Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Apples, Oranges, Grapes & Pears

Once again I find myself caught in the endless trap of trying to be prefectly okay with who I am and where I am in life, and instead comparing myself to others and what they have.

I feel like the school girl I used to be: on the outside of the immature cliques based on hair types or fashionable tee-shirts or other pointless subjects, and me on the outside desperately wanting to fit in.

And yet, even then, I didn't want what they HAD to be a part of the group; I just wanted to be accepted AS I WAS.

As so it's been every since.

My parents did a good job making me feel proud of who I was, despite the fact that they couldn't quite convince me that I was beautiful (Daddy's will always think their little girls are beautiful, just as husbands will always think their wives are beautiful...until ALL men and women think I'm beautiful, I will simply think that my Dad and Hubby are slightly blind...)

But overall, I was okay with who I was as a person. I wasn't fat, nor skinny. I was smart, could be funny, and I consider myself an optimist though I also always consider the worst so that anything that DOES happen is automatically better than the worst.

I didn't WHERE I was going to be in the future, but it didn't bother me. I didn't lie up late at night wondering IF I'd get that job, or WHEN I'd meet that special someone. It would happen SOMEDAY, I believed. In fact, I had that word written in glow-in-the-dark paint on my mirror in my bedroom, and I never once doubted it.

So here I am, with many of my "someday"s already here. I have a great husband, wonderful kids, and I did get to work in my field, though definitely not at my "perfect" job idea.

And yet I find myself SOMETIMES more unhappy than ever before. Mainly because there's so much more riding on the issue than just me. It's my kids' futures at stake.

And so most days (and nights) I'm okay with homebirthing, co-sleeping (and waking up every hour sometimes to nurse), and cloth diapering, and extended nursing, and holding my babies, and homeschooling. Most days I'm okay staying at home and not going on vacations, or out to eat, or buying lots of stuff I would love to have.

But some days, I just want to fit in. Some times I see other moms and wish I was more like them. Even though I wouldn't like to do what they are doing, they seem happy with it, and I think maybe I'd be happier if I did it, too. Though I know I wouldn't be.

Or I feel odd when I'm the only one in the area who co-sleeps and nurses all night long, or walks all four of my kids at once because I'd rather be with them most of the time than without. I know there are groups of women just like me on-line. And thank goodness, or I'd REALLY feel lost. Just knowing they are there and can respond to a post on a forum of crunchy mothers makes me feel not-so-insane again.

But still, I sometimes feel like I'm not in the "in" crowd.

I still don't have a "best" friend. My sister-in-law (sort-of) and my neighbor are about the closest thing to it, and if I had the time, maybe they'd get deeper than they are. And perhaps, if I'm lucky, as time goes on, they WILL get deeper and BECOME that sort of "once in a lifetime" best friend. The one who knows all about you and GETS you. They know what makes you tick and what ticks you off.

It was really very telling when we moved to this house and women were surprised by my art folders. They had no idea I had gone to school for graphic design...after 2 years of knowing me. And yet my neighbor knows me well enough to have brought over a cupcake with fondant sculpted to look like a baby with a blanket and pillow, because she figured I'd like it.

Now THAT's friendship. I only hope I can return the favor sometime, because it meant the world to me that day.

And yet I'm so stuck up on myself and pitying myself that I DON'T think about what I can do for others. I don't even know HOW I'd do anything for lack of keeping myself together lately. I hope it will come in time - this focusing on others more than myself again. I want to share with people and GIVE, not just take.

I want to volunteer and make a difference, and in the process realize how truly blessed I am, because I KNOW I am, I just don't always FEEL I am.

And that's the key. I KNOW I'm okay the way I am and the choices I've made are good ones. I believe in them and they'll work for US. But yet I still find I look outward and compare the choices others have made for THEIR families, and I doubt.

Why can't I accept that what's best for ME and US isn't best for others, and what's best for them isn't okay for us, and that THAT'S OKAY. It really is.

Some people like the color blue, others red, and still others green or yellow or periwinkle. But none of those colors are BETTER or BEST or BAD. And yet I feel that if I don't agree with SOMEONE, then I'm not "cool" or acceptable.

I want to feel connected to others. Some have family to back them up. Others have their history in this area. I have nothing save my own 5 family members here to agree with me. And so I seek outward approval, though logically I know I don't need it.

I feel smug, I admit, when people comment on the twins or me walking with all four kids, because I feel important, set apart. And yet ironically, at the same time, I wish I WASN'T different, but just normal. I can't seem to win.

I dream daily, sometimes hourly, about working in clay. But not just playing in it. I hope, I dream, I pray, that someday, somehow, I'll make enough money with it to at least support my habit if not bring in a little extra for our family. What could be better than making money doing what you love, afterall?

But part of that is also affirmation. If I succeed, if I sell my work, then I am AFFIRMED. I'm approved, accepted, allowed.

I feel like no one takes me seriously (in the pottery world) because I didn't go to school for clay, because I haven't taken ANY class. That I'm a kid playing in the mud.

And so I want to prove them wrong. Prove that like many before me it's more about how hard you work and how determined you are that determines whether you succeed or fail. If I try hard enough and don't give up, and do what it takes, I WILL succeed....SOMEDAY.

But mostly, I just want to be happy with where I'm at now. And from a practical standpoint, logically speaking, I am. I have everything I've ever needed, most of what I've ever wanted, and so much more that I never deserved. There is no reason to look at someone else and be envious, and I wish my mind and heart would just quit. Because I am a VERY BLESSED person. Thank You, Lord.