Friday, February 15, 2008

Letter To A Friend, Whever You Are

Dear Friend,

I wish I knew where you were right now. I wish I knew where life has taken you. How it's possibly changed you. Who you've become. Because in the last several years, I have changed so much, that I can't imagine you haven't changed as well. Maybe you're married, with kids? Maybe a professional in a large city. Maybe living at home doing small jobs.

I don't know. Because you don't tell me. In fact, the last time I spoke with you was over three years ago when by chance we were both in our hometown, me for my Grandma's funeral when my first son was just two weeks old. Before that, you last saw me at the baby shower for my daughter. You gave me your temporary address, said you wanted to see a football game that Boom would coach, and off you went.

I sent you the schedule, along with a comic strip you wanted, and waited. I called and left a message, and waited. And I'm still waiting. Though why, I'm not sure. I even sent you an invitation to my baby shower last year, back before I knew they were twins. I don't even know if the letter got to you as I sent it to the only address I had of where your parents used to live. But it never came back...and neither did you.

I should block you out of my mind. I try to. It seems you've been able to block me out of yours. But for some reason, I can't. I think of you often. I would love to share my life with you still. I'd tell you all about my kids, my love for clay, and my dreams. That's the one thing we shared so well - our dreams. Not GOALS, mind you, but dreams. Things that are possible and so never given up on. Goal may not be reached, but dreams...dreams are always obtainable.

I wonder what you'd think of me and my lifestyle and choices now. I know I'm not perfect, but I'd like to think that I've changed for the better over the last several years. Life has a way of doing that to you. Kids and circumstances have changed the way I think about so many things.

Would you be shocked at how I nurse to candidly? Probably not. At how I sleep with my children? Maybe. At how I've chosen to home school, and even UNschool? Probably.

But I'll never know. When I go on walks I picture you beside me and us talking. I'd like to think you'd like the person I've become. A little less judgmental, a more open person. I'd like to think you'd like my kids, if you got to know them.

And that's what hurts. Because you DO know other people's kids. People who weren't by your side for 6 years of your life. People you changed your life for though you only knew them for a short time. And yet you don't even know I have four kids now. I don't even know if you care...

I wish I knew if you finally accepted yourself as a person. If you finally understand that it wasn't something I WAS, but the fact that I LIKED what I was, good or not. You were never second-rate. You just never accepted what you were...

I wish I could just give up on you. Throw you out of my head and be done with it. But part of me misses what we had. Despite our differences, we shared so many things and you will forever be a great part of my past. I just wish I knew what drove you away from my future, and I wish I could apologize. Because I still love you, and I miss you. A good friend is hard to come by. And apparently, a loyal friend is even harder.