sunday at church if he wanted, since I wouldn't date a non-Christian, and even though he believed in God, I knew he didn't live it and I wanted to show him that church wasn't what he thought it was.

By this time I had the car, so I picked Boom up from the South Side where he lived, and he saw me in a dress for the first time and gave me an Easter basket, my first since I was a little girl. (The large chocolate bunny melted by the time we came out of church :) ) We drove to the church for the first time sine I started attending there, and wouldn't you know it? It was only 10 minutes away! TEN minutes from my house to the church! I had been going there for almost 2 years and had taken an hour or more each way every Sunday...and I was only 10 minutes away by car...

After Boom started attending with me, we got more involved. We joined a couples' small group, and I started teaching a class for 3 and 4 year olds. We even participated in a huge Christmas production called "The Gospel According to Scrooge." It was the best put-together and hardest worked-after play/musical I've seen or been a part of in a church. We put it on for 3 nights in a row two weeks in a row. It was 2 hours and had an intermission. Boom played Marley, and I had a small part because I'm kind of shy :)

It was amazing the difference between the church that I only attended on Sundays because I was a slave to the Public Transportation system, and the church that I attended as much as I was able with a car. I had never even seen the other rooms in the church before. Never met all the other people before. I finally felt at home!

And I still miss it. When we moved the next time we went to the church was a year later when we were in Pittsburgh for a wedding. Our one couple friend had a one-year-old by then, and in general life had gone one without us. It was very hard for me. I hadn't wanted to leave, and in many ways I still miss it so very much that it hurts.

I don't understand why God calls us to certain places sometimes. Why He takes what we hold dear and allows it to be removed from our lives. People lose children, spouses, houses, and more. I lost Pittsburgh.

I know that it's not where God wants me, at least not right now, and maybe not ever. But it will forever be a place that exists in my heart with fondness. There aren't too many bad memories of that city. Most were the most happiest moments of my life. I can still feel them, smell them...though I can't always see them so clearly anymore. Most of all, the pain of leaving is still so strong that I wonder if something is wrong with me.

I am sitting her with tears streaming down my face and my heart aching for things that can never be. And why??? Why can't I find the same happiness here? Why haven't I had fun times and good friends here? Why don't the moments with my children, who are GREAT kids, compare to the moments I had there?

I want to be happy with what I have. I feel ashamed to think that my better memories are before I got married and had kids. What does that say about me? What kind of wife and mother am I?

I sincerely hope it is simply because I was carefree then. Without bills to pay, without diapers to change, without houses to repair and friends to make. I want to make good memories with my family. I try hard to do so. I struggle so much with the feelings of discontentedness. I don't want my family to think that they make me sad...

Which is one reason I practice Attachment Parenting and plan to unschool. I want to make good memories and be connected to my children and for them to remember good things growing up. I enjoy spending time with Boom vs. time without him. I don't feel the need to "get away" from my family....just the need to "get away" in general. I can't wait until vacations are easier with the kids. When they are old enough to enjoy traveling and seeing museums and go hiking without being carried or pushed in a stroller.

And one thing is for sure. They will know Pittsburgh. They will walk on the bridges their parents confessed their love on. They will eat in the places we ate. They will look upon the city that conceived them. For without Pittsburgh, they wouldn't be.

Dinosaurs & Digital Depression

2006-02-10T18:42:00.000-05:00

It seems my daughter has taken an interest in her father's lifelong love of dinosaurs. When Boom was young he was banned from the school library because he always took out dinosaur books all the time. So he took one without borrowing once, and forgot about it. He doesn't know what happened to it, but he does remember studying those books with a passion only the young full of curiosity possess.

And now Pumpkin is in love with The Land Before Time, The Ice Age, and the book Oh My! Oh My! Oh DINOSAURS!. She's loved the book since the beginning, the Land Before Time the first time she saw it. And when just recently she watched The Ice Age, she proceeded to watch it 20 more times that week.

Tonight I was hoping to visit with my BIL and his girlfriend and their new baby, but they wanted some time alone, so I'm alone tonight, as well. Boom is watching a basketball game that "his" boys are playing in (he doesn't go to many at all, so I don't mind.)

But I'm lonely, anyway. I like going to visit people, and I wanted company tonight. They didn't tell me until 5 that they weren't going to get together, so I was hoping all day that we were. Good thing we had a good night last night getting Little Caeser's Pizza (cheapest around, no Papa John's, so we can't be choosy) and watching Survivor (yes, I'm one of THOSE people.)

But I've been depressed for a week or so now. I get sucked into the vacuum of friendlessness and I can't get out. I have kids and a husband who need me all the time, and others who don't need me at all. I pulled too much here, not enough there. I feel worthless.

And to top it off, I can't progress in my ceramic pursuit because it turns out we need an electrical overhaul to get the right amperage in our house, and since it might be pricey we'll probably try to get it with the grant money along with the sewage that's getting put in, but in order to do so we can't do the work until the grant is approved, which won't be until late May at the earliest, which means I probably won't have a kiln working until Summer, at the soonest.

And I could keep making stuff, but the chances of them getting broken are great since I don't have tons of shelf space (though Boom did build me a nice shelf for starters) and I don't want to risk transporting again. So I feel stuck there, too.

On a lighter note, we are way behind technologically in this house. The only reason we have a DVD player is because last Christmas we used a Baby Gift Card for SEARS to buy a DVD player (trust me, he'll appreciate it more than the two outfits we could have bought instead.) But our computer, a hand-me-down from my dad, which is newer than my laptop from college, is so old that we can't download music from the web, I can't get blogging stuff to work with Microsoft Word, and I can't get those programs that organize and upload pics to the web to work right on it. Maybe some of it is other stuff besides the old age of our computer, but I can't tell.

Anyway, tonight I noticed that even my daughter will start noticing our lack of up-to-datedness. I took a picture of the two of them eating at our kitchen counter, using my 35mm camera, the only one I have. After I took the picture, Pumpkin frowns and says, "Mommy, I want to see my picture!"

Now, 20 years ago or so this may have meant a poloroid, and a few years ago this would have been mistaken for a request to see the developed picture instantly, but I know it actually means that most of our friends and family have digital cameras and enjoy showing all the toddlers their own picture that they just took.

So even my three year old knows that we are behind the times, and for her sake, I'll try to change that in the next, oh, decade, or so.

June Cleaver, I Am Not

2006-02-08T22:13:00.000-05:00

Pumpkin discovered an ancient item hiding behind our bathroom door this evening as we were getting ready for bed.

