Well, my sister found out yesterday that their baby will not be born on this earth. Apparently it stopped developing around 9 weeks. She was 13 weeks on Saturday, and none of us expected this after seeing a heartbeat at 7 weeks.
Prayers for her and her family are appreciated.
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Saturday, October 28, 2006
A Month to Feel Stupid
Maybe I will reveal one of the most major gliches in my personality by writing this, but if you know me at all you already know my biggest fault, and I hope you still like me despite of it...
I'm an information junky, and knowledge freak, and I like to know it all. And if I'm wrong, I want to be SURE I'm wrong. So with that in mind, here is my devasting Friday story, and maybe more.
Two weeks ago I had a bad cold. Chills, body aches, nausea, and a bad headache. And a sore throat. By day 4 I thought, "Gee, if this aweful sore throat would just go away, I'd feel better..." Then it dawned on me that maybe I have strep throat, and so I looked in the mirror with a flashlight, and sure enough there were white patches on my tonsils. (I thought strep was the only thing that showed up like that.) Later I would read that my symptoms matched strep perfectly (headache, nausea, bodyaches and chills....)
I had been contemplating bringing Rugger in to the doctor anyway since he had discharge coming out of his eyes, and I was worried that he had a sinus infection. So now my decision was made; we'd go in.
The doctor looked at my throat and Rugger's ears, and wrote us both up for Amoxicillin (no throat swab.) We took them, and added Pumpkin later since she got pink eye and was stuck up in the sinuses, and we all dutifully finished them.
Fast forward to Sunday when I was done with the antibiotics. Two days later I woke up with a headache and a slight sore throat. "Not again..." I thought. I looked in the mirror, and on my tonsils were the same patches, but only red. We had a NORMAL doctor's appointment the next day, on Wednesday, and I'd ask the doctor about it then. Maybe the spots stay there long after you have strep?
So I ask him in the course of things, and he says, "Yeah, your throat looks real bad, but I think you're fine. You finished the antibiotics, don't worry about it."
So I didn't. Until Thursday night when my throat REALLY hurt and the patches were now WHITE again. And to top it off, Rugger threw up once in the middle of the night. (He had thrown up on Sunday evening, we thought it was a bug.)
Well, here's where my stupidity comes in, apparently. I knew from researching the strep the first time around, that in kids that are preschool age, the symptoms are quite different from adults. Often times they don't get the sore throat. Vomiting is a sign in little ones. And they might have what's called a Strawberry Tongue. From pictures, I thought Pumpkin had this the first time around, and now both kids looked like they had a faded version again. (Not bright red, but definately different than what their tongue looked like two days ago. Trust me. No one else will....)
So I call the office and request the earliest appointment since today (Saturday) we'll have a birthday party, and if we are on antibiotics, I want to make sure we put as much time in before people come to the house. So I get a 9:45 appointment, which I'm late for due to a last minute diaper change and my ability to always be late everywhere. At least I called and said we were running late.
So we get there, he examines us (the same doctor as on Wednesday, but different from the one that diagnosed the strep the first time.) I ask all my strep-related questions during the exam so I don't take up his time later. He says he's pretty sure it's just viral, but we'll wait for the swabs to come back (which I requested since I didn't want to be treating something that wasn't there, and he stated the same thing. I purposely liked this doctor because he won't prescribe antibiotics when not needed, though he confused me by saying is only ONE of us is positive, he'll treat the whole family, and he suggested Pumpkin get her vaccines NOW vs. any other time in the 4-6 year period....but anyway.)
So he says if it's positive, he'll be back to talk to us. If not, have a good day. (why we can't talk to him if it's negative, I don't understand....) So we wait, and sure enough it comes back NEGATIVE for all three of us.
I will be truthful. I was floored. I had added up all the symptoms, people at chruch who we run close circles with were also diagnosed with strep after I was, they all agreed this stuff cycles sometimes. The internet was full of recurring strep stories. I just hadn't expected to be relieved of the burden of antibiotics, which I was so dreading.
So I asked the nurse what we do, and if a throat culture would show anything different. (also keeping in mind that I've read that 5-10% of those tests are false negative.) He exact words were, "Well, he said that since the antibiotics are still in your system, it's going to be negative. Basically you're not contagious. You can go home."
To me, this sounded like "Even if you DO have the strep bacteria, the antibiotics will mask the results, but you can't pass it around, so don't worry." Which means to me that if we still have it, there would still need to be SOMETHING done to get rid of it. So I asked her if I could talk to the doctor again when he's done with his other patient.
So he comes in and says, "What do you want to hear?" I start to say something when he cuts me off and curtly says, "It's a virus. You don't have anything. Go home." I start to say, "But I just...." He cuts in with, "If you want another opinion, go to a different doctor." I say, "No, I DON'T want another opinion, I trust you, I just want to know..." "Listen, I'm getting frustrated, we're running out of time." "Well if you give me a chance I'll ask my question. The way the nurse stated it, made it sound like the anitbiotics are potentially masking..." "No. We would have seen it." "And the symptoms?" "They're nothing. I didn't want to be rude before, but they don't even have strawberry tongues, it's nothing." "And the white patches?" "Tons of stuff. Any virus." He opens the door. I ask "So what do you think it could be?" "Anything."
And he's gone. And I'm about two inches tall and hiding in the corner. I want to cry. I don't want to walk out of there with my happy kids who have no clue how humiliated I feel. I apologive to the receptionist so that when I show my face there again at least she knows I wasn't TRYING to be THAT KIND of patient.
I don't know what set him off. Maybe when I walked in and said, "I was right!" in a joking voice, because I HAD gotten sicker. Maybe it was me talking about strep the whole time instead of waiting for the positive result. I don't know.
But I think that even if I ticked him off (unintentionaly. I had NO clue where he came from being so angry) that he still reacted unprofessionaly. I mean, who's paying who, here? Why is it that I can't ask questions about a virus, that though I know it can't be treated doesn't mean I don't have questions.
Why is it that I can't make sure, ABSOLUTELY sure, that we don't have strep? Part of me was angry that there was never a first swab before I took the round of antibiotics, and I'll never now know if I had had it at all.
But mostly, I was embarassed, shocked, angry. So I was wrong. Don't I still have a right to make SURE I'm wrong? Aren't I still a person who lost sleep with worry, with a sore throat, with a child who threw up once out of nowhere? Don't I deserved at least a caring tone explaining WHY I am wrong vs. a "It's nothing I can help, go home" attitude?
When did doctors stop caring and stop trying to HELP? Why did he think I was attacking HIM? If I wanted meds, I'd have asked for them despite the outcome. I don't do that. I was caught off guard, so I wanted to make sure what I was hearing, that's all.
In fact, I was wrong earlier this week. I took Boomer to the vet for what I was sure was an ear infection (due to his stratching of the ears and shaking his head) and it was nothing. But the vet prescribed antibiotics anyway, and I paid for the unnecessary visit and unneeded meds. I took them home, put them on the counter, and thought, "For next time."
I don't want meds. I want answers. If you don't have answers, I understand. But at least be decent enough to explain it to me.
I'm afraid to talk to my friends, the ones I called frantically Friday morning to warn them we had strep again. I'm wondering what they'll think when they hear I'm an idiot who had no idea what I was talking about.
I hope they understand. I hope we're close enough of friends that they won't think less of me. I feel like I can't even tell eveyone for the shame that crawls to my face when I replay the scene in my mind. I felt SO BELITTLED.
And so, I hope that is all for this month. I don't like feeling stupid. I'm anal. I know that. I serve my kids cereal in certain colored bowls, with certain spoons. And if I have dirtied one and it's not available, it bothers me. I go on, but that's who I am. I like straight lines and facts. I like geometry and proofs. And when I'm wrong, I like to be sure.