She pointed at it and exclaimed excitedly, "Look! It's a skateboard!"

"No," I said, "it's an ironing board."

"Yes!" She was still breathless, "an ironing board for the ocean!" Which in pre-schooler-speak means "surf board."

I don't even know how she knows what a skateboard or surfboard are (and they say those satellite programs fry their brains) but it's apparent she has NO IDEA what an ironing board is used for.

Which means either we never get any wrinkles in this house, or we don't have expensive enough clothes, or I just don't care. Can you guess which one(s)?

Hobbies & Hankies

2006-01-21T18:57:00.000-05:00

Well, I got to take my bisque out of the kiln while it was still 117 degrees (cool enough to touch by hand, but Oh!, so toasty!) I was very pleased with the results, even thought my elephants had broken ears. It was so cool to see the clay turned white, and nothing else broke that wasn't broken before it went in, which means I at least have SOME technique down. I also got some wax resist, latex resist, and kiln cement from her (along with a face mask the day before.)

I was so excited I showed off my first mug, which I'll keep for myself as a reminder of my journey, and I still liked it the best, to my neighbor and my in-laws at a birthday party last night. The one mug that just had a chipped ear was my second favorite, and perhaps best done technique-wise, so I'll be able to exchange it with the group.

But I am so exited that my ideas that I couldn't have drawn on paper if my life depended on it, and wouldn't have been possible with polymer clay, are not permanently etched in time in a medium that has been around sine the beginning of time. It's an awesome feeling!

I wouldn't mind carving in wood, or stone. But I can't take away from something to reveal the art within. I can only build up to what I see in my head.

But speaking of of wood cutting, Boom braved the garage and went back to his own version of Lincoln Logs today and is still out there finishing them so the kids can have them no later than tomorrow morning. I'm very proud of him, though for the first time somewhat nervous that he's out there. My dad worked with saws all my life, and never once got seriously hurt. (Actually, I don't think he's ever been seriously hurt in any way...) So I never thought to worry. Now that luxury is gone, but I'm glad he's managed to work past it and enjoy himself again.

And, hey, that means I'm this much closer to him building my wheel! I'm not ashamed of ulterior motives!

But our weekend has been sidelined in part because Rugger's come down with a nasty cold that has him clinging to me most of today, and sleeping only in fits the last two night, with last night being so bad that only me holding him helped him at all, which meant no sleep for me. You'd think with co-sleeping that I wouldn't mind holding a child, but in truth I don't like to touch anyone while sleeping and hate it if they are facing me and breathing. Paranoid about breathing in too much CO2. So while I held him and he'd finally fall asleep, I'm doomed to try and lay him down beside me, where he then rolls over to be as close to me, so I slide him over and try to be at his back, and he rolls around again. And this is repeated until the morning when he wakes up crying, and then continues to cry, nurse, and sleep the rest of the day.

At least he ate supper just now, but I dread tonight yet again. This is one of the many reasons I am not planning on more kids any time soon, if ever. I couldn't deal with this and being pregnant, or nursing. As it was, Pumpkin was asking for attention all day and I couldn't help her, and she of course wants ME, not Daddy, just like Rugger does. And there's only ONE me...*sigh*

That's the Way the Clay Crumbles

2006-01-19T22:32:00.000-05:00

Well, I guess every potter experiences disappointment during their never-ending pursuit of clay and it's mesmerizing qualities. But I had hoped that at least my first try would be tested IN the fire, not before.

The Yahoo Groups I'm in (Pottery Basics) decided to do a Mug Exchange, which I was so excited for. I knew my potter friend was going to do a bisque firing soon, and so I started making some mugs right away. I came up with the idea of an African mug with an elephant head with it's trunk as the handle.

So I stated wedging, rolling, cutting, scoring, slipping, smoothing, attaching, wetting, and drying. I trashed 3 mugs before they were even done, and kept 5 altogether (one which probably should have joined the trash heap.)

So for a few days I admired my elephants, proud that they didn't completely resemble a mud heap assembled by a toddler. I would at least be able to give a decent, if not perfect, mug to the exchange.

Of course, there was the kiln issue. Maybe a handle would crack or break off. Or worse. But I didn't let that worry me. I figured they seemed pretty strong and I knew I did most of the work "correctly," so they SHOULD come out of the kiln okay.

But then I had to get them ready to transport over to my friend's house. I took pictures with my neighbors professional digital camera "just in case" and then tried to pack them as gently as I could with bubble wrap. Well, I broke one thing on one of my sculptures, but no biggie. I fixed it, knowing it might not hold but not too concerned, since it was the mugs I really wanted to be perfect.

So I drive over to her house the next day, and as I unpack my mugs, the first one's ear is broke on one side. I hadn't even realized that even gently wrapping them had damaged them. As I unpacked the rest, I kept hoping that at least ONE mug was still intact. It wasn't. They all had damaged ears. I was so down, but my friend just said we could fix it later with epoxy. I didn't want to fix it. Truth be told, if I had the time to fire more, I would. I want good mugs, not broken mugs.

But now I know that greenware is not just fragile when bumped, but fragile in general. It's amazing, actually. You have this piece of bone dry pottery sitting on your shelf. It looks real. It feels real. But it's just a pile of dust shaped into a mug, or sculpture, or something. Add water and you get slush. Drop it and you get a pile of dust. Bump it and it shatters.

It's almost like magic that adding a thousand degrees of heat to this same pile of dust will transform it to a strong piece of pottery.

And yet, mine didn't get a chance to be transformed. They were put to the fire without being fixed. And now I have to decide if I give away a less than perfect mug. (the folks at Pottery Basics are being very kind and say they'd still love one, bless their hearts.)

But it pains me to even give it. I wanted a GOOD mug, not a broken one. I want my own kiln hooked up. And my wheel, while they're at it. Summer can't come soon enough.

Here are the pics of the bone dry greenware the night before disaster. The mugs will turn out white after firing, then I'll underglaze paint them and then add a clear glaze over it.

I just hope that the rest of the firing went well. I'm expecting to find out tomorrow...

Indian Summer Thaws the Emotions

2006-01-11T15:14:00.000-05:00

As I write this, the weather is gorgeous. It feels like Spring and the sun is out. My heart wants to soar. But like many other such days, there are thoughts that snag me and hold me down. Thoughts I'm not even sure are okay, but I don't want to let them go. Not yet, anyway.