And in nothing else, my faith in the medical community that was barely there before has now been completely shattered. I dream of the day when we as people can be informed about our bodies and the doctors respect us for it, and they admit their own limitations and treat us like friends or family. When the same scenario ended with this instead of the way it did:
"You know, you're right that a lot of these symptoms appear with strep. I wish they had taken a swab the first time because maybe you didn't have it then, either, we'll never know. But see how their tongues are? It would be darker and more swollen if it were Strawberry Tongue. And the patches on your throat are more common than people realize. It's called "tonsilitus" and it happens whenever they are inflamed and the sores show up. The rapid test is pretty accurate, but if you want, we'll get a culture, and that will also confirm that you have nothing else bacterial in nature. Otherwise, I think you probably have a couple different viruses going around, and if you think you have strep again, feel free to come in, but for now I'd say just drink plenty of fluids and rest. Hope your birthday party goes well!"
I'm an information junky, and knowledge freak, and I like to know it all. And if I'm wrong, I want to be SURE I'm wrong. So with that in mind, here is my devasting Friday story, and maybe more.
Two weeks ago I had a bad cold. Chills, body aches, nausea, and a bad headache. And a sore throat. By day 4 I thought, "Gee, if this aweful sore throat would just go away, I'd feel better..." Then it dawned on me that maybe I have strep throat, and so I looked in the mirror with a flashlight, and sure enough there were white patches on my tonsils. (I thought strep was the only thing that showed up like that.) Later I would read that my symptoms matched strep perfectly (headache, nausea, bodyaches and chills....)
I had been contemplating bringing Rugger in to the doctor anyway since he had discharge coming out of his eyes, and I was worried that he had a sinus infection. So now my decision was made; we'd go in.
The doctor looked at my throat and Rugger's ears, and wrote us both up for Amoxicillin (no throat swab.) We took them, and added Pumpkin later since she got pink eye and was stuck up in the sinuses, and we all dutifully finished them.
Fast forward to Sunday when I was done with the antibiotics. Two days later I woke up with a headache and a slight sore throat. "Not again..." I thought. I looked in the mirror, and on my tonsils were the same patches, but only red. We had a NORMAL doctor's appointment the next day, on Wednesday, and I'd ask the doctor about it then. Maybe the spots stay there long after you have strep?
So I ask him in the course of things, and he says, "Yeah, your throat looks real bad, but I think you're fine. You finished the antibiotics, don't worry about it."
So I didn't. Until Thursday night when my throat REALLY hurt and the patches were now WHITE again. And to top it off, Rugger threw up once in the middle of the night. (He had thrown up on Sunday evening, we thought it was a bug.)
Well, here's where my stupidity comes in, apparently. I knew from researching the strep the first time around, that in kids that are preschool age, the symptoms are quite different from adults. Often times they don't get the sore throat. Vomiting is a sign in little ones. And they might have what's called a Strawberry Tongue. From pictures, I thought Pumpkin had this the first time around, and now both kids looked like they had a faded version again. (Not bright red, but definately different than what their tongue looked like two days ago. Trust me. No one else will....)
So I call the office and request the earliest appointment since today (Saturday) we'll have a birthday party, and if we are on antibiotics, I want to make sure we put as much time in before people come to the house. So I get a 9:45 appointment, which I'm late for due to a last minute diaper change and my ability to always be late everywhere. At least I called and said we were running late.
So we get there, he examines us (the same doctor as on Wednesday, but different from the one that diagnosed the strep the first time.) I ask all my strep-related questions during the exam so I don't take up his time later. He says he's pretty sure it's just viral, but we'll wait for the swabs to come back (which I requested since I didn't want to be treating something that wasn't there, and he stated the same thing. I purposely liked this doctor because he won't prescribe antibiotics when not needed, though he confused me by saying is only ONE of us is positive, he'll treat the whole family, and he suggested Pumpkin get her vaccines NOW vs. any other time in the 4-6 year period....but anyway.)
So he says if it's positive, he'll be back to talk to us. If not, have a good day. (why we can't talk to him if it's negative, I don't understand....) So we wait, and sure enough it comes back NEGATIVE for all three of us.