I don't know why, but on days like this I find my thoughts straying to Indian Summer days back in the Steel City. I most often recollect my trot down to the "T" station, down the hill, the many steps, and the platform. And other times I recall the jot home - up the hill and stairs, or up the incline and over the hill, past shops and apartments and the old shut down high school...I remember feeling not a care in the world. I was confident, comfortable, and content.
Why do the trees and fields not excite me the way sidewalks and glass windows did? Why do I enjoy the silent glow of city lights and not the empty light of the moon on a clear night? Why do I even long for something I know I cannot have? I have never loved another man, but I cannot help feeling that this is what it must be like...to have loved another once before but know you can never return.

I know that it wouldn't be the same. Even at the end it wasn't the same. I missed downtown, I missed not driving, and I missed walking everywhere. I missed my friends and going to school. And I know I don't want my kids raised in the city...at least, I don't think I do. But many times I think of all the places we could go and all the things we could do that aren't even available here in our rural dwellings.

Some people dream of sipping tea on an old porch swing. I don't mind that, but I'm more of a Starbucks person (if I were the kind who drank tea or coffee.)

And then there's the friendship thing. I'll get into why this came up later, since most days I'm able to push it way down until I forget it's there...

WHY is it I don't have a great Christian friend to do things with? A friend who wants to and sets aside time to get together at least every other week. Who can encourage me in my walk with God, and who actually understands me as a person. I guess I am lucky that Boom is all those things. He is my best friend and so much more, and I'm glad he truly "gets" me. But I want a GIRL friend, a mommy friend. Someone to joke with, cry with, stay up late and talk with. I know that "it's hard when you have little ones." But I don't buy that. I've made efforts - I've made the time, and I've made the phone calls. But I seem to have more time and more desire than anyone else, apparently. Or maybe I'm just boring and desperate, I don't know.

I have friends, per se. But they don't know the whole me. They don't save a place for me at get togethers. They don't call me up just to chat. The don't even invite me over. I mentioned it at a Bible study meeting I just joined, and as we discussed it, I thought, "Don't any of you even realize that I'm begging, pleading, here...and not one of you is volunteering to be a friend to me." They tell me I have to make the effort and that I need more than one friend, etc. Yet not one offered to be another friend to me.

What is it about me? Have I changed that much since becoming a mom that no one wants to be around me? The only mom's I had been friends with until they left me cold and crying with a newborn were women who were always taking from me...my time, my advice, my pity, whatever. They complained about spouses, boyfriends, etc. I listened, I felt better about my lot, but I got no encouragement for myself. Nothing to take home to keep me warm.

I truly want to give to others. It's what I used to do well. But I feel like I've given so much that there isn't anything left. No one's filled MY love tank. My husband can only do so much and hear the same stuff so many times. I get tired of telling him about it over and over. I want someone who can go shopping with me and tell me what looks good on me. I want someone who will go to a movie with me and discuss it afterwards. Someone to go to the park with, someone who trades days doing playgroups at our houses, someone who sees the world in a similar way as I do.
Apparently it's too much to ask.

Anyway, this Bible study is called Apples of Gold, it's by Focus on the Family, and Renewing the Heart, written by Betty Huizenga.

At first I was really excited. It's a class that teaches you how to cook, and incorporates a Bible study, and you learn how to open up your home and be good at hospitality. And since I discovered through a Networking class at our old church in Edinboro that I might have a gift for hospitality (which makes sense being as I love being around people, and I love entertaining) I thought this would be perfect.

Well, we had a good time, until the friend issue was brought up. But there was one thing in the study that didn't jive with me. And after I got home and skimmed through the rest of the book, it looks like many more things won't jive with me.

I don't know if it's because of my tendency of finding fault with things, or if it's something else, but now I'm not looking forward to hearing in the other classes all the stuff I'm not doing "right." With this book, frugality is almost out, looks are VERY important (which just doesn't jive with me), and she puts out the idea that if you don't do things just so, you won't really be honoring God when you entertain people in your home.

So now I'm wondering if A)I DON'T have a gift of hospitality after all, or B) if once again someone is taking an idea from God and adding their own ideas but it makes it sound like God is saying it, if that makes sense.

Similar to the way I see Dobson sometimes. I appreciate his stance on the family and Christian values, but there are so many things that I do as a parent, or don't do, that he basically says are being lenient and even detrimental (his word, not mine) to the development of my children. I disagree, and it angers me that people may think that GOD wants us to raise our children in a certain way, when in truth it's just Dobson.

For example, it's obvious that the author does not do a family bed (or room, as is our case right now) and that's okay, but she talks about how to make the bedroom a sanctuary to retreat to, and to have a lock on the door, etc. Well, our kids are in the bedroom, it's relaxing enough for us, etc. Same with my looks and that of my house. My husband is fine with both, and says so (Yes, I do ask him.) He doesn't mind me wearing sweats, as he wants to wear them at home, as well. He's more affectionate with me in the morning with bed head hair and "kitten" breath as he says, than when I'm all dolled up. Call me lucky, but my point is that I don't think making things look pretty all the time is necessarily a Godly thing. Not a bad thing, by any means, but not necessarily a command, if you will.

Especially with all my Crunchy Mamas and Unschooling ideas....which are SO far from outward looks and neat homes....I'm trying to find what I think is a good balance, and the minute I accept that natural is okay, I read this book and think, "great...so now what do I do?"
They used the example of what if Christ walked into your home...truth be told, I wouldn't buy a toothbrush in case he forgot (it happens.) If I don't have a mirror so he can see the back of his head, I'm sure he'll live. I'll have clean sheets (pretty, maybe not) and a fresh bar of soap. But to be honest, I wouldn't change anything else in my home because I'm pretty sure He'd be more interested in ME than my house.

Maybe I'm wrong (it's been known to happen.) I don't know.

And then I think about the fact that the author got this great calling from God to do this book and class, and I wish that God would speak to me like that. Because I feel that I'm supposed to do SOMETHING with my love for people. And now with clay, I may have found a way.
Similar to what she does, but focused more on the people (she says it's a pampering for the women, but when you feel guilty about how you do things, the pampering seems more like a scam...) I've thought of having a Clay party of some sort (what to call it, I don't know.) Eventually if it got going I'd have to charge for the materials and firing time, but at first I'd do it for free. I'd invite all my friends and let them play in the clay, showing them a few tips. Then they leave their pieces and I fire them. Then they return to paint their pieces, and again I fire them for them.

My idea is that somehow we just let our barriers down and talk. Really talk. About anything and everything, and I make some new friends. And I could actually incorporate a study into it, since it's pottery and the Bible has several verses about God being the potter, us the clay, and you can come up with so many cool allegories from that alone.