I will be truthful. I was floored. I had added up all the symptoms, people at chruch who we run close circles with were also diagnosed with strep after I was, they all agreed this stuff cycles sometimes. The internet was full of recurring strep stories. I just hadn't expected to be relieved of the burden of antibiotics, which I was so dreading.
So I asked the nurse what we do, and if a throat culture would show anything different. (also keeping in mind that I've read that 5-10% of those tests are false negative.) He exact words were, "Well, he said that since the antibiotics are still in your system, it's going to be negative. Basically you're not contagious. You can go home."
To me, this sounded like "Even if you DO have the strep bacteria, the antibiotics will mask the results, but you can't pass it around, so don't worry." Which means to me that if we still have it, there would still need to be SOMETHING done to get rid of it. So I asked her if I could talk to the doctor again when he's done with his other patient.
So he comes in and says, "What do you want to hear?" I start to say something when he cuts me off and curtly says, "It's a virus. You don't have anything. Go home." I start to say, "But I just...." He cuts in with, "If you want another opinion, go to a different doctor." I say, "No, I DON'T want another opinion, I trust you, I just want to know..." "Listen, I'm getting frustrated, we're running out of time." "Well if you give me a chance I'll ask my question. The way the nurse stated it, made it sound like the anitbiotics are potentially masking..." "No. We would have seen it." "And the symptoms?" "They're nothing. I didn't want to be rude before, but they don't even have strawberry tongues, it's nothing." "And the white patches?" "Tons of stuff. Any virus." He opens the door. I ask "So what do you think it could be?" "Anything."
And he's gone. And I'm about two inches tall and hiding in the corner. I want to cry. I don't want to walk out of there with my happy kids who have no clue how humiliated I feel. I apologive to the receptionist so that when I show my face there again at least she knows I wasn't TRYING to be THAT KIND of patient.
I don't know what set him off. Maybe when I walked in and said, "I was right!" in a joking voice, because I HAD gotten sicker. Maybe it was me talking about strep the whole time instead of waiting for the positive result. I don't know.
But I think that even if I ticked him off (unintentionaly. I had NO clue where he came from being so angry) that he still reacted unprofessionaly. I mean, who's paying who, here? Why is it that I can't ask questions about a virus, that though I know it can't be treated doesn't mean I don't have questions.
Why is it that I can't make sure, ABSOLUTELY sure, that we don't have strep? Part of me was angry that there was never a first swab before I took the round of antibiotics, and I'll never now know if I had had it at all.
But mostly, I was embarassed, shocked, angry. So I was wrong. Don't I still have a right to make SURE I'm wrong? Aren't I still a person who lost sleep with worry, with a sore throat, with a child who threw up once out of nowhere? Don't I deserved at least a caring tone explaining WHY I am wrong vs. a "It's nothing I can help, go home" attitude?
When did doctors stop caring and stop trying to HELP? Why did he think I was attacking HIM? If I wanted meds, I'd have asked for them despite the outcome. I don't do that. I was caught off guard, so I wanted to make sure what I was hearing, that's all.
In fact, I was wrong earlier this week. I took Boomer to the vet for what I was sure was an ear infection (due to his stratching of the ears and shaking his head) and it was nothing. But the vet prescribed antibiotics anyway, and I paid for the unnecessary visit and unneeded meds. I took them home, put them on the counter, and thought, "For next time."
I don't want meds. I want answers. If you don't have answers, I understand. But at least be decent enough to explain it to me.
I'm afraid to talk to my friends, the ones I called frantically Friday morning to warn them we had strep again. I'm wondering what they'll think when they hear I'm an idiot who had no idea what I was talking about.
I hope they understand. I hope we're close enough of friends that they won't think less of me. I feel like I can't even tell eveyone for the shame that crawls to my face when I replay the scene in my mind. I felt SO BELITTLED.
And so, I hope that is all for this month. I don't like feeling stupid. I'm anal. I know that. I serve my kids cereal in certain colored bowls, with certain spoons. And if I have dirtied one and it's not available, it bothers me. I go on, but that's who I am. I like straight lines and facts. I like geometry and proofs. And when I'm wrong, I like to be sure.
And in nothing else, my faith in the medical community that was barely there before has now been completely shattered. I dream of the day when we as people can be informed about our bodies and the doctors respect us for it, and they admit their own limitations and treat us like friends or family. When the same scenario ended with this instead of the way it did:
"You know, you're right that a lot of these symptoms appear with strep. I wish they had taken a swab the first time because maybe you didn't have it then, either, we'll never know. But see how their tongues are? It would be darker and more swollen if it were Strawberry Tongue. And the patches on your throat are more common than people realize. It's called "tonsilitus" and it happens whenever they are inflamed and the sores show up. The rapid test is pretty accurate, but if you want, we'll get a culture, and that will also confirm that you have nothing else bacterial in nature. Otherwise, I think you probably have a couple different viruses going around, and if you think you have strep again, feel free to come in, but for now I'd say just drink plenty of fluids and rest. Hope your birthday party goes well!"
Saturday, October 21, 2006
I don't even know what to say...
Last night was the annual "Backyard Brawl," the football game between two close schools and a heated rivalry. But that's not even the point. There was so much more there last night that I don't even know where to begin. And I just wish everyone else knew it, too.
I thought about addressing the fans. Because I know many of you don't get it. You don't see what really goes on, you don't understand the finer details that oil the team. But maybe you'd understand something else.
You know how you yell at the players and scream at the coach? I wonder if you'd really like to get a chance to be him, as you so often claim you'd do a better job of being. Would you like your job performance to be public record, judged by your neighbors, strangers, teenagers, and the community at large? Would you like your weekly goals to be weighed in the morning newspaper, announced for all to see that you either met them, or sadly fell short (again.) How would you like to go on a walk in your town, or step into the library, convenience store, or church, knowing that people will either pat you on the back for a job well done, or else give you a look of pity, or worse, tell you what you should have done instead. Would you be able to handle the pressure of knowing that behind your back, while you are making last-minute decisions, there are hundreds of people who think they know better, and if your decision makes a great play, you are a genius, but if it doesn't, you're the idiot. If you truly think you can do all this, then by all means please come to us for a job. We need good coaches and volunteers, and we'd love to have someone as knowledgeable as you on board.
I'm also thinking about the seniors. Last night was senior night. But 5 of those seniors were either sidelined for good, or playing hurt. Tight End and Linebacker - broken jaw. Offensive and Defensive Lineman - torn ACL. Running Back and Linebacker - staph infection in his heart. Quarterback and Defensive Back - turn knee, which he's played on as best he can until the doctors have finally said no more. Running Back and Defensive Back - twisted ankle that brings him out of the game after every play, but he keeps going back in.
Five seniors. Two captains, enormous talent. Enough that this was to be their year. Our year. Eisenhower's year. Instead, three of them are wondering why they had to face a players worst nightmare: not realizing a certain game or play will be your last. They might play college ball, if they can recover. But I'm sure they look for the recruiters or scouts who should have been watching THEM. Two of them are still trying to play, knowing they could be hurt worse, but knowing for them it's worse not to try. They wanted it that bad, they really did. Instead, they all have to watch helplessly while their younger teammates fight for them.
And I have to go into those younger teammates, because I think this is where most people misunderstand. We have still won five games this year. Two of the games we lost were so close that one less mistake would have made the win. And for any team, that's not bad. But for a team that is now composed of mostly freshman and sophomores, I think that's a heck of a good job.
You see, you may have watched our boys get plowed last night. We made mistakes, we got pushed around. It might have looked like we were 15 yr. old boys playing 18 yr. old men. And we were. You can only gain experience by time. You can only gain the reflexes you need by making the mistakes so you know what to look for. And you can only push as hard as your immature not-quite-developed bodies allow you to. And we did.
Those boys AREN'T seniors. They aren't even juniors, many of them. But they fought hard, all of them. And even though so many hearts were broken this year, there is a team out there that is preparing for next year, and the year after. A team that has now faced more adversity than most face in several years. A team that is playing crippled and has not given up in the fourth quarter for the first time in several years. A team that is learning, play by play, what it means to be a champion.