But then I wonder if it's just a stupid idea instead of a seed planted. And by criticizing another's obvious success with another similar program, maybe it's just jealousy.

So today I just kept thinking. And wishing. And hoping. And maybe someday I'll sort it all out, or it will all one day come together and be clear. But until then, I collect all my thoughts and store them once again in my mental Hope Chest, to be pulled out on another day such as this. When the warm breezes begin to blow on the parts of my that have grown cold...

Toddler Logic

2006-01-05T18:33:00.000-05:00

Whoever thinks proofs in geometry are hard to figure out, they should try reasoning with a three year old:

At bedtime in our bedroom, tucked in and waiting for both kids to fall asleep. Pumpkin has a sippy cup which I tell her to drink just a little from so she won't have to go pee again...

"Mommy, can I have a drink?"

"Yes, you can have a drink."

Pause.

"Mommy, can I have 'too much'?"

(stifling laugh and a little irritation since it's late) "No, just drink a little bit, then go to sleep."

"I am asleep."

"No you aren't."

"Yes. I am!"

"No, you AREN'T! If you were asleep you wouldn't be talking."

"I'm not."

"Yes. You are."

"No I'm not. "

"Just close your eyes and go to sleep."

"I already did!"

The Accident That Almost Was

2006-01-01T12:50:00.000-05:00

Well, Christmas was good this year, with the exception of too many toys once again. I swear that they have gotten combined 50 to 100 toys this year alone (or last year, as it's officially 2006 now!)

Anyway, we had a good break, good visit with my family etc. And things WERE going great on our return, until Boom decided to tempt fate...

Boom was excited about being in his barn/garage thing out back, with a fire in the old stove and music on, happily trying to carve out some of his own version of Lincoln Logs since the kids got some for Christmas. After a few prototypes, he brought in his first perfect pieces, smiling like a school boy. I went back to my cleaning and rotating of toys hoping to get rid of a least a FEW...

Next thing I know I hear Boom screaming outside (I was upstairs and could still hear him from the closed windows up there.) I immediately thought of the table saw and my heart stopped and my stomach churned. I flew down the stairs where Boom was still yelling in agony and I asked what happened. All he could say was, "Help me!"

Now, I don't know how you are in emergency type situations, but I am as good a a lump of jello, only I don't even taste good. I basically panic, cry, and freeze up. So I asked him what I was supposed to do, was it a "911" type of thing, etc. He just kept groaning and holding his hand in the sink, which I wasn't about to go near.

Eventually he was able to get out that he needed something to wrap his hand in (I know, I know, how could I not know?!?!?) and luckily I could tell there wasn't much blood. But what I wouldn't have given to have something to help with the pain. A shot, a pill, SOMETHING. I thought that if only he were in labor I could help him breath, and how much more obvious to me it was that labor pain is not REAL pain in the sense of something being wrong...

Anyway, he confessed that he thought he lost his fingers, and wasn't even sure until he looked in the sink himself. He had shut the saw and radio off and run into the house. Luckily, his fingers were all there, though how bad we weren't really sure.

We wrapped them and to cut a long story short, he eventually went to the ER that night to make sure that he was getting it clean and wrapping it right. They couldn't do anything for him since the skin was just tore up pretty deep, but they cleaned it and gave him a script for antibiotics and a bad shot of antibiotics. So at least hopefully we won't have to worry about infection. I usually don't care for antibiotics, but in this case I didn't mind. Two of his fingers may never look the same again, but they are there, and for that we are thankful.

We were both shook up pretty bad, and Boom will be wary the first few times he uses anything sharp again, but we are glad for what DIDN'T happen.

So, we now look forward to a New Year full of possibilities, uncertainties, adventures, and probably a few tears. We are thankful for the blessings of God so apparent in our daily lives, and we are content. I don't know what this year will bring, but I pray that God will give us what we need through both the ups and the downs, and that we may learn ever more to depend on Him and show those around us the LOVE of Christ, and that we may ourselves be free from the guilt that binds so that we don't place guilt on others.

A Happy New Year to you and yours, as well.

The Ghosts of Christmas...and other musings

2005-12-21T09:30:00.000-05:00

Well, I know I haven't posted in awhile. I guess I figure my life is too boring to share with the world right now, though I will update you all (you all being the very small number who might actually be reading this.)

Thanksgiving was okay, but more depressing than normal. I was so hoping that now that there are two other babies at the family gathering (my sister didn't come since my nephew was only a few days old) I would feel more at ease with my own. But instead, I just felt the stark difference once again between my style of parenting and "everyone else's."

I was the only one who nursed my child, and he was 15 mo., their babies were 5 mo. old. As they talked about sleeping through the night or working on it, I mentioned that I STILL nurse my son every 3 hours at night, and got blank stares.

After the birth of my nephew (long story but I was emotionally down after that as well because of the differences in my choices vs. my sisters...not bad, just different, but I felt defeated) I was already feeling low, but after Thanksgiving I felt totally down. I cried for a whole day just wishing that for once in my life I wasn't "different" from everyone around me.

Ever since I was little I just wanted to fit in, be in the "in" crowd. But I never compromised WHO I was to do so (thank goodness!) However, it doesn't hurt any less now that I know I'm making the right choices for my family. I still want to belong to the majority, and I don't. Period.

But this last week I felt good. I had our reading club on Monday and got to chat and laugh. On Friday we did a small neighborhood (3 houses and one other neighbor) Progressive Dinner. I had a lot of fun with that! I was the Salads and the first stop, and we talked and talked that night! The kids had a blast as well. Pumpkin just plays right along with all her little friends now. She is SO social now! I love it!

I also went to see my one friend on Thursday last week, and I had fun. Though of course it was one of those days that you aren't supposed to drive unless you NEED to, so by the time I left for home, I was driving 30 mph on a 55 road, and cars were probably swearing behind me. But I CAN'T drive in winter! Sorry!

Pumpkin did two small songs with her preschool class at church, and was so cute. I was in a small skit before Thanksgiving, which I enjoyed, though I was sad because no one sat with us at the dinner, like usual. I just want a couple of REAL friends...is that all to ask? A couple of people who make an EFFORT to be with us, to talk to us, to keep in touch with us.

I don't have anyone who fits that description in my life right now, save the one friend I saw on Thursday, and there are issues with them not really understanding the Christian life since they didn't come from that kind of background and aren't with other believers ever to learn. So she is a great friend, but can't encourage me in my walk with God, yet.

Anyway, the rest of my life is same old, same old. Kids do cute stuff. I clean house. I play with clay but can't fire it because I don't have my kiln hooked up yet and am waiting to build the wheel because there's nowhere to put it yet.