And I know you wanted it to be THIS year. I know some of you will only see our final record, which will most likely be 5-5. And you will think we haven't improved. But then you must be blind. To be able to win 5 games, most against teams with a better record than ours, with 5 of our seniors either out completely or playing hurt, is a WHOLE lot better than winning 5 games with all your starters in full health.
And then I want to address the Job thing. Not job as in a career, but Job as in the guy in the Bible. Because I feel that's what Boom must feel like this year. Game after game we watched as player after player was hurt. And some not even on the field. And last night was no exception. In fact, it was every mother's nightmare, and player's, too, I'm sure. And to top it off, because of politics I won't go into, there was no ambulance at the game and those 3-5 minutes must have been pure agony for our Wide Receiver and Defensive Back who has made some important plays.
After making a play last night, his foot caught on the field, the field we were playing on because our own was deemed to dangerous with all the mud, and somehow (I'd have to ask if it was a tackle or what) his lower leg got snapped in two and was left dangling at a very wrong angle. Luckily I didn't see it since I don't do good with that kind of thing. But Boom was there holding his hand until they put him on the stretcher. The boy didn't make any sound at all, but squeezed his hand so hard Boom knew he in was in a lot of pain, to say the least. He'll be operated on this morning, and Boom said with that type of injury, he may not be back next year, his senior year. I hope for the players sake, and ours, that will not be the case. But either way, it seems unfair.
And all the while, and I have to ask, Why us? Why this many? Why this year, when things were looking so good?
And lastly, I want to address my husband, the coach. Many people don't understand football. They see it as a barbaric sport with brutal hitting and macho boys trying to prove themselves.
They would be wrong. It's so much more than that for most of them. For those who DO see it as just a game, they are the ones who don't try as hard, who don't put their heart on the line. But for most, football is where they learn who they are. Where they build confidence in themselves. Where they are accepted despite their weight or their looks. For some, it's the only place they feel like a family, or the only time they'll hear the words, "Good job. I'm proud of you."
To those who give me frowns when I explain that my husband couldn't watch the kids because of football, you have no idea what those boys mean to him, and how seriously he takes his job. You aren't there when he's spending hours breaking down film, grading plays, scouting other teams. You weren't there when he spent all night re-writing his playbook for a crippled team. You aren't there when the parents criticize, the fans boo, and reporters misprint quotes. And most importantly, you aren't there on the field when your leg is broken in the worst way, and your coach, your HEAD coach, cares enough to hold your hand and wait with you, cry for you, pray for you. You weren't there after the game when the coach broke down not because HE wanted the win, but because he knew how hard his boys fought, and he felt bad for them.
And last night. Last night his heart was broken. He came home and felt hopeless for the first time this season. This season of injuries and unfairness. He didn't cry. He didn't get mad. He was just defeated. And for the first time in the three years he's been head coach, I sit here crying for him. Because what can you say when the coach is down? Who's there to hold HIS hand? I wish I could do more than hug him. Wish I had words that actually fixed something instead of just soothed over the pain.
And I opened the paper this morning carefully, because I didn't want to read it this time. I wish I could avoid what I know is coming when we see people at church or out and about. Because try as they might, they won't understand. Not completely.
There are a few who understand. At least I hope so. Because it was their boy out there whose hand Boom held. It was their boy in the hospital whom he visited. It was their boy out there who he congratulated, or else comforted. I have heard them say good things about him. And I think, that even if they disagree with his calls sometimes, or if they think their kid should be out there instead of whoever is, I think that they still see his heart. Because that's what makes him a good coach.
It's not the plays, it's not getting to the playoff, it's not winning games. It's caring for the kids, genuinely caring. THAT'S what makes the difference between a good coach and most coaches. And I hope he knows that. I hope that as his heart heals, because eventually it must, he realizes that it doesn't matter what the others think. Those who have come close enough to him to see who he is, they will know. And the others, well, let them talk.