On the positive side, I made Christmas cut out cookies a couple of days ago. I looked all day for a recipe that was hard and crunchy, like bakeries sell, but no such luck. I thought that Pumpkin's Cubbie's leader might have a recipe, since they frosted cookies in her class that were those crisp bakery cookies, but it turns out she bought the dough....from a bakery! So if anyone out there has a recipe for those crisp, hard bakery sugar cookies, PLEASE send them my way!

And now on to the reason for the title of this post (see, I got ya!)

Yesterday when Boom got to school, there were gifts waiting for him in front of another teacher's classroom (he thinks the gift-giver didn't' know which room was his.) There were three gifts, one marked from "The Ghost of Christmas Past" which had an expensive book called "What If" (collected version, where "Eminent Historians Imagine What Might Have Happened.") A second gift from "The Ghost of Christmas Present" included the Life Books "The War In Iraq." and the third gift from "The Ghost of Christmas Future" contained some thin mints, orange cream thin mints, peanut brittle, and "reindeer corn" (candy corn with Christmas colors.)

Boom thinks that it might have been his old History teacher that left the gift, based on the choice of books and lack of knowing where his room was. He thinks the football boosters wouldn't have left History stuff, but football stuff. So, we aren't really sure who it was. But I wish we could get together with his old history teacher. I loved talking to his wife. They are a neat couple. I wish I could say the same for their sons, but alas, I only knew Boom's best friend since we've been together, and most of his good memories with him happened before.

So that's my life in the last two months in a nut shell. Hope you sort of enjoyed it. I did.

I'm An Aunt!

2005-11-22T20:32:00.000-05:00

My Nephew was born on November 21 at 12:17 PM weighing 8 lbs. 4 oz. and measuring 20 1/4 in. long.

Congratulations Sis and BIL!!!

She went in on Sunday night to get induced (peri didn't want to go past the due date) and they broke her water Monday morning. Shortly after she got the epidural and quickly went from 4-5 cm. to complete. After only 10 minutes pushing, her much wanted baby boy was here!

The mass in his chest is measuring small enough that he won't need surgery until around 6-12 months, so that is an answer to prayer as well.

Potter's Hands

2005-11-11T12:45:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I was on Cone 9...er, I mean, Cloud Nine!

I have been e-mailing a potter who lives not even 10 miles away from me ever since I found her gallery of sorts on the internet. She has been the biggest encouragement, with real tips and hope and not once making me feel I was in over my head.

Turns out, she started just like me, in a way. She is 67 now, and only starting working with clay 8 years ago. She didn't attend classes, she had no one to teach her. She read and researched and just dove in. After hours, weeks, and months of frustration, she finally got the hang of the potter's wheel and now she even makes her own glazes when she has the time and energy to work (she has polio and also does the accounting for her and her hubby's business.)

Well, she offered to let me visit her and yesterday I spent about 3 hours with her. I got to hear stories of how she began, she showed me her work, and she even showed me how to work the wheel.

Then, she let ME try my own two hands at it...after centering it for me. I push the clay in and out and she said she honestly thought I had a natural talent for it...she hadn't been able to get her own grown kids or grandkids to do as well the first time...she said I must be a pro in disguise ;)

This might sound like she was just flattering me, but in talking to her I know she respects honesty, so though I may not be pro, I hope I DO have a knack for it! She also could tell that I knew a lot from my reading and that I'm not like some who THINK they want to work with clay but only really want easy answers on how to get from here to there...

And then I found out she is a Christian! And we've had two more e-mails just today with regards to talking about God!

So I have found a friend and a mentor, and I hope we can get together more. And, I have discovered that I like the idea of the potter's wheel more than I thought I would (it doesn't hurt to have someone tell you that you might be good at it!) But I loved the feel of the clay spinning within my hands, and a picture came to me...

As I was thinking one again about the fact that we are living Jars of Clay sculpted by the Father's hand, I pictured God at the potter's wheel, with me as the lump of clay He was shaping, and I realized that when you shape a pot, you literally are hugging it much of the time, to re-center or push in the shape. You alternate between drawing the clay out and hugging it, or at least, in my beginning pursuit of it, I did so.

But I thought that that was such a neat picture, that while God is shaping me, He is cupping me within His palms, gently forming me to be what He wants. I can't wait to see what other pictures I get the more I study scripture and pottery. I think maybe this will bring me closer to God than just me reading the Bible...I'm a very visual person, and maybe this is another way God is choosing to speak to me. I sure hope so.

I also will be thrilled that if and when I get a wheel and make pots, the "pottery" part of Mud Puppy Pottery won't be a misnomer after all...

That'll Do, Pig. That'll Do.

2005-11-08T16:52:00.000-05:00

I've only seen the movie "Babe" twice, and both times I cried at the end. For those who haven't seen the movie, the next paragraph is a definite spoiler.

After Babe steps into the arena to round up the sheep, he is met with jeering crowds, doubtful judges, and a hopeful farmer. After all, the farmer himself has a few skeptics wondering if he's lost his mind. But no matter, Babe learns the secret sheep code and gently herds them to the proper places, and as the crowd is silenced and the judges amazed, the farmer says very quietly to Babe, "That'll do, Pig. That'll do."

And that's where I cry. That simple statement is more than an affirmation. He may not have jumped for joy or screamed in victory, but he is satisfied, and in his quiet way he says all that he needs to. He is proud that the pig has done what he knew he could do, and he doesn't need to puff up the pig with big words...the simple confident thanks is enough.

********

Sunday at church we were singing during worship, and a familiar voice began to gnaw at my mind. These songs aren't that exciting. They definitely aren't all that new. They aren't vineyard music. I wish we had more contemporary stuff. I wish we had our old church. I wish I could have the church I grew up in stay the way it was with my Dad playing trombone and me being happy. I wish, I wish, I wish....

And I realized a few things. One, of course is that not much worshipping is being done while I'm being critical. And the second is that I have no real need to be critical. And I'm tired of it. And third, I don't want my kids to be subject to the Sunday weekly criticism that I endured growing up, and is probably the very reason I'm so critical of everything myself.

If it wasn't the preaching, it was the music. If it wasn't the music, it was the Sunday School. If it wasn't the Sunday School, it was the teacher. There was always something. My mother didn't mean to be this way, I am sure. But she was. And it wasn't just at church. My father had more faults than good traits, and I remember many times when the effort I'd put forth in cleaning or something was not quite "good enough."

And now I'm the same way. Boom can help out and I'll find ways to nit pick. There will be no reason to find fault with him, but apparently I'm not content until I do. Lack of self confidence on my behalf? I'm not sure, but I'm beginning to get tired of it. And on church on Sunday, I decided to stop my bitterness and enjoy the fellowship of believers and worship with my heart.

Kind of like the song, "I'm coming back to the heart of worship, and it's all about YOU...." I know that there is no perfect church. But I like that we have many families coming together in one place for one purpose. We are all imperfect, and to expect a perfect church to come about from imperfect people is ridiculous. I know many people end up meeting with just their own family, but truthfully, we aren't all perfect, either, and I'd rather deal with the imperfections of a large group of people and make friends and be encouraged, than to be safe with my own family, but lonely and eventually encounter our own problems.

So I need to quit being cantankerous. And yet outside of church I find that the lifestyle I have adopted tends to also be critical of others. Whether in self defense or in judgment, I'm not sure. Or maybe in the defense of those innocents that are lied to by the majority.

Either way, I find myself criticizing hospital births, those who let their child cry it out for days, those who trust doctors without even researching on their own. And I get frustrated. I get frustrated because I don't see how anyone can let a child cry for hours, wanting only to be held, and only for the reason that this child should learn to "self-sooth." I get frustrated that people trust doctors who induce for no reason, then thank that same doctor for saving their baby's life because of all the complications that ensued, not realizing that had they waited for the baby to come on it's own there might not have BEEN any complications in the first place. And I'm REALLY frustrated with doctors who tell mothers that their breast milk is not sufficient and they need to supplement with formula.

And yet I'm trapped by my own critical-ness. I don't vaccinate. And so there are people who don't understand why I don't let my children's bodies fight their own diseases. (for what it's worth, I knew a lady growing up who had polio because her parents didn't vaccinate, and I could not do that to my children. I DID do research on both sides, and this is what I've chosen.) I was actually planning to circumcise, before I had Pumpkin. I still don't think it's horrible (after all, since God had his "chosen" people circumcised, I don't think He would mutilate them or cause them to experience less pleasurable sex, since He created it, after all.) But then I changed my mind because there wasn't enough to convince me to go through with it.

And so I know that each choice one makes is THEIR decision, and yet I remain critical, skeptical, at times bitter. And for what?

*******

And then I thought about how I think of God. I picture Him often to be critical of ME. That He is always disappointed and thinking that I'm not "good enough." That no matter how hard I try, I will never add up.

Oh, I know there's the whole "grace" thing...but I don't actually GET IT, not completely. I mean, I understand what it means and how it's supposed to "work." But I don't live like I believe it. I still fear the repercussions of the mistakes and bad decisions I make. If I feed my kids fruit that isn't organic or even washed...will there be a mark against me? I knew better...I had no excuse (beside low funds), and I'm supposed to be the best parent I can be...so does that count?

I'd like to think, sometimes, that God is like that farmer in Babe. That He believes in me and that He is proud of me. And though I'm not perfect, and I know good works and intentions don't "earn" you anything, that maybe He will see my heart and know that at least I TRIED to do my best, as I knew how, with what I had.

I think that even though it would be wonderful to hear my Father utter the words, "Well done good and faithful servant," I'd be just as happy to hear him say quietly, "That'll do, Prism. That'll do."

My First Trick-Or-Treat

2005-10-31T21:23:00.000-05:00

Well, obviously I've lived through Trick or Treating's throughout my lifetime. But I've never participated in one until now.

I was raised without Trick or Treating for two reasons: we lived in a rural area where kids didn't come to your house even if you wanted them to, and we didn't believe in celebrating Holloween because of it's pretense of Evil.

So this is the first time I've gone door to doorstep and asked for candy. Well, actually, Pumpkin asked for candy. But I took her!

Last year I sat at our doorway waiting for the first costumed child to walk up our porch steps. And when it was 2 minutes past 7:00 I panicked and began to cry because no one could tell our porch light was on since it was still light out. But only seconds later I nervously handed our first patron their prized sweets. And we were out of our two bags of Snickers 10 minutes later (turns out over 500 kids showed up last year here - out neighbors across the street go ALL OUT for Halloween and draw quite a crowd.)

Anyway, this year Pumpkin had seen enough on cartoons and TV to know the gist of it, and she's so not shy anymore!, that I knew I wanted to take her. Rugger stayed home with Boom to pass out candy since he wouldn't get into it and he's running a fever right now.

Anyway, we put the bunny suit that her Grandma (MIL) got her last year, and I even painted her face white with a pink nose (she like the nose) and black whiskers. She smeared it twice before we even left the house, but it was worth it anyway.

As we walked from house to house, I felt sort of shy and new at the same time. Everyone commented on my little bunny and how cute she was. She was great at saying "Trick or Treat" and "Thank You." And half and hour later she was ready to go home ;) Little feet can only walk so far, it seems. If she had had her cousin running around with her, it might have been a different story, but his grandparents are in Warren, and so he wasn't with us.

I also felt a bit guilty. Part of me knows there are Christians who are very much against Trick or Treating. I used to be one of them. I'm still not completely sure what is okay or not. But I like the idea of dressing up, and getting candy isn't so bad, either. I know there are evil roots behind the tradition, and I'm still not into the ghouls or goblins, witches or ghosts, corpses and blood.

But I felt like tonight I took part in a tradition that most Americans have been celebrating for generations. I felt part of our neighborhood. I relished sitting on the porch with our Jack-O-Lanterns lit and Boom's students coming to say "hi." I enjoyed seeing neighbors and strangers all being polite and smiling at each other's costumes.

I had fun. And for me, tonight, that's all that matters.

My Pumpkin Princess

2005-10-26T22:43:00.000-04:00

Well, she turned three on Monday. And she's been talking about birthdays in general for so long that I'm not sure she knows exactly WHEN she turned three, or that after this week it's not her birthday or anyone else's for quite awhile. But at least this year she knew to look forward to it. And I hope her party on Saturday goes well. I got her balloons and noise makers because to her that means party, and it's the first she'll have had them (the noise makers, that is.)

Tonight at Cubbies she got a little present. They were generic My Little Ponies, and when I asked her is she had gotten "My Little Ponies" she replied, "No!, Their MY little ponies!" Ah, yes. Three and not willing to share. Which means poor Rugger is getting shoved quite a lot lately.

Speaking of which, the little cuddle has apparently been attending "Tantrum Throwing 101" because he's gotten very good at it. I knew he would months ago when he used to put his head to the ground and pout if he didn't get his way. Now he resembles more of an angry bull...