But I know. I know who you are, Boom. I know that you care. And to top it off, I think you ARE a good coach when it comes to playmaking. And you've learned, too. I have never been prouder of you than I have been this year. And though I would have loved to travel to the playoffs with you, I'm just as proud to have you hold you team together long enough to finish the season so no one else gets hurt. I don't know why you were dealt this card, but I admire the way you took it.
And I hope that counts for something.
I thought about addressing the fans. Because I know many of you don't get it. You don't see what really goes on, you don't understand the finer details that oil the team. But maybe you'd understand something else.
You know how you yell at the players and scream at the coach? I wonder if you'd really like to get a chance to be him, as you so often claim you'd do a better job of being. Would you like your job performance to be public record, judged by your neighbors, strangers, teenagers, and the community at large? Would you like your weekly goals to be weighed in the morning newspaper, announced for all to see that you either met them, or sadly fell short (again.) How would you like to go on a walk in your town, or step into the library, convenience store, or church, knowing that people will either pat you on the back for a job well done, or else give you a look of pity, or worse, tell you what you should have done instead. Would you be able to handle the pressure of knowing that behind your back, while you are making last-minute decisions, there are hundreds of people who think they know better, and if your decision makes a great play, you are a genius, but if it doesn't, you're the idiot. If you truly think you can do all this, then by all means please come to us for a job. We need good coaches and volunteers, and we'd love to have someone as knowledgeable as you on board.
I'm also thinking about the seniors. Last night was senior night. But 5 of those seniors were either sidelined for good, or playing hurt. Tight End and Linebacker - broken jaw. Offensive and Defensive Lineman - torn ACL. Running Back and Linebacker - staph infection in his heart. Quarterback and Defensive Back - turn knee, which he's played on as best he can until the doctors have finally said no more. Running Back and Defensive Back - twisted ankle that brings him out of the game after every play, but he keeps going back in.
Five seniors. Two captains, enormous talent. Enough that this was to be their year. Our year. Eisenhower's year. Instead, three of them are wondering why they had to face a players worst nightmare: not realizing a certain game or play will be your last. They might play college ball, if they can recover. But I'm sure they look for the recruiters or scouts who should have been watching THEM. Two of them are still trying to play, knowing they could be hurt worse, but knowing for them it's worse not to try. They wanted it that bad, they really did. Instead, they all have to watch helplessly while their younger teammates fight for them.
And I have to go into those younger teammates, because I think this is where most people misunderstand. We have still won five games this year. Two of the games we lost were so close that one less mistake would have made the win. And for any team, that's not bad. But for a team that is now composed of mostly freshman and sophomores, I think that's a heck of a good job.
You see, you may have watched our boys get plowed last night. We made mistakes, we got pushed around. It might have looked like we were 15 yr. old boys playing 18 yr. old men. And we were. You can only gain experience by time. You can only gain the reflexes you need by making the mistakes so you know what to look for. And you can only push as hard as your immature not-quite-developed bodies allow you to. And we did.
Those boys AREN'T seniors. They aren't even juniors, many of them. But they fought hard, all of them. And even though so many hearts were broken this year, there is a team out there that is preparing for next year, and the year after. A team that has now faced more adversity than most face in several years. A team that is playing crippled and has not given up in the fourth quarter for the first time in several years. A team that is learning, play by play, what it means to be a champion.
And I know you wanted it to be THIS year. I know some of you will only see our final record, which will most likely be 5-5. And you will think we haven't improved. But then you must be blind. To be able to win 5 games, most against teams with a better record than ours, with 5 of our seniors either out completely or playing hurt, is a WHOLE lot better than winning 5 games with all your starters in full health.
And then I want to address the Job thing. Not job as in a career, but Job as in the guy in the Bible. Because I feel that's what Boom must feel like this year. Game after game we watched as player after player was hurt. And some not even on the field. And last night was no exception. In fact, it was every mother's nightmare, and player's, too, I'm sure. And to top it off, because of politics I won't go into, there was no ambulance at the game and those 3-5 minutes must have been pure agony for our Wide Receiver and Defensive Back who has made some important plays.