And he has yet to say a word. I'm beginning to wonder if he'll be the type to spout a whole sentence when he DOES talk...

Pumpkin is also very into the imagining and role playing thing. I've been "Pumpkin" all week and she's been "Mommy." She pretends her animals are in distress like on Go Diego and rescues them. And she names her baby doll (which is clothed in pink) baby "Joey." She insists he's a baby boy. Before I gave her the doll for her birthday, she had been on a kick with her "baby froggy." A little bath toy which she would put under her shirt and proclaim to be having a baby, then pull out and he is born. She wrapped him in a washcloth and kept good care of him.

Right now I am so enjoying them. Rugger is getting into more things than I can think to find since I can't imagine why he's want to get into them, and Pumpkin surprises me daily with new things she learns. Tomorrow I'm taking her skating for the first time with the local homeschoolers group. I hope to meet some people and make some friends. But it will be hard to keep quiet about my plans to unschool, since I know people say, "Don't label yourself," and "don't talk about methods." But I'm so excited about unschooling...Oh, well.

I found a lady here in Jamestown (well, not HERE, of course, but close enough that it might as well be) who does clay and is on CLAYART, which is where I found her gallery. We haven't met in person, yet, but she's been VERY helpful in her e-mails and I hope I can learn much from her. I can't wait until football is over and I can think about getting the garage wired and fire up the kiln. Of course, inevitably, I will shatter a few pieces (she said everybody does throughout their career) but I'm hoping SOMETHING makes it through the whole process. Then I can get started on making gifts for family and friends! What better excuse than that to do what you love!

And I have a confession to make. I didn't think I'd care that much, but I'm hooked on Sudoku...are you? My family gave me some sheets and I can't help it...I love it.

Tad Bit Jealous

2005-10-19T14:12:00.000-04:00

Okay, so my feelings aren't all that stellar lately!

But, I was watching That's Clever on HGTV today and saw a man who (with his son) makes these flea characters out of metal. He welds them and such. It was so neat! So I checked out his website, and I SO want, like, half of his stuff! You can catch them here.

I want the trombone player for my dad (mustache and all), the football scene for Boom, the pottery guy for myself some day (if I ever do get it going and get a wheel,) and I can think of one for just about everybody I know, almost!

And I just wish that I could do something this cool and enjoy it and have others enjoy it and make some money, too.

But as it is, I can't even seem to figure out my clay. I don't know if it's too wet, dry, or what. I get very frustrated sometimes because I keep feeling like I should be good at SOMEthing, and yet I never feel like I "find" it. Boom has football, my MIL does gardening, my Mom is good at housekeeping and cooking, my sister is becoming a writer, and I...I just keep trying.

*sigh*

But at least I won't give up. Not yet. I still have faith that I can make the clay work. I just have to figure it out. I will search for a workshop or something, but I'll get there.

If there's a "flea" on that website that describes you, let me know in the comments!

Feeling Cheated

2005-10-18T22:19:00.000-04:00

Well, no Nemo for me, at least for now. About a month ago I bought (at least I thought) the Finding Nemo DVD for Pumpkin on ebay. It was a money order or check only, but I didn't mind because they had 100% postitive feedback. And they had to wait 10 days for check to clear. So I wait but 3 days after I send my check I see that their user ID is no longer registered. I e-mail them and they tell me it's a mistake and they are trying to clear it up. NOPE. My check was cashed, but no DVD. And ebay won't refund because it's under the $25 limit.

All I can say about the guys who pulled this one on me (and I suspect others...there were many movies for sale when I "bought" mine) is: JERKS!!!

On another note, I'm hoping I started my period soon. I actually took a HPT today because I had bad cramps Friday night, then nothing until today. I was worried they might have been implanting cramps, but the test says no...thought I'm still waiting for AF. I don't want to be pregnant right now...I've been waiting 21 months for this month to come and go and me not be pregnant...I can't do that close of an age gap again...let alone the extra bed and van and everything else we'd have to adjust to...

So I'm hoping these cramps move into something more serious by tomorrow...

At Least Something Works - And I'M "IT" !!!

2005-10-13T23:37:00.000-04:00

Well, I've been tagged. Thank you, TD!

But, I didn't think Blogger copied text, or at least it didn't the last time I tried. So I tried downloading the Blogger for Word, and wouldn't you know it can't find the path (I'm assuming to my internet connection.) Same as Mozilla Firefox...it just keeps searching for the page and times out. I can't even set it to my connection like I do in IE...and I get so frustrated with technology. If you don't have the latest or the greatest, or understand how to program yourself, you are basically, pardon me, screwed.

Anyway, I really wanted to do this tag, it's my first *blush*, but I couldn't stand the thought of typing it all down, so I tried by chance to copy and paste...and wonder of all wonders, it worked! Though I have to do some formatting...it's all there. So, here goes:

First the rules:Remove the blog at #1 from the following list and bump every one up one place; add your blog's name in the #5 spot; link to each of the other blogs for the desired cross pollination effect.

1. Blue Stocking: http://bluestocking.typepad.com
1. Simply Coll: http://colleenscorner.com/blog
3. My Boutiful Life: http://billi-jean.com/thebounty.html
4. Today's Lessons: http://todayslessons.blogspot.com
5. The Thought Train: http://thethoughttrain.blogspot.com

Next: select four new friends to add to the pollen count. (No one is obligated to participate and anyone can play if they want to).

Umm...to be honest, I don't have any blogging friends that I know besides the one who tagged me. I've visited other blogs, but I couldn't do this unless I knew the blogger better. So get to know me, already!

were you doing 10 years ago?
1995 I was a Senior in High School. That summer I had spent a week at the Art Institute of Pittsburgh (AIP) and also visited the Pittsburgh technical Institute (where I actually attended.) I was a colorguard in my marching band and a valedictorian, though I turned down the offer to speak at graduation since I had only been at the school for 4 years and I don't like public speaking. (though I will do plays)

What were you doing 5 years ago?
2000 I had been married for a year and a half and we decided to send Boom back to school to become the teacher and coach he had always wanted. I was commuting an hour to work, so the moved benefited us by making it only 20 minutes. We watched Anne of Green Gables and Anne of Avonlee over New Year's while we were sick with a stomach bug that lasted about a week. Thank goodness for the holidays or we would have missed more than one day of work! We were too sick and tired to care if Y2K actually happened, but figured we have a field, land, and can hunt for food. Our own natural gas well, and a generator...we were set. Thanks goodness we didn't spend time making gallons of bleached water!

What were you doing one year ago?
2004 I had just had my second homebirth with was a wonderful, serene waterbirth that I wish I could re-live over and over except the last hour and a half, until he came out, I'd also relive that. Then we moved into our new house and Boom started his new job as a teacher and head football coach of the local high school (the one he graduated from.) I was basically depressed, lonely, and stressed. My almost 2 yr. old didn't cope with all the changes well, and I couldn't even help like I wanted since I had a newborn to attend to. And all the boxes to unpack since Boom couldn't be home much, and all the furniture to move even though I was warned to take it easy. Basically, I was counting down to Christmas when Boom would be home for almost 2 weeks. And Rugger would be old enough to sit for 10 minutes or maybe even 20 while I baked cookies for the first time since he was born.

What were you doing yesterday?
The 12th Yesterday I was moving again, within my house. I moved boxes and crafts and craft supplies upstairs to the now toyroom. I moved clothes and clothes and more clothes downstairs to our current bedroom. This took me 3 hours. I made lunch but did the dishes while the water boiled for the macaroni (boxed version...first time in over a year for me, usually do the whole wheat pasta and velveta type cheese and milk.) Then I typed up the games for Awana and after Rugger woke from his nap, went back to sorting clothes and putting stuff in it's new spots. By the time I was done and had given the kids a bath and taken a shower it was 6 hours total. A long day. Which is why I did nothing today. Except rake the leaves in the front yard and play in them...first time I've raked leaves in my own yard! I loved it! We didn't have trees near the trailer.

5 snacks you enjoy
Chocolate Chip Cookies (though just about any cookies will do.)
Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream (though any ice cream will do.)
Fruit with that awesome Cream Cheese & Whip Cream Fruit Dip
Chips & Dip (never ever buy it, don't hardly ever have it, because I'd eat it all. I'm not a chip person, unless there's dip!)
Candy Bars (Especially Nutrageous by Recees)

5 songs you know all the words to
Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star
Jesus Loves Me
The Star Spangled Banner
Praise Adonai
(I used to know a ton of songs by Audio Adrenaline, Newsboys, D.C. Talk, Carmen, Michael W. Smith, etc. Don't listen enough now...)

5 things you would do if you had a million dollars
Pay off the house and pay my parents back for helping us so much over the last 6 years
Save it for the kids when they need it (college or otherwise)
Give more to charities
Find the perfect land and buy it, then build the perfect house
Buy two new vehicles that are more spacious and versatile than the ones we currently have and which would be dependable for years to come

5 things you like doing
Talking
Reading
Meeting new people
Trying new things
Traveling to new places

5 bad habits
Talking too much and too loud
Yelling at my kids
Not getting into the Word or Praying everyday
Interrupting conversations
Forgetting things

5 things you would never wear again
Makeup (unless for a play or something, not for myself)
Pegged Pants
Banana Clips in my hair
Braces
Diapers (hopefully!)

5 favorite toys
Slinky
Hi-Bounce Balls
Mechanical Puzzles (ie. Rubik's Cube)
Glow-In-The-Dark and Light Up toys
Devil Sticks

Winter is on it's Way

2005-10-13T00:35:00.000-04:00

The experts are saying that this is one of the most beautiful Autumn seasons ever, and it peaks this very weekend around these northern parts. Which means this week has been a lovely mix of reds, oranges, yellows, greens, and even purples. Add to it the dreary weather and it's been a pretty nice fall week overall.

But that means that winter is right around the corner. The Sugar Maples will loose their beautiful clothes and get tapped once again for their sweet sap. (I didn't know it eventually kills them until Boom told me...now I feel bad for the trees, and this town as most of the trees are the same age and starting to die in parts.)

And now with the double hurricanes the gas prices are expected to be 50% higher than normal. Not that I'm complaining. I'd rather have to pay higher prices to HEAT my home, than to LOSE my home altogether. But at the same time, we are doing what we can to keep costs down.

Which this week meant moving the upstairs downstairs. Namely, the room we all slept in upstairs is now in the toyroom, and the toyroom is now upstairs. (We all sleep in the same room.)

This may not sound like much, but it took a good 3 hours Saturday afternoon just moving the furniture, with my in-laws' help (grandma watched the kids, especially Rugger who wanted to go up and down, up and down with us...and grandpa helped Boom with the bigger stuff.) Then it took all of Sunday afternoon to rearrange the toyroom and find a place for everything. Then on Monday I didn't get to do anything, and yesterday I didn't get to it, so today I finally spent six hours taking the craft stuff in the big closet upstairs and bringing all the clothes and towels down from upstairs. I made countless trips, and found a place for everything in the end. I even cleaned the showerhead downstairs so I can enjoy a shower in it (either it's been bad since we moved in or Boom never noticed the diminishing spray.) All I did was took an old toothbrush and attempt to scrub it thinking it might be calcium build-up. Thank goodness we have calcium here and not iron...iron never comes off easy.

Anyway, I haven't been blogging because I tend to do things in "fads." I get on a roll, then I take a break, etc. I have had not much to talk about, and too much. Here's a summary:

I now enjoy Phantom of the Opera music after renting the DVD from the library. I want the real CD from 1986 now. Never knew it was so good. Read the book 5 years ago and liked it, but never heard the music. Don't know why.

Joined a class for 20 some things on Sunday mornings, and right now it's about decision making with a book called The Best Question Ever by Andy Stanley. Seems good so far.

Been proud of Pumpkin as she is SO social with her peers now, though shy initially. She loves her preschool class at church and Cubbies on Wednesday. She plays happily with the kids of the moms I occasionally get together with (a few in the last two weeks...when I get with people, it seems to be in lumps, and then a dry spell.)

I am so excited about unschooling. I love the book Christian Unschooling by Teri Brown and wish their website was still up. I talked with the lady in charge of our local homeschooling chapter, and unfortunately she isn't into the unschooling thing at all, so she directed me in all the wrong directions as far as how I need to comply to the law (I found a great forum at Yahoo for PA unschoolers.) It just fits with the rest of my parenting.

In light of the unschooling thoughts, I pondered once again that the choices I have made since being a parent have been the ones most difficult to travel. Little support. Much skepticism. And doubts as to the real reason I'm doing it. At least I have a stubborn streak to keep with it.

Speaking of stubborn, we went to a corn maze in Ohio (first I've been to one) and though my kids were falling asleep I kept up and got us through it. We were supposed to get a prize for collecting verses to a song and singing it at the store, but all we got was ONE apple. Bummer. At least the price was discounted since it was during the day...