After making a play last night, his foot caught on the field, the field we were playing on because our own was deemed to dangerous with all the mud, and somehow (I'd have to ask if it was a tackle or what) his lower leg got snapped in two and was left dangling at a very wrong angle. Luckily I didn't see it since I don't do good with that kind of thing. But Boom was there holding his hand until they put him on the stretcher. The boy didn't make any sound at all, but squeezed his hand so hard Boom knew he in was in a lot of pain, to say the least. He'll be operated on this morning, and Boom said with that type of injury, he may not be back next year, his senior year. I hope for the players sake, and ours, that will not be the case. But either way, it seems unfair.
And all the while, and I have to ask, Why us? Why this many? Why this year, when things were looking so good?
And lastly, I want to address my husband, the coach. Many people don't understand football. They see it as a barbaric sport with brutal hitting and macho boys trying to prove themselves.
They would be wrong. It's so much more than that for most of them. For those who DO see it as just a game, they are the ones who don't try as hard, who don't put their heart on the line. But for most, football is where they learn who they are. Where they build confidence in themselves. Where they are accepted despite their weight or their looks. For some, it's the only place they feel like a family, or the only time they'll hear the words, "Good job. I'm proud of you."
To those who give me frowns when I explain that my husband couldn't watch the kids because of football, you have no idea what those boys mean to him, and how seriously he takes his job. You aren't there when he's spending hours breaking down film, grading plays, scouting other teams. You weren't there when he spent all night re-writing his playbook for a crippled team. You aren't there when the parents criticize, the fans boo, and reporters misprint quotes. And most importantly, you aren't there on the field when your leg is broken in the worst way, and your coach, your HEAD coach, cares enough to hold your hand and wait with you, cry for you, pray for you. You weren't there after the game when the coach broke down not because HE wanted the win, but because he knew how hard his boys fought, and he felt bad for them.
And last night. Last night his heart was broken. He came home and felt hopeless for the first time this season. This season of injuries and unfairness. He didn't cry. He didn't get mad. He was just defeated. And for the first time in the three years he's been head coach, I sit here crying for him. Because what can you say when the coach is down? Who's there to hold HIS hand? I wish I could do more than hug him. Wish I had words that actually fixed something instead of just soothed over the pain.
And I opened the paper this morning carefully, because I didn't want to read it this time. I wish I could avoid what I know is coming when we see people at church or out and about. Because try as they might, they won't understand. Not completely.
There are a few who understand. At least I hope so. Because it was their boy out there whose hand Boom held. It was their boy in the hospital whom he visited. It was their boy out there who he congratulated, or else comforted. I have heard them say good things about him. And I think, that even if they disagree with his calls sometimes, or if they think their kid should be out there instead of whoever is, I think that they still see his heart. Because that's what makes him a good coach.
It's not the plays, it's not getting to the playoff, it's not winning games. It's caring for the kids, genuinely caring. THAT'S what makes the difference between a good coach and most coaches. And I hope he knows that. I hope that as his heart heals, because eventually it must, he realizes that it doesn't matter what the others think. Those who have come close enough to him to see who he is, they will know. And the others, well, let them talk.
But I know. I know who you are, Boom. I know that you care. And to top it off, I think you ARE a good coach when it comes to playmaking. And you've learned, too. I have never been prouder of you than I have been this year. And though I would have loved to travel to the playoffs with you, I'm just as proud to have you hold you team together long enough to finish the season so no one else gets hurt. I don't know why you were dealt this card, but I admire the way you took it.
And I hope that counts for something.
********* Update on injured player **********
After talking with Boom and others today, it turns out the way the player broke his leg was because the cleats dug into the rather old and bad astro-turf, and when his body turned, his foot did not follow, which in turn cleanly snapped both his leg bones. Luckily it was a clean break, so no pins or anything were needed, but he WILL be in a cast for 4-6 months, and whether he’ll get to play next year or not is still in question. Also, it turns out the ambulance took around 15 minutes to get to the field, not a mere 3 or 5, which I estimated because I thought the time SEEMED long, but couldn’t possibly be that long, but it was. An excruciatingly long 15 minutes.
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